Sometimes certain people blame us for the tiniest mistake we made. Sometimes it takes a huge mistake to make them blame us. Some other times, we interact with people who can't be mad us, no matter how unforgivable our fault is. Even so, oftentimes it is us who blame ourselves the most. Mainly because the guilt in our chest is eating us alive.
That is what's happening to some of the people in the Positive group chat. Or at least just Kyle. And me.
The vivacious private party that later turned into a catastrophe. That evening, everyone was having fun. It was nearing the end of our time of service in the council, so why not go crazy for a bit? We were all so certain that we were fit and healthy. Much to everyone's oblivion, Kyle had already been exposed to the virus.
It wasn't until the next day when Kyle had been traced, someone he'd been in close contact with was confirmed with Covid-19. His result came out to be positive. It was shocking, because he didn't show any symptoms.
To say it caused panic is an understatement.
John, who still kind of lives with his parents, was a chaotic pile of flesh when Kyle broke the news. His parents were out of town when he threw the party and came back the day after. He has always been close with them, and he has always known that they are included as people with huge risks if they ever got infected. They gave his son permission to hold the 'small gathering' as he pointed it out as a 'casual hang out'.
Little did he knew that 'small gathering' was the start of his family's downfall.
The night when our PCR test results came out, John's result was like mine and Kiara's, along with five other people. His parents were traced and tested right after. Their results were no different than their son.
Earlier this morning John's parents were brought to the hospital, both of them had breathing difficulties. Both their oxygen saturation was below 75%, not to mention the father has some heart disease and the mother has type-2 diabetes. Even though their diseases were controlled, this little prick called SARS-CoV-2 has it's own cunning ways to infiltrate our body and make our immune system overwhelmed.
Kyle, who hasn't stopped apologizing to us in the group chat, has to endure another guilt. Like Chester told me the other day, Kyle is the one who blames himself the most. I wish he wasn't too hard on himself.
The guilt I have to live with, is somehow different... I hope.
The boss from my work place announced that the café was temporarily closed. Apparently there are many workers whose results came out to be positive with Covid-19, and I am one of the people to blame. Other than me, there is one other worker who got infected and he is the full-time cook. I am only a part-time waitress, but that doesn't mean I feel less or more guilty. Apart from that, the spread could come from anywhere. Maybe from me and the cook, maybe there are other workers who were symptomless, or maybe it came from the patrons. We can never be sure.
Still, I won't be getting a raise and bonus soon.
A groan is heard. "This is so freaking frustrating!" yelled Kiara.
This morning we agreed to eat at the same time so she eats on the kitchen counter and I do on the far end of the dining table. None of us have touched our food.
Massaging my temples, I say, "It's not like we can do anything at this point." My head hurts, because of the Cov obviously, but it gets more terrible now that there are bad news.
Kiara exhales loudly. Eyeing me, she says, "Chester will do something right? I mean, I feel like we're all responsible, but given our condition, we can't."
I shrug. "He always feels responsible for anything. He wasn't chosen the council president for nothing." I take the first spoon to my mouth and chew it, trying to ignore the blandness.
From the corner of my eye, I see Kiara doing the same. "What will he do?" asks her once she has swallowed her food.
"God knows what," I reply curtly. Giving her a 'what makes you think I'd know?' look, I continue with my food. I just want this to be over, all of it. For now, finishing the meal will be good enough. Not able to taste any food or drink is enough of a torture.
"Well, I just thought you and him are in a constant- like, you know, especially after..." she falters, seemingly giving up to find the right word.
I shoot daggers at her and she looks away from me.
I dig in my food, hoping that I could finish it as soon as I can. It's actually disgusting if you think about it, but Kiara has her ways to make it look not disgusting. It is a mix of some junks in the fridge. Some sausages, paprika, carrots and cauliflowers, seasoned with some onions and... butter sauce? Huh, never mind. It's complete with boiled potato as the carb source. I wonder how it tastes like.
Kiara takes another spoonful, chewing it with gleaming face. She's clearly satisfied with creation. I guess it must be delicious after all. She's wrong if she thinks I don't catch her doubtful eyes.
"What?" I deadpan. Kiara shakes her head and goes on with her creation. She says nothing actually, but something just irritates me. "You think I'm Jean Grey and he's Professor X? No, Kiki, we don't have telepathic powers," I chuckle while swooping the remaining meal onto the spoon.
If she doesn't know me any better, she might think that was a genuine chuckle.
Kiara scoffs. "Only my family and Ryan can call me that."
"Well, you're stuck with me so you'd better live with it," I say in a quite sarcastic way. Sorry, I'm not really in the mood right now. The head and body ache which I try to ignore gets the best of me.
I finish my breakfast earlier than Kiara so I wash my dishes and come back to my now clean room. I'll clean the rest of the apartment later, but for now let me ball up on my bed. For a few minutes I stay in that position until I remember to take my vitamins and medicines.
Dear mighty pain killers, please do your magic.
***
"Ouch!"
Emily giggles as Lily trips the last step of the stairs, clearly shown on the front camera. So do Kiara and I. Our apartment is on the fourth floor, and yes we have to take the stairs because the elevator hasn't been working for a while. They should repair it soon, we deserve a comfortable housing. Luckily this apartment has ten floors so we don't have to climb the stairs as many as the people living above us have to.
"Home sweet home," says Lily, looking longingly at our door.
"Miss us already?" I ask teasingly.
"Just missing my bedroom. Maybe I'll miss you next week." We all laugh.
"Okay girls, here it is," Lily bends down to put the groceries.
"Well, I have snuck in some herbal references and I have also shared my mom's herbal recipe in the chat. So, you know, for booster guys," explains Emily.
"Ginger included?" asks Kiara, her voice a little bit hoarse.
Emily nods. "Very much included, and there are some real gingers and some packs of the instant ones. Oh don't forget to check the expiry date! They say it's naturally processed, so no preservatives."
I smile at Kiara's antics. She grins enthusiastically as her hand runs from her neck to her upper chest. Those weeping and yelling finally has an outcome. Still, I feel bad for her.
"You're my savior, thank you so much!"
"Anyway girls, where are you staying?" I ask.
Lily and Emily stare at each other, with looks that say 'should we tell them?' until one finally breaks the silence. "Somewhere. Don't worry."
"Yeah, it's not as big as this apartment, but it's still nice."
Kiara has volunteered to bring in the groceries. As Lily and Emily exit our apartment building, we still talk about things. Life update, they say. Not particularly about us, it could be a gossip or just random stuffs. Like we usually do.
Using Emily's phone to do this video call, she and Lily hang up due to the wind noise. It's not like I can get a good view of them, it's already dark outside and they're kinda pacing. That leaves me only with Kiara.
"So?"
Kiara shakes her head. "I haven't told him."
Silence. I want to tell her to take her time but there's not really much time for indecisiveness. She needs to consult with an ob-gyn soon. I'm not really feeling well right now so I'd better not open my mouth. This damn mood, how to make it good?
"I will though, by the end of this week I would've told him."
"It's Thursday, to wait until Sunday is a long time," I protest.
Kiara sighs in defeat. "Saturday, it is." I give her a nod, both as an agreement and encouragement. "Anyway, how's your head?"
"Better, I guess. It's more like my body now, like my bones are burning. Maybe the meds haven't kicked in. It's only been fifteen minutes."
Kiara gives me that sympathetic look. It's horrible to feel this pain in your body. Literally. The worst part is my back bones. Seriously, back pain? I'm only 22 but I feel like 77.
"Well, I think Chester is rather considerate this time." Kiara is referring to the pain relieving cream that Chester brought along with our Chinese takeout.
No, he didn't buy it for us. Yesterday he did, with the croissant and vitamins. Today he didn't. He just picked up our order. Alright, he did buy me the pain relieving cream. And a lemon candy pack for Kiara.
That's only because I wouldn't shut up about body pain and she kept whining about lemon candies when Chester was asking about our order.
Isn't it too early for pregnancy cravings?
After we end the call, I begin to rub the relieving cream to my back, where it hurts the most. I close my eyes as I feel the heat pervading my muscles, slowly. I sighed deeply and suddenly tears block my vision when I open my eyes.
I was never one to cry over physical pain, why now?
I lay in fetal position again and this time I hug my legs tightly. Tears still streaming out from my eyes like a river. Seems like I'm gonna wake up with swollen eyes again.