"i knew i'd curse you
for the longest time"
"chasing shadows
in a grocery line"
♠ ♥ ♦ ♠
Somehow, through the chaos, Joe had woken up. He looked over at Taylor, who had since calmed down but was still sniveling quietly.
He reached over and hugged her body gently, rocking them back and forth. He leaned back and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.
He tilted her chin so they were looking each other eye to eye. "Taylor. What's going on?" he asked sternly but softly.
"They're back," she whispered, clinging onto his shirt tightly.
"The nightmares?" he asked quietly, mumbling into her hair.
She nodded slightly and leaned her head onto her shoulder. "I thought it wouldn't come back, but it did."
"Is this because of me being here?" Joe questioned, now drawing circles on her back.
"Maybe." Taylor sighed. "Or maybe just because it's been a year since all that..." she trailed off.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, squeezing her body tightly. "I don't know how we ended up here, but I should've stayed by your side."
24th December, 2017
"It's gone," Taylor cried unstoppably, staring at the death certificate. "We lost our baby."
"It will be okay," Joe wrapped his arms around Taylor comfortingly. "I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair.
"It's not your fault," Taylor smiled weakly.
"It's not yours either, babe. I don't want you to put any blame on yourself, alright?" Joe turned her around so they were facing each other and tilted her head so she was looking him in the eyes
"Okay. But can I sleep in the guest room tonight? I just need some space."
"You can take our room, I'll take the guest room, my love."
"Love you," Taylor mumbled, shrinking her hands into her sweater sleeves.
"Love you too babe. Remember what I said, okay?"
"Okay."
"I'll see you tomorrow morning then," Joe placed a kiss onto her head and her lips, before hugging her fragile body again.
Nobody wants to lose their baby, but some people just get unfortunate. It's nobody's fault most of the time. But to lose your baby on Christmas Eve; it just hurts being in the festive spirit knowing the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future have failed you. Taylor and Joe were just one of the unlucky ones, and there was nothing they could do about it.
—
Taylor woke up with a scream, catching her breath while her sweaty palms gripped onto the blanket for comfort. She swung her legs to the side and got up from the bed, her body quivering slightly.
She walked to the guest room and opened the door, which made a creaking noise. She found Joe sleeping peacefully, his hair tousled. The sonogram of their baby they took a few weeks earlier was on the nightstand, next to his phone.
She climbed into bed with him and hugged him from the back, spooning him. Inhaling his familiar scent, she soon fell asleep, breathing slowly.
—
"Taylor?" Joe said, nibbling on the gingerbread cookies Taylor made earlier. They had decided to spend their Christmas alone, since being with their families would only make their situation worse. Taylor had been stress baking all day to take her mind off things, so there was an array of Christmas goodies laid out on their dining table.
They had both shut each other out, mostly Taylor giving Joe silent treatment. They weren't arguing or anything, but it was silent contemplation and reflection on the whole. When he woke up that morning, Joe found Taylor downing her second cup of coffee, clearly trying to wash out the pain.
"Yes?" she whispered, her voice hoarse and strained from all the crying.
He took her hand gently and squeezed it three times. She scooched over on the couch towards him.
"I know today's not the best Christmas you've had, but I still want to give you the gift you deserve." He reached out from his back and pulled out a teal Tiffany box, with a silver bow bundling it. "Merry Christmas, love."
She gingerly reached out and pulled the bow loose. She opened the box and took out the small sachet, undoing the opening gently. She pulled out a gold bracelet with a small infinity charm attached.
Taylor gasped excitedly, holding it up and admiring it. "Thank you so much, babe," she said. "Put it on for me?"
Joe gently took the bracelet from her hands and put it around her wrist, doing the clasp for her.
"I love it so much," tears were welling up in Taylor's eyes. "I love you."
"I'm glad," Joe placed a kiss on her lips. "We'll get through this together, okay? It's us forever."
"It's okay," Taylor murmured comfortingly. "Do you want to get a cup of tea?"
"Cup of rosy, love," Joe giggled.
He got up, forgetting he was in a small fort and proceeded to knock over the whole structure. It collapsed onto Taylor, who was still in the fort.
"Oh, sorry," Joe giggled, reaching out his hand for Taylor to hold on to. He pulled her out and she stumbled into him.
"I got you," he said. "Let's go to the kitchen."
While the tea was brewing, Taylor leaned her body against the kitchen counter and looked at Joe.
"Do you want to talk about your dream?" Joe asked gently.
Taylor shook her head silently. She started to fidget with her fingers, playing with them mindlessly.
"I miss our baby," she said. "Today could've been our first Christmas with it."
"I know," Joe said, so quietly that Taylor could barely hear him.
"Did you have any names in mind for it?"
"I was going to leave it up to you," Joe laughed. "You're the creative one here."
Taylor breathed out nervously, her hands shaking. "Look, I feel like shit for bringing it up, but I'm sorry about our fight. It's been a long time, but I- I fucked up that night. I'm sorry." she ran her hands through her hair anxiously.
"You don't have to apologize," Joe said. "It was all me. I don't know why I said that, and it was wrong of me. I'm so sorry," he said. " I didn't mean it at all."
March 5th, 2018
"Taylor! I'm trying to help you, but you can't just shut me out like that!" Joe raised his voice. "Every damn time I try to talk to you about it, you just say you can't and cry in the bathroom! This is getting exhausting, and I can't help you if you're going to play mind games and close me off!"
"Joe! Can you understand that it's only been two and something months? I'm still processing it, you can't just force me to talk!"
"Your nightmares are getting worse! Taylor, I'm worried for you. Every night you wake up and you can't fall back asleep from those damn nightmares you've been having. It's hurting you and affecting me. I think you should seriously consider therapy."
"I don't need therapy! Those nightmares will go away soon, it's just that it's still fresh, okay?"
"Look, I'm just trying to help you. All you do is wake up, cry in the bathroom and bury yourself in songwriting! You've barely spoken to me, let alone our family, who still doesn't know. Your mother has been calling me a lot, and it's clear she knows something is up."
"Tell her to fuck off for all I care!" Taylor was blinded by her rage at this point. "Stop forcing me to get over it. You weren't the one who carried our baby, and you wouldn't understand how I feel!"
"Maybe if you told me, I would, Taylor!"
"You know what?" Taylor was screaming by now. "Take your stupid fucking bracelet," she paused to yank it off her wrist. She threw the bracelet at his stone cold face, and continued. "Clearly we're not meant to be forever, since you can't even let me process the death of my child. Goodbye."
She picked her phone up and grabbed her purse on her way out the house. "FUCK YOU!" she shouted over her back, running to her car in the rain. She ignites it and drives off without a destination in mind. Anything to get her mind off Joe and the baby. And the constant nightmares. She knows she would have to return in the morning to get her cats and her belongings, but right now she doesn't give a fuck.
"Taylor!" Joe ran after her into the rain, trying to get her to stay. "TAYLOR!" he yelled after the car, but she was far too far to hear, and too angry to care.
"Dammit!" Joe cursed. He walked back inside, slamming the door behind him. He leaned against the door and slid down it, collapsing into tears. He was holding it together the whole time, and couldn't anymore.
"I didn't even bother to put up a tree this year," Taylor said. "I just get a bit sad this time around. It's kinda weird since my first trimester was hell and I never got past it, but I miss being pregnant."
"You'll be a mother someday, with a guy who treats you better than my idiotic ass could ever," Joe reassured her.
"I'm twenty-nine and I still don't have a boyfriend, so I'm kinda losing hope here." Taylor rolled her eyes. "Maybe I'll just get another cat and call it done."
Joe nodded silently while listening to her. He looked down at his wrist and checked his watch, realizing that it was already past noon. "Oh shit, I have to bring poor Flint over. Are you okay being alone?"
"I mean, I will be forever."
Joe chuckled at her dark joke. "I didn't mean it that way!" he exclaimed. "I'll be back in half an hour."
Half an hour went by, and Joe was soon ringing Taylor's doorbell again. Taylor got up to open the door and Flint immediately recognized her and leapt onto her, licking her face excitedly.
"Hey Flinty!" Taylor said happily, rubbing behind his ears. "You're such a good boy, aren't you?"
"Can I just let him loose so he can get reacquainted with the cats?" Joe asked, shoving his gloved hand into his winter jacket.
Taylor shrugged. "Sure."
Joe undid the leash and took off his coat, hanging it on the back of a chair. "I don't think I've said it to you yet, but Merry Christmas, Taylor."
"That was so random." Taylor giggled, booping his nose. "Merry Christmas, Joe."
"Is there anything you want to do?" Joe asked. "Or are we going to watch reruns of Friends again."
"Actually, I know it's very late, but I do want to decorate a tree. Will you help me?"
"Of course. It's still very ironic to me how the queen of Christmas hasn't done anything festive this year."
"It's embarrassing, I know," Taylor rolled her eyes jokingly. "I'll just get the fake tree from the attic."
Despite growing up on a Christmas tree farm, Taylor had an artificial tree which she displays in her room every year. She thought it was better for her room, since there wouldn't be pine leaves all over the place.
With the help of Joe, Taylor managed to get all the decorations and the tree from the attic.
"No, no, you're doing it wrong," Taylor grabbed the ornament from Joe's hands and placed it a centimetre from where he was about to place it.
"You know what?" Joe said, laughing slightly at her antics. "I'll just... sit on the couch and watch you."
"Come on," Taylor groaned, smirking at him.
Joe sat on the couch and cuddled with the cats and Flint until he saw Taylor struggling with the star, since it was too high up for her to reach.
"Help me?" Taylor said hopelessly.
"Mmm," Joe said. "Now I'm helpful to you."
He took the star from Taylor's hands and placed it on the top, his hands barely reaching it.
"To the left a little," Taylor ordered.
Joe moved the star a little.
"No, that's too much. To the right now." Taylor commanded.
"Ugh," Joe complained. "Here, okay? Deal with it."
He let go of the star and dusted himself off. "You know what would make this tree even prettier?"
"Don't add more shit."
"Just see where I'm going with this, okay?" Joe pouted, walking to his jacket. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a rectangle piece of paper out, covering the image with his palm.
"Do you have a hole puncher and some string?"
"This is getting weird, Alwyn." Taylor frowned, but obliged anyway.
"Close your eyes." Joe said, fixing it up.
"Keep them closed." Joe saw Taylor peeking.
He gingerly hung the impromptu ornament onto the tree, right in the middle, between two candy canes.
"Open."
Taylor opened her eyes and gasped at the adorable addition to the tree. It was a copy of their baby's sonogram, hanging by a thread Joe had obviously improvised minutes earlier.
"Oh my God," Taylor sighed happily. "I love it. Thank you." she hugged Joe tightly, inhaling his familiar scent.
"Our baby," he mumbled into her hair.
"Peanut," Taylor said. "I think it was a her."
"You do?" Joe brushed her bangs out of her face. "So do I."
"Mhm."
"She would've been as pretty as her mumma," Joe whispered.
"Are you flirting with me?"
"No." Joe wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in.
"Do you wanna crack open some wine?"
"I have better ideas of what we could do," Joe kissed her cheek, then her forehead, then her nose and her chin, and finally the corner of her lips.
"Yeah." Taylor didn't hesitate before cupping his head and pulling him into a passionate kiss. She bit his lip fiercely as he slipped her tongue into her mouth, their tongues then fighting for dominance. She wrapped a leg around his body and ran her hands through his hands.
"Bedroom?"
Taylor didn't reply, but dominantly pushed him to her bedroom, where she locked the door.
"Cats and a dog," she chuckled, referencing to the many times Olivia has walked in on them. She walked over to him slowly, reaching him and placing her hands onto his chest. They fell onto the bed together, and he started to shower her neck in kisses.
"Do you want this?"
"Yes." she said passionately, and their Christmas festivities began.
——————
"What do we do now?" Joe asked, his bare body still cuddled with Taylor's under her blanket.
"I miss us," Taylor said. "I miss you."
"I miss you too," Joe planted another kiss on her lips.
"Let's not put a label on it yet, okay?" Taylor said.
"I'm fine with that." Joe said. "You're still so gorgeous," he murmured.
"I know," Taylor said cockily, a side of herself only Joe and a few others got to see.
"If time comes, I could be your baby daddy again," Joe whispered. "I'll be your backup."
"That's so damn cliche. Also, as Monica said, why do you think I won't get married?"
"It's hypothetical, babe. Do you want this or not?"
"I don't want you to be my backup."
"I can't say I'm not hurt."
"You said it was hypothetical, Alwyn. How are you so hurt right now? Are you hypothetically hurt?"
"I'm fine."
"I'm joking, love. I mean I don't want you to be my backup, I just want you to be the father of my children."
"Taylor..." Joe sighed, hugging her closer. "I love you so much. Thank you for trusting me with this, even though I fucked up before."
"I love you too." she snuggled into his chest, using it as a pillow.
"We'll have our own babies someday, I promise."
——————
New Years Eve, 2018
"Let's go onto the roof to watch the fireworks," Joe said, hugging Taylor from behind. It was just the two of them, and they agreed to spend the night with them only. The house was quiet, the Christmas decorations still up, and they had some s'mores ingredients and beer.
One after another, they climbed onto the roof, and sat down on the loveseat Taylor had up there.
They had a white blanket with the countdown projected onto it, with twenty minutes to go.
"You look gorgeous tonight," Taylor breathed out, looking into Joe's sapphires of eyes.
"I could say the same about you, love."
"Whatever happened to my infinity bracelet?"
"You mean the one you chucked at me seven months ago?"
"Yes, that one, Joseph." Taylor groaned in annoyance.
"I still have it, of course." Joe winked. He dug into his pocket and fished around. He eventually pulled out a rather tangled gold bracelet, and opened his palm so Taylor could see it.
"You just- casually carry it around with you?"
"Not every day. Today is special."
"And why is that?" Taylor smiled in adoration.
"Because I wanted to ask you if you would like to be my girlfriend again," Joe said.
"I would," Taylor's heart grew in size. "I love you."
"I love you too, silly."
"Put it on for me?" Taylor reached her hand out.
Joe helped her put on the bracelet and kissed her wrist. "We have two minutes till the ball drops. Pour some beer, love."
Taylor grabbed two red plastic cups and filled them up with beer.
Excitedly, they started to count down together.
"Five... four... three... two... one! Happy New Year!" Taylor exclaimed, immediately kissing Joe on the lips.
"Happy New Year to you too, love. Maybe at the end of this year we'll have a little baby," he whispered.
"I'd love that," she took a sip of her beer. "To new beginnings," she said, clinking her cup with Joe's.
"Cheers."
Joe pulled Taylor in by the waist and kissed her with full force, but it wasn't a passionate, hot one. It was full of love and affection, and their lips melted together as one.
When they finally pulled away, Taylor gave a slight laugh and sighed contentedly.
"Thanks for the butterflies, Dimples."
"You're blushing," Joe reached out to touch her cheeks, smoothing her skin with his thumb.
"You too, Dimples," Taylor chuckled, holding his cheeks as well.
He pulled her into a warm hug, and she leaned her head into his chest, inhaling his scent.
"Stop calling me Dimples, Miss Yeehaw." Joe said, cupping the back of her head with his palm and pulling her even more into himself.
"I'm so glad I ran into you at that supermarket."
a/n:
hihi. i havent written so much in so long, but im really proud of this part. sad part happy ending :) anyways, hope you guys enjoyed! comment if you'd like a bonus part for this one shot lmao. bye ily all <333