This was written with the song 'only the brave' by Louis Tomlinson running through my head bc yes I am the basic sapphic Louis stan and yes this song resonates deeply with me. I've thought a lot about Remus and how terrified he would be being a bisexual werewolf in the 70s falling in love with his best friend. And this happened, enjoy!
Remus put his book down as he stared at his boyfriend. His boyfriend. He couldn't believe that he'd actually agreed to be his. He knew he shouldn't have, there were so many reasons why they shouldn't be together. He put his book down on the nightstand and turned to Sirius, gently pushing hair back from his face and tucked it behind his ear. Sirius looked so beautiful when he slept, it wasn't fair.
He remembered the times before he became a werewolf, though only vaguely as he was only four years old at the time. He remembered his father telling him bed time stories always warning him of something, beware the giants, beware the ogres, beware the werewolves.
Beware the werewolves.
It's funny how life had a way of messing with you.
When he'd been turned, his father switched up. Immediately going to the ministry to try and get werewolves rights because it was no longer about his fear or hatred, it was about his son. He remembered his mother coming in and taking care of him after full moons, wiping his tears away and offering him tea, trying to take the pain away though she knew she could not.
When he was 14 years old, the summer before he came back for fourth year he remembered watching his parents dance to an Elvis record in his living room and he remembered looking on with melancholy, knowing he would never have that. They had learnt about werewolves in defence against the dark arts, how they were rated xxxx for very dangerous and he had never felt more like he wanted to punch something, cry or throw up at the same time.
Of course it helped that Sirius and James stubbornly argued with the professor, earning them two weeks of detention.
Then, when he was 15 years old, a lot of things happened. Both of his first kisses, and yes he means both. His first kiss with a girl and his first kiss with a boy. Realizing that you're a bisexual werewolf in the 1970s was quite literally one of the worst things you could ever do. Realizing that you're a bisexual werewolf who's in love with your best friend was even worse.
His fifth year was an emotional rollercoaster, to say the least. He spent a lot of time staring at Sirius and wanting to touch him, a lot of time feeling disgusted by his thoughts and therefore, spent even more time avoiding him.
It probably wasn't smart but what else was there to do? Especially when Sirius black had gone and gotten stupidly beautiful. With his high cheekbones coming in and his defined jaw and he'd started growing his hair out, so it lay in gorgeous curls around his face.
He'd been doing his best to avoid him, waking up early and only talking to him involving pranks or class, spending more time with Lily, Marlene and Dorcas than anyone else.
Then Sirius had grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards an empty alcove.
"What's going on?" Sirius had asked, his lips pulled into a frown.
Remus gripped his satchel, "what do you mean?"
Sirius scoffed, "don't play dumb with me. So now that all the birds are in love with you, you're too good to hang out with me?"
Remus had gaped at him, "what in the bloody hell are you on about?"
Sirius had smiled then, "the cassanova of Gryffindor tower. All the girls above the age of 12 are in love with you moony. How could you not know?"
Remus hadn't said anything, his ears were burning and he had a lot of things to re-evaluate.
"Listen, I'm happy you're shagging all the girls you want now but that doesn't mean you can avoid me."
Remus sputtered, "i- what? I'm not shagging anyone!"
Sirius smiled at him, "sure you aren't."
Nevertheless Remus had stopped avoiding him and instead repressed his feelings, hoping they'd go away.
Of course they didn't, because Sirius came back for 6th year even more gorgeous, somehow. He had tattoos now, and shoulder length hair and a nose piercing and fucking hell.
6th year had been a fumbling mess of trying not to show his feelings and trying not to get turned on by him, which was almost impossible.
By this time, he'd internalized the fact that he'd never have anyone. One night stands he could do yeah, and he did. Quick snogs in broom closets and quick shags in the room of requirement were fine but relationships? He'd never have one. It was too risky.
He was a werewolf, werewolves don't fall in love. No matter what.
Then of course, Sirius black had abolished that thought too.
Because now, at 17 years old, he was laying in bed admiring his boyfriend, gently caressing his lips and cheeks with the tip of his finger, his heart welling up with an unnatural amount of affection and fierce sense of protection.
He remembered yesterday, how Sirius and him had been up late, listening to the Beatles on the snuggled in record player.
Then the song 'I want to hold your hand.' had started playing. Remus had blushed and avoided eye contact, as if he was the one who coerced the record player to start playing it.
Oh yeah, I'll tell you somethin'
I think you'll understand
When i say that somethin'
I want to hold your hand
Remus looked at Sirius' hand next to him. He did want to hold his hand. He looked away before he could. His feelings were going to be the death of him.
Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
"You know moony, this song describes how I feel about you." Sirius had said nonchalantly looking at him, though his fingers were nervously fidgeting with the zip on his leather jacket.
"What?" Remus asked, not believing he'd heard him right.
"I want to hold your hand." Sirius said flirtatiously.
Remus looked back at the wall infront of him, his ears burning and his stomach roaming with butterflies.
And when I touch you
I feel happy inside
It's such a feelin' that my love
I can't hide
"You shouldn't want to." Remus said finally, "I'm a werewolf. I'm dangerous. I get awful around full moons and no one should have to deal with that. I have no future, ill probably end up homeless and poor. I don't want you to have to deal with that."
"Oh Remus." Sirius said, "I've been around you during full moons for ages,you're not awful, just in so much pain. I'd take it away if I could." Then he shifted closer to him and held his hand out, palm up, "Don't think about the future yet, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. What about now? Do you want to hold my hand?"
Remus did, of course he did. But it was such a bad idea. He didn't want to burden Sirius with him.
"Of course I do. But I can't. We can't do this, I don't want to be a burden to you."
Sirius pursed his lips in thought for a moment before smiling fondly at him, "why don't you let me decide that for myself?"
Remus looked at him. He shouldn't, he really shouldn't.
But fuck, he really wanted to.
So he did.
Remus took his hand.
Sirius grinned, "see, this isn't so bad, is it?"
Remus allowed himself to smile, "I suppose not."
Sirius kissed the back of his palm, "be with me Remus."
Remus opened his mouth to argue, then found that he couldn't. He wanted to be with him. And he didn't want to deny himself the privilege.
"Okay."
Now, in the early morning, as he held on to Sirius, gripping onto his waist and pressing a kiss to his hair line, he found he was terrified. Could he do this? It was risky and illegal and went against every rule he created for himself.
"Merlin," he murmured, carresing his cheek, "it's going to be so easy to fall in love with you. It's terrifying. Can I really do this?"
Just then Sirius turned and burrowed his face in his chest, his leg wrapping around his waist as he continued to sleep. Remus smiled and kissed him on the forehead.
He looked at him for a moment more and decided he would. He was a Gryffindor, was he not?
After all, love is only for the brave.
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This was written between the hours of 4 am- 6:38 am so I'm so sorry if it feels clunky and doesn't make any sense.
Also there's a lot of discourse in the family about Remus and his family, especially now bc of him being an orphan in ATYD, while I understand why people would go for that narrative, I personally don't believe it.
So here's my head canon:
Lyall, who felt so guilty about the fact that his fear and hatred of werewolves got his only son turned into one, that he fights for his rights at the ministry. Lyall who teaches his son that he will be discriminated against, but never to let people's ignorance turn him into a creature of hatred.
Hope, who loved her son more than anyone, who tried to teach him that he was worthy of love. Who supported his dreams and took care of him during full moons. Who taught him to cook and bought all the muggle books she could find. Who put plants all around his room because "they brighten up the place."
It's abit of an unpopular opinion though, maybe I'll do a Remus Lupin headcanons part 2 do that I can go deeper into his childhood and mentality as I see it. Remus is such an interesting character to me.
Maybe I'll do another one of these for Sirius. How his childhood and general mindset would affect him pursuing a relationship with Remus.
Also also also !!! I'm done w my UCAS application!!! I'm just waiting for my career teacher to say I can submit it !!! Oh my god !!!!
I hope your tea tastes like adventure and your hobbies fill you with magic and your day is perfect. You're wonderful, thank you for being here <3
Feel free to comment any requests though they will go in volume 2 and please vote!
I LOVE YOU!
-Tani