When I fall in love, it will be forever.
- Jane Austen
At everybody's funeral, there is one person, who is inconsolable. At Master George's funeral, that inconsolable person was Alexandra.
She sat in the very last row, as far away from the center as possible. A thick, absorbent napkin in her hand which was so wet with tears that if she put it on her face, rather than drying tears, it made her face wetter.
Diana was sitting beyond her, leaving a few seats' gap; she looked distracted and guilty - maybe because she had never been polite to the man. She was musing something to Fannel, who was nodding, but his eyes we unfocused - he was not really listening to her.
Kane and Watson were near the Master- their jaws were firm, but their hands shook. Almost twenty people - including Daniel, had called off their weddings for the next six months - as a mark of mourning.
The rest of Alexandra's year, with whom she had somehow lost touch, were to be seen around. Paul was looking in her direction every two minutes or so - something she didn't find strange. Everybody was stealing looks at others' faces, trying to decipher the amount of misery each one was going through. And still, nobody was talking to anybody. Nobody was paying attention to anybody else. Everybody seemed to have lost some important medication - their anchor to this Council.
Those men around her were no less distraught. But they were proper, uptight... men. Men didn't cry... not the men in Alexandra's times.
The atmosphere was gloomy and disconsolate. Above the rows of chairs, the dark day seemed to be joining in their mourning. The Sun had hid its face, as though silently wiping its own tears in the clouds. All of them had claimed to be scared of Master George. Claimed that the man was a terror. That he appeared in their nightmares. But today, when he was no longer around - everybody seemed to have understood how much he really mattered.
The espionage council was not the same without Master George.
Alexandra sniffed and wiped her eyes once more, turning to her left, to see the Head Office - it looked forlorn and dejected. Like it too had realized somebody very special was no longer with them.
Alexandra did not want to think about her times in the Head Office. She looked down, more tears streaming out. She tried to wipe them with the napkin, but it was too wet.
'Here, have another. That is too wet.'
Alexandra almost gasped in shock. For a second, she was scared the Master's death had addled her mind - that she was hallucinating.
'Don't worry. I really am here. I cannot miss the Master's funeral,' Liam assured, he was holding out another napkin to her.
Alexandra accepted it, remembering her thoughts and words that night. They felt wrong now, and she felt slightly guilty, though largely relieved that nobody had heard those. Liam could not be blamed. And Alexandra was glad he wasn't asking her to stop crying. It wouldn't mean anything. He sat down on the chair next to her and crossed his hands, looking ahead. In close proximity to him, she realized her liking of him had just grown over the past month.
Nobody said anything for the next ten minutes. Alexandra wiped her face, sniffing.
'Aren't you going to-' she then began
'Show myself?' He asked, turning. Their eyes met, and Liam's were so ravishing that she was ashamed of having ever mistaken them for any other color than of solid gold. 'Out of question. Their attention will shift to me - this is his time. I have no right to barge in between him and his students.' He turned front once again, and looked on, his arms still crossed. Alexandra was pretty sure he didn't try to appear that way, but Liam had an aura of, I'm the best. Like polished gold, always shining, dazzling- if kept in a dark room, it gave out light of its own. He carried his own luminosity, his own sunshine, everywhere. She had grown to see him differently than before. No longer, was he the humorous and easy-going man she had earlier thought him to be. Liam was deeper: he kept secrets, silently destroyed his enemies and even though he was on a completely different plane himself, he never looked down upon anybody.
Watching him, Alexandra had a strange desire to put her head on his shoulder and feel comforted. She helplessly wanted him to be protective about her. She wanted be the reason he smiled. Alexandra wanted to see tenderness and love for her in his shining, golden eyes.
She felt herself flush, for the umpteenth time, but this was more intense than ever. She wondered what it would be like, if he wedded somebody other than her. Alexandra wondered if she would be able to stomach that - endure watching him on the independence day march with an unknown beauty. She would never let that happen.
Watch it! Her mind snarled.
'I know!' Alexandra snarled back, a little too loud. Liam looked back-
'Why are you so... red in the face?' He asked, sounding concerned.
For a second, Alexandra gazed into his Amber eyes - they were deep as mountain lakes. And just as clear, striking - rare. She couldn't believe that just two days ago, she'd said she hated him. She could not hate this man.
'Huh? Uh- from crying, maybe,' Alexandra replied, breaking the eye-contact. She no longer wanted to cry. She wanted to laugh and talk and live with Liam. It felt heartless. But Alexandra was heartless. A golden-eyed man had stolen her heart.
Liam looked at for half a minute more. Alexandra knew a lot of things were going on in his mind.
'Okay...' He then said. But she got the message underneath: I know you are lying, but I'm not going to push you.
Well, thank you! Alexandra wanted to say, because she wouldn't have entertained a lot of pushing right now. First it had only been grief and pain. A little bit of anger, perhaps. Now she was also confused. She was a warrior, a hardened spy. But the matters of the heart were still new to Alexandra.
'Do you have any plans of,' she began, even though it seemed the worst time to ask of it, 'matrimony?'
It was Liam's turn to colour. And he did, growing a little discomposed. 'This wouldn't be the best time to talk of that.' He then said, straightening up.
'I don't want to think of this.' Alexandra replied, not ready to give up. She was amazed at her own stubbornness. 'But if I poked your privacy...'
'I do not.' He clarified, and looked like he would answer in monosyllables, if possible.
'Me neither.'
And it was so silly a thing to say that they looked at each other for a whole minute, trying to figure out what was going through the other's mind. But when nothing came out of it, Alexandra looked down, 'Sorry.'
'AGENTS...' Kane began, in the distance. 'It's time for us to give a final farewell to our Master. I - I'd request you to rise.'
There was no need to say any further, chairs were pushed back, crunching on the dry soil as a mass of dark colors rose. Kane dropped to his knees on the ground, bowed his head, balled his right fist and put it on the left side of his chest- right where the heart lay.
Everybody followed suit. Even Liam, kneeling down and paying their respect to the man whose voice they would no longer hear, who would no longer walk the length of the campus, his hands behind his back- calling out random members and assigning them duties.
But Alexandra was done with crying and sobbing and wailing. Alexandra was done with holding on stubbornly. She had let go- now, they had to focus on what they'd do next.
After a couple of minutes, everybody began rising and mingling once again. Alexandra looked in Fannel's direction, he was saying something to Diana - who was looking reluctant and touching the hilt of her dagger. She had just begun moving towards him that Liam grabbed her arm, 'Just a minute - this is important,' he clarified.
Saying "no" was difficult, so Alexandra followed him into the small patch of woods that bordered the grounds, still sniffing. But her thoughts were far from being on Master George. She was suddenly feeling mildly disappointed with herself, for having lived up to Betty's expectations... proving her right, when she had said, see him once, then we'll see who likes him.
Too bad, it had to be him. Somebody more reachable, from the Council - from anywhere, but somebody more common - more achievable.
Like it has ever happened that way, Alexandra thought, bitterly, people keep liking people whom they can't have.
'You should read this,' Liam said, stopping as they entered into the woods and extending an old, thin piece of parchment to Alexandra, who took it and unfolded it carefully.
She immediately recognized Master George's handwriting. The very first line said,
To the future Head of Espionage Council
Alexandra didn't read further.
'I'm not the future Head of Council.' She said plainly, folding it back.
'But you will be.'
'No - we are having no Head. As far as we can put it off - no. We'll manage without one.'
'As far as you can put off,' Liam repeated, 'But you can't put it off forever. Things need to move on. Still,' he continued, 'let's wait and watch.'
'Do I take that as a challenge?' Alexandra asked, mildly cheered up.
'Most certainly.' Liam assured her, with a small, lopsided grin. Alexandra wondered how old he was... thirty five? Because Liam looked seriously ravishing to her, and it was not only his eyes. The previous discomposure was forgotten, and they settled upon talking on, walking through the woods. 'I was a little taken aback then, but I really don't have any plans of wedding or engagement. Not anytime too soon.'
And since the topic had already landed her into a sticky spot, Alexandra decided to drop it.
'That is just as well, but how did the busiest man on the planet find time today?' She asked, keeping her thoughts as far from her teacher as possible, so that her eyes did not brim up.
'He made some.'
Alexandra smiled, she wondered why everything about him appeared so praiseworthy all of a sudden. 'I don't like Doveland.' She began, 'It is better than Losiane, but I don't like it.'
'You need not return there.' He offered, and looked like he wanted to say more - but did not.
'No, I will.'
The third instance of stubbornness she had portrayed, but this one was the best. Liam broke into a grin and had opened his mouth to say something, when-
'Mabel?' Paul's voice asked, through the woods. Alexandra's eyes widened. Liam mouthed curse it, and she pitied him for the secrecy needed in his own land. In a moment, he disappeared behind the dense woods, no time for farewells. About half a minute later, Paul came into view-
'Oh - there you are,' he muttered, walking up to her. For a second, none of them spoke - Master George's topic lying between them like fragile glass.
'Fannel was looking for you,' Paul then said, abruptly.
'Oh- okay, I'll be there.' Alexandra replied, looking behind him - if there was anybody else too, thankfully - no one.
'What were you - doing here?'
'I-' Alexandra began, 'I thought a little walk would do me good.'
'Right...' Paul said, he did not look like himself, his eyes darting to corners, 'Er- Mabel,'
'Yes?' Alexandra prompted - there was definitely something he wanted to say. 'Something you want to say?'
'Er- yes,'
'Go on, why're you stopping after every sentence, like I'm going to chew you off?'
'Mabel,' He hesitated for a second, then- 'I really like you.'
Alexandra didn't quite understand for a while. When she did, she wanted to turn away and slam her head on the hard bark of the tree behind them. So many times she had heard those lines - but not once from the pair of lips she wanted to. And all those times, she used to swear off the men as her brothers - but this time, something held her back. That something, being the slightest possibility that Liam was listening.
Uncomfortable silence etched between them. Alexandra shook her head, this time she had to make it a clear cut "no". Because she didn't want Liam to hear of her "brother-making" excursion.
'No.' She said, raising a hand and shaking her head, 'No,' she repeated.
'Why not?' He implored, taking a step forward,
'No.' Alexandra said, firmly, still shaking her head. 'I like you - I like all of you - but we're only friends.'
'Mabel, please...' Paul beseeched. 'Is there somebody else?'
'No,' Alexandra countered, she would have said "yes", to put him off, but she did not want to put off Liam too, if he was listening. 'No. Nobody else - but please, I don't want this - no.'
Paul stared at her for a second more, then his shoulders slumped. 'I understand,' he sighed. 'You won't tell me. But I can read your eyes- there is somebody else. And it is intense. But it's fine, Mabel. Fannel's still waiting.' And with that- he turned away.
'Since when? This feeling- since when?' Alexandra asked, not in complete sentences, because she was scared to ask. But not being able to contain herself, either. When Paul turned towards her again, she forced herself to look into those Hazel eyes.
'Since the third year.' He simply replied, 'let's just say I was forced to accept you were good. And when I did- I couldn't... help it.' He sighed, looking down and shaking his head. 'Don't ask me why, now.' He added, looking up, 'it's just the way it is, Mabel. We always fall for people we can't have. Somebody who is waiting for us is taken for granted.'
'I wasn't going to ask why.' Alexandra clarified. 'I was going to tell you that a funeral isn't a time to confess. That if a person even genuinely loves you - they won't say "yes" on a funeral. Especially one like this.'
'Where do I find you, then?' Paul demanded. 'On my way to the Fair? In a garden? At a banquet?' He shot at her. 'When was the last time we were both in the Council together? The passing out ceremony! The funeral makes me realize that perfectly alright people might not turn up the next day. Life is only a spot of white in endless black of death. It's the white spot's fate to be engulfed; sooner or later. I'll just tell you, Mabel - silent admirers - like I - are always there. You've got your heart on someone. Make sure you don't lose them - and later, regret.' He concluded, nodding.
Before Alexandra could move another step, Paul came back and hugged her once. A plain, friendly hug. 'I still love you. Maybe, a bit more now. But not in the way you don't want me to. I think it was good we had that removed from between ourselves.' It was so quick, so plain - Alexandra almost staggered. And he looked down with a small grin, 'I am abominably foolish. But I never apologized for the Court Barrister episode- I'm really sorry, Mabel. And, good luck.' He nodded, 'Mark Fannel won't wait for too long.' He added, then walked back the way he had come.
She was still too dumbstruck to respond - with everything happening so fast. That even Paul had philosophies up his sleeve... It was just a bit strange. And the point he had made was undeniable.
She felt all the regular emotions. She was just a plain human. But for somebody outside, she was thought to be a black, cloaked figure. Who kept knives in their hairdos and killed and tortured people. Spoke in code-words and had nothing to do with humane emotions.
That's what spies were; for the world. Mystery shrouded, unapproachable humans. And it was with enough reason that the Espionage Council had chosen to be secret.
Alexandra was alone in those dark woods- or at least- she hoped she was. Just for caution, she hollered, 'If you're still here, Liam- forget you ever heard this.' Waited for a minute, staring around.
No appearance. For the best; she could hope he hadn't heard. For good: at least, he had heard but he wasn't going to bring it up. For the worst... there was always something worse than worst, as far as Alexandra knew. And it wouldn't matter in the long run. She knew that in her heart as she made her way out of the somber grove.
ThankyouAkiraJobes for pointing out something I should have explained earlier :)