asari
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
"Please write down your name and pronouns in the blank space," The girl behind the desk muttered, screwing her eyes at me for a moment as though seeing something suspicious about me. "You're Ase, right?" She asked before I had the second to press my pen onto the paper.
I nodded, laughing awkwardly as wrote down my name and pronouns as she'd instructed.
"Hah, cool, I remember you. Welcome back," She sent me a warm smile and opened her hand so I could return the pen.
"Hey, Mike," Calum whisper-shouted, gently tugging on Mike's jacket sleeve. Mike turned. "Can you show us around later? Like, around here, I mean,"
I wasn't opposed to the idea, quite excited, in fact. I wanted to know more about the place just as much as any other new attendee.
The RDSO church was just as I remembered, though less cold, and the garden outside seemed to be more in bloom with all the various colour the summer flowers had to offer. And with this much beauty and welcome attitude, I still wondered why they hadn't chosen any location nearer the city, that way people would find it themselves instead of having to be brought in by people already in the organisation.
But perhaps they liked the sand or just the solitude.
The ride from my and Calum's apartment to the church was nothing but filled with Mike's rants about how he's been trying to pitch in the idea of bringing in baked goods, bragging about how he was better at it than anyone he knew.
Calum and I listened patiently without much input. Calum wasn't interested in baking, I'd guessed, and I simply had other things in my mind besides baked goods.
When we arrived, something about the sight of everyone making their way to the church warmed my heart. Oddly, it reminded me of moths drawing into a source of light.
It was busier than Wednesday, considering that all of the groups had meeting around the same 4 timings.
Everyone looked so bright with their overjoyed conversations, flushed summer smiles, arm in arm as though they weren't once strangers.
Whatever RDSO was doing, they seemed to be doing it right.
As I stood right by Mike, making conversation with someone I hadn't seen before, I looked around, silently - once sgain - admiring how everyone was caught in something. A conversation, some business with a clipboard and a pen, reading the timing board, or simply standing by and looking at me.
My eyes widened, aligning with a familiar pair of steel blue eyes. There he stood, slanted against the doorframe with his arms crossed against his chest.
He looked extra rockstarish with his hair more out together, as though he'd slathered some product on it to keep it down. To add on, he wore a loose shirt in red, almost akin to his car which I hadn't seen when I was walking through the parking.
It was just as he said, it looked good on him, and I hated that he wasn't lying. I stared at how it so casually hung over his shoulders, broad and tilted, the first few buttons unbuttoned to reveal his uppear chest. This didn't feel like what your group therapist should be wearing but I wasn't one to object.
Fastened around his neck was a thin chain necklace, truly tempting someone - not me - to look st that area of his chest, with the unbuttoned shirt to pair with.
Someone had been standing in front of him, deep in hand-illustrated conversation, but he was nowhere to be found in the realm of paying attention. I wondered if they noticed just how un-therapy-est Luke looked. At least I wouldn't have looked at someone dressed as so and think yes, perfect, just like a therapist would do!
But then again, RDSO wasn't that usual about their practises and whom they hired. Mariana seemed more like the typical therapist, Luke did not.
"Alright, bye, guys!" I turned to the familiar ring of Deniz's voice, seeing her take Calum away in her arm just as she did on his first meeting.
Just as I had thee instinct to follow them, mostly since they were headed in Luke's general direction, I felt Mike's grasp on my arms.
"Ey, where you going? Our meeting's this way," he rested his arm sround my shoulders and lesd me into Mariana's meeting room, mentally greeting goodbye to Luke and quietly promising I'd find him afterwards.
As I observed the room, I mostly noticed the familiar faces of who had been in my first meeting, but over half of the people attending were strangers. I only recognised Zuzi, Nico, and Adam. The rest were newer faces I'd yet to be grow accustomed to.
Once I approached the circle of the floor cushions, Zuzi's face lit up, a smile growing faster than I'd anticipated it to. "Acey! You came!" She practically jumped up to greet me, immediately enslaving me in her embrace. "Look, Nico came back, too," She pointed at the dark haired girl who had also come in the first time along with myself.
She sat with a red headed girl, paying close attention to what they'd been talking about.
"There's a lot of new people here," I noted, glancing from face to face all the people I didn't know. It made my skin crawl at the thought of relearning new pasts, unlearning previous pasts. I wondered if I'd come across the people I'd met previously or if the circle of meetings were to large and unpredictable.
Zuz shrugged one shoulder, bumping into me. "Hm, not really. We only have three newcomers today, not counting you or Nico, since this is your second meeting," the gestured her hand at the group of people. "Most of us have befen here already for some time. So, it won't take long for you to familiarise, you know. Sooner or later, you'll go 'hm, there aren't much people coming'," She laughed to herself, smiling cheesily to some joke I didn't understand or was excluded of.
She truly seemed like she was filled with life. Absolutely emnating and sharing it. I couldn't decide whether to admire or be envious of her. The former seemed a far better option since she made a great friend as well.
She guided me to the free cushion beside hers and watched as Mariana walked in with a clipboard. "Good afternoon, everyone!" She greeted, taking a seat as the commotion started to die down. "Oh, wow, we have three new faces today and I see..." Her gaze draaws towards me then Nico. "Two faces that have returned. I'm glad you came again, Ase and Nico,"
I gave a shy smile at her and at the strangers that nodded in approval.
Even though the cross was taken down and the structure was no longer used for religious purposes, the way everyone did things in unison certainly reminded me of being in church.
Mariana had begun welcoming the newcomers, putting on the gentle smile that she'd given Nico and I on our first day.
The first newcomer, Richard, a 50 something year old man that had lost his wife to a heart attack. I, along with everyone else, offered our sympathetic faces and pouts.
I sat across him, so I hadn't had the chance to offer him a back pat or an encouraging rub on his arm the way the people beside him did. Though, it certainly made me want to do so since it had given me some comfort back whe I needed it.
The next newcomer did their introduction. Grayson, late twenties, still coping terribly after the loss of his wife, having passed by childbirth.
When I looked around, I recognised that everyone came with their own loss, their own grief, their own empty space in their chest carved out by those who had left. I wasn't as alone as I'd felt, and these people weren't either.
I looked at Michael, smiling gratefully though he wasn't reciprocating my gaze,rather focused on Grayson.
"Uh, hey, guys," The redheadstarted, waving awkwardly. She hid her hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt, slouched lazily as she kept glancing at the floor. "Um, uh, so I lost my fiance recently," She twisted her mouth, blinking rapidly - to avoid tears, I suspected. "He - uh - it was, a car had crashed against his car and he - he, uh," She swallowed, slouching even more as her story slowly fell apart.
"It's alright, take your time," Mariana softly said.
Beside the redhead, Nico had started reassuring her physically, much like how everyone else was with her and I.
"Why don't you dtart with you name?" Mariana suggested, glancing at her clipboard. "Maybe your age, or what you do - there's no pressure to say who you lost or how. If you can't or don't want to right now, that's okay. There's always a next time. Do it slowly, yeah?"
The redhead looked up with a grateful tone in her eyes. "Oh, okay," She straightened. "Well, my name's Lorelei, I'm twenty-five, I'm a writer," She paused, swallowing.
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
✵
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
ㅤ
By the end of the meeting, it seemed everyone buzzed with some new form of life. Mariana seemed extra satisfied with how gleeful everyone turned out to be by the end despite the previous line of tears, sobs, and need for physical comfort.
She hadn't forgotten that I still hadn't said mauch since the last meeting. Bravely, I sucked in my breath and tried to distance my emotions from the memory I'd meant to tell. It hadn't worked, I still fell victim to some stranger's encouraging 'shh, it's alright' paired with some random hand on my knee.
It felt odd to be so... connected and touched and together so physically with someone I hadn't known, but it helped me through what I needed to say and I was grateful for that.
Intentionally, I hadn't told the full truth. It went this way: someone broke into my house while my brother was there and I was away, and my brother became victim to the thief's violent ways.
I wasn't proud of the fact that of all places I had to lie in, it was where the truth was much needed. But the truth felt too vulnerable, too ugly to even be true. I wanted it to myself so I alone had to experience the damning shame that came along with knowing it.
I felt like an even worse liar - not in the way that I was bad at it, but that I just kept on doing it. I knew to stop, but I didn't. I wanted the truth alone in my arms, alone in my head, so that maybe I could be alone with it. It didn't feel as nice as I wanted it to be.
I walked out of the meeting room without Michael by my side, attempting to seek Calum on my own as an excuse to really see Luke. I'm such a bad friend.
I walked past the main hall and into the more narrow one, peaking into the room I'd entered on Wednesday when I'd gone to fetch Calum.
There he stood, Luke, beneath the large windows that let in too much light, causing the room to look a tid bit overexposed. But it offered me a perfect view of who I was truly looking for.
He laughed with the person he'd been talking to, eyes gracing them in full contact - which I always found admirable, not just from him but from anyone who could carry out proper eye contact without feeling awkward. Luke was good at that, and when he'd done so on our car ride, he seemed to be the only one I could do the same with.
I panned my gaze around the room, seeing Calum help someone else with putting away the floor cushions. He seemed so at ease, as though no one knew of his past and that he was a free man, or he hadn't had that past to begin with.
"Hey, Cal!" I called, striding in with full confidence and keeping my eyes on my friend's beaming face. Just look at him, don't look anywhere else. There is no 'anywhere else'. I huffed, approaching Calum and giving his friend a smile, making sure it was extra smiley just in case Luke was looking my way.
"Hey, how was your meeting?" Calum asked, large grin plastered all over his features like never before. I guessed that the meeting he'd been in was quite satisfying, something at least to drag out such a pretty thing from seemingly out of nowhere.
"It was good!" I stated the fact. "Some new people today, too," I wanted to say that I was proud of telling what had happened to me - or rather, my brother - but there was nothing to have such pride about. It was mostly shame, guilt, and even more shape curling like a child in my chest, nesting itself around my lies.
Calum gestured at the guy in front of us. "Ase, this is Immis," Or perhaps Imis? Imiss? The name made me tilt my head and hide away a confused look. "Immis, this is my roommate, Ase. We came here together for the first time on Wednesday,"
Immis/Imis/Imiss smiled, absolute punctuality radiating through his pearly whites. His platinum blond hair was swept back, combed, specifically organised, maybe even gelled - he looked more put together than the rest of the other people.
I returned the smile. "How long have you been here?"
He shrugged one shoulder and looked away, the kind that people do when someone asks them an obvious or common question. "Hm, it'll be a month next week, I believe. Pretty crazy that I've been here that long, but our group therapist, uh - Luke, and the people around," He gave a pan around the room, truly meaning when he said the people around.
It looked like a spell, as though something had gone over him, Calum, everyone, and maybe even me. It didn't feel as though it was some organisation, something so mechanical sounding, so based on Earth, the ground - but all RDSO was to me was the sky, ambitions based on hopes, ignoring the Earth. I admired Immis for how dreamy he looked.
"Hey, guys, you tried the coffee yet?" Luke's voice chided from behind us, my body growing stiff for the second that he'd interrupted and surprised all of us. "There's a to of sugar packets today for some reason. Though, I don't suggest it if your blood sugar is already high, but it does taste pretty nice,"
Immis' face immediately lit up and I turned to my side to see Luke right beside me, cursing myself for wearing sandals when I was right at eye-level with his armpit. Lucky me.
I pushed back a smile at his small rant, momentarily lost in how his eyes gleamed at everyone.
"Hah, yeah, actually - have you?" Immis gestured the question towards Calum. Calum shook his head. "Ey, come,"
I watched as Immis dragged Calum away by the arm, towards a long rectangular table across the room, plastic cups and thermoses set up nicely along with some trays of snacks I couldn't quite make out.
"Coffee lover," Luke said but I kept my eyes on Calum despite how well I knew the heat of Luke's gaze on me. "I heard he collects different coffees from whichever country he travels,"
Finally, I surrendered and looked up, giving him a surprised expression - half at the coffee fact and half at how he looked at me so softly already, eyes smiling. "Oh? Coffee lover indeed," I nodded, before piping up with some half related funfact. "Ooh, did you know, ground coffee beans can actually make great footscrubs! Coffee beans have oils that can moisterise your skin, too," I smiled, he smiled, but not in the same way I was.
His was more a why do you know this? kind of smile.
He nudged his head towards the door. "You wanna walk out with me?" He asked, taking me by surprise as I hadn't expected to be taken anywhere besides back inti Mike's car then back home.
"Out?" I echoed, unsure by what he meant with that. The parking lot?
"The garden. The flowers are starting to bloom since, you know, summer," He turned, fully prepared to walk out with me treaded at his heels like a lost pup. "You might like to see it,"
A slight smirk pesked through one corner of my lips as I made my way to his side. "Show me the way, then,"
Together, we headed out into the main hall, the buzzing life of everyone busy filling whatever space was there that had previously been empty. If the way the room felt briught itself into reality, it would be some great yellow and orange blob, filling the crevices with its joyous sounds. The windows would board up and the ceilings would be covered by the yellow flood.
Simply being in the room elicited a chameleon smile out of me, something just as joyful as everyone.
"Cookies!" Someone yelled out and my head whipped to a guy holding a box full of cookies. He leaned towards Luke and I, faded hazel eyes grinning at us. "Take one only, please," He winked at me.
I did as he told and laughed when he clicked his tongue and practically slid away onto the next person.
"Jesus, this place is -" I paused, attempting to come up with the right word only to come out empty handed.
"I know," Luke continued, leading me out of the church and into the parking lot, hopping down the stairs with me right behind. "That's why I like the garden. Far less crowded, no one offering cookies or coffee, and you get a view of a shit ton of flowers!"
I gave a lsugh as I caught up by his side, making our way into a narrow path of green hedges, small spits of purple flowers I wasn't familiar with.
"You have another meeting right?" I clarified, letting my eyes glaze over the sight of the florals around me.
Luke nodded. "In an hour. More coffee, more cookies. You won't believe how much coffee I've had today," He huffed out, dramatically placing his hand over his stomach. "More coffee, more cookies, more coffee, eh, maybe more rec - uh, members,"