Hailey Ackles...
The frantic beat of a drum echoed through my ear, as consciousness began to creep in around me from all angles. My body began to wake up, my mind more alert than the rest of me as the beat continued to thump along my ear canal, my senses - smell, feeling and taste began to heighten the more I became alive from the slumber I had been in and that was what I felt it - an arm wrapped possessively curled under my neck and down around my waist. The drumming in my ear was a heart-beat. Someone else's heart-beat. Frantically my mind began to run through what had happened last night.
Whose body was I resting against?
Then the smell hit me - the delicate balance of spearmint and cedar. Jensen. My husband. That was who I was snuggled into. Relief flooded me for a few moments - relief that I hadn't done anything stupid. Because as much as I would like to say that 2 wrongs make a right, I know deep down that they don't and honestly, no matter what he has done - I couldn't cheat, could I?
No. I may be mad as Hell and hurt more than I have ever experienced before but as much as I wanted him to feel what he has done to me; I couldn't bring myself to actually do it. I know, that deep down, that 2 wrongs don't make a right. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. Not the way he had hurt me. I couldn't make him second guess everything that he once believed to be more, true than anything else in the world. And I knew that if I did to him what, he has done to me - it would leave him questioning everything that was ever between us. No, I couldn't, I wouldn't do that to him.
"Morning beautiful," his voice pierced through my thoughts.
"Morning," quickly slipping away from his embrace, I caught the way he sighed, almost as if he knew this was going to happen the moment I woke up.
"Did you sleep well?" He asked instead of voicing what I knew he wanted to say.
"Yeah, I did. You?"
"I did," turning on to his side to face me, the sheet slipped down to his waist and instantly my eyes were struggling to meet his face.
I may be mad as all Hell at him right now, but the truth of the matter is that he is still the only man in the universe who can make my heart lose its rhythm, my tummy to loop dramatically and my mouth to turn drier than the Sahara Desert. My attraction to him had always been out of my control - it happens in spite of how angry I was at him.
Even now, when I was beyond livid with him - my attraction to him raged inside of me. Creating an internal debate about whether I could actually bring myself to fuck him while being so completely let down and angry with him.
"What do you want to do today?" He asked me, the smile on his face spreading when he noticed how I was struggling.
"I do-don't know-may-maybe we co-could uhm, go and see-what-Shay-and-Remy are-up-to?" I stammered and hated myself for it. I hated that he could see the effect he was having on me, and I hated that he knew that he still turned me on.
"Or we could just stay in bed all day -?" He suggested his tongue sliding slowly along his lips.
"Jay -,"
"Relax, beautiful, I just meant we could talk, watch some movies, pig out and get back to basics," he chuckled softly.
Damn it! Why did that sound so Goddamn appealing? It also sounded kind of intimate, the type of intimacy that I am not entirely sure that I am ready for quite yet. Would I ever be ready?
I had to find a way past this because our marriage was never going to survive if I carried on the way I was. I know that he is sorry, I know that he knows he fucked up but a part of me is just not ready to give up the righteous anger I am feeling right now. I know that is unhealthy because it is putting strain on both of us, but I fear if I give in too soon, it will give him the impression that he can just go out there and do it again and all he will have to do is say sorry and I will cave.
No. That isn't my husband, that isn't how he thinks! Although to be brutally honest, I never thought that he would cheat on me, on us but he did - so how well do I really know him?
I want to get past this but how?
Maybe by starting with his plan? Spending the day in bed with my husband and trying to reconnect. Would that be enough to get me back in tune with him?
"Ok!" My response was quiet, almost barely above a whisper but he nodded, he had heard me.
"But?"
"But let's not do it in bed? Let's get dressed in our sweats and just hang out in the house?" I suggested, bringing my gaze back to his. God why does his eyes have to be so hypnotic?
"I can get behind that plan," gently and slowly moving closer, he placed a soft kiss on my forehead, "why don't you go and shower, and I will go, rustle us up, some breakfast?"
"Do you think we should go and get some supplies?"
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe some popcorn, chocolate and maybe pizza for dinner?" I suggested.
"I will go do that while you are in the shower baby," he offered.
I knew that he was trying. I could see how much he needed this to be better already, but it wasn't going to be that simple, but I needed to start taking steps to making it better. I have been stating that I want to get over what he did but until now, I haven't taken any steps to make that happen, now was the time to start; I mean that was the exact reason that we rented this little house. I knew that it was going to be a long road, but we were going to get through this.
We had to get through this because giving up on us - well, I am simply not ready to allow that to happen.
I watched him get up from the bed and grab his phone, looking at me as he typed, "I'm just gonna let Shay know we won't be over there today," he explained before hitting send and dropping his phone on to the dresser and getting dressed.
"Good idea, she'd worry if we just didn't show up. Do you think she is home yet?" I asked, looking at the clock on my cell-phone and seeing it was almost 9am already.
"Honestly, I don't know. I just hope she is ok, when was the last time she messaged you?" He asked me.
"Uhm, a little after 2am, to say they were heading to sleep," I informed him as I checked the last message that she sent me.
I knew why she had done what she did last night - it was about working Jonah out of her system and about showing Jeremy, that he could treat her however he liked, but it didn't bother her, unfortunately, I knew my friend well enough to know that she was hurting. Not just over the end of her relationship, but also over how Jeremy has been reacting to her.
That being said, after hearing what he had been through with his ex, I could definitely understand his need to remain cautious and distanced but as I told him - he would gain so much more than he could ever imagine by allowing Shayne into his life.
By the time Jay left to grab our essentials for a lazy day, I was in the bathroom and ready to wash away the lingering hangover effects from last night.
Jensen Ackles...
Standing in the alcohol aisle of the tiny little supermarket in the town where we were residing for the time being - I couldn't help but wonder if I should pick up my wife's favourite drink. Not going to lie - the thought crossed my mind that it may loosen her up enough that we could finally discuss what had happened. Unfortunately, that felt somewhat manipulative to me. I never wanted her to feel pushed into dealing with this situation before she was ready.
However, on the other hand - it has been a few weeks now. We have to discuss it at some point. And what better time when we have the time and space alone?
What was it she said to me last - it's not that I don't love you, it's just that I don't like you very much at the moment!
I should be happy with that right? I mean, she still loves me and that is far more than I deserve. I know that better than anyone could even comprehend, and I am trying to put myself in her shoes - how would I react if the shoe were on the other foot? The only problem with that is that - Hailey would never be stupid enough to ever stray. My wife had the patience of a fucking Saint and normally I do too, but that night had been hugely emotional for me and trust me, I know that anything I say, is nothing more than a pathetic excuse.
Deciding to go for it, I grabbed 2 bottles of the coconut rum and placed them in the basket, grabbing myself a case of beer and began to make my way towards the checkout lane. But I had only made it 4 steps when my phone buzzed, fishing it from my jean pocket in case it was Hailey needing anything else and opened the message. 'Hey baby, it's just me - could you please pick up extra chocolate and some tampons, Aunt Flo has just arrived ☹️☹️ thank you. See you soon xoxo,'
Turning around I made my way back to the candy aisle and grabbed extra provisions for her, then grabbed extra popcorn to before heading to the feminine hygiene aisle. Every time she had her period, she was miserable so anything that I could do to make it a little easier on her I would. Once I was certain that I had enough junk food and drinks, I quickly made my way to the checkout and then grabbed her some cigarettes and was finally on my way home.
By the time I stepped back into the house, Hailey was curled up on the sofa, a soft cashmere blanket placed over her feet, I swear her feet were always cold no matter the weather, a hot water bottle placed over her pelvic area, and her head resting on the fluffed-up arm rest of the sofa, and she was flicking through Netflix to find something for both of us to watch. "How was the supermarket at this time in the morning?" She asked, glancing over the back of the sofa as I placed the bags on the dining table.
"It was nice and quiet," I admitted as I grabbed the chocolate-glazed donuts I purchased for her and handed her one.
"Ohhhh, you spoil me!" She grinned as she took the sugar-treat and bit into it, letting out a loud husky moan as the taste burst in her mouth and instantly, I was adjusting my jeans from just the sound.
It has been way too long since I have made love to my wife and now, unfortunately that meant that I was going to have to wait even longer. I mean that is to say if she even wanted to get physical with me yet. I could understand if she didn't.
"I'm going to go and change, will I put your tampons in the bathroom upstairs?" I asked her trying to push thoughts of us getting all hot and sweaty out of my mind.
"Oh, could you pop a couple into the toilet down here and put the rest upstairs please?" She asked between bites of the donut.
"Of course,"
"Thank you, baby," she replied - she has gone back to calling me baby. That had to be a good sign, right? I mean she hasn't called me anything but Jay since I told her what happened. It wasn't something that I even think she had done consciously - it was understandable.
In fact, her entire reaction has been nothing but understandable. I had betrayed her and for that I had to expect to pay. I wasn't above being punished for my actions because what I had done was unforgivable, yet here she was trying to do the unfathomable. My wife was incredible. I had always known that - what I hadn't realised was just how fucking strong she was. The way she plastered a smile on her face when we were seen out in LA before we left to come here, and she had made sure to show that she was sticking by my side. I would be forever grateful for that.
It's not like anyone would have blamed her for walking away. I am just glad that she hadn't. I am so glad that she wanted to work through this with me. And if that meant I had to grovel at her feet then that is exactly what I would do. No questions asked.
I quickly did as she asked then raced upstairs to change into my sweats and made my way back to her. Gently lifting her head, I plonked myself down and tenderly laid her head back down on my lap, my hand landing on her hip and sighing with the sense of content welling up inside of me. This was exactly where I wanted to be. There was nowhere else I could imagine ever wanting to be - if I am being completely honest.
"Did you hear back from Shay?" She asked me, still flicking through the choices on the screen.
"Not yet, but I'm sure we will hear from her at some point," I admitted.
"Yeah. I guess I am just worried about her -,"
"How do you mean?"
"I know that she needed last night, she needed to work out that last little bit of Jonah from her system, but one-night stands were never really her thing, you know?"
It was true. Shayne never enjoyed one-night stands or flings. For my little sister it was always, all in. If you couldn't commit to her, then best to just walk away because she didn't suffer fools lightly. And she could sniff out a lie like a fart in a car. There was no pulling the wool over her eyes - ever.
However, that being said - my sister has clearly changed a lot over the years. I mean she has been living and putting up with Jonah and his mother's shit for God knows how long. That was not something that she would have ever accepted if she had been back home. Was it because she was alone here that she had basically allowed that bullshit to continue?
Either way, it was over and done with now and that meant she could move on. Maybe even move home with us. I know that is something that I have been hoping for, for a long time now.