EDITED
21
I had a good weekend being home with my family in my vulnerable state. It had helped a lot, but once I returned to school I was once again hit with the same reminder.
I arrived back to my dorm room and saw Jaycee sitting on the couch watching Matt play video games. I didn't realize Jaycee was returning so early today, I wouldn't have waited until 6 in the evening to come back.
"Hey, babe." I kissed the top of Jaycee's head as I put my bag outside of my room. "How was your weekend?" I asked, sitting down next to her.
"Peaceful. Very peaceful. An escape is always nice." She murmured. "How was your weekend?
"Relaxing." I agreed.
"Mom talked me into going back to my classes so I'm gonna try and do that tomorrow."
I was proud of her. I am aware of how hard losing someone close to you can be, but she's handling it so well.
"I'm probably just going to go drive around. I don't think I want to go to any classes tomorrow." I told her. She laid her head on my shoulder and brought her feet up on the couch.
"It gets better right?"
"Eventually." I hope to god, anyway, I thought, but I still really don't feel healed after the pain I endured from losing Lance and my parents.
Does one ever feel totally healed after the deaths of their loved ones? Ever? Perhaps, one day I will find out.
Matt continued his game, completely ignoring Jaycee and I, which I found amusing. Normally, he would have left by now, but nope, he's still playing my Xbox.
"Hey, Matt, normally you book it out of here-"
"Allen is using the dorm tonight. That's all I'm gonna say. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."
Well, that's not a pleasing thought or image in my mind. Jaycee let out a chuckle as she saw my disgusted face. Her small chuckle was enough to make me grin.
Music to my ears.
"C'mon babe, let's go to bed." I stood up again and held out my hand to help her up. I put my hand on the small of her back and walked her to my bed. I turned back to look at Matt and held up a finger.
I already knew he wanted to talk about what went down when I saw my family.
"Hey you get ready for bed and I'm going to go talk to Matt for a little bit." I told Jaycee as I kissed her forehead.
Damn. Things have changed so much these past few months. No one ever thought I would ever settle down, but I may have now. I really care about Jaycee.
Jaycee laid down in bed and was basically out like a light.
I sat down next to Matt on the couch and stared straight ahead as he stared at me.
I'm aware of why he was staring at me. He's aware of why he was staring at me.
I started sleeping with different girls around the time Lance died. That's how I coped with myself. Matt could tell I was thinking about Lance's death though.
"I'm fine." I lied, right through my teeth. "I want to, but I won't. I couldn't do that to her."
"Jack, you and I both know you have a hard time resisting urges." He reminded me. As if I could forget. "You've got something good, don't ruin it for yourself."
"I'll be fine." I said seriously this time.
"How'd it go with your family?" Matt asked, changing the topic. I was glad he did because I didn't want to talk about my past anymore.
I was past that. I don't know why it seemed like I was trying to convince my own self that.
Jaycee's POV-
I woke up the next morning, Monday, warmer than I had fallen asleep. Jackson had crawled into bed next to me, I assume, not much longer after I fell asleep.
I wanted to say bye to him before I went to my class this morning, but he has been stressed lately and I wanted him to sleep more. I got ready as quickly and quietly as I could, considering Matt was also here and sleeping.
"Hey, babe." I heard Jackson groggily say from his bed.
"Did I wake you up?" I asked, concerned.
"No, you're okay." He smiled, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "Come here." Jackson sat up and held his arms opened. I sat down and hugged him. "Have a good day, okay? If it becomes too much you can just come back home."
Home. Jackson was letting me into his home and allowing me to call it my home. He truly was the greatest.
"Thanks, Jack." I slipped on my shoes and waved goodbye to Jackson as I walked out of the dorm.
There was only about 3 weeks until testing and I need to get myself and Jackson back on track beforehand. Ready, to move on or not.
I hesitantly stepped into my calculus class and found my seat. Everyone was staring at me. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. Teacher and all.
"Good morning, Jaycee." The teacher greeted softly. I suspected I was going to be treated with special treatment, but that's not what I wanted. I wanted everything to go back to normal.
So, I forced a smile upon my face and greeted the teacher back, "Morning."
I proceeded to do my calculus work, catching up on notes and handing in a few assignments I had done while I was gone.
Post class, I wandered aimlessly around the hall of Stanford University, sadly.
All I ever wanted since I was little to grow up and go here and live my dream. I wanted to meet new, wonderful people and have those people stick by my side for the rest of my life. I thought Claire was going to be one of those people, but she won't be.
Claire was my only girl friend here. Don't get me wrong, Jack, Matt, Caleb, and Josh are great, but who am I supposed to go to for guy trouble? And everything else a girl is supposed to turn to her best friend for?
I really was missing her. I missed her waking me up early in the morning because she was such an early bird. No matter how annoying it was, I would do anything just to have her wake me up at 6am again. Anything.
I feel bad sticking around Jackson when Claire didn't like him at all. She always thought he had bad motives, but I saw the greatness in him. Jackson has been the best thing for me since Claire died.
I walked down the hallway to my next class of the day. Unfortunately, this hallway was also the memorial hallway. There were plaques of few deceased professors and students. Very few students - Claire being one of them.
Clarissa M. Evans
Clarissa was always a joy to have here at Stanford. She was always making others' days and never failed to put a smile on our faces. It's a shame such a young, friendly girl had to lose her life when she had such a bright future. She's in a better place now and we know she will be watching over this school with her big angel wings. Rest In Peace, Clarissa.
1995-2014
I shook my head, trying not to cry and went into my history class. I pulled on the sleeve of my hoodie and started chewing on it when tears started to fall.
Professor McSellan approached my desk. "Jaycee, I think it's great you're trying to get back into the swing of things, but I think you should just take your work home and rest, okay?"
He was probably right. I made it through one a class, that was enough for now. One step at a time.
Speaking of one step at a time, I should check up on Josh and see how he is doing with the baby news after losing Claire.
I gathered my things and got the key out that Jackson had lend to me on Friday. I unlocked the door to his dorm and saw the main room empty. I heard noises in his room, so I figured he had decided to just stay home after all, instead of driving around aimlessly.
I turned the corner into his room without announcing my presence. Though, dear God, I wish I would have. I stood there and slapped a hand over my mouth.
Jackson had had a girl pushed up against the wall as he kissed her, her legs wrapped around his waist. She was just in a t-shirt and underwear while he was shirtless and his jeans were unbuttoned.
Oh my God.
This is what I meant. Who do I run to?
"Jaycee," Jackson called after me, his voice cracking when I retreated. I threw the keys on to the couch and made bee-line for the door. "Please, don't go. Let me explain." Jackson begged, running into the room as he pulled a shirt over his head.
"Explain how you outright cheated on me? I'm sorry I was in such a vulnerable state and failed to give you what I wasn't ready for." I cried.
Maybe it wasn't technically cheating, seeing as we were never official, but I swear we had agreed we were exclusive. I guess it was a one-sided agreement.
With that, I left his dorm room and ran down about two flights of stairs until I knew Jackson wasn't following me. I sat down on the stairs and allowed my hands to fall into my lap as I cried.
He swore to me that he wouldn't hurt me. He promised me I wasn't just another fling, but it was all just a lie. Of all the times and he chose now, not even a month after losing my best friend.
"Jace...er, I mean Jaycee, what's up? What's wrong?" I saw Matt coming up the stairs. He stopped and sat down next to me.
"Are you going to see Jackson?" I asked, his name feeling absolutely bitter on my tongue.
Matt nodded, skeptically. "I'm sure he will fill you in." I muttered and stood up. I slowly, emotionlessly walked down the stairs further until I reached the bottom. I went to the school and walked slow laps around the track, not having the life and energy in me like I used to back when Claire was alive
Jackson's POV-
"What in the actual fuck did you do to that poor girl, Garfield?!" Matt screamed at me as soon as he walked into my dorm room.
After Jaycee ran out, I went after her until she bolted down the stairs. I came back here and didn't even bother to close my door. I've just been sitting here on the couch, with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, feeling nothing besides disappointment in myself.
I have never fucked up so badly in my entire life, and that's saying something because I have fucked up a lot of things.
"I did something I never thought I would or could do to her, Matt." I said quietly. "I cheated on her."
•••
Sorry for the slight delay. At least Yall weren't waiting 8 months again HAHAHA. Okay so it's actually not funny considering Yall were waiting a really long time for an update.
I bet everyone's outlooks on Jackson have changed now, but think it through. I am not saying Jackson is in ANY right state of mind for doing what he did, but that's how he coped with Lance dying and that's all he's been thinking about lately.
So hold onto your death threats for a few chapters and if you still think Jackson is the worst person ever then that's fair! Haha.
I love you all! Thanks for reading and sticking with me and this story!
- emily