Invisible Moon
Chapter 28
The Air in the Rain
"The air could be soaked when rain falls."
#WINisWIND
The sky was so gloomy today, it wasn't sunny anymore.
The bright sunlight was hidden behind the clouds.
This atmosphere reflected how I currently felt.
I kept walking aimlessly. Everything seemed to be endless. Letting the pain clench my heart. Letting the sadness burden me, again and again. I kept recalling the bad memories. Those harsh words from others kept replaying in my head. I was lost in darkness. I couldn't bring myself out of this endless loop of depressing thoughts.
Before, I had felt like I finally found the light of my life.
But it turned out that the light was ruined by me.
If that light went somewhere else instead of coming to an air like me, it wouldn't end up this way.
I could only blame myself.
I paused for a moment. I looked up at the sky. The thunder was so loud. The sky was grey. My heart felt even heavier.
Suddenly, it started to pour.
Even the sky was bullying me.
I was just standing in the rain. My body was soaked, but I still kept walking lifelessly.
I couldn't even remember what my goal was, I didn't even know what I should do.
I was wondering whether I had chosen the right path. Then why wasn't it a beautiful path? Why did this path cause others pain? What did I do wrong?
Or, I should just return to being the fading air I was before. Living in a place where no one would notice me. At least, I wouldn't hurt anybody.
I was so immersed in my thoughts that when I came to, I was already standing near the lake. Suddenly, I recalled the first day that I met P'In here. He was like the light of my life. He made me value myself. He made me stand proudly in the limelight.
Then, I cried to release this tightness in my chest.
Perhaps, if I hadn't met P'In, if we hadn't known each other, everything would be better.
It wouldn't matter if I were the only one who got hurt, but I unintentionally hurt P'In who was so good to me. I couldn't forgive myself.
"This...is the worst..." I could only cry alone.
My tears were falling along with the rain.
The sound of my sobbing was drowned by the thunder.
I lowered my head, letting the tears and the rain release all the pain in my heart.
I didn't know how long I cried. I had a headache and my eyes were painful. I cried until the rain stopped.
No...it didn't. I could still hear the sound of rain, but it wasn't dropping on me anymore.
So, I looked up. It was still raining, but somehow...
An umbrella? Someone was holding an umbrella over me. When I realised it, I widened my eyes and turned around.
It was P'In.
"P'In..." I was surprised to see him. How did he come here?
I noticed some white paint stain on his hands, probably from erasing those painted insults for me.
When I thought about this, I felt so ashamed. I gave him so much trouble, but he was still by my side.
"P'In..." When I saw him, I couldn't help crying even more.
I could only blame myself. I didn't want to cry in front of him, but I was just feeling so wretched.
P'In didn't say a word. He just came closer, standing next to me. We were both under the same umbrella now.
"P'In...I'm sorry." I couldn't think of any other word except sorry. And I didn't expect him to forgive me.
He didn't answer. He only pulled out an earphone, and put it in my ear.
I flinched a little.
"I'm not good at talking," P'In said. "So I want you to listen."
P'In was selecting a song on his cell phone. I couldn't understand what he was trying to do. He just wanted me to listen to a song?
I turned my focus to the song.
...I kept asking myself, where do I find happiness?[1]
A man walked past me,
He asked for an umbrella, but he already had one.
I was surprised, under the rainfall...
The song's smooth tone suited the rain.
...Then he asked if I want to feel happy,
Let's just fold the umbrella for a while.
And look up, feel the raindrop falling into your eyes.
Are you still wet? Or did the rain stop?
I unconsciously looked at the sky, the rain seemed to slowly cease.
...Upon the sky, nothing is certain if you look from here.
Sometimes it's dark, sometimes it's bright.
The rain could be a storm or simply a light breeze...
'That's true.' I thought.
Our life was like the sky, uncertain. Why did we have to worry so much?
...The happiness that you have been looking for,
It wasn't far away, just in front of you...
I let the melody soothe my tension, just like the sky that was starting to clear.
I looked at P'In. Then, another feeling was overflowing, replaced with sadness.
...Don't hold on, just let it go, then you will not be sad.
No one can avoid change as they grow.
Happiness is just the way you look at it...
The song implied that all happiness could be found anywhere. No matter what you were facing, just change your point of view and let it go so we wouldn't be unhappy because of it anymore.
Just like the rain. If we opened an umbrella to avoid getting wet, we might not want to fold it. However, once we folded the umbrella, perhaps, the rain wasn't as bad as we expected. Perhaps, the heavy rain that we thought was only a raindrop. Nothing more.
Even the problem I was currently facing was actually nothing more than thoughtless criticism from people who didn't even know me. Nothing more.
"Rain stopped," P'In said, folding the umbrella.
I looked up at the sky. The sky after the rain was so blue and beautiful. The rain left a refreshing sensation on the surrounding trees. The slight water drops sounded so calming.
"When unhappy, just look at something else that makes you happy." P'In said while looking up at the sky as well.
I understood what he meant. I shouldn't put my own happiness in other people's hands, nor tie it with the fame and the criticism I receive, because I couldn't control it and it would make me unhappy.
'Then, what exactly can make me happy?' I asked myself.
I looked at P'In. He was as bright as the sunlight after the rain.
"The truth is the truth, it won't change." P'In said tersely, but it had a deep meaning.
We both knew the truth. I didn't do anything to make P'In choose me to be the Moon. P'In just realised my hidden talent and chose me. Mr. Chana did as well.
I became the University Moon and got into the UNISTAR final stage because of my own talent, because of everyone who supported me. It's not what those people accuse me of. I had the right to be proud of myself. This might be what P'In was trying to tell me - the truth is still the truth.
But...What was my happiness? If becoming the Moon didn't make me happy, then what was it?
...Have you ever wondered how we met?[2]...
When the song 'Grey Umbrella' had ended, P'In's playlist automatically played the next song. P'In didn't seem to be concerned about it, but I didn't want to take the earphone off, so I kept listening.
...Among hundreds of people, thousands and tens of thousands
Who destined you to meet me?...
My thoughts were flowing along with the song.
This world had so many people, how did I meet someone like P'In?
How could a fading person like me meet with the Invisible Moon like him?
...The answer to the love that we were looking for
it's you and me...
My life had been so aimless until I met P'In. It was as if I met the light. He changed me and the way I looked at myself.
...Perhaps the heavens brought you here
I knew at first sight, when our eyes met.
You're the one I've been waiting for...
What if it wasn't just a coincidence? What if we were destined to meet each other? P'In who gave me the motivation to change myself in a good way.
...It was me, who used to be unsure
Then the more I see you, the more I love you...
When I looked at P'In again, it felt as if the clouds had suddenly faded away. Everything was so clear right now.
P'In wasn't only my inspiration, but he was so much more.
...With this, I knew,
Heaven brought us to love...
Love? I widened my eyes.
Right. I used to think that I admired P'In, I was just happy to be with P'In.
But now, I asked myself again.
I wasn't sure since when the answer became 'NO', it wasn't only a simple admiration for a senior. I...expected much more than that.
As if there were a million butterflies fluttering in my heart.
Even more when our eyes met.
Nevertheless, this feeling came with guilt.
"P'In krub..." I took off his earphones. My voice was shaking. I recalled what his fans blamed me for.
They called me gay Moon. They insulted me, saying that I approached P'In with a bad intention. They said I was trying to flirt with him. I was bullied because they thought that I sold my body to win the Moon contest.
Even though that wasn't true at all, I couldn't deny it.
I did want to be the Moon, but that's because I wanted to be with P'In.
But P'In still insisted that the truth is the truth. He trusted me wholeheartedly. He gave me so much help. But now, I was the one who wasn't honest with him.
P'In was waiting for me to say something.
"What if...what they said...is the truth?"
P'In seemed to be confused.
"Which one?"
"The thing about..." I didn't dare to face him.
"About you and me...I was nearly like what they said."
I was so shameless.
"...I wasn't honest to you..."
P'In stayed silent and I continued to say...
"P'In, what they said is the truth."
I put myself together and looked up at him.
What if I was really the gay Moon as they accused?
What if I just wanted P'In as they had said?
What if I didn't want him to be just my senior?
Then, what should I do?
"Between me and you...my feelings are more than that..."
Even though I felt so ashamed of what I said, I couldn't stand the guilt of hiding it from him.
Once I told him what I really felt, his calm expression changed. P'In also widened his eyes in surprise.
"P'In...What should I do?"
I understood at last.
Deep in my heart, I didn't want to be the Moon. I just wanted to be with P'In.
The happiness that I was looking for was just right here, in front of me.
I didn't want to be recognised by everyone. I just want to be someone important to P'In.
However...was I also P'In's happiness or not?
I had already fallen in love with P'In.
What should I do?
☽------------☽
Footnote :
This chapter included some lyrics from the real Thai original songs which I listed the song names with the official audio below.
However, the English lyrics in this chapter aren't the official, I and my translator partner translated them from the original Thai lyrics according to our understanding. So, if there is any mistake, please accept our apology.
(Those two songs are my favourites too! Hope you enjoy listening while reading this chapter >_<)
[1] Whatcharawalee - The Grey Umbrella (วัชราวลี - ร่มสีเทา)
[2] La Ong Fong - The heaven brought us to love (ละอองฟอง - คนที่ฟ้าส่งมาให้รักกัน)