It's lunchtime at school. Weeks after my act of disloyalty. I've been avoiding the living hell out of Loren for obvious reasons. Aron and I are fine. Mostly cause I'm always silent and very compliant. He's asked me multiple times what's wrong and I tell him I'm just tired from therapy. He doesn't buy it. He's been getting annoyed with me again, as have I. I was always a good liar. 'A good actor' as Loren put it. Not with him. Dammit.
I'm sitting outside with the guys. Aron forgot his lunch (very unlike him, but that's what happens when you date a train-wreck) so he went inside to buy some.
I'm barely listening to the guys' conversation when Loren turns up.
She's wearing her normal 'popular girl' uniform (skinny jeans, trendy crop top, sneakers) and her makeup mask is right back on her face. But somehow it looks off. Her hair isn't perfectly straight, her eyeliner is the tiniest bit smudged.. it's unlike her. Normally she looks meticulously perfect.
She eyes me intently.
"Can we talk?" She asks.
The guys watch us curiously.
I look around if Aron's anywhere in sight.
"I'm kind of busy." I say.
"We need to talk." She says. She looks like she could cry any moment.
"Fine." I agree quickly. I don't want her making a scene.
"Not here." I say as I lead her to the side of the school. It's deserted here.
I turn to face her. Her arms are crossed and she's avoiding eye-contact. I'm sure she's gonna start a whole rant about how we should get back together or how much our quickie meant to her but I don't wanna hear it. I can't.
"Look, Loren. Whatever happened with us was just a one time thing. I'm with Aron and we're happy, okay? So just let it go. It didn't mean anything." I say this without feeling even an inch of regret. It's just the truth. Honestly, at this point I just feel dead inside.
She looks hurt but not surprised.
"Well, maybe it meant something to me." Her voice is close to breaking.
"Too bad." I say harshly.
More pain in her eyes. I ignore it.
"Are we done?" I walk past her.
I hear a bitter laugh behind me.
"I'm pregnant." She says like it's nothing.
I stand still.
She has to be kidding. This has to be some sick joke, right?
I turn around and face her. There's not an inch of humor in her face. Just flat pain.
"Is this one of your schemes again? You acting again?" I say more to myself than to her. I try to convince myself this isn't true.
She shakes her head.
"Maybe it's someone else's." I say this, almost accusing her.
She swallows. "There was no one else."
I stomp my foot, trying to make it not true.
"We used a fucking condom!"
A tear runs down her cheek. She's shaking as she wipes it away.
"Aren't you on the pill?!"
"I went off it when we broke up." She says quietly as she stares at the ground.
Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't believe this.
I lean onto the wall of the school for support.
"Well, you're having it removed right?!" It's a stupid question to ask. Of course she's having it removed. She has to. She has all these big plans of getting into college early and what not else. A baby isn't in her five year plan.
She looks up at me, anger in her eyes.
"Of course not! How could you say that?"
"Are you kidding?" I almost laugh. "Tell me your joking!"
"I'm not killing a baby!" She raises her voice.
"It's hardly a baby, Loren! If you get it out now—"
"Stop saying 'it' like it's this object!"
"Who the fuck cares!" I scream, full rage taking over now.
I lean forward so she gets this through her thick skull.
"Loren, I can't have a fucking baby!" I scream.
"You think I wanted this? To have a baby with a self absorbed asshole like you?!" She yells back.
I take a step back to keep myself from shoving her. Is she insane?!
We're both quiet for a while. Thinking to ourselves, trying to calm down. I can't.
I turn back to her. Her eyes are pleading.
"Look, whatever you do with that thing is on you. But don't expect me to be a part of it." I spit out the words without thinking and walk off.
***
In the car, on my way home I lose it. I completely lose it. I got Loren pregnant, because I cheated on Aron. And soon he'll know. Shit, what if she tells him? She'll tell everyone.
It's all falling apart. My whole life is falling apart.
I run out of the car. I open the door to my apartment, ready to cover myself under my blankets and never come out again when I spot my mom sitting at the table next to the door.
She looks the same as when I last saw her. No, she looks better. More put together than normal.
"Hi, sweetie." She smiles.
"Hi." I say, my voice strained.
I can't help the shame I feel as I look at her. I feel ashamed that I'm such a disappointment. She hasn't exactly been the best mom either but I never wanted things to turn out this way. My eyes are wet and I know the tears are coming. I try to hold them in.
Her face turns from happy to concerned and she studies my face.
"Sweetie, what's wrong?" She asks.
I sniff and look down at the floor. My face contorts to pain and I sob as the tears stream over my cheeks.
"Sweetie?"
I throw myself into her arms and cry into her chest.
I cant hold it back anymore. I'm wailing without a stop.
"Oh, baby.." She repeats, sounding very worried as she strokes my hair.
"It's going to be okay.." She tries to comfort me.
"It's not! I fucked up, mom. I fucked up.." I cry.
"Whatever happened, we can fix it.."
"No!" I sob.
"Sshhh.." She whispers as she rocks me slowly.
"It's okay, it's okay."
***
I've got over fifty text messages. Some from Loren, some from Aron, my friends..
I'm in my mom's bed after a hot shower. My eyes are red from all the crying and she made some soup.
It's really good. I'd forgot how nice mom's soup always was.
"Oliver," She strokes my shoulder.
"You know you can't let Loren deal with this alone."
I look down at the white sheets.
I nod.
"You don't want to be that kind of person. Like your father, right?"
I shake my head. Anything to not be like him.
"Then you have to toughen up and figure this out with Loren. If she really wants to keep the baby you have to help her. I know you think you can't take it but you're very strong. Much stronger than me.. or your dad." She smiles.
I look into her clear blue eyes. "Do you really think I can do this?" I whisper.
"I'm sure you can, sweetie. And I'll help you. I know I haven't always been there for you but that changes now." She closes her eyes in shame. "I've said that before but I mean it."
She looks at me earnestly and smiles.
I look down. She has said that before. And as much as I want to, I can't believe her.
"I quit my job yesterday." Mom says.
I look up surprised. Tears fill her eyes.
"I'm going to do better. I promise."
I fall into her arms and hold her tight.