Vee Vivis
"Calm down self, calm the fuck down! It's not like it's your first! Calm...the...fuck...down."
I was mainly talking to myself infront of the mirror fumbling unnecessarily to the collar of my shirt. I came down to the hotel's lobby 30 minutes ahead of the agreed time and I can't count how many times I have checked the way I look on every surface that can serve as a mirror.
It feels like I'm having a date for the first time with Mark and the 15 year old boy in me is getting all giddy and excited. It took me a year to rehearse what I would be saying to him after corrosively breaking up with him. The time we have spent the last few days since I came in Sapporo wasn't enough to fully express what I wanted to tell him. So tonight will be my only, and could be the last chance for me to do that.
But first things first. I have to look extremely handsome infront of Mark. I ruffled my hair infront of the mirror and adored how striking I can be regardless of how I styled my hair. I'm sure Mark will be melting when he sees me.
"Are you done glorifying yourself in the mirror you narcissistic piece of lump?"
Much to my dismay, Mark came down with Kana trailing like some leech beyond him, already displaying a nasty grin in his artistic face. His face was bare and no longer wears any kind of concealment to hide his identity. What is he doing down here? Will he be coming with Mark and me on or date? I glanced at Mark and gave him a questioning look about his company. He just gave me a weak smile before Kana could speak again in his behalf.
"I'm going with the both of you. Is there a problem with that?" Kana told me in an intimidating tone. He looked like he was enjoying himself seeing me getting more and more annoyed with every passing minute he stays in front of me.
"Are you Mark's lackey or something?" I asked him holding no sense of discretion. But Kana only chuckled and seemed to be pleased even more.
"Stop annoying him Kana." Mark told off his friend before turning to me. "Don't mind him P. He's just gonna get some beer and pick up some food take-outs from the same restaurant we are going. The three of them decided to stay on the hotel instead because Jane was feeling a little under the weather." Mark explained making me relax. Kana made some weird face before walking out ahead of us.
Mark walked beside me and our hand brushed ever slightly. I don't know if it is just me or both of us become really hypersensitive from each other's touch that one has to moved his hand away immediately. Mark walked a little more faster right in front of me towards his car.
Kana drove us to the restaurant Mark reserved earlier. Mark told me that he doesn't need to bring his own car because he has plans to walk me around after dinner much to my delight. When we reached the place, Kana went out to do some orders while Mark pointed me to our table. He then excused himself to talk with the owner of the place along with Kana.
As the three of them talked standing near each other at the counter, I noticed that a few diners have their smart phones out pointing at the direction of the three persons. Then the person who appeared to be the owner left Mark and Kana alone to stare down at the menu book they are sharing.
With the closeness of both of their heads lowered down reading the menu, anyone won't be able to deny that the relationship between them is very special. I heard an excited giggle from the group of girls dining a few tables away from ours. They were all ogling at Mark and Kana who are now laughing heartily pointing down at the menu.
If not for my knowledge about the two's closeness as bestfriends, I might already pulled Mark off away from Kana. The damn kid have forgotten about his celebrity status and compromised his identity along with Mark's own privacy. I was about to stand and tell this to his face when Mark finally left him and came walking back to our table.
"I'm sorry about that P. The owner of the place was Kana's relative. He suggested a few specialties from the menu. I ordered for the both of us already. You're ok with anything but raw meat right?" He told me in his usual serious tone of voice that was far from the one's he had with Kana just now.
"..."
"P? P Vee?" He called out my name when I wasn't able to answer him. I wanted to sulk because of the difference of the treatment he gave Kana and me. He looks like he's more happy when his with that guy compared when he's with me.
"Huh? Yeah. Sure. Whatever is fine." I told him with bitterness in my tone. I pushed back the menu to him without even throwing a glance inside. He never missed noticing it.
"Why are you acting like that? What's wrong P?"
"Why don't you just invite that friend of yours to sit with us?"
"Huh?"
"Your friend, Kana. Why don't you just make him sit here and dine with us? You look a lot happier when he's around." I finally told him my observation. If it's really the case then why should I rob him of this happiness? It's annoying and I'm extremely jealous but if he's happy, then so be it.
Mark gave out a small laugh staring at me getting all pouty. "Have you been drinking vinegar P?"
"What?"
"Drinking vinegar over Kana. It's a Chinese phrase for getting jealous P. Are you still doing that?" He leaned forward so that he can show his dimples more to me. His eyes are sparkling watching me getting shy.
"Well I don't know about drinking, but I wanted more to throw the vinegar on his eyes."
"P Vee!"
"What? I'm jealous alright. The people around were taking pictures of you two. Is that alright with you?" I told him glancing to the girls at the other table who are now busy with their smart phones.
"Ah. Don't mind them P. If it's in Tokyo then I'd get a little worried going out with him around. It's not the first time that our pictures are being feasted on social media anyway." One of the girls turned to glance at Mark and he simply smiled at her making the girl blush.
"Don't do that." I said to him warily.
"Do what?"
"Don't just smile to any random stranger like that." Because I don't want them to see this adorable side of him. Mark smiled back at me even more handsomely.
"Because?"
"Because I hate it when strangers look at you hungrily. It's not as if you have the responsibility to appease them." It's not as if he's a celebrity like his friend Kana. So the public has no right to get his smile back.
"So what do you want me to do when they look at me? Cry? Frown? It'd be bad to my image P. Imagine them uploading pictures of me crying on social media. Would it be a whole lot better if I'm smiling?" Mark continued to smile while talking to me and I fight my every urge to just grab him around his neck and pull him in for a kiss. Will it be better if a picture of that gets uploaded on social media instead? That would stop Kana's fans from having that ridiculous fantasy of shipping the two of them.
The food he ordered came and we halted from talking about that issue. He really ordered a quality set of steak that I like so much. I can't stop grinning while I enjoyed eating the food in front of me and chatting in between with Mark. He too has a contented smile painted on his face and looking rather happier than before.
After having our fill, Mark and I walked through the nearby park. Compared to the first day I walked over the snow, it had become a lot warmer with me wearing a proper outfit that is suitable for the weather. In addition, Mark was a whole lot cheerful and sober compared to that first night he walked me out in the streets.
I took pictures of the view and made Mark snapped some with me on the frame. I'd wanted to ask him to do a selfie together but I was still hesitant. I'm afraid he'd turn me down.
"I'm glad that you are adjusting very well to the weather here P. Aren't you cold anymore?" He asked as we walked side by side each other. I smiled to myself thinking something wicked.
"I am! My hands are all numb from the cold. What do I do with this Mark?" I rubbed my hands together and blow a breath or two for some warmth like what I saw people doing on tv. I pretended not to know what to do and act helpless.
For a moment Mark was silent. So I continue on rubbing my palms together to show him how cold I really feel.
"You can't act like this P." He said in a very low tone.
"Act what? Cold? But I'm really cold Mark." I side glanced at him and said it with much confidence to cover my acting.
"You can't act like this P. Act like we are still together. That's what I mean." He told me glancing back at me with a serious face.
"Mark, I..."
"What is it that you expect when you come here in Japan P?" Mark stopped walking, so I also did. The turn of our conversation had gotten more serious and I think it's the time for me to make my intentions to him more clearer. I said it to him earlier today that I wanted him back. I just need to make him more convinced.
"I already told you, I came here to get you back. No matter how many times you asked me about it, my answer would never change. I really want you back in my life Mark."
Mark was silent once again and we stood there looking at each other with a few people buzzing around us totally indifferent with what we are doing. It's the perfect place to be talking to each other without getting much attention from others, especially when two man in Japanese grounds converses in Thai.
"It's not that easy P. And everything is not the same anymore. What do you expect after about a year of us two parting? Do you think nothing changed? Are you sure I feel the same way about you like back then? How can you be this confident P?" There are noises around us but his voice and the way he delivered every words was clear enough for my ears. And I suddenly feel the dread in those words. I haven't considered about Mark's feelings once again. Can it really be that different compared to before? I only relied to the body language he showed me. But what if I was only thinking ahead of myself? Did I misjudged his actions? But the way he looks at me with those transparent and honest eyes of his, it could never be a lie right?
"I still love you Mark. If it ever changed, it's more like I have love you way much more than before. Is it not the same to you?" I asked. Declaring love to him like this has never been this easy. It all came came out naturally because it was exactly how I feel.
Mark draw back a few steps hearing me say the word love. "I'm not sure about that P. I have been with other people after breaking up with you. I did not bury myself in grief after you left. How can I say I feel the same way for you?"
"You have been with other people? What do you..."
"I have slept with other people if you want me to say it out bluntly P. Well haven't you? We are both men afterall. Who doesn't have needs in that aspect and remain in abstinence for about a year?" He said laughing nervously after. As to me, I felt a sudden pang inside my heart. What do I really expect? It was stupid of me to think that Mark would only sleep with me. I haven't done it with anyone after Mark but it doesn't mean he can do the same. He's quite popular with his looks and many people wanted to be with him. How can I think that he exclusively belongs to me?
"I...I haven't...I couldn't do it with anyone else other than you. But you...well.." I stuttered looking at how his eyes suddenly went wider hearing my confession.
"You haven't slept with anyone else right after we broke up P? Are you serious?" I only nodded once.
"For a year? You really haven't?" He repeated the question after he wasn't convince of my answer.
"No. I can't bring myself to sleep with anyone after having you. If it's too funny and unbelievable because you can't bring yourself to do it doesn't mean it's not credible on my part. We are not the same afterall Mark. Maybe I have fallen harder. Or I was just really stupid and naive. I'm sorry about that." I told him in a shaking voice. The pain from knowing him play with other people still lingers on my nerves.
"That's why I'm telling you everything is not the same anymore P. What we had back in Thailand was so surreal that it now felt like it was all a dream. The world we are living now is the real world P."
"If that's the case for you, I tell you it was the opposite for me. Those times that you were not by my side, they feel like some horrendous nightmare. I was trapped in that same routine of missing you that I wanted so bad to wake up and feel more human again. Even if the days we spent together weren't that all perfect and blissful, those were the days I feel more like my self. So even if I hear this hurtful words from you now, I'd rather prefer this compared to the times when you are not around."
I brave myself and grabbed hold of Mark's hand, finally feeling its warmth. I have expected him to flicked my hand away but he didn't. He let me hold his hand as we stared at each other in between that snow covered streets.
"It's impossible for us to be together P. Fate keeps on telling us this." He sofly said, his eyes wavering in sadness.
"To hell with fate! I can deal with that bitch myself!" I had enough of fate messing around the both of us.
"My life isn't that simple P. You'll get wary and tired facing my problems in the end. You will again leave me when that happens." Mark said squeezing my hand on his. This is what traumatized him the most. My weakness that left him most of the time to suffer all alone. From the time when we were kidnapped as kids until the events from a year ago that involved his psycho ex-girlfriend, Saya.
"It could never do that again. I could never be that selfish again. I am more mature now to protect and fight for you." I assured him squeezing his hand back.
"I don't trust you. I don't trust any promises from you P. I'm sorry. I'm too scared to get hurt all over again." He finally pulled his hand from mine and stepped back a little further from me.
"Mark..."
"My life at the present is better without you P. Why do you have to come back and messed it all up?" He said this more loudly with much contempt on his voice. His face twitched into a pained one and my heart can't stop hurting.
"Mark. Please. Trust me again. Just this one last time." I begged stepping closer to him. But he only shake his head stepping more further back.
"It keeps on repeating like some old tape P. We get back together only to hurt each other and then repeat. I'm so tired of it P. Can you please let me go already? Can we please stay out of each other's lives for good?"
"Mark please..."
"Go back to Thailand P. Go back and leave me alone. I no longer love you like before. So you can stop now." His words are like a thousand burning coals that suddenly burnt a whole inside my heart. Despite of the cold weather condition, my heart is burning in pain. Mark finally said he doesn't love me. So I really misread every actions of his.
"You no longer love me? Did I hear it right Mark?" I asked him, my voice trembling.
"Yes P. I do not. Don't mistake my flirting for love. They were different. I really mean it when I said I wanted to sleep with you again. But it's not out of love anymore P. I am like this afterall. I do this with other people too. So you can stop deluding yourself that everything has to do with love." He chuckled in sarcasm while averting his eyes somewhere else.
"Right. Right. I'm sorry. I was delusional Mark. You can stop talking more hurtful words to me now. I don't know if I can ever take more." I tried to give him a smile but I can only lower my head down. It felt so heavy and my eyes gets so itchy.
"It's over P. It's over. Let's stop right here for good." He added.
"Ok." I can no longer say anything more than ok. I'm far from ok right now after getting rejected by Mark so it's a little ironic to say the word.
Another minute of silence enveloped us before one of us can talk again.
"Can you grab a cab on your own and go back to the hotel P? I have somewhere else I have to be." He told me shaking off a few bits of snow that gets on his coat. He's now smiling as if nothing had happened.
"Ok." I answered weakly again as he turned to leave without any other words.
The snow kept on coming down to the earth as I watched Mark's back walking away from me. I remember coming here to see him again and at the same time, see for myself how winter looks like. It's just so sad that I'd be seeing Mark and the snow for the last time tonight. I think I'll be flying back to Thailand tomorrow. It's over. Mark no longer wants me. I have to step back and leave him be in peace.
My world turned into a slow motion as I noticed a suspicious man cloaked in all black trailing behind him. My instinct tells me something was quite off with the situation so I quickened my footsteps following them.
Then the world seem to stop when I saw the man hitting Mark hard on the back of his head with the bottom of what looks like a pistol. Mark immediately tumbled down the cold ground as the man pointed his pistol down at him.
"You! You are not worthy to stay around Kana Sama! You man whore! How dare you flirt with Kana sama while holding hands with some other guy as well!" It was a woman's voice that came out from that brusquely figure. I have studied Japanese and I can pretty understand as much as what she had just said to Mark. Mark was sitting on the ground cautiously watching over the girl. The people around panicked and started calling out for help.
"Hey. Let's talk this out miss. I think you have misunderstood something." I heard Mark told the girl as I slowly made my way closer, waiting for my chance to get him away from Mark.
"Liar! You filthy little creature! Aaah!" I grabbed the girl from behind and began wrestling with her to take away the gun from her hands.
"Get away from here Mark!" I screamed as I realized how unusually strong this girl was. She also has a much larger built than I have and if takes all effort for me to snatch away the pistol from her.
*Bang!
"P Vee!" I heard Mark screamed after the deafening sound of a firing pistol was heard. I fell hard on the ground toppled below Kana's crazy fan.
What can I really not do for love?
🖤🖤🖤
*sorry for the late update. I was again really busy this past few days. 😣