“Mima, please don’t make me leave you another voicemail! Why aren’t you talking to me? “ I listen to Jayne whine down my phone at me for about the twentieth time in the last fortnight. Why won’t she get the hint and leave me alone? And then I quickly realise if the boot was on the other foot I’d be calling her non stop too. Its not just her, pretty much Jack and Greta are the only human beings I’ve spoken too in the past fourteen days.
I just don’t have the strength to explain this to anyone, my mental health is taking a battering over these crazy dreams about a baby boy, when I close my eyes he comes to me with his dark curly hair and blue eyes. His childish giggles fill my ears when I try to sleep. It’s almost as if he’s the ghost of all lost dreams and possibilities, except babies were never my dream and that’s why I don’t understand my reaction to this I mulled over to myself.
I feel down and my Doctor tells me it’s normal to feel this fatigue when caring for a loved one with all of Jack’s limitations and increasing problems, the recent changes to his life such as catheters for peeing and now a colostomy bag had hit us both hard, he was embarrassed by my help in that area before and now he was doubly embarrassed by my having to clean and change it. I tried to make light of it but I wasn’t feeling particularly light myself. I felt burdened and I didn’t like it at all and because I felt burdened I also felt guilty. I just wished Jack’s family were here to help take care of him that I wasn’t so alone, that maybe some more of our old friends got involved.
My heart misses Marshall and the comfort and fun he used to bring to me but even that’s ruined and overshadowed by the cruel things we said to one another. Could we ever recover from that and would he ever want too!
I’d never wanted children but the thought of a baby growing inside of me made me suddenly want it for just the smallest of moments. It was a challenge just to get out of bed in the morning at the moment and I couldn’t eat either. In summary I was a completely depressed mess of a woman, that’s how I was diagnosing myself in this self pitying rabbit hole I was buried deep in anyway.
I sit up in bed and look at myself naked in front of a full length mirror, my eyes tracing over the scars covering my upper body, closing my eyes, I blinked rapidly and tried to get rid of the erotic image saved In my head of Marshall nibbling his way gently along the thicker one that saved my life. I thought he was going to save me but I’d realised pretty soon that I couldn’t just ask him to wait around for me, it could be years, that would never be fair to ask of him and I didn’t want to even think about Jack dying, I wasn’t ready for that and the very thought terrified me.
I’m so lost in my dark thoughts that Jack is even able to sneak up on me in his chair “Jazzy, you ever leaving the house again?” groaning I turn my body away from him not wanting to get into this with him “Greta says you didn’t go out last week, it’s Wednesday again and you’re still in bed!” he’s being totally lighthearted about it but I can sense the burning questions that he’s not asking me.
“Jazz you haven’t been yourself the past couple of weeks, what happened? I’m not used to being the happy one in this relationship” he sounds genuinely worried about me and I know that because he’s trying to be funny.
“I’m okay Jack, just feeling a bit tired that’s all” I mumble to the wall in front of me hoping he takes the hint and moves away from me, making a mental note to speak to Greta later. Its none of her business what I do.
But the sound of the wheelchair moving closer signals he’s not giving up “I know it’s kind of awkward for us to talk about but have you and Marshall fallen out?”
Awesome this was just the chat I didn’t want to happen but I owe him the truth and I’ve never kept him in the dark before.
“Or is it Jayne, she keeps calling and asking why you won’t return her calls” I sigh loudly, accepting my fate and the fact I’m not getting out of this conversation without participating a bit at least.
“My period was late, I thought I was pregnant but I’m not so panic over” I say it quickly, ripping off the band aid before flopping back down on the bed totally ignoring the panic stricken look on Jack’s face.
“He didn’t take it well then?” that’s the understatement of the century, I’m pretty sure if that test had come back positive Marshall would have dragged me to the nearest clinic in a heartbeat. I think carefully before I answer because I can actually in my rational mind understand why Marshall was so upset with the whole situation.
“Neither of us were really, we both said some things and hurt one another and I haven’t spoken to him since, he probably wouldn’t want too anyway” this is just too weird discussing my lover with my husband, I let out an hysterical giggle and slap my hand over my mouth pretty quickly trying to stop myself from erupting into full on crazy laughter. Looking over at Jack I see him smirking at me, thank god he doesn’t look mad at me “Look Jazz, a baby would not have been ideal but if he had wanted nothing to do with it, you know I would have supported you in anyway I could if you’d wanted to keep it. Its not what we ever planned but as we both know all too well, plans change at the drop of a hat”
Sitting up I smile at him, I love him so much “You mean everything to me Jack” he grins and looks like the man I married for a fleeting moment.
“And you to me! Listen I pushed you into the arms of another man, granted I didn’t think it would be his particular arms, but you’ve been so much happier, yourself again almost. So I’m happy for you and I’m realistic enough to know that eventually there’ll be feelings between you two” his good humor dives a little and I panic inside “I will never leave you Jack, I mean it” he nods at me, his cheeks burning red. “I know and I also just want to acknowledge the declines in my health recently, I know its small things, like the shit bag and the Kidney issues. I know my breathing isn’t getting any better. It’s hard enough for me to cope with but you keep me going baby, you keep me here and if you should ever need a break then just say so Jazz and we will work something out I promise” my husband melts my heart and I want nothing more than a hug from him right now.
“I don’t want a break from you, I don’t need it” I start crying because I’m lying to him for the first time ever, I do need a break. I launch my naked body onto his bony lap in his chair and wrap my arms around his neck carefully and snivel against his chest for awhile, relishing the contact with him and the still, quietness, till its disturbed by an email pinging through on the tablet attached to his chair, I sniff as I watch him open it by blowing two short breaths into the tube attached to it “Who’s Paul Rosenburg?” he asks sounding confused. “That’s Marshall manager, I spoke to him a few weeks ago” what the hell is he doing emailing my husband “What does he want?” this is so weird.
“It’s a Christmas gift for me, he goes to great lengths to mention its nothing to do with Marshall” we both laugh but I’m also touched that Paul has reached out to Jack.
“Well, what kind of gift?”
“It’s the use of his private box at Ford field to watch the Lions play whenever I want. He says there’s elevators to use and my chair will go in the suite just fine. I just have to email his secretary and she’ll sort out everything for me! Fuck Jazz” he sounds so excited and if I ever see Paul again I will give that big dude the biggest kiss ever. Jack is giddy with the excitement, he loves the Lions. His excitement is contagious, I instantly feel much better inside. “I never met this guy and he’s giving me this? Did you meet him?”
“Yes, he made Marshall bring me to the studio, he wanted to make sure I wasn’t after Marshall’s money, he’s a pretty decent guy. I guess he just wanted to do something nice for you”
Jack is quiet for a minute staring at his prized email before looking up at me.
“Call him, one of you needs to make the first move. Just call him Jazzy” I nod gratefully at his suggestion and he’s right, one of us needs to reach out and apologize. I can let that be me this one time, if he answers the phone to me. I extract myself from Jack’s lap and throw a t shirt on.
“I’m going to email this Paul guy and thank him, invite Marshall over. I haven’t had the chance to thank him for a the wheels yet”
My eyes follow him out of the room, my mood much improved since my little wallow session earlier, my husband has made me feel hopeful once more. Could there ever be a time where Marshall and Jack could call one another friend! I shake my head at my silly thoughts and pick up my phone, my hand shaking as I tap in his number and holding my breath when I finally summon up the courage to press call. He doesn’t answer though and I consider ringing him again but nasty thoughts appear in my mind, what if I’ve been replaced already? What if he actually hates me and never wants to speak to me again?
I can feel the beginning of a panic attack, improved mood faltering, my breathing is shallow and fast. I’m sweating and my mind spins. My phone rings and my body calms down slightly at seeing his name appear on the screen.
“Hey” my greeting comes out as a whisper.
“Are you okay?” he sounds concerned at least.
“Not really, I wanted to apologise for scaring you with the baby thing. I said some mean things and I’m sorry” even if he doesn’t want to see me again I still owe him an apology and this will be closure I guess.
“Jasmin” his voice is soft and kind.
“Yes”
“I’m the one who needs to apologise and believe it or not I picked up the phone a million times this past fortnight and just couldn’t do it” He tails off quietly as if deep in thought as to why he couldn’t go through with his call.
“I guess I thought you’d hate me, I said some nasty things that I can’t ever take back” he sighs, apparently still not happy with his explanation.
“Marshall I can forgive you, if you can forgive me” I say quickly, just wanting this awkwardness over and done with really.
“Just like that?” he asks, I’m confused by the question but then he expands and suddenly it all becomes clear.
“You just forgive me? You’re not going to hold this over me for months and make me feel like shit!” I wish he could see the confused look on my face as I realise I’m now being lumped in together with the women who’ve come before me. Women who’ve obviously held onto whatever grudge they had with him.
“Life is too fucking short for that Marshall, now tell me you forgive me too and we can move on!” I laugh a little at the end, trying to lighten the mood and conversation.
“I forgive you too, I miss you Jas!” he sounds relieved and I’m over it, no need to mention it again as far as I’m concerned, pushing it to the furthest recesses of my mind, burying the hurt I’d felt because the truth was, I needed him.
“Have you eaten lunch yet?” I’m not sure how this idea is going to go across but while we’re both in a forgiving mood, I’ll make the suggestion.
“Because you could come over to my house for lunch if you wanted too?” the silence is deafening until he finally speaks “Jack’s out?”
“No he’s here! Was his suggestion believe it or not”
An hour later and I’m sat smiling at these two men in front of me arguing about some obscure Australian rapper from the nineties, I’m surprised Marshall has even heard of and then he and Jack get into it over Iggy Azalea. Maybe friends isn’t too much of a stretch after all.
They bicker back and forth for ages, Marshall is very animated while Jack grins the entire time. I think he fully understands how much this woman’s name would wind Marshall up. I’m quite entertained by it which is bizarre but I’m going to take it. My two favorite guys getting on after a fashion.
The day started off pretty shitty and now it’s odd but good. My mind keeps travelling back to the baby business but I shut those thoughts down as soon as they creep up on me. I’m ignoring them.
“Jazzy I’m tired” Jack calls out to me, it’s gotten late quickly and he looks tired. “K, let’s get you too bed then” Marshall stands up with us, straightening his t shirt and cap “I should get going too” I don’t want him to go, I just want to speak to him alone for a bit.
Jack stops his chair and turns it to look at Marshall “Don’t go, she won’t be long!” his eyes motion towards me and Marshall nods, sitting back down again. “Just no sex in the house though Marshall” Jack sounds adamant and Marshall looks embarrassed as hell and I bite my lip in attempt to stop myself laughing. Jack is pulling his leg, he knows me well enough to know I would never disrespect him like that.
After I’ve seen to Jack I head back out to find Marshall in my kitchen making coffee, he turns and hands me a mug and we stand there in my kitchen just silently regarding one another for what seems like hours but is in fact a minute or so. “Is a hug allowed?” he breaks the silence suddenly and I grin up at him “Only I don’t want to break any rules but I do want to touch you”. Stepping forward I place my mug on the counter top behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, pressing my body up against his. His body heat warms me and I relax in his arms. “Let’s try not to hurt one another again please” I beg of him and he murmurs something softly into my hair. I don’t know what he says but the tone of it is comforting.
Back To December
By
Taylor Swift