50
RAQUEL
New Year's
I'm sorry...
Forgive me...
I never meant to hurt you.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Asking for forgiveness can be so difficult, it requires maturity and courage. Admitting that you were wrong means facing yourself and facing the fact that you are not perfect and never will be, that you are capable of making mistakes like everyone else.
The worst mistakes are those that you can't erase, no matter when they apologize, no matter how much they do; those that leave a scar on your heart. Those that still hurt when you remember them.
New Year's Eve has an air, a way of making us sensitive, of making us reflect on everything we have done, what we have not done, the people we have affected in a good or bad way. I've been through so much this year, especially since the summer...; the last six months have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.
The clock shows 11:55pm and my eyes fill with tears, which I would like to say surprises me, but it does not. I have always cried when midnight approaches on New Year's Eve, whether out of sadness, joy, nostalgia or a combination of emotions that even I have not been able to decipher.
My mother puts her arm over my shoulder to hug me sideways, we are both sitting on the couch. We are at the house of her closest friend, Helena, who has a large family. We always spend New Year's Eve here. I guess my mother has never liked the idea of us spending it alone, and neither do I.
My mother caresses my arm, resting her chin on my head.
"One more year, baby."
"One more year, mom."
Helena appears in front of us, holding her three-year-old grandson in her arms.
"Come on, stand up, it's time for the count."
There are about fifteen people in this small room, the host on the TV screen starts counting backwards.
10...
Dani's laughter...
9...
The Carlos' foolishness...
8...
Yoshi's nerdy arguments...
7...
Apolo's innocence...
6...
My
5...
Ares' hurtful words...
4...
Ares' sweet words...
3...
His beautiful smile when he wakes up...
2...
The deep blue of his eyes...
1...
I love you, witch.
"Happy New Year!"
Everyone is shouting, hugging, celebrating, and I can't help but smile, even though thick tears are streaming down my cheeks. The unstable one has passed on his habits to me.
I miss him a lot. After Halloween, we've seen each other almost every day, but two weeks ago he told me that his family always spent Christmas and New Year's on an exotic beach in Greece, because apparently they have family there, and I couldn't help but tease him about the Greek gods going to Greece. Ares asked me over and over again if I wanted him to stay, how could I allow myself to take that time away from him with his family? I'm not that selfish.
My mother hugs me, bringing me back to reality.
"Happy New Year, beautiful! I love you so much."
I return the hug. Our relationship is still a bit broken, but we're working on it. Of course, I haven't told her yet that Ares and I were dating, one step at a time. Ares called me hours ago to wish me happy New Year, the time difference taking its toll.
After a few hugs, I sit on the couch. I have nothing to do... The reality of it takes me by surprise. After welcoming the year, Joshua would always come for me and we would go out and wish happy New Year all over the streets, with everyone awake and celebrating.
It hurts...
I can't deny it, Joshua has always been by my side, and this last month has been hard without him, because we have so many habits together. We used to go out to play in the snow on the first snowfall of the year, welcome the kids in scary costumes on Halloween, have marathons of our favorite series, buy different books so when we were done reading them we could exchange them, we had board game nights, horror stories and bonfires next to my house, we even set the yard on fire once and mom almost killed us.
I smile at the memory.
What am I doing?
I may not be able to trust him so easily, but I can forgive him; there is no room for grudge in my heart.
Without much thought, I grab my coat and follow my heart. I run out of Helena's house, the cold of the newly arrived winter hits me, but I run down the sidewalk, waving and wishing happy New Year to everyone I meet along the way. Christmas lights decorate the street, the trees in the gardens in front of the houses, there are children playing with their Christmas stars, others making snowballs to throw. The view is beautiful, and I realize that sometimes we are so focused on our problems that we don't see the beauty of simple things.
Hugging myself, I start walking faster, I can't run through the snow, I don't want to slip and break any bones, that would be pathetic. My foot gets buried in a pile of snow and I shake it off to continue, but when I look up I freeze.
Joshua.
With his long black coat, a black cap and his glasses slightly fogged by the cold. I say nothing and just run to him, forgetting the snow, the problems, the emotional scars, I just want to hug him.
And I do, running my hands around his neck, and pulling him tight against me. I smell the scent of that soft cologne he always wears, and it fills me and soothes me.
"Happy New Year, you idiot," I growled against his neck.
He laughs.
"Happy New Year, Rochi."
"I miss you so much," I murmur.
He presses me against his chest.
"I miss you too, you have no idea."
No.
That is not what happened.
No matter how much I wished that had happened, it wouldn't change the reality.
Reality is me running through the snow with tears on my cheeks, with no coat, and clutching my cell phone so tightly in my hand that it might break. My lungs burn from the cold air, but I don't care. My mother runs after me, yelling at me to calm down, to stop, to put on my coat, but I don't care.
I can't breathe.
I still remember how quickly my smile faded when I got the call, Joshua's mother sounded inconsolable.
"Joshua... attempted... suicide."
They didn't know if he was going to survive, his pulse was very weak.
No, no, no. Joshua, no.
Everything begins to flash before my eyes. What did I do wrong? Where did I fail? Why, Joshua? Guilt was the first feeling to fill my heart. It had never, ever crossed my mind that he could do something like this. He didn't look depressed, he didn't.... I...
Arriving at his house, the ambulance speeds past me, and I fall to my knees in the snow. Joshua's neighbors come over and put a coat over me. I clutch my chest, breathing heavily.
My mother hugs me from behind.
"It's okay, sweetie. It's okay, he will be okay."
"Mommy, I... It's my fault... I stopped talking to him... He..." I can't breathe, I can't stop crying.
The ride to the hospital in a taxi was silent, only my sobs were echoing throughout the car. With my head on my mother's lap, I pray, I pray that he survives; this is not supposed to have happened, this is a nightmare. My best friend couldn't have done that, my Yoshi....
Arriving at the emergency room, I run to Yoshi's parents, they look devastated, their eyes are swollen, pain is clear on their faces. As soon as they see me, they burst into tears; I join them, hugging them.
Wiping away my tears, I push away.
"What happened?"
His mother shakes her head.
"After receiving the New Year, he went to his room, after a while we called him many times, I thought he had fallen asleep and we went to see," her voice breaks, the pain is clear on her face. "He took so many pills, he was so pale. My baby," Her husband hugs her sideways. "My baby looked dead."
The agony, the pain reflected in their faces is so hard to see, I can feel the despair, the guilt there, hanging. Where did we fail? What didn't we see? Maybe everything or maybe nothing. Joshua may have given us signs or he may have given us nothing, but still this feeling of guilt, of failing him eats away at us.
Suicide...
An almost taboo word, that no one mentions, that no one likes to talk about, it is not pleasant, much less comfortable, but the reality is that it does happen, there are people who decide to end their lives. And it's important to talk about it. I always thought that it happened to other people, that it would never happen to someone close to me.
I never expected Joshua to do something like this.
Please, Joshua, don't die. I beg, closing my eyes, sitting in the waiting room. I'm here, I'll never leave, I promise, please don't go, Yoshi.
Minutes pass, hours, I lose track of time. The doctor comes out, with a face that makes my heart clench in my chest.
Please...
The doctor sighs.
"The boy was very lucky, we pumped his stomach, and he is very weak but stable."
Stable...
Relief invades my body, I feel emotionally devastated, and if it wasn't for my mother holding me up, I would have fallen to the ground again. The doctor talks about referring him to psychiatry and a lot of things, but I just want to see him, to make sure he's okay, that he's not going anywhere, to talk to him, to convince him to never do anything like that again, to apologize for pushing him away, for not trying to make things right between us.
Maybe if I had been... he wouldn't have....
Maybe.
The doctor tells us that Joshua will be unconscious for the rest of the night, that we can go rest and come back in the morning, but none of us move from there. My mother gets us a spare room to rest, as this is her job site and everyone knows and respects her, she is one of the oldest nurses in the place.
My mother caresses my hair as I rest my head on her lap.
"I told you he'd be okay, baby. It's going to be all right."
"I feel so guilty."
"It wasn't your fault, Raquel. Blaming yourself won't do you any good, now you just have to be there for him, to help him get through this."
"If I hadn't pushed him away, maybe...."
My mother interrupts me.
"Raquel, people with depression do not always show what they feel, they can be seen as happy even if they are not well. It is very difficult to help them if they don't ask for help, and for them sometimes asking for help makes no sense because life has lost meaning."
I don't say anything, I just stare at a window in the distance, I see snowflakes falling again. My mother caresses my cheek.
"Get some sleep, rest, it's been a hard night."
My eyes burn from crying so much, I close them to try to sleep a little, to forget, to forgive myself.
"You're going to fall!," a little Joshua yells at me from below. I'm in a tree, climbing it.
I stick out my tongue.
"You're just upset because you can't catch me."
Joshua crosses his arms.
"Of course not; besides, we said the trees were not allowed, you cheater."
"Cheater?" I throw a branch at him. He dodges it.
"Hey!" He gives me a murderous look. "Okay, truce, come down and we'll continue the game later."
Carefully, I climb down the tree, but, when I'm in front of it, Joshua touches me and runs away.
"Uuuuu! It's your turn to catch me."
"Hey, that's cheating."
He ignores me and keeps running, and I have no choice but to chase him.
A squeeze on my shoulders wakes me up, breaking that pleasant dream, full of games and innocence. My mother smiles at me with a coffee in her hand.
Caramel Macchiato.
My favorite.
It reminds me of Ares and that night, our first date at the hospital. I haven't dared to call him, to say anything to him, because I know he will come running and I don't want to ruin his New Year. I know that's the least of it right now, but I don't want to involve anyone else in this painful situation.
"He's awake; his parents have just come out to see him. Do you want to come in?"
My heart clenches, my chest burns.
"Yes."
"You can do it, Raquel."
My hand shakes on the door handle, but I turn it, opening the door and stepping inside. My eyes look at the floor, as I close the door behind me. When I look up, I cover my mouth to stifle the sobs coming from my body.
Joshua is lying on white sheets, an IV hooked up to his right arm, looking so pale and fragile he looks like he could break at any moment. His honey eyes meet mine and immediately fill with tears.
With big steps, I approach him and hug him.
"You idiot! I love you very, very much," I bury my face in his neck. "I'm so sorry, please forgive me."
When we separate, Joshua averts his gaze, wiping away the tears.
"I have nothing to forgive you for."
"Joshua, I..."
"I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel obligated to be by my side just because this happened."
"What are you...?"
"It was my decision, it has nothing to do with you or anyone else."
I step back, watching him, but he doesn't look at me.
"No, you're not going to do this."
"Do what?"
"Pushing me away from you," I state. "I'm not here out of obligation, I'm here because I love you so much, and yes, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you before to try to fix things, but before this happened I had already decided to look for you, I swear."
"I am not demanding anything from you."
"But I want to explain, I want you to know how much I have missed you, how much I care about you."
"So I won't try to commit suicide again?"
Where had that bitterness in his voice come from? That brashness and disinterest in life? Had it always been there?
I remembered my mother's words: life loses meaning for people with depression, nothing matters. Nothing matters to him anymore.
I approach him.
"Yoshi," I notice how he tenses at the mention of his nickname. "Look at me."
He shakes his head, and I take his face in my hands.
"Look at me!" his eyes meet mine and the emotions I see in them break my heart: despair, pain, loneliness, sadness, fear, lots of fear. Tears come to my eyes again. "I know it all seems meaningless now, but you are not alone, there are many people who love you and we are here to breathe for you when you need it," tears roll down my cheeks falling from my chin. "Please let us help you, I promise you this will pass and you will go back to enjoying life as that cheating kid I played with when I was little."
Joshua's lower lip shakes, there are tears escaping his eyes.
"I was so scared, Raquel."
He hugs me, burying his face in my chest as he cries like a child, and I can only cry with him.
He's going to be fine, I have no idea how to make him fall in love with life again, but I will breathe for him as many times as it takes.