Trigger warning for Abuse and Mentions of suicide
Carter's POV
My heart hammered in my chest as I stared up at Jax's dad. My back throbbed against the hard floor from his well-placed kick as I fought Jax to keep him from fronting.
His jaw clenched as he reached for his belt.
"Take off your shirt," he seethed out as he glared down at me.
My hands shook as they blindly followed his orders.
I pause only for a second to fight Jax harder for front but in that one second of hesitation, pain exploded in my cheek. My eyes begin to water as blood slowly began to seep through the inside of my cheek. I can't help but gag as the coppery flavor filled my mouth; I've always hated the way blood tasted.
"Take your shirt off," he seethed again, his anger only growing by the second.
Even though Jax was still fighting, I didn't hesitate this time.
My hands removed my shirt and let it fall to the floor.
I don't wait for his next order as I lifted myself off the floor and onto my knees. I turned so my back faced him as let my hands clenched on my thighs as I wait for his next move.
I force myself to blink back tears; the sound of his belt being removed filled the room. My head bent down as I allowed my eyes to fall shut.
His insults echo throughout the room but I don't pay attention to them as his belt buckle slapped against my back. I bite my lip to keep from making a sound while my hands tightened on my legs.
Jax finally stops fighting, leaving me to deal with the pain by myself.
Somewhere around the 20th lash, blood began pouring down my back. Normally he would stop now that I was bleeding but now he only hit harder, causing new scratches making even more blood seep out before falling to the ground.
Now he was 50 lashes in. Blood tickled my back as more and more began to pile up into a puddle that grew with every new lash.
I force my eyes open when I begin to sway. My head began to feel light as the pain began to increase.
It was times like this when I wondered if he would kill me one day and if this would be that day or if he would stop last minute.
If it weren't for Jax, I would have wished for death.
I hated this life.
I hated fighting. I hated Jax's dad. I hated being shoved into the back of Jax's mind every time he didn't need me. I hated dealing with all the bad parts Jax couldn't handle.
I hated this life but I knew I could never leave it.
Wherever I went, he would find me. I could move to a different state or even a different country but he would still be there waiting for me by the time I got there.
If it was just me, I would have already offed myself, just to end all of this. I had thought about it a few times already. How I would do it, when I would do it, if I would leave a note or not; but it wasn't just me.
Jax didn't deserve to die so I forced myself to take everything like it was nothing.
Somewhere around the 70th lash, my knees no longer supported me and I fell forward onto my chest. My world began to go black but his dad never stopped. Even my last few conscious seconds were filled with pain.
My eyes snapped open as Callum's hands quickly left my shoulders as he backed away. My heart was beating out of my chest; all I heard was the sound of blood rushing through my ears.
My hands reached up to cup my ears as I brought my knees to my chest while my eyes shut without me telling them to. My nails dug into my skin while my hands tried to silence the sound.
A gentle voice whispered but I forced myself to block it out as my teeth clenched.
I tried to force myself to take deep breaths but it wasn't working.
My chest began to feel hallow as I allowed myself to fall onto the bed before tightening up into a ball.
I hated this feeling.
I began to spiral when a hand touched my shoulder.
My eyes snapped open as my hand moved from my ear to the hand on me. I squeezed the hand before pulling it off of me and turning to face the person who had touched me.
Callum only sat there with a small smile, not even wincing when at the amount of force I put on his wrist.
"It's time to calm down," Liam whispered, making me snap over to him, still holding Callum's wrist.
Liam only sat there with a smile that matched Callum's as he stared at me.
"Do you want to watch a movie? Or go for a run? Maybe take it out on the punching bag?" I only shook my head as I leaned back onto the bed while letting go of Callum.
"Is there anything that would help," he asked after a little while longer. I shake my head again as I ball up.
Are you okay? Did something happen? Jax asked with a frown, clearly not understanding what had happened. I must be keeping the dream from him without meaning to but it was probably for the best. I doubt he even remembered what actually happened back then.
'It's fine,' I grumbled while my boyfriends continue to stare.
It doesn't take a genius to know you're lying, Kyra pointed out while Bram slept through everything.
I only ignored them as I continued to lay there.
"Talk to me babe, tell me how to help," Liam whispered as he inched a bit closer.
"I just want to lay here," I whispered as I felt myself going numb.
"Can we lay with you," Ryder asked hesitantly but kept himself seated at the foot of the bed.
I nod once as I turned to face Ryder and motioned for him to join me.
He moved slowly until he was lying face to face with me. I stare at him before pulling him into my chest, making his head rest in the crook of my neck. He smiled against my skin as Callum hugged me from behind while Liam settled for straddling Callum.
"Do you want to talk about it," Callum asked sadly as he began rubbing my hair but I only shook my head. "I didn't think so, but I wanted to make sure. Do you think you'll be able to go back to sleep?" I shake my head again. "You're starting to worry me darling. I need you to use your words."
"What do you want me to say?" I whispered as I pulled Ryder closer. His smile slowly turned into a frown as he hid his expression in my neck.
"You need to let it out," Liam said gently as he reached out to play with my back. "You don't have to tell us what happened but you at least need to tell us how you feel." I can't help but frown at that.
"I don't feel anything."
"Was it about Jax's dad," Ryder asked hesitantly but I only go back to nods and shakes of my head. "Did he hit you or was it something else?"
"Hit," I stated simply as I pulled him even closer. His back pop a few times so I forced myself to ease up a bit but it was only enough to keep me from breaking him.
"Was it something that actually happened or one that your mind just came up with? Or was it a it of both?"
"First one," I said, choosing to stick with simple answers, making Ryder frown but he only nodded.
"You're not still with him," Liam said as if it wasn't painfully obvious. "He's not here to see you. You're allowed to break down now."
His words made my chest tighten as I clenched my teeth again.
Tears began to build up in my eyes without a warning before they spilled over and fell onto Ryder's neck. My chest began to heave as I bit my lip to keep quiet.
"That's it," Callum praised as his hand continued to play with my hair. "Let it out. Tell us all about it."
I was soon sobbing into Ryder's neck while Liam and Callum's praise filled the room. Callum's arms tightened as he whispered into my ear. Liam only sat there as I continued to cry but I didn't mind, I actually preferred it this way.
"I wanted to die," I admitted as I tried to blink my tears away while I slowly began going numb again. Callum's hand tightened for a split second before continuing to play. "I wanted to kill myself just so I could get it over with. I was tired of fighting everything that breathed for Jax's sake. I was tired of taking his beating in silence. I was tired of existing. If I had been the only one in this body, I would have done it but I didn't want Jax to die like that. He deserved better than that."
"You say that as if you didn't," Liam pointed out with a deep frown.
"Because I didn't. I'm the protector. I was doing my job so the system could work smoothly. I should have been able to take all that and more but I was weak."
"You weren't weak Carter, you were human."
"Liam's right. Any one else in your shoes would have felt the same way, no one should have to be put through that."
"Jax didn't feel like that," I pointed out as I sniffed.
That's because I had a protector to look after me. I'm sure if hadn't been there I would have felt the same way.
"I glad you didn't do it," Ryder says after a while of all of us being quiet. "You and Jax make us whole again. I don't want to think about what would have happened if we had never met you two."
I only hum as I pulled him closer.
"I think you should tell Andrew about this," Callum said a few seconds later. "He could help."
"He's just going to make it into a it deal," I said as I shook my head.
"Do you still feel like that sometimes," Liam asked hesitantly but I was immediately shaking my head.
Liar, Jax huffed.
"I felt like that a lot when I fist came to camp," he admitted sadly. "I hated life without Jem and the others. I was paranoid. I constantly thought about if someone from a rival gang would be in camp and was ready to kill me. I worried about if Jem was okay and if he had remembered to eat dinner every night. He and I had pretty much been attached at the hip since I was 12 and then all of sudden he was gone and I didn't know what to do without him. Before, Jem was the only reason I was still alive; I would have starved to death if he hadn't come along. But when he sent me away I thought he hated me and that only made everything worse.
"Andrew caught on pretty quickly to my habits and symptoms and was able to help. He screened me for anxiety first then for depression. Then when they both came out to be positive, he helped me work though it. It was hard at first because I didn't want to listen to him but after I accepted that I need him, he did exactly what he said he would. He can only help if you let him."
I frown at his lecture.
I didn't want Andrew to know about half the stuff he already knew, let alone the things I had been keeping to myself. If I told him the rest of it, he would probably send me to a mental institution and if that was anything like camp, I don't think I could make it through that.
"Or if you don't want to tell Andrew anything, maybe you could try that new therapist that you see now? That might be easier since you don't know him as well. It's easier to admit things like that to a stranger."
"I'll think about it," I mumbled just to get them to leave me alone about it.
"That's all we ask for," Callum hummed as placed a kiss to the nape of my neck. "Are you still sure that you can't go back to sleep?"
"I don't think so," I admitted sadly but I didn't want to get up either and run like I usually would.
"What would help then," Ryder asked hopefully as he glanced up at me.
"Do you know where you put Jax's radio that you got him for Christmas?" Ryder only nodded. I should have known he did considering he did almost all of the unpacking. "I think that would help, at least a little bit."
He nodded again as he wiggled out of my arms before rummaging through the closet and coming back only a few seconds later with the radio in hand. I watched every move he made as he plugged in the machine and tuned it until he found a station he liked.
The second music filled the air I could feel Jax and me relax; especially when Ryder snuggled back into my side.
"I like this one a lot," he admitted. "It's from a musically. I saw it once with my mom a while back. I didn't really like it back then but now that I'm older I love everything about it." I only hummed as I listened to the tune and music rather than the lyrics.
Song after song went on and as time passed my eyes began to slowly close until I was finally able to slip back off to sleep.
Does anyone actaully like the Q&A's I do on insta, and if you do, would it be fun if we did that like once or twice a week? If that sounds fun to you let me know and if you want follow my insta that is purely made for wattpad it's: emmaroseherondale24 it's a private account and it has my old PFP on it.
Last updated July 19, 2021