Everything was aching. Everything felt like pitch black. When I slowly open my eyes, I felt like my body has been hit by a lighting by the sudden urges of pain all through out my body.
"Oh my god!" I couldn't even comprehend the noises around me. A screeching sound passed through my ears as the white light tries to penetrate my eyes. Everything is aching, still. Pakiramdam ko ay parang sasabog ang ulo ko dahil sa biglaang sakit na naramdaman ng ulo ko.
"Anak! Monique, how do you feel? Aryanna please call the doctor!" Nang unti-unti kong makita ng tuluyan ang nasa harapan ko, my mother's exhausted face was there. Her bloostain eyes and flushed cheeks where all over my view. Muli kong ipinikit ulit ang mata ng maramdaman ang nakakabalisang sakit sa ulo at katawan. The pain is becoming unbearable every seconds that past.
I want to speak and asked what happened but the dryness in my throat kept my mouth shut until a man in a white coat enter the room. Doon ko lamang napansin si Annica na nakatayo sa gilid, she also looks sleep-deprived like everyone else in the room. My father is holding my mother. Kasunod namang pumasok si Aryanna ng doctor at isang nurse.
All of them look so lost while staring at me laying in this bed. The doctor conducted some routational checkings on me. Naramdaman kong hinaplos niya ang banda ng aking tiyan kung saan nanggaling ang halo-halong sakit na nararamdaman. I want to vomit because of the nauseous pain but the dehydration in my throat stop everything else. I couldn't even speak nor make a sound.
"Monique is in a better condition now compared to how everything went two weeks ago. I'll just prescribe some antibiotics for her wounds and a couple of days for monitoring in this hospital." Iyon lamang ang naintindihan ko sa sinabi noong doktor.
Suddenly everything came flashing back at me. Our ride in his motorcycle, our conversation outside the bar, his hands protecting me from something and then his body laying on the cold hard ground. Para akong tinakasan ng dugo ng maalala ang lahat ng nangyari ng gabing iyon. I help myself to sit but my body wont move. The excruciating pain escalated through my veins, making me paralyse on this bed. Nagpakawala ako ng isang daing dahil sa naramdamang sakit. Agad naman akong dinaluhan ng ina at tinulungan na makabalik sa pagkakahiga.
Ang mukha ni Rahim na galit, ang mukha niya na puno ng dugo. Ang wasak na kotse. Ang dugo sa kalsada.
Vico being put in a death bag.
"W-Where.....R-Rahim?" I couldn't even properly say his name. Parang may libo-libong patalim ang tumatarak sa dibdib ko dahil sa sakit na naramdaman noon nang banggitin ko ang pangalan niya. All of them look mad and frustrated just by his name. Inilibot ko pa ang paningin ko sa buong kwarto para hanapin ang bulto niya ngunit kahit yata anino niya ay hindi ko maaninag. Is he okay? Did something bad happened to him?
I don't know what happened after I passed out. Everything is blurred in my mind right after the accident. I just remember the cold feeling of being afraid of death and knowing that Vico died. Please, tell me that isn't true!!!
"Anak, you need to rest first, okay?"
"Tita..." I sweep my eyes towards Aryanna pero agad siyang natigil ng makita akong nakatitig sa kanya. Aryanna's face is painted with disappointment and hatred. I can see how she sighed heavily just so she could control her emotions. My mother suddenly started crying. Agad siyang inalo ng ama as she continue to sobbed louder each second. My mother kept murmuring something habang ang ama ay pilit na pinapakalma siya. When I met my father's gaze, I sense that they are trying to stop themselves to tell me something. Anong nangyari?! Asan si Rahim!?
"A-Arya... w-where's... R-Rahim?" pag-uulit ko ng tanong ngunit iniiwas lang ni Aryanna ang tingin niya sa akin. The sudden tightening of my chest pushes my guts to feel that there is something wrong. That they are hiding something to me. Nang ilipat ko ang tingin kay Annica ay mas lalong nagdilim ang kanyang mukha. She's obviously mad, she might just go berserk any moment because of how dark her aura is. Nakaramdam man ako ng takot sa kanya ay tinawag ko pa rin ang pangalan niya. I need someone to tell me where Rahim is!
"A-Annica?"
"He flew back to the US, Monique." parang may kung anong humapas sa akin ng sabihin iyon ni Annica. Hindi ko napigilan ang mapapatitig sa galit niyang mata na diretsong nakatingin sa akin. Her straight face looked at me with such disappointment and pain in her eyes. Aryanna started sniffing kaya naman mas lalo kong nakumpirma na hindi nagbibiro si Annica.
"H-He flew b-back?" the crack in my voice makes me cry because of the sudden pain inside me. I can feel my airways compressing, ang hirap sa paghinga ang mas lalong nagpadaloy sa luha ko. I felt like drowning because of the sudden devastating feeling inside of me. He was gone? He left me? Here? Like this?
"That fucking jerk." narinig kong bulong ni Annica sa hangin bago punasan ang luhang tumulo sa mga mata niya. Puno ng galit ang mga mata niya at halatang kinikimkim sa sarili ang pighating nadarama.
"Is he o-okay? A-Ayos lang ba s-siya?" My tears heated my eyes and held my throat tight. I want to scream in pain both physically and emotionally. May parte sa aking gustong magalit pero nanaig ang pag-aalala ko sa kanya. Why? Why did he leave me like this?
"For fuck's sake, Monique! That fucking guy left you even when he's not sure whether you'll live or die! I will fucking kill him!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang luha ng makitang umiiyak na si Nica sa galit. Aryanna held her and tried to calm her down pero mas lalo lang yatang lumakas ang hagulgol niya. Aryanna cried with her at parehas silang napaupo sa couch. Annica's cries screams pain and agony, na mas lalong nagpalakas sa iyak ko.
Both my mother and father display the disappoinment and pain in their exhausted faces. Ang iling ni Aryanna sa akin ang mas lalong nagpalubog ng puso ko. Hindi maipaliwanag ng puso ko ang nararamdaman. I feel so numb just by looking at them, crying my eyes out. Hindi ko alam kung anong unang iisipin, si Rahim ba na umalis ng bansa, si Vico o ang sarili ko.
"S-Si V-Vico? H-He's not dead. r-right?" Mas lalong lumakas ang hagulgol ni Annica ng marinig ang pangalan ni Vico. My mother hold my father as if her life depends on it. Ang mahinang iyak ni Aryanna at ang buntong hininga ng aking ama. Doon na tuluyang umalpas ang basag kong boses sa isang hagulgol. Why does my life shattered like this in a short amount of time?
I didn't get an answer. I didn't get a yes... but deep inside I knew that it's true. Deep inside of me, I know and saw with my own two eyes how lifeless he is as he lay on the cold ground. I can still hear the cries of his mom in the back of my head. Hindi ko lang magawang paniwalaan! Hindi ko kayang tanggapin.
One moment, Vico was smiling shyly at me! The next thing I know he is dead! How can He be this cruel to me in this lifetime?!
I let out a loud sob followed by a painful one. My throat feels like burning, my brain feels like exploding. Everything becomes hypersensistive. The light hurts my eyes, the tears that flows burns my skin, my cries hurt my being. Randam na ramdam ko ang paninikip ng dibdib habang naalala ang huling sandali na kasama ko si Vico. The motor ride, the small smiles, the way he divert his gaze away from me and even his proud face.
Now... now he's dead... why does it have to be like this?
Why didn't I just die instead of him?!
I held my lips together, trying to get the proper breathe of air, pero parang mas lalo akong nahihirapang huminga. The sudden flashes of Vico's faces inside my head is mentally killing me. The thought of Rahim running away and leaving like a bubble, exhaust the energy out of my body! Kanino ako kakapit sa panahong ganito?! Pagod na pagod na ako!
"Aryanna! Call the doctor! Please!" I felt like gasping for air. Something is blocking my breathing. I can hear them panic right in front of me pero wala akong magawa. My whole existence is hurting inside and out. I can feel the deadly pain in my abdomen, the piercing knife in my chest, the thought of Rahim leaving and the death of Vico.
I saw a couple of nurse rushes inside my room. But the panic and hysteria get the best of me. I can feel my throat swelling because of the nonstop crying and yelling that I did. I can feel my face getting completely wet by the tears that I make. But it doesn't even take away a bit of the pain that I'm feeling! I'm still hurting!
I don't know what to do! I just want everything to stop! I just want everything to stop already!
Days has passed and the news about Vico's death filled the news and the internet. There were a lot of speculations about the accident. The shattered red car behind our vehicle is one of the primary evidence about reckless driving. Though they cannot trace still who it belongs too, they are pointing that the primary suspect is the owner. Isang kuha sa CCTV ang nagpakita kung paano nag-accelerate iyong sasakyan sa likod namin at sabayan siya ng motor ni Vico. In just a blink of an eye, it hit the back of Rahim's car, making it lost control and crash to a nearby post. Because of the accident, the red car also collided with Vico's vechicle causing his death.
Madaming tao ang nagpadala ng mensahe sa akin. Some of my classmates also reach my social media and tried to get in touch with me. Pero si Aisha lamang ang nakuha kong sagutin dahil sa nangyari. She was so shocked of what happened and even blamed herself. Wala naman siyang kasalanan sa nangyari and I don't want her to burden herself with the things like this that are out of our control.
Ilang araw na ang lumipas ngunit hindi ko pa rin alam ang dapat maramdaman. Kadalasan ay natutulala lamang ako sa silid ko. Napagod na yata ako sa kakaiyak dahil naubos na ang luha sa mata ko. I cannot identify whether I'm angry, mournful or even grieving. I feel empty. it's like I'm just in the middle of oblivion.
I tried contacting Rahim but it seems like he blocked me on all the means to communicate him. Pati ang kanyang ina at kapatid ay hindi ko na rin ma-contact sa social media nila. It really proved that he left me, without even batting an eye. Umalis siya ng walang paalam, tila tumatakbo papalayo sa responsibilidad sa nangyaring aksident.
I heard that some stories blamed me and Rahim. Dahil mabilis ang pagpapatakbo ng kotse noong nabangga kami. Buti na lang at may CCTV para magpatunay na it was not our car that smashed Vico's motor. Ngunit hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring balita kung sino ang may-ari ng sasakyan na iyon.
Kahit pa halos ilang buwan na ang lumipas, I still feel lost. Nanumbalik na ang maayos kong kalagayan but I feel like something is wrong with me inside. I'm safe and under monitoring after the accident but I feel like a cancerous cell leeches in every part of my body and slowly killing me. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. I spent hours in bed thinking of why did this happen to me. What did I do to deserve to be here in this place?
"Monique?" I notice Annica and Aryanna coming inside my room. May dala-dalang mga prutas si Aryanna. Habang si Annica naman ay dala-dala ang bag na may mga damit ko.
Annica has been quite and mad about what happaned. Damang-dama ko ang galit niya noong mga nakalipas na araw. I felt like she will bring this to the grave because of how cold she is with me. Aryanna once told me that she's not directly mad at me but of what happened. Especially with Rahim, because he just disappeared without even a single word. Annica was so mad that he even bypassed Rahim's account at nakita niya ang record ng ticket na nabili nito papunta ng US. After that, everything got deleted na mas lalong nagpagalit kay Nica.
My parents were so concerned on how Rahim is kaya agad nila din itong pinuntahan sa kwarto niya. Butt they found the room that he's in empty. One of the nurse and doctor that attend to him told them that guardian filed an immediate transfer for the patient. My mother was worried at first and try contacting him pero nang ilang araw na ang nakalipas at walang sumasagot ay alam na nilang umalis si Rahim without even telling everyone. At mukhang tanggap na iyon ng mga magulang ko ngayon. They didn't even say a word about it, which I'm grateful dahil sa tuwing naalala ko si Rahim o si Vico pakiramdam ko ay guguho na naman ako ng wala sa oras.
"You'll be discharge tomorrow. Kamusta ka naman?" Nag-alalang tanong ni Aryanna. She help me sit on the bed. Ang matinding sakit sa aking tiyan sa tuwing gagalaw ako ay andoon pa rin kahit pa halos tatlong linggo na akong nasa hospital. Tipid akong ngumiti sa kanya. Annica just sighed on the side and settle herself in the couch.
"Arya, how's Vico's family?" mahina kong tanong sa kanya. Nagkatinginan si Annica at Aryanna dahil sa tanong ko. She sigh heavily before settling at the side of my bed. Si Annica naman ay napaayos ng upo at hinayaan nang si Aryanna ang mag-explain sa amin. Aryanna's face shows uncertainty and even the hesitation to tell me what's happened. I looked at her directly in her eyes to tell her that I want to know. I don't want to feel dumb inside this four-corner room.
"They were mad and in pain, of course. But his mother never blamed you, Monique. It was clear that the red vehicle was at fault. Wala kang kasalanan sa nangyari. So don't even think, even just one bit, that it is your fault." She stated in her calm voice while looking at me directly. Inabot ang isang kamay ko at marahang pinisil iyon. Pakiramam ko ay may mainit na bagay ang humaplos sa puso ko ng mairnig ko ang sinabi niya. I want to thank the both of them for being strong despite how unfortunate my life is.
When I was shattered almost 4 years ago, they were there with me. Ngayon ay naulit na naman iyon, they are still with me. No matter how devastating my life is, they will be with me. Above everyone else.
"Did they caught the guy who did it?"
"The car was illegally imported here so it was unregistered. There were no clues aside from the CCTV and the red car. The forensics ran a thorough investigation and tried to find samples of DNA extracts from the scene." Pakiramdam ko ay mas lalo akong nanlumo. No one knew who did it. Even after this time, wala man lang progreso ang hustisya sa bansang ito? Mapait akong napangiti sa aking sarili.
Sino nga naman ba ang niloloko ko? Four years ago, I didn't even get the same justice that I seek. Time passed and there is still no improvement. Wala na nga talagang pag-asa ang moralidad ng bansa. Nakakagalit!
How can a human being be that cruel and merciless? Wala ba siyang konsensiya?! I hope that their souls rot in the viscous flames in hell!
Mariin akong napapikit sa sinabi ni Aryanna. I look at the both of them and sigh in exhaustion. Pagod na pagod na ang katawan ko sa mga nangyayari. Yet, there were no progress with the investigation. I can imagine and sympathize towards the family of Vico because of what happened.
"Arya? You think I can talk to his mother?" I said out unconsciouly. Napabaling agad sa akin si Aryanna dahil sa sinabi. Maging si Annica ay napailing na lamang.
"Just give them time to heal. Kailangan mo rin munang magpagaling, Monique." Hindi na ako sumagot pa ng sabihin iyon ni Arya. Hindi ko na nagawang umalma pa dahil alam ko namang parehas silang tama. I should give both of his parents that time they need to heal. I might just trigger there emotions, knowing that I was involved in the accident where their son died.
Malayo kong tinanaw ang langit na kulay kahel sa mula sa bintana ng kwarto ko. I bit the side of my cheek to refrain myself from getting frustrated again and again. My life is just so mess up. When I think everything is going on my way, it just flipped in a second and I could never go back to those days. The days I have with Rahim, the fleeting moments and feelings I have for him, the unraveling comforts that he brings and the love that we had built. Lahat iyon nawala sa isang iglap.
Ni hindi ko man lang nakita ang kalagayan niya bago siya mawala. Ni hindi ko man lang natanong kung ayos lang siya. I should have just stayed home that night! I should never had gone out. If that was my decision, this wouldn't happen. None of this will!
Hindi ko maiwasan na sisihin ang sarili sa lahat ng nangyari. I couldn't help but think of scenarios that may have stop the accident. All the 'what if's and 'if I should had just's where lingering in my head nonstop. Hindi ko na maibabalik ang panahon at ang buhay na nawala. And I'm stuck here, without the power to do anything.
How do we live? When the world always shattered everything that you continuously built over the years. Ganito ba talaga ang sirkulo ng buhay, na kapag nakita at nadama mo na ang rurok ng kasiyahan ay bigla kang hihilahin at ibabagsak ng walang dahilan. I didn't even see it coming, it just an ordinary night. Yet, it was all destroyed by just one ordinary night.
Now, I'm back to nothing. Here I am again, regreting my decisions and mourning for the dead.
When will this cancerous cycle of mine end? Pagod na pagod na akong masaktan at maubos ng paulit-ulit sa mga bagay at nangyayari sa buhay ko na hindi ko naman kontrolado. Pagod na kong maipit sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman kayang kontrolin pero pilit na pumapasok at sinisira ang buhay ko. Mga sirkumstansyang walang pasabi, mga aksidenteng hindi naman pumasok sa aking isip at maging ang pagkabigo habang randam ko pa ang saya sa puso ko.
I'm just really tired.
When I was discharge from the hospital, I wasn't able to go back to school. Beside from the fact that I cannot, especially on the first months of my recoveries, I never want to go back to school too. The whole place will remind me of either Rahim and Vico. Bawat sulok ng school ay sila at sila lang maalala ko. Tuwing naalala ko ang imahe nilang dalawa ay para akong tinatakasan ng lakas. Kaya't hanggat maaga pa ay sinabi ko na iyon sa mga magulang ko. They said yes and understand immediately why I ended up with that kind of decision.
My mother also informed me that Rahim's apartment has been empty. Karamihan ng gamit at damit niya ay wala na roon. The only things that were merely left there are my things at mga alala namin. I never had the guts to go there myself kaay't pinakuha ko na lamang sa aking ina ang mga gamit ko. My mother went home crying that day. Maski ako ay hindi ko rin kakayanin kung ako mismo ang kukuha noon. I can imagine myself breakingdown already just by the thought of it. Hindi kaya ng sistema ko ang isa pang breakdown sa lahat ng mga nangyari. I couldn't bare to stimulate my emotions because I feel empty enough already.
In my recovery stage, we discovered that the lining of my uterus was damages because of the accident. Later on, I undergo another surgery and discovered that they have to removed one of my ovaries. I didn't know what to feel at those dark times. I just remember how painful it is. Lalo pa ng ibalita sa akin ng mataas ang tsansa na hindi ako magkaanak. The scarring in my uterine can disrupt the implantation.
All of the sudden, my whole dreams disappearing right in front of my eyes.
My dream of being a pediatric surgeon, to feel the oozing and surreal feeling of being a parent, and the underlaying love that can be found in a family.
Nang sabihin ng doktor sa akin iyon ay wala lamang akong nagawa kundi umiyak. Now, even the future that I tried so hard to built was robbed from me. I can remember myself crying myself to sleep with the thought that I cannot handle taking pediatrics for my fellowship and seeing kids around me with this condition.
I want to have... a baby.
Because of all the things that happened, my pain and grief took the time away so easily. All of the treatments I needed in order to go back to how my body works, my mindful thoughts and to control my emotion took over how my life works.
Those months, I know that I lived with emptiness in me. I know that I was merely existing. That my physical being was just cohabitating the space in this world but my soul cannot be found. I can't even remember how I survived the days that passed by with all that is happening with me. Ubos na ubos ako matapos ang lahat ni hindi ko na maisip pa ang maari kong magawa sa mundong ito.
"Monique, she's here." Napa-ayos ako ng upo ng marinig iyong sabihin ni mama. I look at her with fear and guilt in my face kaya naman agad niya akong binigyan ng isang assurance sa pamamagitan ng pagngiti sa akin. Marahan akong huminga ng malalim bago hinawakan ang earlobe dahil sa kaba.
I decided to meet Vico's mother. After a long anticipation, back and fronts, and doubts with this decision ay dumating din ako sa puntong andito na ako. I just want to tell her how I feel. I want to personally apologize for what happen. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya how great Vico is and he doesn't deserve what happen to him. That I won't stop until I give justice to his death, to both of their deaths.
A lot of people risked their life in order for me to be alive to day, and I just want to give them the justice that is long-overdue. Hindi ako makakapayag na mamatay ako ng hindi naibibigay sa kanila ang katarungang kailangan nila.
"Monique." her angelic voice feels like caressing my heart. Dahan-dahan kong iniangat ang aking ulo at nakita ko agad ang maamong mukha ng kanyang ina.
She was lovely in her white formal attire. Halatang galing siya sa ospital dahil nasa braso niya pa ang lab coat niya. Her eyes looked at me with sense of familiarity kaya naman alam kong kilala niya na ako. Vico is so differtent from her. Her eyes are soft, her movement are so gentle and her face screams humbleness within.
"Good morning po, maam." I said with a hint of nervousness in my voice. Nabuhay sa aking dibdib ang kaba at pagkahiya dahil sa mga nangyari. I look at her and she smile weakly at me.
"Vico is right about you." Panimula niya kaya naman agad akong napatingin sa kanyang gawi ng diretso dahil sa sinabi. Ang paghagod ng maamo niyang mata sa akin ang mas lalong nagpabilis ng tibok ng aking puso.
"You really are angelic, Monique. You can call me tita. I was really looking forward on meeting you back then." She said in a very soothing voice at naupo na sa harapan ko. I smile shyly at her.
"I just want to... um personally apologized--"
"Hija, it is not your fault. There is nothing to apologized."
"Pero it wouldn't happened if Vico didn't followed me--"
"Vico's feelings for you was unmeasurable. Bilang isang ina I have already noticed it before. He talked of you highly and followed you wherever you go. I once thought that sports was his thing, but when he discover that you've be in the med field. He just finds himself in that field also."
Natahimik ako sa sinabi ng kanyang ina. I look at her teary eyes at naramdaman ang kirot sa aking puso dahil sa sinabi niya. I never knew this...
I was always with him for months yet I never even asked him when did his feelings for me started. I actually don't want to talk about it thinking that I may put him in an awkward position. I never intended to shatter the friendship that we had. We just completely sit in complete silence.
"Vico was a great man." I said in a small voice.
"He was indeed a great man, nakuha niya iyon sa kanyang ama." She smiled at me bago inabot ang kamay ko. Her touch is warm. Marahan niyang pinisil ang aking kamay at binigyan ako ng assurance gamit ang mga mata niya. Parang mas lalong nanikip ang dibdib ko dahil sa kanyang ginawa. I couldn't help but get teary eyed because of her actions. She is so good.
"Vico told me a lot about you. I can remember him saying that he sees you similar to me. Siguro ay parehas tayong mahinahon sa halos lahat ng pagkakataon. I hope wherever he is now, he is happy of what you'll become in the future."
"I'm so sorry po." Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang pag-alpas ng luha sa aking mata dahil sa sinabi ng kanyang ina. Mas lalong humigpit ang pagkakakapit niya sa aking kamay nang makitang umiiyak na rin ako.
"I know that Vico did it for a reason. I know that he just want to assure your safety. It was worth it because you're alive." Ang hagulgol ko ay mas lalong lumakas dahil sa kanyang sinabi. I know she is saying it to make me feel that it was not my fault. But with everyword that she says mas lalo ko lang nararamdaman ang pagsisisi. Mas lalo akong nasasaktan dahil sa ideyang handang gawin ni Vico lahat para mapanatili ang kaligtasan ko.
He was really a great man.
"We should meet often. My husband wants to meet you as well. Please do continue your studies, hija. I heard from your mom what happened and I do wish that when you recover fully, continue on pursuing to be a doctor. If you need any help, just ask me okay. I want to help you." marahan akong tumango sa kanya habang pinupunasan ang aking mga luha. I look at her with a small smile in my face.
Vico, your parents are amazing.
"Maraming salamat po, tita." Isang malambing na ngiti ang sinukli niya sa akin nang sabihin ko iyon.
We stayed there for a couple of hours talking. She volunteered to help me with my studies and even recommend me a school in Espana for med school. Sinabi niya na hindi naman masama kung uulitin ko ang first year ko dahil hindi naman karera ang pag-aaral. Its okay to take the time that I need. She also promised me to invite me to dinner with her husband and she would tell me all of the sotries Vico had told her about me.
I felt like I found a safe place in her mother presence. Kitang-kita ko ang gentleness sa kanyang ina. I'm sure that Vico had his gentle side from his mother. Ang tahimik at mahinhin na parte niyang kadalasan ay ako lamang ang nakakakita.
After talking with her mother, I found the solitude and peace of mind that I need. It was such a great help in unloading all the heaviness inside my chest. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang kabaitang ipinakita ng kanyang mga magulang sa akin. Her mother guided me back to the path of medicine.
And when the new school year arrived at pinayagan na ako ng doktor na bumalik sa pag-aaral ay agad kong ni-take ang pagkakataon na iyon para mag-enroll. I also got a new condo unit near Espana dahil malayo iyon sa bahay. It was a start of a new journey for me. Pilit kong binaon ang sarili as pag-aaral. Pilit na kinalimutan ang mga nangyari pagkatapos ng halos isang taon.
I need to move forward. I need to live for the dead. I need to move on from the pain.
"Hey! Graduation ko na bukas." I whisper to the wind as I place the flower on top of his grave. Napangiti ako sa sarili ng makita ang pangalan niya sa lapida. I hope you are at peace now, Kuya. I'm finally closer to the dream that we both want. I hope that I made you proud after all this time.
"I really wish you can come, Kuya." Mahina kong saad at inayos ang buhok nang magulo iyon sanhi ng hangin. I look at his grave and reminisce a lot of things that happened.
It was almost 8 years since he passed away but the void that he created still remain in me. Gusto kong patunayan sa mundong ito that I will reach both of our dreams. I still have a long way to go but I made it this far to even think of giving up. This is just a start.
Maraming nangyari sa nagdaang apat na taon. It was hard for me to keep moving forward but I made it. Bukas ay graduate na ako ng med school. I will be closer to my goal in this life time.
Ang pangarap naming tatlo, matutupad ko na.
This is for you Kuya and Vico. Thank you for trading everything just for me to live. I will forever treasure your memories with me in my heart. You will never be forgotten.
Every time I will put my skills and knowledge to use, I will remember both of your name. I will engrave it in everything that I'll be doing in the future. You died in my name, so I will save lives with your wills. I love the both of you eternally and passionately that I'll be living with this job that the three of us tried to reach.
Nakangiti kong iniwan ang puntod niya pagkatapos mag-alay ng maikling panalangin.
Konti na lang din kuya, I'll be able to fight for your justice.
"Hey! Nica!" Kumaway pa ako ng makita na siya sa screen. She's in her messy bun and some huge sweater dahil winter season na sa kanila. Inayos niya pa ang salamin niya at isinarado na ang librong binabasa.
"Yow, bitch" Bati naman ni Aryanna habang inilalapag ang kape sa harapan ko. I smiled at her and murmur a short thank you as I grab my glass of iced coffee.
"Kelan ka uuwi, Nica? Will you attend my graduation?" Masayang tanong ko dahil noong huling usap namin ay uuwi daw siya ng taong ito. I hope she can attend my graduation because it is really important for me.
"I'm sorry, Monique but I guess I'll be home by summer. Kailangan ko lang ayos ang mga natitira kong trabaho and deal with some people here." She said with much hatred when she said the her last words. Kahit pa nalungkot ako ng bahagya ay hindi ko na iyon masyadong dinamdam.
Between the two of them, Annica has the most dangerous job. She was promoted as head cryptographer of US last year. Kaya sobrang high-profile niyang tao at hindi basta-bastang nakakaalis ng bansa. I heard that she was only granted this 6 month vacation in the Philippines dahil sa huli nilang case ay nakatanggap siya ng mga death threats from huge terrorist group. Kaya kailangan niyang mag lay low ulit dito sa Pinas for some other time.
Aryanna on the other hand manage to create a huge company for perfumary. She is now currently the CEO of 'Glamour'. It bloomed this year dahil sa sobrang ganda ng kalidad ng mga pabangong ginagawa ni Aryanna. Of course it was exquisite! Aryanna put years of training on perfecting her products to the point na hindi namin siya nakausap ng ilang buwan dahil doon.
Time is indeed blissful.
The three of us had move forward already from all the things that we went through. After years of perseverance, here we are and ready to conquer the world. Sobrang proud ako sa mga kaibigan ko dahil sa mga nakamit nila sa buhay. I know I can never make it through all my hardship without them.
"But I already booked a one week vacation. Don't worry its ahead the start of your internship so you don't need to worry. Bayad na lahat iyon, babayaran ni Aryanna."
"Fuck you! Anong babayaran ko?!"
"Sino ba CEO ng kumpanya rito? Ako ba?"
"You fucking received thousand of dollars every month. Kelan ka pa naging kuripot?!"
"Oh sige, anong ambag mo? Don't tell me you're gonna free load the whole trip?!"
"Ako ba nakaisip na mag-isang linggo? Hindi ba ikaw?"
And they never stopped bitching each other. Hindi na siguro talaga magbabago iyon. I just know that I love the both of them for who they are.
"The best graduation gift!" Hindi ko napigilan ang ma-excite ng makita kong isang private resort sa Boracay ang tinutukoy ni Annica! I bet it even cost her whole month salary, dahil sobrang ganda ng resort at mukhang mamahalin!
"Anyway, Monique. Do you remember that fucking jerk that flew here after your accident? I fucking saw him on the Supreme Court last time. I heard he win over his biggest case this year in the highest court of appeals." Natahimik naman ako ng sabihin iyon ni Annica. I heard Annica grunt and showed Annica her middle finger.
Mapait akong napangiti sa sarili dahil sa sinabi ni Annica.
So he did became a successful lawyer in the States.
"Good for him." Tipid kong komento. Annica tried changing the topic because of the sudden awkwardness kaya naman sinabayan ko na lamang sila.
After the accident I never heard anything from him. I never even tried contacting him because I see no use on doing so. He ran away from me, from what happened so there is no way that I'll chase him out after that.
Kahit pa pakiramdam ko noon ay kulang na kulang ang mundo dahil sa biglang pagkawala niya. He was not there on the times I need him the most. He may have his reasons but I never got an explanation so I don't really want to know.
I completely let go of him the moment I chose to move forward in my life. I chose to move pass our relationship too.
He shattered me just by leaving without saying goodbye and I have no intentions of having him back either. Ngayon ay nasa kabilang panig siya ng mundo, at namamayagpag sa laranangan ng abogasya, mas madaling isipin na hindi kailan man siya naging parte ng mundo ko.
I want to forget him completely. I want to proved to myself that I don't need him to move forward success.
I will be a great doctor soon.
I will become the best version of myself for myself also.
Siguro ngayon, I just wish the best for him.
Gregorio Ibrahim De La Luna, was once part of my life. Now, I'm totally moving forward away from that chapter and creating a new one.
Kaya ko ito ng mag-isa!
I'm ready for the bright future, ahead of me. Padayon! Mga future doktor at doktora!