• f a a r i s •
Because of Noor, we had to sleep at my parent's house today and now it's about 1 at night and she was still busy gossipping with Mom. What more does she have to say to her? She has literally been talking non-stop since the morning.
I didn't want to stay here because this house reminds me of Usama. But because of Noor's persistence, I decided to do it and now I was regretting it. She was out there gossiping with Mom and I was all alone, with a constant headache due to avoiding some particular thoughts.
When I couldn't wait for her any longer, I finally decided to text her. "It's getting late. Come back and sleep." I said.
After few seconds, the phone beeped. "Why?" Her reply came.
"What do you mean by why?" I typed.
"I mean, why are you waiting for me? Go to sleep." She texted back.
"Sure." I rolled my eyes while typing and then tried to go back to sleep. In the past month, I had grown used to having her by my side while I sleep. Although I couldn't touch her, just her presence was enough to calm my heart. Not for her, apparently.
Few minutes later, the door to my room opened and Noor walked in. She looked around the room, analyzing it with her keen eyes. "So that's your bachelor pad?" She asked.
"Yeah. How was your gossip session, by the way?" I snarled.
"Great." She passed me a snarky smile and then sat down on the bed. "I don't have anything to wear." She said, staring at her uncomfortable dress.
"Should've thought before deciding to spend the night here." I murmured under my breath.
"If you don't have a solution Mr. Humayun Shah, you can go back to sleep." She said.
I shrugged and put my arm over my head, closing my eyes. A long pause later, I felt her lay down beside me. "There are my old clothes in the cupboard. You can wear something from them." I added.
"Thank you." She said and hopped out of the bed. The bathroom door opened, she stayed inside for few minutes and then the door opened again. I took my arm off my eyes and gave her a longing glance.
Her petite body was being engulfed in my large trousers and T-Shirt. Unbelievable. She looked like this even in my old, loose pyjamas. Now I was sure she could wear a sack of potatoes and still walk around like a dream.
While she did her skincare routine, I struggled to stop myself from imagining her underneath these clothes. The vivid images going through my mind were definitely not good for my sanity. That's what happens when you protect your virginity for 26 years of life just so you could lose it in Halal way, and then your wife doesn't even want you romantically.
F my life!
By the time she made her way to the bed, I had fortunately calmed the frustrated hormonal part of me. I turned around to face the other side and closed my eyes when I heard her voice.
"She was talking about him." Her meek voice came.
"Hmm?" I asked.
"Usama." She whispered. It has been ages since I heard his name from her mouth. Or maybe just few days but it still felt like ages.
I rolled over in my position to face her. She was lying on her back, with her eyes staring at the ceiling.
"And then she started crying. And I couldn't cry with her because it would have made her cry harder." Noor said and a trail of wetness streamed down her cheeks.
"And I couldn't figure out if I even have the right to cry about him anymore." She murmured.
I didn't know if she was talking to me or to herself. Whatever it was, I wanted to listen to it.
"I am not his Noor now. I am someone else's wife, someone else's honour. I don't have the right to cry over another man." She was still speaking, her eyes zeroed on the ceiling, tears silently spilling down her cheeks.
I scooted closer to her and put my hand over hers. "Noor, I would never stop you from crying over him."
She looked at me and there was that look again, the look of pure agony, one that urged me to marry her and make her happy. "I know. But you know what? I don't think about him much nowadays. I didn't use to go through a day without talking to him and now, I can go through a week without thinking about him." She said, her voice breaking.
"It's perfectly normal and it's not your fault. You have reached the acceptance stage of your grief." I said.
"But I didn't want to." She said in frustration, her tears coming out faster. I hated seeing her cry.
"I know, sweetheart." I said and pulled her in for a hug. "I know. But that's life, Noor. You can't cry over someone forever. One day, you have to move on in your life."
"What about the guilt?" She whispered in my chest.
"It will go away and you will find closure. It won't be easy but it will happen one day." I said, placing a light kiss on her hair, so light that she probably didn't even feel it.
The words I was saying were based on my own experience. For the first seven months, it hurt and it hurt like hell. But one day, on a random Sunday, our funny childhood memories didn't make me cry. Instead, I laughed, I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants. That's how grief works I guess, it diminishes over time.
A long pause followed my words. The only sound in the room was that of our synchronized breaths. "Faaris," She whispered, finally breaking the silence.
"Yes." I said.
She lifted her head that she was hiding in my chest and stared at me. There was a strange emotion in her eyes, one that even I couldn't decipher.
"You are a good man." She said. That's probably the first time she had said something positive about me so a smile instantly made its way to my mouth.
"Thanks." I said. We were too close to each and all my senses were aware of it. I tried my best not to show it on my face but I couldn't. My eyes went to her lips and the thoughts that I was trying too hard to control once again appeared in my mind.
"Um..." I licked my lips. Please scoot away.
She did the opposite of what I prayed in my mind. She leaned her head closer while staring deep into my eyes. My whole face heated up and my brain stopped working at our proximity. All I could see was her big, brown eyes and all I could hear was this strange ringing in my ears.
She leaned her head a little more and I did the same, until our eyes closed on their own and our lips gently brushed against each other's. Just as soft as I expected.
It was just for a small moment and I barely had time to commit it to memory. She pulled away hurriedly and scooted away from me, leaving me cold and disappointed.
"I um... I um..." The panic was clear from her face.
"Let's just go back to sleep." I said, cursing the part of me that wanted to continue what she had started.
"Yeah." She nodded and covered herself with the blanket.
••••••••••
• n o o r •
What did just happen?
How did I go from crying about Usama to kissing Faaris?
The guilt in my mind intensified as did the butterflies in my stomach. I hated the fact that I leaned into the kiss but what I hated more was that I liked it. And I wanted more. If that isn't betrayal, I don't know what is?
This was Usama's home. He lived under this roof for years. He used to talk to me while being in this same house. God knows how many time he had slept on this very bed. And I kissed Faaris for the first time right here. What's wrong with me, Ya Allah?
My stomach was a mess right now. I wanted to dig a huge hole in the middle of this room and bury myself inside. Faaris must be thinking there was something extremely wrong with me, for leaning in towards him seconds after crying over his brother.
There was no way I could sleep now anytime soon. I peeked from underneath the blanket and found Faaris with closed eyes. I doubt he was sleeping but if he wasn't, he was great at acting.
All things aside, why did I do it? It wasn't like I was attracted to him or anything. Or was I? No, how could I? Sure, he was beautiful both on inside and outside. Sure, he had been extremely kind and patient with me since our marriage. Sure, he had never tried to take any advantage of his rights over me. Sure, all these things left me impressed but that doesn't mean I like him, right? Right?
Somebody kill me please.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Now that's called right thing but wrong timing. Hopefully, they will have better timing next time, if there would be a next time. ;)