-chapter fifty-four-
FINN
When did she first change?
Noon bang mas sumasama na siya kina Tasha dahil ito ang palaging kasama ni Renée sa eskwelahan?
June would hide her bruises and go towards them after offering me a wave. Whenever that happens, I spend my time with Sebastian in the library and playing on my phone.
"Lily. Are you still hanging out with June?"
Tumigil ako sa pagpindot sa cellphone at napatingin kay Baste. Nakababa na ang libro na nirereview niya kanina.
I nodded. Sebastian sighed.
"You should stay away from her. She's bad for you." seryosong tugon ni Baste. "Renée thinks she might use you against her. Alam mo na ang magiging desisyon niya kapag nangyari 'yon."
Umiling ako. June's family is bad, but I don't believe June will follow their footsteps. Siguradong ayaw niyang magaya sa taong kinamumuhian niya. Isa pa,
"June will be lonely."
I can't let her be closer to Renée and Gavin because it would ruin their family businesses. Sila ang mga taong kumupkop at nag-aruga sa'kin. They are my second family. Selling them out would also mean breaking my promise to Kuya Gabriel. Dahil hindi ko sila nagawang protektahan.
But... if I stay away from June like my family wants, wala na siyang taong mapupuntahan. I don't want her to be alone because I know that feeling. Maybe... Maybe I can do something to stop the abuse.
"Lily." muling tawag ni Sebastian. He leaned over to pat my head. "You can't help everyone."
"Mm..."
It's not that I wanted to help everyone. I just want to help if I'm capable.
Was it so bad to hope?
"Finn~"
Nakaupo ako sa bleacher seats at nanonood sa practice nina Gavin nang sumulpot si June sa likod ko. She had a grin on her face as she jumped over to sit beside me. I gave her a small smile in greeting, pero hindi niya ata nakita dahil nasa field na ang mga mata niya. Like every girl who comes her after class, kapag naglalaro si Gavin aa field agad na napupunta ang mata nila doon.
Which is something I don't understand kasi wala namang ginagawang interesting si Gavin doon.
I don't know why people keeps on watching him play. Pinipilit niya lang naman akong pumunta dito para sabay kaming umuwi.
"Gavin is really amazing, 'no? Siguro magiging sila ni Renée in the future!"
"Mm." sang-ayon ko na magaling si Gavin, pero hindi ko gets ang huling sinabi ni June.
What did she mean by magiging sila? Is it like marriage na sinabi ni Mama? But... Renée and Sebastian promised that to each other already.
"Grabe talaga si Renée. She has it all - a pretty face, a handsome boy, loving friends and family." sumama ang itsura ni June. "Pero ang pangit din ng personality niya. Akala mo kung sino at hindi ako pinapansin."
"Has reasons." depensa ko kay Renée.
June hummed and smiled at me. "Finn, sama ako sa dinner mo mamaya? You often eat at their houses because you live alone, right?"
"Sometimes." maingat kong sagot. "Tita's
home tonight."
"Aww. Gusto ko sanang makapunta sa bahay nina Ree."
I blinked at her casual use of Renée's nickname but didn't comment on it. Have they talked recently?
Umiling ako. "Usually eat at Gavin's."
Nakita kong natigilan si June at tumaas ang kilay niya. "Talaga? I thought palagi ka kila Ree nagi-eat kasi parehas kayong girls, but you eat with Gavin's family?"
Tumango ako. "Closer."
Magkapitbahay lang naman kasi talaga kami kaya mas madaling pumunta doon at bumalik sa bahay. There's a small gate that connects both of our backyards which we usually use to go to each other's houses.
I tilted my head when June only stared at me. Did I say something wrong for her to look at me strangely?
"Gano'n ba." rinig kong bulong niya sa sarili bago ibinalik ang tingin sa field.
Was that the start of her change? Back then, hindi ko masyadong pinansin ang tinatanong at ginagawa niya. I stayed with June because she's one of the people who I can freely play games with. Siya din ang nakakasabay sa'kin sa mga usapang gano'n.
When Kuya Gabriel died when I was eight, I was blessed with another friend. For four years, she was one of my friends. Ang tanging tao na nakakasama ko sa mga laro at alam ang bawat galaw ko dito.
I guess I noticed some signs when we were ten, pagkatapos no'ng usapan namin sa bleachers. June frequently asked me about Gavin and Renée and Baste. Panay ang tanong niya kung anong mga paborito nila at mga ayaw, at kahit madalas ay hindi siya nila pinapansin, parati niya pa rin itong nilalapitan.
"Finn! Hindi daw sumama si Ree kina Tasha kahapon? Pupunta sana sila doon sa bagong park."
Pauwi ako nang itanong niya 'yon. Umiling ako at sinabing hindi nakapunta si Renée dahil sinamahan niya akong manood ng bagong labas na movie. Again, June gave me a strange look and smile before bidding goodbye.
"Finn! 'Di ba si Baste 'yong nanalo sa quiz bee? Bakit daw hindi siya pumunta sa celebration nila after?"
Inaayos ko ang mga gamit nang itanong ni June 'yon. I told her that Sebastian couldn't go because he had a celebration with his family, with us, at nakapag-paalam na siya sa kanilang adviser. June only hummed and gave me another mysterious smile before talking about a game.
"Finn! Bakit hindi sumali si Gavin doon sa basketball match? Excited pa naman akong makita siya! I even wore my prettiest clothes."
Gumagawa ako ng assignment sa library ng itanong niya 'yon. Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi at humingi sa kaniya ng pasensya. Hindi ko din alam kung anong pumasok sa utak ni Gavin at nagpaiwan siya sa bahay namin kaysa pumunta sa match niya. When he found out that I got a high fever, he immediately went to the house and didn't leave until I got well.
"Heh. Importante ka talaga sa kanila, ano?"
I blinked. "They're important too."
Hindi lang sila ang tinatanong niya. June also became more interested in my own gameplay. Minsan ay hindi na siya naglalaro ng kaniya at nagpapaturo sa'kin kung paano ko ginagawa ang mga techniques. I didn't think so much about it since it wasn't really a secret.
June's family was out of the country so she had no bruises for a month. Siguro ay dahil lang rin sa na-experience niya kaya madalas din siyang magbuhat ng kamay. Whenever she gets slightly irritated, she would resort to physical violence.
We were eleven when she first pushed me to the ground. Nasa playground kami no'n at nasa may swing sina Gavin. June keeps on insisting me to go towards them pero ayoko dahil maingay. He's surrounded by girls and boys alike, asking him things.
"Dali na kasi, Finn. Pumunta tayo doon at kausapin mo si Gavin." pagpupumilit niya.
Umiling ako. "Go. I'll wait." sabay turo ko sa isang bench.
"Ayoko nga. Sumama ka kasi tapos kausapin mo si Gavin!"
Kumunot ang noo ko do'n. Wala naman akong sasabihing importante sa kaniya at ayoko sa mga crowds. Muli akong umiling kay June.
"You can go."
"Eh sinabing samahan mo ako!" sigaw niya at itinulak ako paupo.
Sa sobrang gulat ko ay hindi agad ako naka-react. I only felt a pair of arms guide me up and Renée was already beside me, glaring at June whose eyes were wide.
"Why did you push her?" Ree sounded pissed.
"Siguro may ginawang masama si Finn para itulak ni June, Renée." ani Tasha na tinaasan ako ng kilay. "Maybe Finn wanted to go to Gavin pero ayaw ni June kasi nahihiya tapos pinipilit nitong kaibigan mo. She's a weird-"
"Shut up, Tasha." Ree cut her off. "Hindi naman ikaw tinatanong ko."
"What! It's true! Finley is very weird! Lagi na lang nakatutok sa cellphone tapos nagp-play ng strange games at 'di pa siya nagsasalita! Like, pipi ka ba? Napakaweird niya't mukhang poor kaya hindi ko alam kung bakit palagi kayong sumasama ni Gavin sa kaniya!" Tasha shouted, getting most of the attention in the playground. "Parehas sila ni Sebastian na laging nakatutok sa libro. A weirdo and- and a nerd!"
"Don't talk about my friends like that! Finley and Sebastian are better than all of you. They're not weird! If you think they're weird, then think of me as weird too!"
Renée turned around dragging me with him. Ang isang Sebastian na nakatayo lang pala't nakatingin sa gilid ay sumama. Gavin, who was watching from the swing, also got up and excused himself from his friends, jogging to catch up with us. Sa gitna ng paglalakad namin sa sea wall, natigilan kaming tatlo nang humikbi si Renée.
"Bakit ba ang bad nila mag-isip?" naiiyak niyang tugon. "That girl even pushed you. I told you to stay away from her because her family only means trouble!"
Ibinaba ko ang tingin. "'m sorry."
Renée faced me. "Huwag ka magsorry kasi wala ka namang ginawang kasalanan! I'm sorry... for shouting at you and what they said. You're not weird, Finn! You're the most interesting person in the earth!"
Ngumiti ako at pinunasan ang luha ni Renée. "Mm. Stop crying. Please."
Naiiyak na din kasi si Sebastian sa tabi. Gavin chuckled, taking a hold of my arm and smiling widely.
"Tara, laro na lang tayo sa may beach!"
Siguro ay iyon lang naman ang gusto ni June. Ang magkaroon ng mga taong magmamahal sa kaniya ng totoo. I wanted to give her that genuine love and friendship myself, but it looks like I failed.
We were twelve when June's bottle broke and all her pain bursted out.
"Why do you have everything I want, for free, when you have no family, while I have to practically beg for a scrap of love from them?"
I don't think I got everything for free. There was always a compensation whenever I got something - death or the loss of friendship. We both suffered. Hindi pa ba enough ang fact na 'yon? Do we need to measure the pain both of us felt to make it reasonable and worthy?
Isn't pain still pain no matter how small?
"You're so unfair, Finley. Ano lang naman ang mawalan kung ganiyan ang buhay mo? I hate you so much that I want to ruin your life because no one ever wants to inflict pain on you! And I will, tandaan mo 'yan, I'm going to fucking ruin your life like how you did with mine-"
"I didn't ruin your life." sagot ko sa kaniya. "I... only wanted a friend."
"Well, I only want your friends! Bakit nasa sa'yo sila at wala sa'kin? Totoo naman ang sinabi ni Tasha na wala kang halaga at weird. I'm more deserving! I'm pretty, I'm rich, and I come from a known family." then, she laughed. "Finn, wala ka namang naramdamang sakit sa buong buhay mo kaya bakit hindi na lang tayo magpalit, hm? I live your life from the pain I went through, and you live my life to feel my pain."
"Pareho tayong may pinagdaanan. There is no higher and lower pain-"
Napadaing ako nang malakas niya akong sinampal. There was a stinging pain on my cheeks, but I was more attentive to the aching of my heart.
"You really doesn't deserve your life. If I was in your position, I would do anything. I fucking hate you so much." umayos ng tayo si June at kinuha ang kaniyang bag. "I'm going to ruin your life just like how you and the world ruined mine."
Napahawak ako sa pisngi. What was June so angry about? Because I was living a life free of pain, kahit na hindi naman? Because I had a family she doesn't have? Because she thinks I was taking things for granted? Because I don't deserve anything?
I wanted to stop June from feeling alone. But she wanted to steal everything from me.
Eura: Sparrow! Oi, bakit parang wala kang gana ngayon? Gusto ko sana magpahelp doon sa Lizard's Dungeon! Ang hirappp gorl please lang nalaman kong tinulungan mo si Glory kaya pless me rin girll
Ang mensaheng 'yon ang nagwelcome sa'kin sa game. When I checked my friends list, June was still there but she wasn't online. Ayaw ko namang iblock siya o i-unfriend dahil wala naman talaga akong galit sa kaniya. So, hinayaan ko na lang siya.
Glory didn't help?
Eura's reply came seconds later.
Eura: Please, si Glory magtuturo? Ano siya teacher LOL HAHAHAHA PERO ANG PANGIT NIYANG MAGTURO
Eura: Doon sana kay West pero amputa balak bang mag-online no'n sa apocalypse????
Eura: GUSTO KO LANG NAMAN MAGLIZARD DUNGEON!
I'll help. Where are you?
Eura: Yey hulog ka talaga ng langittt
Eura: Siyempre after me kasi ako ang unang nahulog mwa
Eura: I'm here sa may fountainn, may kasama akong tatlo na need party kaya halika dito bbgurl, lets go dungeoning
Napakaingay talaga ni Eura kahit kailan but, at least, her easygoing attitude made me smile.
Eura: Nga pala, Sparrow. You're always helping us finish dungeons and quest at magaling ka namang magturo. Why don't you try streaming?
Eura: I mean para di ka na rin paulit-ulit youknoww I think you'll have a bunch of followers
Ang sinabing 'yon ni Eura ay inisip ko makalipas ang ilang buwan. Then, after more advises that I should stream, I tried opening a platform. Since kailangan ng avatar, I drew myself under a hood with only my hair visible. At nilagay ko sa likod ng babaeng ni-drawing ang isang sparrow na nakabukas ang pakpak.
It slowly gained subscribers, views, and clicks. Hanggang sa maging parte ako ng isang team para sa isang 5v5 league. We were an undefeated champion and my role as captain and caller made my platform grow larger. Mas marami ang naghihintay sa livestreams ko at mga nagtatanong kung paano tatapusin ang mga mahihirap na quests.
That made me earn money. Tita Layla was so excited at that pero napagsunduan naming dalawa na huwag ko munang gamitin 'to. So we made a bank account to save all the money there dahil hindi naman ako magastos. The things I buy are only for my game and streaming equipments.
Then, the fake Sparrows came. My lack of identity enabled people to come and just borrow them. They make social media accounts na hindi ko ginagawa and try to destroy my image.
Pero wala naman akong pakialam doon. I've already established that I only have the streaming as Sparrow and won't entertain questions not related to games.
Dahil magkaiba si Sparrow at Finn, at hindi naman dapat i-combine silang dalawa.
If they wanted Sparrow, she's free to visit at Streamtube.
But if they wanted a Finn, it wouldn't happen.
For she's only a messed-up person who stays in her own lonely bubble with three people to call family.
Dito lang naman ako muling nakahanap ng mga kaibigang maasahan.
Kaya, patawad June, sa lahat ng nangyari sa'yo at sa mga pagsubok na nagdaan. But even if I'm weak and weird and a loner, these people who tried to love and protect me, I think I deserved them at some point.
Kaya gagawin ko ang lahat para protektahan sila. Kagaya ng pangako ko sa sparrow na kuwento ng aking ina, kay Kuya Gabriel, at sa sarili. I won't let anyone hurt them.
I've always thought we'll stand side by side, but now I'm staring at you from the opposite line. I've always imagined our friendship would last, but the pain and envy made our rivalry start.
"Just go." Gavin said, kneeling in front of Dylan. "Wala ka na bang puso para gawin 'to?"
"Nagkapuso ba sila para gawin 'yon sa'kin?" June mockingly asked and smirked when she looked up. "Mukhang mauunahan na kita, Finn. I have to finish my million points para makapunta na ako sa next city. Bye~"
I watched as the back of my old friend, Julianne Evonne, vanished along the tree lines.
-chapter end-