"Mom, I'm home." I said in a dull tone as I entered my house.
Our house was small. We moved to Seoul years ago when my dad got a job here. There are only four of us in the family, that's why they decided to live in a small house.
While walking through the living room, a small smile formed on my face. Our house only had one color. White. But it was filled with pictures and memories that brought the house to life.
It was a silent afternoon. I was tired. My back was aching so much and my legs were still shivering because of Yeji. I still can't forget what she said to me. "You're a good person."
Nobody has ever said those words to me. Not even Hyunjin and Heejin. When I heard those words, I felt like the wound on my damaged heart was healed.
As I walk my way to my room, I was busy repeating those words in my mind.
Suddenly, I heard a glass drop to the floor and break into pieces that startled me. I snapped out of my thoughts and I tried to find the direction from where I heard the sound.
"Damn it!" Someone with a deep voice suddenly yelled from a room. I assumed that it was my dad.
The tired look on my face dissolved into a sad look. I walked to my parents' room that is close to my room. I placed my ear on the wooden door.
All I heard was arguing. They're screaming at each other. Both my mom and dad are fueled with anger.
I sighed as this kind of thing is no longer new to me. My family is definitely falling apart. I decided to walk away from my parents' room.
Everyday, this is the only thing I hear. There is no peace or silent in this house. I don't know what they're arguing about. I feel like even if they explain it to me, I still won't understand. Marriage is complicated.
I don't understand why they have to hurt each other. When they argue, it sometimes end up with my mom having a bruise on her face or my dad having a giant wound. I want to talk to them and stop them, but everytime I step in, they yell at me.
As I approached my room, I placed my right hand on the doorknob and I opened the door. I entered my room without hesitation and slammed the door creating a loud sound.
I looked at the ceiling fan above and a small smile formed on my face as the noose I bought is still tied to it. The size of the rope is the same as my neck.
"Should I do it now?" I asked myself.
I have been hiding so much problems. Everyday, the only thing I can think of are my problems. I always pour all of my frustrations on someone.
Tears started to form in my eyes. I grabbed a small chair and I placed it below the ceiling fan.
My heart was aching. It was shattered into pieces. My parents were yelling at each other and objects are being thrown, but it feels like I was stuck in a silent and dark room.
I stood up on the chair without hesitation. I was in so much pain. I was thinking with my heart, not with my mind.
I put the noose on my head. I was struggling to put it on me as I probably miscaculated the size of it. While I was wearing the fibre rope, I started thinking about what people will think when I die.
Others might cry, but others might celebrate. "What will Yuna do when she sees me hanging on the ceiling?" I asked myself while thinking about my sister who is 16, a year younger than me.
"What will my parents do?" I asked myself again.
"It's all your fault!" I yelled as I tightened the noose on my neck. I was already suffocating a little bit.
My tears started to fall down rapidly as I am ready to shove the chair I am standing on away. "I'm sorry, Hyunjin and Heejin." I said to myself.
Without hesitation, I kicked the chair making it fall to the ground.
I was suffocating. I started sweating as I was hanging. My neck was hurting a lot because of how tight the rope is.
My legs were shaking as I was struggling to breathe. I winced in pain. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It felt like I only had 10 seconds before death. I was ready to face death.
Suddenly, my phone vibrated out of nowhere. I was curious. No one really calls me.
"F-...f.." I struggled to say a word.
I grabbed the rope on my neck with my two hands and I started swinging around hoping for the rope to tear apart.
But it didn't work.
While I was swinging, the ceiling fan that the rope is tied to suddenly snapped.
I fell to the ground.
I loosened the rope and I took it off my neck. I was short of breath and I kept on coughing on the ground. My chest was aching and my neck was hurting.
I placed my hand in my pocket and took out my phone.
I looked at my phone and my eyes widened a little bit.
"Hwang Yeji? how did she know my number?" I weakly said.
I was expecting an idiotic reply if I answer her call so I decided to ignore her. I lie down on the ground and I continued coughing like a sick person.
I looked at the ceiling and I wiped my tears. "I was so close." I said to myself.
--
"Unnie, goodmorning!" My sister Yuna happily shouted while sitting down on a chair across our mom.
I smiled weakly and I sat down besides her while holding my phone. I placed my phone on the dining table and I picked up my chopstick to grab a piece of bacon.
I was about to pick up food, but my mom suddenly hit my hand with a metal spoon that made me confused.
"Shin Ryujin." My mom said.
"That hurt." I held my hand while looking at my mom with a curious expression.
The woman in her 30s pointed her spoon at me. "Why is your neck so red?"
I looked around. I tried to avoid eye contact with her as I tried to think of an excuse. "I-..." I started scratching the back of my head while awkwardly smiling at my mom.
My mom stood up. "That's it." She suddenly took my phone.
I stood up from my seat and I dropped the chopstick I was holding. "H-hey. What are you doing with my phone?"
My mom walked towards the open window. "Shin Ryujin, promise me or I will throw your phone out the window!" She yelled.
I walked towards my mom and tears started to form in my eyes. "P-please. Anything but my phone. I have family pictures there. Don't throw it away!" I yelled.
My mom looked at my sister. "Yuna! cover your ears!" She yelled.
My sister covered her ears and sat down properly.
"Promise me, Shin Ryujin!" My mom yelled.
My tears started falling down. I was sobbing. Without hesitation, I kneeled down in front of my mom. "I-I won't..."
"You won't what?" She said.
"I won't kill myself!" I yelled.
"I won't kill myself."
"I won't kill myself."
I kept on saying the same thing for minutes, but it didn't satisfy my mom.
"Rephrase that, Ryujin." My mom demanded.
I wiped my tears with my shirt and I inhaled and sharply exhaled. "Alright." I weakly said.
"I-I will never kill myself."