I'm currently experiencing an inexplicable pain in my chest.
It hurts, it's painful, and I need help.
Who do I need help from? That's obvious from the start. But the person I want to be helped the most is already hers.
I wonder how many years have passed since then.
We've grown up.
The class competition is over, and after graduation we are all walking our separate paths.
Kanzaki-kun became an employee of a prestigious company.
Chihiro is now a nurse.
Everyone is finding their own happiness by finding their own thing. That's what it means to be an adult, I thought.
The current Advanced Nurturing High School is still full of reckless exams, but the whole class seems to be working together.
I've become an adult, and I'm looking at Ayanokoji-kun, who has also become an adult, standing upright with a nervous look on his face that I would never have imagined when he was a student with expressionless face.
I'm staring at him.
"Kiyotaka Ayanokoji. Do you swear to protect Kei Ayanokoji for the rest of your life, to never stop smiling, and to make her happy?"
"Yes, I swear."
Next to Ayanokoji-kun was Karuizawa-san, whom he had protected during his three years in high school.
"Ayanokoji Kei, do you pledge to support Kiyotaka Ayanokoji at all times and to love him for the rest of your life?"
"Yes, yes. I swear !"
Her long blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail as usual, and her old girly vibe had completely disappeared, leaving her ,very beautiful as a mature woman.
"Kiyotaka Ayanokoji, Kei Ayanokoji. Do you pledge to take care of each other's family, share happiness and build a warm home?"
"Yes, I do pledge."
I had often seen them standing side by side, both of them wearing their uniforms. But the clothes they wore today were pure white, beautiful clothes that blessed their future life together.
A pure white dress, a pure white veil, a pure white bride.
Yes. Today is an important day for Ayanokoji-kun and Karuizawa-san.
As I gazed at the Western-style venue and the many attendees that Ayanokoji and Karuizawa had decided on together.
I'm jealous....
Horikita-san, who supported Ayanokoji-kun on the front side for three years, Kikyo-chan, who seems to have been through a lot but was able to accept her true self, and Sakura-san and Sato-san, who have loved him since he was probably a freshman.
There was Ryuen-kun and his friends who had been fighting with him for the past three years, Sakayanagi-san who had known him since he was a child, and Shiina-san who, like him, had been in love with Ayanokoji-kun since graduation.
Hirata-kun, who was standing on the stage as a speech on behalf of his friends, the teachers of the High School , and many other people related to them who I didn't even know were invited.
Above all, the two of them being congratulated by all those people.
The two of them looking at each other with happiness.
Karuizawa-san,is loved by all.
Next to me, Chihiro is still there as usual. From time to time, she gave me a worried look.
I wonder if I'm making a normal expression. Do I look like I'm celebrating my friend's wedding?
I'm sure I knew this day would come.
Yes, since that day.
That day, Ayanokoji-kun won.
He defeated the White Room in the place were he was born.
It was the first time he had ever faced such a formidable foe.
"Why are you here, Kiyotaka?"
"I told you, I'll protect you at all times Kei."
He struggled to save Karuizawa-san alone. He was so desperate to save Karuizawa-son that it was hard to imagine his usual expressionless look. He pushed his true intentions to the forefront that everyone didn't know about, and the assassin almost killed him.
He even pushed himself to death....
There was no way that a person who doesn't feel emotion would have done that.
It didn't take much time for Karuizawa-san's passionate feelings and Ayanokoji-kun's feelings to communicate. At least, there was no time for me to intervene between the two of them.
In fact, there was no time for me to make up my mind to take action. More importantly, I didn't have the courage to even think about making a decision.
It wasn't that the distance between them had shortened in such a short time that I didn't have time to do anything, but that I hadn't taken any action even for a long time before that.
I didn't think about it, I didn't do anything about it.
I thought I liked him.
I thought that I didn't want to give him to anyone, that I wanted to stay with him forever.
But when the time came for him to belong to someone in particular, I completely stopped thinking about it.
I guess I didn't want to accept it.
So, I stopped thinking about it.
While I was not thinking, things were progressing.
It was to the point where there was nothing I could do about it.
And today.
It's not that I don't like the bride, Karuizawa-san. I've even talked to her a few times. But of course I would be lying if I said I didn't envy her, and to be honest, if I said I hated her, I hated her.
But that doesn't mean that I don't feel like celebrating. It's not that I don't want to celebrate.
I heard that Karuizawa-san was bullied in junior high school. That's why I can't help but want her to be happy.
But did it have to be with Ayanokoji-kun?
I can't help but think like that.
The wedding party was going on without a hitch.
So, let's kiss our vows.
I saw two people kissing each other.
"You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Kiyotaka is the one who's nervous."
Why did I come to consciousness now of all time. I should have been absent-minded right now.
Apparently, the ceremony was about to end.
The two of them were leaving together.
I just watch them.
The place changed and we went to the second venue.
There were people there before, but the number of people now is beyond the realm of an ordinary person's after-wedding party.
"Hey! Ayanokoji!"
"Hey, Ike! Kei-san is also an Ayanokoji now, too!"
Ike and Shinohara-san went to talk to Ayanokoji. It's not a good idea to interrupt them in the middle of the road, and I can't go talk to them in this way. What an excuse, I thought.
I don't want to meet him face to face.
But I want to see him. I want to hear his voice. I want to see his face. I want to see his smile.
"You're human, I assure you."
"Is that okay? Even if I'm human..."
"Of course it's fine, you idiot."
"Thank you, kei."
But... I couldn't make him laugh. It was Karuizawa-san who first taught Ayanokoji-kun that he was a human being, not just a White Room masterpiece.
"You'll go through the next year without hesitation, and then you'll meet me. Can you promise me that?"
"I'm a door. I can't see your face, I can't touch you, I'm just a door. You can expose your weaknesses by no one laughing at you."
"What are you going to do, Ichinose?Now is the crucial moment for you."
The last spring break of my freshman year....
I still remember that he took me into his room. No, I remember that he listened to me all the way through the door when I was almost broken before that.
I want to see Ayanokoji-kun's smile.
I want to see Ayanokoji's smile and hear his happy voice.
"I see,I have to call you Kiyotaka from now on!"
"Oh, that's right, I will be calling you Kanji from now on too!"
I want to see Ayanokoji-kun's happy, crying face.
"What's wrong with you, Kiyotaka?"
"I'm sorry.... I am just happy that I am married to Kei."
Ayanokoji-kun has become a different person than he was in high school, his expression has become richer. In fact, he is still crying now, biting back the happiness of being married to Karuizawa-san.
"What is this, Damn it, I'm going to be with Suzune next time...!"
"Kuku. I never thought I'd live to see you cry, will dragons fall out of sky tomorrow?"
"You know... how dare you talk to me when I'm so full of emotion."
He was a little upset because Ryuen and Sudo were teasing him.
"Kiyotaka! Come here!
"I'll be right there, Kei."
I couldn't... I couldn't make him human.
"Oh, uh... Ayanokoji-kun..."
"I'm sorry, Ichinose. I'm a little busy right now, so if you need me again, I'll see you later."
"I'm sorry, but..."
He left me again.
The last spring break of my 2nd year.
I had always remembered the promise we made a year later, but Ayanokouji-kun was so focused on helping Karuizawa-san that he didn't care about me.
When I think about it - that was the time when Ayanokoji-kun seemed to be having the hardest time.
"Honami-chan!
Suddenly, I turned around when someone called my name.
The same worried eyes as back then.
Chihiro is always worried about me.
I rejected her suggestion to make me leave early for some reason...
"I'm sorry, I'm fine."
It's not just Chihiro.
Sakayanagi-san, who had tormented me so much in high school, turned her dignified eyes towards me.
Kamuro-san, who is standing beside her, is also looking at me.
"Are you sure sakayanagi?why don't you help her?"
"It's okay, Masumi-san. I know how she feels now, so much so that it hurts."
The two of them, unlike Chihiro, did not call out to me.
I don't think Sakayanagi-san cared for me, but I honestly appreciated it.
"Sorry, Chihiro, can I be alone for a moment?"
Chihiro nodded honestly and left.
She went over to Kanzaki-kun, who was also looking at me with concern, and said something to him. But they didn't look at me while they were talking.
I don't think they were talking about me.I think they were just paying attention to me.
I don't know what I'm doing...
I leaned against the wall in the corner of the hall by myself.
I think about it. I remember. I remember that day.
That day, it wasn't the day that Ayanokoji-kun saved Karuizawa-san from acting Director from his father.
After graduation, I thought that the relationship between Ayanokoji-kun and Karuizawa-san must not have been a definite man-woman relationship yet.
Ayanokoji was aware of Karuizawa-san as a woman, not as a textbook romance, and yet he was unable to take the final step.
I only once....
Just one time....
I've had a physical relationship with Ayanokoji-kun.
He was depressed.
I met him by chance when I turned 20, and he and I were drinking late into the night at my place, talking about old times.
I was drunk.
I took advantage of the power of alcohol.
"Hey, Ayanokoji-kun."
I was the one who invited him
"It's okay if I just do it."
I don't know how much judgment Ayanokoji-kun had due to alcohol, but at least he didn't reject me.
"I'm sorry‥‥I think it hurts a little."
"Is this your first time?
"Yeah, but I am happy."
I'm...
──── is on the move.
I had a faint, faint hope that it might. It lasted only one night, though.
The next morning, when I woke up and saw Ayanokoji's face, I realized everything.
"I'm sorry, I'm going to pretend that everything that happened last night was a dream. I'm going to pretend that nothing happened."
"..."
"I thought it would be better to lose everything here than to lose the memory of last night."
"I see."
"Forget it, last night was nothing. You'll always be my friend."
Ayanokoji-kun said so.
I was a little surprised.
I was kind of hoping that he would be surprisingly sincere and say something about taking responsibility but he didn't.
I was thinking that no matter what his relationship with Karuizawa-san was, he would just have to take responsibility.
I'm sure it was the thought of a future with Karuizawa-san that made him say those words.
He took Karuizawa-san's happiness over his own responsibility. He took his future with Karuizawa-san over her relationship with me.
"That's right, I'm sorry I acted like this even though Karuizawa-san..... Ayanokoji-kun."
"No, don't apologize. It was my fault."
I had said something like a stupid woman at that time.
"If I were a man, I would have taken responsibility,"
If only I had told him how I really Felton even more..."I like you, Ayanokoji-kun.. Please go out with me.!"
But I couldn't say those words.
I practiced the words over and over again in my dorm room in high school.
In the end, I was afraid to say it to him, because I was afraid of being rejected again and ruining our current relationship.
I wonder if something would have changed.
I wonder if there would have been a happy present where I could smile next to Ayanokoji-kun.
I can honestly only congratulate the two of them and that's who I am.
I love you...
No matter how much I think, ponder, or pray, there is no such thing as a happy, kind, and beautiful now. It is impossible. It cannot exist.
But you know what, I really liked Ayanokoji-kun, you know? I'm sure I'm as good as Karuizawa-san. No one can beat me.
I loved you more than anyone else.
I still love you.
Shall I show you the proof?
That was the first time for me, but it was also the last time.
After that, I tried to forget about Ayanokoji-kun by going to blind dates and looking for new guys. There were a few times when I was approached, but I remembered Ayanokoji-kun, so I didn't end up with anyone.
I don't think it will happen with anyone in the future.
Ayanokoji-kun is the only one for me.
I only need Ayanokoji-kun.
I'll always be waiting.
I can wait forever and ever.
So, so....
"Ichinose."
I looked up at him and saw him approaching me with a smile that I could never forget.
"I've been waiting for you for a long time, Ayanokoji-kun."
(END)