Requested by @sasuu
warning: depression, suicide attempt
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For the longest time, Namjoon had struggled with negative thoughts. He wasn't your local confident gay or anything, just a person who barely managed. He was shy and somewhat awkward.
After he was given the responsibility to be BTS's leader, everything came crashing down on him. He was responsible for so much. The careers of the other members depended on him. He cried when he found out.
Over the years, he had learned how to deal with that stress better. There were still hard times when he doubted his ability to lead, but they had lessened.
Still, when they did happen, they practically destroyed him.
They mostly came in the form of someone questioning his ability or his performance. That lead to him overthinking and ultimately, tearing himself apart. It's crazy how he let someone else's words dictate his life.
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Yoongi made sure to pay extra attention to Namjoon whenever he noticed that he was going into one of those "slumps". Namjoon would get quieter and more tired. He would spent most of his time laying on his bed or sitting on the couch. Even his voice would get monotone and lifeless.
Yoongi tried to cheer him up during those times. He knew there were few things that Namjoon would get genuinely amused by, but he did still try. Though, when he noticed that Namjoon was starting to get annoyed, he made sure to let him have some alone time.
Maybe Namjoon did need help. Yoongi thought he should. When he talked to the others, they all agreed he should. But Namjoon seemed to bounce back in a few months. He would become energetic again. Yoongi didn't know if he was just pretending or if he was actually better, but he chose to believe the latter.
But the issue had been nagging at him for a while. He needed to help Namjoon out somehow. That's what a good friend would do.
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When the storm clouds, they came all together. The lightning, the thunder, the deafening rainfall, it all came together to terrorize the earth. That was the case for Namjoon. When the negative feelings came, they crashed down onto him, like he was nothing more than a toy train that could be played with and thrown around.
Everything was so bleak. Forcing a smile for the others took up all his energy. The others noticed, he knew. They asked him what was wrong. They showed him comfort, even when he tried to push them away. And deep down Namjoon was thankful. They knew he was. They never got annoyed with him.
He knew this season was going to pass just like it always did. He had just to huddle tight and protect himself. Namjoon had to remind himself that all those suicidal thoughts that he got were temporary. He was going to get through this, if he just could hold on, damn it.
Easier said than done, really. Especially when there were people around him that clearly didn't care about his wellbeing and sanity.
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Jimin knew that he didn't like the atmosphere of the building as soon as came in. The people were snarky too. All of a sudden, doing the interview didn't seem so fun after all.
"I don't like this place," he muttered to nobody in particular.
"Hmm, well it's only a short interview," Jin said. He glanced at Namjoon, as if he was checking to make sure that he was okay. "Don't worry Jimin, we're all going to be together."
"Yeah, true."
Namjoon trudged along behind them. He wanted to go home. He didn't want to talk and act cheerful. Sleeping sounded much more fun. But as the leader, he was expected to be the spokesperson. He couldn't help but feel that he wasn't a good leader. He knew the others didn't look up to him as much as he wanted them to.
"Don't worry about anything Namjoon, everything will be fine," Hoseok said. He patted his back. "We've got you."
"I know," Namjoon mumbled. He looked as gloomy as he felt. He couldn't wait for this whole ordeal to be over.
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For most of the interview, Namjoon was fine. He silently counted down the minutes on the big clock across from the camera. The whole experience was stifling. Getting asked this question, that question, some of which he had heard many times before. Namjoon let the others handle the questions mostly. It made him feel terrible - shouldn't the leader take the initiative - but the others didn't look bothered. Tired maybe, but not bothered. That's what Namjoon said to comfort himself.
He was thankful that most of the time the interviewer kept his attention off him. Namjoon kept his mouth shut and waited until he could go home and lie down. His favourite activity.
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"Namjoon?"
"Hmm?"
Namjoon automatically perked up. He glanced at the interviewer. He gave him a strange look before continuing with his question. His voice was low when he started talking.
"Uh... excuse me, aren't you the one who is supposed to be leading this? You aren't even trying! What kind of a leader does this...?"
Namjoon blanked. Swears circled around in his mind and he nearly spit them out at the interviewer.
a꙰s꙰s꙰h꙰o꙰l꙰e꙰, i꙰ a꙰m꙰ t꙰r꙰y꙰i꙰n꙰g꙰ m꙰o꙰r꙰e꙰ t꙰h꙰a꙰n꙰ y꙰o꙰u꙰ c꙰a꙰n꙰ e꙰v꙰e꙰r꙰...
Instead, the only thing that happened was that tears sprang to his eyes. Namjoon sniffed. The others only stared at him or down at their laps and stayed quiet. Jungkook looked uncomfortable.
"Sor-sorry, I... I was a bit distracted, and-"
The interviewer didn't let him finish. He held out his hand and Namjoon fell silent. He was terrified. Shame welled up in his mind. This was not what he had signed up for. He was literally falling apart. Namjoon tried to appear more enthusiastic for the rest of the interview, but he avoided all eye contact with the interviewer or the others.
He hated being yelled at like that, it always made him feel like a failure. Namjoon could barely contain his rage as he sat there. He was trying. How could anybody not see that? His thoughts spiralled. He couldn't think at all. The members kept answering for him, they kept talking, they sounded so relaxed, why couldn't Namjoon do the same? But despite everything, Namjoon vowed that he wasn't going to have a breakdown here. He dried his eyes as discreetly as he could and tried to stop sniffling.
The others don't care about you, echoed in his mind.
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Jungkook hadn't known what to say then and he didn't know what to say now. Namjoon had clearly been affected by the interviewer's words. He carried himself stiffly and his mouth was set in a grim line. His face was slightly red. Jungkook couldn't imagine how embarrassing the whole situation was for Namjoon.
Jungkook didn't know what else to do other than sling his arm around Namjoon's shoulders as they headed out of the studio. The interview was over. Namjoon looked relieved. Jungkook did too.
"We can go home now," Jungkook said. He glanced into Namjoon's eyes.
"Yeah."
Jungkook didn't bother trying to start up any other conversations. He kept his arm around Namjoon as they walked back to the dressing rooms. Namjoon was quiet, his face moody.
Hoseok exchanged a worried glance with Jungkook. Jungkook knew the meaning of that glance.
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Namjoon was quiet the whole rest of the day. When they got home, he went straight to his room. He came out to have dinner later, but that was it. Jin and Jimin tried talking to him, tried cheering him up, but Namjoon stayed as unhappy as ever.
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Namjoon felt like he was shoving pieces of cardboard down his throat. After the interview this morning, every normal activity felt like he was climbing a mountain. Those words had set him off and now he couldn't undo the damage. Eating was hard.
The atmosphere at the table was melancholy now. Once in a while, Taehyung talked about something that had happened to his brother, but nobody was really interested and didn't ask. They had heard the story many times already.
Namjoon concentrated on not bursting into tears.
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But at night, it was fine. He was all alone in his room anyway. Namjoon buried his face in his pillow and let himself sob. The pillowcase got soaked but he didn't care. He deserved it anyway. All the negative emotions from the past weeks came back to mind. More than anything, Namjoon felt like a failure. He was doing everything wrong, nobody cared about him, the interviewer was right - he never tried, he wasn't cool or inspiring or anything, he was Namjoon and that meant he was useless.
Namjoon kept his face planted in his pillow. He kept crying, his arms wrapped around himself. The blanket had fallen off of him and the room was chilly. There wasn't anything to do to make himself more cozy. He shivered. Namjoon couldn't stop crying and shaking. He had never felt this overwhelmed in his life before.
The others wouldn't come because they didn't care. Namjoon didn't care about himself either. He had thought about it earlier, but now the thoughts came back at full force. He didn't care. Namjoon didn't care at all.
He got up from the bed and stumbled over to the bathroom. The lights hurt his eyes. Namjoon leaned against the counter and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was too puffy. He looked awful. He didn't care. He pulled open the bathroom cabinet. A few half-full bottles of painkillers were in there. Namjoon was in a daze. He grabbed one and twisted open the lid. He knew he was going to regret this in the future, but he couldn't bring himself to care that much. He wasn't okay. He was falling apart. The lid came off easily and so did the pills. Once he had dumped a decent number into his hand, he shoved it inside his mouth.
Almost giddy with his actions, Namjoon tumbled down onto the floor. He didn't care. He felt like he was high. He felt like he had done something that he wasn't allowed to do - it felt good. The feeling was going to fade soon.
"Why is the light...?"
Jimin peered into the room, his face scrunched. When he spotted Namjoon in the corner, he gasped. Namjoon only burst into tears looking at his reaction.
"What did you... hyung!" Jimin yanked the empty bottle out of his hands, staring in horror at Namjoon. "Hyung?"
He left as quickly as he had arrived. Jimin was back again in a moment, phone in hand. Namjoon was full on crying again. The daze still hadn't lifted. He felt like he was dreaming. He was getting drowsy too.
Jimin pulled him close to his chest and cradled him. Namjoon felt like a baby. He heard the others gradually come in and panic. He felt tempted to panic too, but he was just so tired. He couldn't muster up the strength to even talk. Jimin kept rocking him back and forth. Tears kept dripping down Namjoon's face.
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"He's okay."
Jin sagged in relief. Beside him, Jimin did the same. After a good half an hour of worrying, everything turned out to be fine. Ten painkillers wouldn't harm Namjoon in the long run.
"Can we see him?" Jimin asked.
"Yes, of course," the nurse said.
Namjoon had a faint smile on his face when they saw him. He clearly wasn't awake. Jimin took a seat next to his bed.
"He's going to be fine hyung," Jimin said.
Jin nodded. "I know."
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The next few days were rocky. Namjoon didn't remember much of that night. He didn't feel guilty. He was mostly embarrassed for making a scene, which Jimin tried to get rid of. And Yoongi finally suggested, along with the doctors, for Namjoon to get help. This had gone on for long enough and if it happened again, something more serious would happen. Namjoon didn't get a choice. He had to go. The others were making him.
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"You know, hyung," Jungkook said. "I've been... uh, hyung?"
"Yeah?" Namjoon asked. He smiled.
"I've been thinking about what that interviewer said, sometimes, you know."
Namjoon shook his head. "Don't worry about it," he said quietly. "It's fine."
"No it's not," Jungkook said. "It's not fine. What he said was really rude. You didn't deserve that. You're a great leader, you really are."
"Sure."
"No you are," Jungkook insisted, desperate for Namjoon to just agree.
"Thanks," Namjoon said. He smiled again. It actually reached his eyes this time. Jungkook smiled back, hoping that Namjoon could see how much he truly cared about him.
Because he did. And he was glad that nothing had happened to Namjoon that night. And how he was getting better.
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buckle up, lots of updates today (hopefully)
ty for reading!
2135 words