Wonderwall
Kosmos and Bleux
❝ Lola, mom and dad would be here tomorrow. Nauna lang po ako.❞
It was five days before the Christmas of 2015 when I felt that the world stopped and the only one who was moving was him. When he entered the huge archaic doorway of the living room where Beige and I were playing.
❝ Namiss kita apo, t’wing pasko ni‘yo lamang kasi ako binibisita. Tell your parents to come here frequently.❞
It was purely hackneyed but this little fist-like organ inside my rib cage pounded vigorously as he swayed his gaze towards my direction while beaming. His eyes were also smiling, flawlessly.
❝ Still remember your cousin? That is Beige and her bestfriend, Bleux. ❞
Nakangiting sambit ni Lola Feli.
❝ Hi Kuya Kosmos! ❞
Tuwang tuwang bati ni Beige habang yapos sa braso ang isang manikang nilalagyan niya ng damit.
Kosmos. What a beautiful name, isn’t it?
❝ H-hi.❞
Namumulang turan ko bago umiwas ng tingin at tumalikod ng upo. Narinig ko ang mahinang pagtawa nito na siyang nagpa-urong sa dila ko.
❝ Mahiyain talaga ang batang ‘yan ngunit napaka bait. Siya nga pala alam mo na kung nasa’n ang kwarto mo. Maghahanda lamang ako ng tanghalian. ❞
Narinig ko ang paglayo ng tunog ng sapatos ni lola at ang pagtama ng sapatos ni Kosmos paakyat sa mataas na hagdanan.
I fixed my eyes towards his back. Secretly memorizing every perfect details of his entity. His hair reminded me of Leonardo Dicaprio’s prominent curtained haircut. It suits him.
❝ How old is he, Beige? ❞
Nakita ko ang pagngiti ni Beige nang makita ang reaksyon ko.
❝ Well, Kuya Kosmos is sixteen. ❞
I was fourteen when my heart started to be wedged with admiration for someone I just met.
---
23rd of December 2017.
Our first and simple conversation started. How he approached me with flashing smile was still vivid.
❝ Hi, have you seen lola Feli? ❞
Mariin akong napalunok nang maramdaman ang pag-upo ni Kosmos sa tabi ko.
His skin is flawlessly white, he has these deep russet-colored eyes; a metaphorically fusion of chaos and tranquility. His curtained haircut is still the same, one of the most beautiful thing about him that I will never forget.
❝ Lumabas sila ni Beige para bumili ng bananacue. ❞
Mahinang sagot ko.
❝ Am I disturbing you? ❞
Gulat ko siyang nilingon at sunod sunod na umiling.
❝ I-I don’t usually like talking to new people but I can talk to you, I can try. ❞
Ramdam ko ang malakas na pagkabog ng puso ko nang mahina itong tumawa na animo‘y naaaliw.
❝ You still consider me as stranger? ❞
Sandali akong natigilan dahil sa itinanong nito. Siguro ay naramdaman niya na wala akong maisasagot kaya naman inilihis niya na lamang ang usapan.
❝ Hmm...Do you have a brother? ❞
Nakangiti pa ring tanong nito.
❝ I have one. ❞
❝ Now you have two. You can call me kuya Kosmos. ❞
Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko kasabay ng pag-iling.
❝ You are not my brother. ❞
Nakangusong turan ko.
❝ Alright. Call me what you prefer. ❞
Muli ko siyang sinulyapan, hindi pa rin mawala wala ang ngiti nito sa labi.
❝ I’ll call you, Kosmos. ❞
❝ Well then, call me Kosmos. ❞
---
25th of December year 2019. Two years had passed before he came back.
Kosmos is twenty and I am eighteen.
❝ Lola Feli, I want you to meet Lia. ❞
❝ Napaka gandang dalaga. Naku, maupo kayo at maglalabas ako ng pagkain. ❞
Nanatiling nakadikit ang mga paa ko sa sahig na para bang nakalimutan ko na rin kung paano magsalita.
I was stunned and above all, I felt my heart twinged as if I was being stab. My excitement had blown away; my expectation rived into pieces.
❝ Hello po lola. Palagi niya po kayong kinukuwento sa’kin.❞
Her voice sounded like an angel.
❝ I suddenly want to buy an ice cream outside. Nice to meet you ate Lia. ❞
Beige interrupted.
Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng tuhod ko nang magtama ang paningin namin ni Kosmos. I tried my best to smile before Beige dragged me away from them.
❝ Are you alright? ❞
Puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha ni Beige.
❝ Am I alright? ❞
Mariin kong iniyukom ang kamao ko.
❝ Wala namang sinabi si Kuya Kosmos na girlfriend niya ‘yon.❞
❝ He wouldn’t take her here if she is not. ❞
❝ But you told me it’s just a crush, right? ❞
Kusang nagbara ang lalamunan ko. I cannot understand myself either.
Ipinagsiklop ko ang mga palad ko at malalim na humugot ng hininga.
❝ Let’s go back inside, Beige. Kosmos will leave soon and after that it will take a year again or maybe two? I can’t afford to waste time.❞
---
❝ How old are you, Bleux? ❞
Nakangiting kuwestiyon ni ate Lia habang magkakasalo kami sa lamesa.
❝ She’s eighteen, Lia. ❞
Naudlot ang pagbuka ng bibig ko nang mauna nang magsalita si Kosmos.
❝ Ah.❞
Napansin ko ang pagkawala ng ngiti nito ngunit hindi ko na lamang pinansin pa.
❝ Ahm ate Lia, how long have you been dating? ❞
Natigil ako sa pagnguya nang magsalita si Beige.
Napansin ko rin ang pagtigil nilang dalawa.
Magsasalita pa sana si Beige ngunit agad ko na itong pinutol. I'm sure she'll just dig up even more.
❝ Our place has beautiful spots to offer. We can walk you two around. ❞
Mabilis na litanya ko.
❝ You’ll do that? ❞
Nalaglag sa kamay ko ang hawak kong kutsara nang matiim niya akong tinitigan. Mabilis akong tumaliwas ng tingin.
❝ O-oo naman Kuya Kosmos. ❞
Nangangatal na sambit ko.
❝ May food court ba na malapit dito? ❞
Pagod na tanong ni ate Lia habang naglalakad. Tahimik lamang ako sa likod at pinagmamasdan sila.
❝ Oo ate. Tara puntahan natin. Gutom na rin ako eh. ❞
Natutuwang suhestiyon ni Beige rito.
❝ Dito nalang muna ako. I want to rest. ❞
Mahinang sambit ko.
❝ Sige, i’ll buy you a drink. ❞
Nakangiting saad ni Beige kaya naman tumango nalang ako at nagtungo sa lumang upuan na siyang nakapako sa ilalim ng malaking puno ng mangga.
❝ You two can go. I also want to take a rest. ❞
Nagkunwari akong walang narinig at umurong sa dulong bahagi ng upuan nang maupo si Kosmos sa tabi ko.
Nahuli ko ang paglingon ni ate Lia sa’min kaya naman pilit ko itong nginitian.
Ilang minuto ang lumipas ngunit walang sino man sa‘min ang nagtangkang magsalita.
❝ I know you’re really quiet. But why are you not talking to me? Did I do something wrong? ❞
He cut the ear-splitting sound of silence.
❝ I don’t have anything to say. ❞
Totoo namang wala akong sasabihin. I don’t like forcing conversation.
❝ You sure? ❞
Are you two dating?
❝ Oo. ❞
Mahinang sagot ko sakanya.
❝ About Lia—
❝ Beautiful, she is so beautiful and warm-hearted. No wonder why you fell for her. ❞
I faked a smile.
Para akong kinakapos ng hininga dahil sa biglaang paninikip ng dibdib ko.
❝ You think so? ❞
Malawak akong ngumiti at tumango.
❝ You are kind, clever and optimistic. You are gentle and easy to get along with. Your smile is contagious and I love it. I mean, who would not? I personally think that ate Lia suits you. ❞
But I befit you the best.
❝ You discerned all of those about me? ❞
Para bang gulat na tanong nito na siyang nagpatigil sa‘kin.
❝ I did. Few days with you every year were enough. ❞
I knew that you love red.
I knew that you hate pork.
You has your father's eyes.
I knew that your dream is to become a doctor like him.
❝ Bleux. ❞
❝ Kosmos! ❞
Mabilis akong napatayo nang matanaw ang tumatakbong si ate Lia palapit sa‘min.
❝ We got you some food. ❞
Makahulugang tingin ang ibinigay ni Beige sa‘kin nang makalapit ito.
❝ Let’s go back, Kosmos. I badly need rest. ❞
Tikom ang bibig ay sinundan ko lamang sila ng tingin nang sabay silang maglakad palayo.
I witnessed him leave several times. But seeing him walking away with another woman affects me even more.
It pains me so much that the woman he’s walking with is not me.
If you only know that I love you.
I wonder if things would change.
I’m in love with him, now it’s clear.
Love is indeed inconspicuous and enigmatic. It will creeps you out until you became a victim.
---
❝ Dito kayo magce-celebrate ng New year, kuya Kosmos? ❞
Natutuwang tanong ni Beige habang pumipili ng CD na p‘wede naming panoorin para magpalipas ng oras.
❝ Yup, Lia’s parents will not be around so she’ll stay here with us. ❞
Nakangiting sagot nito.
I can’t help it but to watch them doing things together. They are completely comfortable with each other while Kosmos and I are still far from that.
I can’t even form a long conversation with him.
❝ That’s great. We can introduce you to our friends then? Especially to Rio. ❞
Nakangising bumaling sa’kin ng tingin si Beige.
Nanlalaking matang hinampas ko ang braso nito. I know what‘s in her mind.
❝ Rio? ❞
Napuno ng pagtatakha ang mukha ni Kosmos kasabay ng kunot noong pagtingin nito sa’kin.
Rio was my suitor and he’s still trying to pursue me even though I rejected him four times in a row.
❝ Oo kuya Kosmos. Rio is Bleux’s suitor. ❞
I swooped my face on the other side when I saw how his eye brow raised in disbelief.
❝ You have a suitor? ❞
Seryosong kuwestiyon ni Kosmos.
❝ Why? Is there anything wrong with that? Rio is someone who adores me so much. ❞
Nasaksihan ko ang pag-angat ng sulok ng labi niya kasabay ng pag-ngisi nito.
❝ What about you? You feel the same way? ❞
My hands became numb when I saw him grimaced.
❝ What if I do, kuya Kosmos? ❞
Matapang na sagot ko.
His expression automatically turned austere and dark while showering me with sharp glares.
❝ You’re bluffing, don‘t you? ❞
I diverted my vision in an instant.
❝ How would you know that? You can’t even perceived what my real feelings are. ❞
I whispered mockingly.
❝ Are you guys fighting right now? ❞
Gulat na kuwestiyon ni Beige.
Nanlaki ang mata ko, mabilis kong hinanap ng tingin si ate Lia. She’s just sitting while sorting all the CD’s on the table.
❝ Both of you are figuratively dim-witted. ❞
Tumatawang sambit ni ate Lia kasabay nang pagtayo nito habang hawak ang napiling CD.
❝ And to answer your question awhile ago, Beige. Kosmos and I are not dating. ❞
Animo’y na-blangko ang utak ko ngunit parang may kung anong mabigat ang nawala na kanina ko pa nararamdaman.
❝ If you’ll ask me if I like him? Yes, I do. However, he loves someone else.❞
Tuloy-tuloy na sambit ni ate Lia.
❝ Lia, stop. ❞
Malakas na singhal ni Kosmos na nakapag pagtigil sakanya.
It doesn’t change anything, he’s still into someone.
I see.
❝ OMG! Who’s the lucky girl, kuya? ❞
Beige questioned excitedly.
❝ I’m the lucky one, Beige. ❞
He responded as he fixed his eyes towards me.
---
❝ Advanced Happy New year. Baka hindi tayo magkita sa bagong taon kaya ngayon nalang. ❞
Nakangiti akong tumango kay Rio.
Dahan-dahan nitong inaalalayan ang bisikleta niya habang sumasabay sa’kin sa paglakad.
❝ Pupunta ka ba sa bahay nila Beige? Hatid na kita. ❞
Walang paga-atubiling presinta niya.
❝ Rio, you know what I feel towards you right? ❞
Nahihiyang sambit ko ngunit wala atang epekto sakanya dahil malawak pa ring nakapaskil ang ngiti sa labi niya.
❝ I know, Bleux. I won’t force you, I just want us to be friends. I won’t ask for more— just friends. ❞
I took a deep breath.
❝ Can you send me off to lola Feli’s house then? ❞
Nagliwanag ang mukha nito at mabilis na tumango.
❝ Careful, Rio. ❞
Paalala ko nang tuluyang makaupo sa angkasan ng bisikleta.
❝ Yes ma’am. ❞
Mula sa hindi kalayuan ay natanaw ko na agad ang nakatayong si Beige sa labas ng gate. Beside her are Kosmos and ate Lia.
Nakangising mukha ni Beige ang bumungad sa‘min ni Rio nang huminto kami sa harap nila.
❝ Hi, Rio! ❞
❝ Sup, Beige. Advanced Happy New year pala. ❞
Sagot nito.
❝ Thank you so much, Rio. ❞
Natutuwa kong turan kasabay ng mahinang pagtapik ko sa braso nito ngunit napapitlag ako nang marinig ang pag-ubo ni Kosmos sa gilid namin.
❝ Mind to introduce us? ❞
Matigas na usal nito habang sinusuyod ng tingin si Rio.
❝ Rio these are kuya Kosmos and ate Lia. ❞
Puno ng pagtatakang sambit ko.
❝ Nice to meet you po. Bleux, mauuna na pala ako. ❞
Biglaang sabi nito habang nakahawak sa batok.
❝ Uuwi ka na? ❞
Tanong ko rito.
❝ Why? you don’t want him to go? ❞
May bahid ng panunuya sa boses ni Kosmos na siyang nagpa kunot sa noo ko.
❝ Sige, Rio. See you again. ❞
Inundayan ko ng masamang tingin si Kosmos nang maka-alis si Rio.
❝ What’s your problem? ❞
Iritang tanong ko bago siya nilagpasan.
---
❝ Look, i’m sorry. ❞
Napa-irap ako sa hangin nang umupo ito sa tabi ko.
Abala si Beige at ate Lia sa kusina upang tulungan sa pagluluto si Lola Feli.
❝ It’s okay kuya Kosmos. ❞
❝ Kuya. ❞
I jinked my gaze when he laughed contemptuously.
❝ You said i’m not your brother.❞
He mocked.
❝ I was wrong about that. I should act with courtesy towards you. ❞
Hindi ko alam kung bakit pinipigil ko ang sarili ko mula sa paghinga sa t’wing malapit siya.
❝ What if I say...I don’t like it. ❞
He whispered.
Mabilis akong tumayo at gulat siyang tinignan.
I can feel my heart walloping frantically.
❝ What? ❞
He runs his fingers through his hair while snickering in an acutely refined manner.
That’s so illegal.
❝ Bleux. ❞
He dropped his glance onto the space that‘s dividing us. He let a loud sighed and sneer.
❝ You don‘t even know how hard it was. Whenever you were stuck in my head; driving me completely insane. Until it gets difficult for me to comeback here. ❞
He uttered in a low tone. He’s almost whispering.
His smile is feigned.
❝ But the cognizance of infatuation turned into something unfathomable. I can’t hold back no longer, Bleux. ❞
❝ I don’t understand.❞
My hands started to be sweaty.
Are we on the same page right from the start?
He stood up.
❝ Kosmos, enlighten—
I was squeezed with bewilderment as he willfully obliterate the amount of distance that’s separating us. He clasped my waist; slowly encircling his arm around my belly.
His stares travelled to my lips till it bounce back to my eyes.
❝ Between us was a thick barrier until it became paper-thin. Now, it turned invisible and vulnerable. ❞
❝ What will you do if I dare to cross that? ❞
He uttered huskily— making me lose my sanity once again.
I’m holding my every breath because of his presence.
❝ Do you love me? ❞
Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko nang ngumiti ito dahil sa itinanong ko.
Isang mabilis na tawa ang pinakawalan niya bago muling nagsalita. Napaka sarap sa tainga ng tawa at halakhak kapag nanggagaling sakanya.
❝ It’s ridiculous because I can’t even remember the very first time I felt that I am in love with you. How can I forget something that made a huge difference in my life? ❞
❝ I love you—for so long as I can reckon. ❞
My feet quiver when he tightened his grip around my waist; snuggling his face on my neck.
❝ Bleux. ❞
He stated with a sweet baritone voice.
❝ Hmm? ❞
❝ Can we give it a try? ❞
A smile crept from my lips— an overwhelming flush encroaches across my cheeks; leaving me barely breathing.
❝ We can try, Kosmos. ❞
I phrased while bearing every moment as though each seconds could last for a lifetime.
He was my wonderwall; that one person who could take all my breath away with just a simple glance. That one particular person I cannot stop thinking all the time. But now, I can gladly says that my heart is not filled with mere admiration and wonder anymore.
My heart is pounding because I am in love— with a man named Kosmos; and being able to be loved by the same person is just a bonus.