su·i·cid·al
/ˌso͞oəˈsīdl/
adjective
adjective: suicidal
deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide.
"far from being suicidal, he was clearly enjoying life"
relating to or likely to lead to suicide."two weeks later I was admitted for depression and suicidal tendencies"
(Play the song above)
They tell me keep it simple.
"Is she ready?"
I tell them take it slow.
"Yes... finally... it worked. I succeeded."
I feed and water an idea so I let it grow.
"Bring her to Squadron-"
I tell them take it easy.
"Yes sir."
They laugh and tell me no.
Ha... you thought the beginning would be happy? Think again.
It's cool but I don't see them laughing at my money though.
I was practically dragged to a door. The masked woman who was "walking" me to the room opened the door.
They spitting facts at me.
"This is Y/n L/n. She'll be joining you in your squadron."
I'm spitting tracks, catch me?
"But she's, like, two years younger!" I stuck my tongue out a little, but was too scared to do anything more.
I'm spinning gold out my records, know you can't combat me.
"Silence, Catra." This caught my interest, because the whole ears and tail thing. I walked in and put on the horde pajamas Shadow Weaver told me to.
They tell me Jesus walks.
"Only big and tough kids get top bunk." The girl that Shadow Weaver called "Catra" said.
I tell them money talks.
As angry as a 3 year old could get, I grabbed a spare pillow and a blanket and threw them on the floor.
Bling got me chill, 'cause I'm living in an ice box.
I proceeded to lay down on the ground with my head on the pillow and the blanket somewhat cushioning the ground. I huffed and closed my eyes.
They tell me I've been sleeping.
Bright sun rays hit me as I slowly opened my eyes, more comfortable than I remembered being last night. I looked around to see that I was no longer on the floor, but on the spare bed that was in the corner. "Oh, look! She's finally awake!"
I say I'm wide awake,
"Wh- hey! Why did you do that?!" I pouted. "I didn't want you to do that." A girl with brown dreadlocks gave me a look. "You gotta sleep comfortably otherwise you're gonna be all sore during training." She said. I got dressed and walked to the training room by myself, following my instinct and surprisingly not getting lost. The others got there and the training exercise began.
Tracks hot and ready, so they call me Mister Easy-bake.
"YES! That was so easy!" Catra said once the exercise was over.
They say the grass is greener,
"Same as always." A blondie said.
I think my grass is dank.
I hid silently in the corner, tired and sweaty. I didn't want somebody to notice me and embarrass me. But somebody did. "Did you see how the new kid hid behind me? She looked super scared." Another blonde said, but this time it was a male and his hair was messier.
Driving with the drank on an empty tank to the bank.
"Yeah. I never thought anyone would hide behind you, Kyle." The girl with the dreadlocks snickered. A lizard boy smiled(?) and nodded. The male that I presumed to be Kyle got really angry and everyone just bursted into laughter.
Do you feel me? Take a look inside my brain.
I tried to hide deeper into the shadows, but the cat girl felt my presence, somehow. "Hey, why you hiding? Embarrassed?" She teased. I looked down.
The people always different, but it always feels the same.
She seemed to notice and walked over to me. "Hey, don't be. My name is Catra." Catra held out her hand. I just backed away, still terrified of everyone. The female blonde walked over to us as well. "I'm Adora!" She smiled. "That's Lonnie," She pointed to the girl with dreadlocks. "That's Kyle," She pointed to the male blonde. "And that's Rogelio!" She pointed to the lizard boy. "You're Y/n, right?" I nodded. "Wanna be friends?" Catra seemed to flinch at this, but didn't say anything. I just trembled and went to our room.
That's the real me, pop the champagne.
I started crying. I didn't know what to do.
The haters wanna hurt me and I'm laughing at the pain.
I lied down on my bed and wondered why I was trying to escape. I may have been 3, but I had a brain. I knew that if I wanted to survive in this scary place, I was going to need to toughen up.
Staying still, eyes closed. Let the world just pass me by.
I stayed on my bed and ignored the people that walked in. I ignored the things they said to me, I ignored the questions they asked. I ignored a tan hand waving in front of my face.
Pain pills, nice clothes. If I fall, I think I'll fly.
Somebody pushed me. I knew that they just meant to nudge me a little, but I ended up falling off the bed. I quickly caught myself and sat on the bed, rooting myself with my claws. "Catra!" scolded a voice I recognized to be Adora's. "What? I didn't mean to push her off the bed!"
Touch me, Midas. Make me part of your design.
I just huffed and turned still as stone. I didn't want to socialize because A, nobody likes socializing on their first day, B, I still had the idea that I needed to toughen up, C, I was still scared of everyone.
A few weeks later, I still refused to talk to anyone is my squadron. It was three weeks of me hiding behind them, hiding in the shadows after training, and lying on my bed, slowly nibbling at my ration bar. But one day, I somehow managed to find cadets from another squadron. They bumped into me, on purpose, and glared at me.
None to, guide us.
"Hey! What was that for?!" One of them yelled. I saw a white haired... IS SHE A SCORPION?? Well, she just tried to hold them back, but failed. An older kid punched me and another threw me to the ground. "Hey, guys. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this." The scorpion girl said. I let the first tear shed in a few weeks.
"Hey! Leave her alone!" I looked to the side to see Adora and the others. My face lit up a bit, but I couldn't say the same for the cadets that were bullying me. "Oh shoot, isn't that Shadow Weaver's favorite?" "Yeah, if we're caught messing with her, we're done for." They ran off, shouting the classic stuff like "We'll be back!" and "Don't think this is over!" I glanced at the proud faces right beside me. "T-Thank you..." I mumbled. I thought a bit. "Sorry for ignoring you so much..." Adora smiled widely and I saw a slight grin on Catra's face. "That's okay! Wanna be friends now?"
My eyes widened. "Even after I ignored you?" Catra's grin widened a bit. "Yeah, clearly you need to be protected, and we're just the people to do it." Kyle's eyes lit up. "We could be your pretend older siblings!" He said. Adora and Catra glanced and nodded at each other. "What's a family without moms? Me and Catra can play the moms!" Adora smiled.
I feel fear for the very last time.
They tell me that I'm special.
"You must feel lucky that you got the other cadets to protect you." Shadow Weaver pulled me into the Black Garnet chamber to talk.
I smile and shake my head.
"It means I'm weak, right? If they want to protect me, that's okay. But I need to be strong for myself." I fiddled with my thumb.
I'll give them stories to tell friends about the things I said.
"Yes, if you wish to survive in the Horde, you need to become stronger."
They tell me I'm so humble.
"And that is why I called you here. So I can make you stronger."
I say I'm turning red.
"R-Really?"
They let me lie to them and don't feel like they've been misled.
"Yes. As a new recruit, you require some extra training."
They give so much to me!
"Okay..."
I'm losing touch, get me?
Shadow Weaver reared her hand back.
"OW!-" I reached up to my left eye, only to feel blood over scratch marks.
Served on a silver platter, ask for seconds, they just let me.
"You get into a fight with a scar on your face. What do you do?" Shadow Weaver asks. I tremble a bit. I ball my hands into fists.
They tell me I'm a god!
I put my fists up, get into a fighting stance and look directly into Shadow Weaver's eyes. Or, at least the eyes of her mask.
I'm lost in the facade!
"Oh? You fight back, eh?" She asks. I only gulp and ball my fists tighter.
6 feet off the ground, at all times.
"C-Come at me, Shadow Weaver! I'm not afraid!"
I think I'm feeling odd.
"You are quite brave."
No matter what I make,
"And just for that, I suppose I'll help you with an excuse to protect the rest of your squadron."
They never see mistakes.
I walked back to our room, with a bandage over my left eye. "What happened to you?!" Catra exclaimed. I smiled a bit and motioned for her to calm down. "I was just roaming the Fright Zone and I got scratched by a machine on accident. I'm fine, really." They looked over with concern, but brushed it off.
Making so much bread, I don't care that they're just being fake.
I looked over at my "family". They looked concerned for me, but didn't press. I was grateful.
They tell me they're below me.
"Hey, Y/n! Want top bunk tonight? For being so tough with your scar." Kyle offered.
I act like I'm above.
"yeah... I guess..."
And people blend together, but I would be lost without their love.
Can you heal me? Have I gained too much?
I touched the bandage. I couldn't begin to comprehend anything, I was 3.
When you become untouchable, you're unable to touch.
I lied down on the bed, and shifted a bit.
Is there a real me? Pop the champagne.
I closed my eyes and tried to focus on good thoughts.
It hurts me just to think, and I don't do pain.
Stayin still, eyes closed. Let the world just pass me by.
Pain pills, nice clothes. If I fall, I think I'll fly.
Touch me, Midas. Make me part of your design.
None to, guide us. I feel fear for the very last time.
Lay still, restless. Losing sleep while I lose my mind.
Y/n...
All thrill, no stress. All my muses left behind.
Who are you? What is happening?
World is, below. So high up, I'm near divine.
Y/n...
Lean in, let go. I feel fear for the very last time.
(A/n) that was so long it took like two days to write holy crap-
well thank you for reading this.
Big shout out to someonehelpowo and IJustWantAHug_ for heavily inspiring this story.
1903 words