2014
2 days and 7 hours.
That's how long it had been since we'd started dating.
Not that I was counting.
Everything felt so new and different. I felt like I hadn't been happier than this in my entire life.
And maybe that was true. I had this constant urge to tell him everything that happened in my life. And I did. We used to chat late into the night every day, talking about ourselves, our day, etc.
Our conversations had started out simple. "What's your favourite colour?" simple. But soon we were talking about anything and everything under the sun. Getting to know each other. Right now, I was telling him about how I almost fell down in my society while playing today while he was bombarding my chat with laughing emojis. He had told me about his younger sister, who by the way, is the cutest creature on this planet, and her shenanigans.
Dating was so much fun. I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow morning.
***
It was the Short Break right now. I was standing outside his classroom, pretending to be interested in the charts tacked onto the soft board outside his class door. Their class was getting extended. Teachers never followed the bells but we were always expected to. What kind of hypocrisy is this.
I had meant to meet him in the zero period today but I had gotten late to school. The zero period was basically the 20 minutes before classes started and everyone had already reached school. I had missed that and five minutes of the first period too. Thank god I hadn't gotten a late remark.
My thoughts were interrupted by the teacher exiting the classroom.
Finally!
I thought to myself.
He had seen me standing outside the class and within minutes he was outside, grinning at me like the damn Cheshire cat.
I grinned back at him.
"How's life?" I asked him as we started making our way around the corridors. We made sure to avoid my class because no one in our friend group knew yet.
"Bahut boring," he shrugged at me. (Bahut - Very)
"Heyy! Mai hoon na tumhari zindagi mai, toh interesting kyun nahi hai?" I pretend to get offended, lightly slapping him on the arm before folding my own arms and looking straight ahead, putting on a serious expression. (Heyy! When I am in your life, how can your life be boring)
"Accha baba, tumhari wajah se bahut interesting hai, khush?" (Fine fine, it's really interesting because of you. Happy now?)
"Hanji! Yeh hui na baat," I laugh at him, and I take his hand, intertwining our fingers. That was about as far as we'd gone yet. But slow and steady I guess. (Yeah! That's more like it)
He looks down at our hands and smiles back up at me.
That's when the bell rings, indicating the end of the break. Everyone starts scrambling to get to their respective classes on time.
"See you in the lunch break," I said to him. I wanted to hug him but there were too many people watching. Besides, we hadn't really hugged ever so that would be very awkward I guess.
"Yeah see you!" He replies and we part ways.
I came back to the class just in time for the next teacher. As I sit down next to Pragya, she asks me,
"What's up with the both of you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You and Anquit, I saw you guys walking in the corridors. You guys seemed close."
"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied. I just didn't want anyone to know that we were in a relationship yet. It felt like too soon. I was sure about my feelings for him and his for me but I wanted to see if this was actually going anywhere before we told anyone about it. I had told Anquit the same thing and he'd agreed with me, and I was glad we were on the same page with that.
"She just raises her eyebrows at me but doesn't question me further as ma'am has already started teaching and none of us wanted to get scolded for talking in class.
***
2021
"Oh my god! I have never seen a bigger car in my life!"
He was pulling my leg, referring to my Nano, which is probably the smallest car in the market.
"Are you, Anquit whatever-your-middle-name-is Sharma, being sarcastic?"
"No no I'm telling the truth!"
"Sure!" I rolled my eyes at him as I unlocked the car, making my way towards the driver's seat. I raised my eyebrows at Anquit, who was moving to sit in the backseat.
Seriously? He can sit in the passenger seat. It's not like I'm a monster who's going to attack him.
"Do I look like a driver to you?"
"Yes...you're driving, right?" He said hesitantly.
How is he so dense?
"Saamne baitho na please. I'm not doing some ehsaan on you by dropping you home. Don't make it feel like one." (Please sit in the front seat. Ehsaan- big favour)
"My middle name's Ramesh by the way," He said, out of the blue. I kind of knew that though.
Well, to be fair I only remembered that it started with R. Close enough.
"Ohh, will keep in mind."
"So you can play the full name card on me again?" He asked jokingly.
"Maybe," I shrugged back at him, my lips pulling into a smile of their own accord.
I connected my phone to the aux cable, putting my playlist on shuffle.
"It's fine if I put songs right?"
"Yeah yeah, it's your car, do whatever you want,"
The first song that played had me squirming in my seat. Afterglow? Seriously?
I still remember listening to this song on loop and crying back then. The only song that has always reminded me of him. Taylor Swift and the accuracy of her lyrics ugh.
Of all days, this had to happen today? I quickly pressed next, not wanting it to get awkward between us in the car.
"You can play some specific songs if you want to," I said to him, handing him the phone, with Spotify open on it.
"But no snooping!" I added as an afterthought. I didn't have anything to hide per se on my phone but the thought of someone going through my phone made my skin crawl.
"Yes ma'am!"
"Thank you, and please, don't call me ma'am"
"Ok ma'am,"
"I am this close to-" I held up my hand, with my index and thumb finger millimeters away, to emphasise the distance "-leaving you stranded here Anquit so watch it."
"Fine fine. Sorry!" He raised his hands in mock surrender, trying to hide his smile.
Now that's more like it.
It all felt so familiar. Our banter. So easy to fall back into such light-hearted conversation. As if nothing had ever happened. The rapport that we shared back then kept coming back to make an appearance. Or maybe it had never really left.
None of us said anything for a long time, just listening and vibing to the music while I drove and Anquit busied himself with watching the roads. I was singing along to all the songs in my head. On other days, I would be belting out the lyrics in the car but I had embarrassed myself enough for one day.
When Tere Mere from the movie Chef started playing, I did a happy dance in my head. Ah such a classic. I love this song. But imagine my surprise when literally 30 seconds later Anquit skipped the song.
"Heyy!" I almost squealed.
"What?" He grumbled back.
Woah ok what's with the sudden bad mood?
"Why'd you change the song?"
"My wish," He shrugged. He seemed very aloof all of a sudden. And here I thought we were making progress. I decided not to push it and just let him be. He was fidgeting with his fingers. The way he did when he was frustrated with something back in school. Ok so he's mad at something. Or someone. Me? But what did I do?
"By the way can you please put your house or wherever you want me to drop you on Google Maps on my phone?"
"Hmm," His response was barely audible over the music in the car. I don't know what I'd done to piss him off. For fear of making him angrier or pulling out skeletons from the closet, I kept quiet and pretended not to notice the change in the atmosphere.
When Mehrama came on, I almost cringed. Why God why?
Me skipping the song would be too suspicious. So the only thing I could do was pretend I didn't realise that the lyrics of the song were basically us. I should take classes on how to make a situation awkward. I would be the best teacher ever.
This was not my fault though, technically speaking.
Dear Spotify, I hate your shuffle algorithm.
A little while later we were standing in front of a society with very tall brownish towers. The building had to have had at least 25 floors.
So this is where he stays? Nice.
"Goodnight, " He said, preparing to alight from the car.
"Bye and goodnight!" I replied.
He moved to remove the seatbelt. But it had gotten stuck. He kept unsuccessfully trying to free it for the next 15 or so seconds.
"Need any help?" I asked him, leaning towards the passenger seat, trying to figure out what was wrong with the seatbelt. We both had our attention on the seatbelt holder, the button used to release the belt was not working. Suddenly our heads collided and I looked up only to see him staring at me.
That was when I realised how close we were to each other.
We were both staring into each other's eyes, breathing, quite literally, the same air. After about half a minute of that staring game, his eyes darted down to my lips. I involuntarily licked them. Which, in hindsight, was a mistake. We stayed like that for a while, me staring at him staring at my lips. He looked into my eyes again and started leaning in, tilting his head slightly to the right, the seatbelt and the struggle of removing it now forgotten. I looked down at his lips, the thought of kissing them crossing my mind, the memory of how they felt all those years ago. I moved towards them, leaning in. My heartbeat picked pace, my thoughts running wild. All our past together kept flashing in front of my eyes like a movie. I closed my eyes, anticipating what was about to happen. Our lips were inches away from touching. That's when her face flashed in front of my eyes.
I pushed him away, moving back towards my seat as he leaned back in his, both of us breathing heavily.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I wasn't blaming him for what just happened or more like what almost happened, that was my fault too. I was mad because he almost cheated on his fiancee. And if I hadn't stopped us, then god knows what would've happened. Saishree deserves better than this.
"You have a freaking fiancee! How can you just-" I waved my hands in the air, frustrated at what was happening. "Thank god anything didn't actually happen or I would have never been able to forgive myself. Seriously?!"
"Look-" He started to speak.
"I don't want to hear it, dude. Please keep your reasons to yourself. I don't think anyone of us can explain away what just happened. You should tell her about this. Wait does she even know everything? Shit, sab gadbad ho gaya." (Everything's messed up). My elbows were on the steering wheel and I was holding my head in my hands. For a minute I had forgotten that we are supposed to be strangers. I was freaking out. And nothing had even happened. How did we even get here?
"Please let me just explai-"
"Kya explain karoge? Ki we got carried away?" (What will you explain? That we got carried away?)
More like CAR-ried away
I thought to myself.
Now's not the time for jokes Ish shut up.
"I don't want to know. I'm sorry but please leave, I need some space." I said, ignoring my brain's stupid thoughts.
"I would, but the seatbelt-" He said hesitantly, pulling at it to emphasise his point, "-is still stuck,"
Oops! Had forgotten about that.
I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I didn't know what to say to that. "Oh, um-I'm-uh-I'll help you with it?" I finally stuttered out while he looked at me amused.
Dammit, I was embarrassed once again.
What a track record Ish.
I had yelled at him five minutes ago. This time, when we went back to making the seatbelt thingy freaking work, I kept my distance, and so did he.
Finally, it worked and the seatbelt got removed. He got up and almost ran out of the car.
I leaned back in my seat, taking deep breaths, thinking about everything that had just happened. Had I overreacted? Maybe. Should I apologise? Maybe. But do I want to talk to him? No.
What a dilemma.
God help me.
In all honesty, I was scared. Terrified even, of the things that could happen. We were barely good at making conversation and I had no clue what overstepping boundaries like this would mean for us.
What were we even?
Friends? To an extent maybe.
Strangers? That's what we were supposed to be.
Acquaintances? But we knew each other far too well for that.
Or, dare I say it, more than friends? Definitely not.
For so many years, it had been out of sight out of mind for me. I had, with time, forgotten him. But here we were. He was back in my life and all of the regret, guilt, nostalgia that I was pretty sure I was done away with was coming back. And so were my feelings for him. I thought I was over it, but apparently not. Thinking about him always filled me with this heaviness in my heart. I could have done things differently, right? Then maybe, just maybe, we would have still been a thing. Being in his presence made every nerve in my body stand on edge, even now. Everything felt so surreal.
It was all the same right? I was still left confused about what I felt for him and he seemed unaffected as usual. But there was far more to it than that. At least for me. We were still the same people, yet somehow, different. Life had changed the both of us. For the worse or for the better, only time will tell.