Derek's POV
''Oh god!'' I said out of pure shock not realising the intercom was on.
''Wha-wh-what's g-going o-on?'' Meredith stuttered severely though the intercom.
''Meredith, are you ok?'' I noticed Meredith's stuttering, a symptom of her condition.
''I-I'm fine. W-what's going o-on?'' She stuttered.
''Nothing, just relax, it's all good.'' I tried to calm her down. I turned off the intercom and turned to Lexie.
''Holy crap!'' Was all Lexie could manage to say.
''Holy crap is correct. She's got a massive tumour in her temporal lobe! It looks operable, but we need to find out if it's benign or malignant first.'' I said as I pointed to the shadow on the scan.
''I'll order a biopsy. What do we tell her? She probably thinks she's got alzheimers or something?'' Lexie asked as she reached to grab the phone.
''The truth. We have to tell her the full truth.'' I stood up out of my chair and walked into the scanning room. I helped Meredith out of the machine and into the wheelchair. I gently stroked her hair before kissing her on her forehead. She smiled and rubbed my hand with her thumb before I began wheeling her back to her room. She knew I wouldn't tell her what was wrong until we got back to the room so she didn't even ask. I could tell she was worried, the way she held herself, her presence in the room, the expressions on her face. She was scared out of her mind.
''Meredith.'' I sat down in the chair beside her while Lexie sat on the end of the bed. I grabbed her hand and held it in both of mine. She stared at me looking straight into my eyes, the desperation for an answer.
''W-What's wrong with m-me, D-Derek? It's a-al-alzheimers, isn't it? J-just tell me. Actually d-don't tell me, i-if it's alzheimers, s-s-sq-squeeze my hand.'' She looked down at her hand waiting for me to squeeze it. I never did. She looked at me and a small smile grew on her face, but suddenly dropped when she realised something else must be wrong if it wasn't alzheimers.
''You've got a tumour. In your temporal lobe. Meredith, we need to do a biopsy. I can't tell if it's benign or malignant just by the scan. Usually I could but I want to be extra sure, okay?'' I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it. I placed it back down on the bed and removed my hands from hers. I stood up over her and kissed her on her forehead. She looked at me, tears welling in her eyes, she was speechless. Lexie stood up off the bed and laid down next to her. She cuddled into her sister and began stroking her hair because that's what she would want done to her if she was hurt. I stopped at the door and just admired them for a second, they had such a strong sisterly bond.
Meredith never intended on getting to know Lexie, and look where they are now. Their relationship is something none of us ever expected, but are totally grateful for. Without each other they would have been totally different people.
- - -
I walked into the scrub room and paused for a second. I went to turn on the tap and realised I couldn't. I couldn't do this. I couldn't cut into my wife's scull, play around in her brain and then close her up like nothing happened. My stomach began to flutter, my heart raced and I broke out in a sweat. I pulled off my scrub cap and pulled the exit door. I stood against the wall outside the scrub room and slid my back down the surface until I was sitting on the floor. This whole situation suddenly hit me, just then. Meredith had a tumour and I was about to cut into her brain. I reached for my pager and punched in Amy's code (they still use pagers and paper charts in this story cuz i hate how they use iPads and their phones). I rubbed my forehead with my hand before running both my hands through my hair. Within minutes Amy was standing over me with her hand out for me to grab. I pushed her hand away and stayed seated against the wall outside the scrub room.
''Derek. What's wrong?'' She put her hands on her hips and stood looking down on me.
''It's Meredith.'' I brought my hands to my face and covered my eyes and forehead.
''What?''
''It's Meredith. She's in the OR.''
''Well she is a surgeon... Derek I'm not seeing anything wrong with this situation.'' She crossed her arms and propped one of her legs.
''She's on the table in the OR. She has a tumour. I was supposed to biopsy it but I can't. I just can't do it. I can't cut into her brain, I just can't do it. That's why you're here. I need you to do it.''
''Oh my god. Of course I will do it but Derek, why did you want to do it yourself in the first place?''
''I just wanted it to be perfect. No mistakes. I can't have her die. If she dies, I die. I'll drown and there will be no one to save me.'' Tears flew down my face but I covered my face with my hands.
''I will do my absolute best. I promise. Go to Lexie and Mark, they'll need you and you'll need them. I'll be done in an hour and then we'll know what to do.''
''Okay. The scans are in there. Page me if anything happens, anything at all.'' I wiped my tears away and Amy put her hand out to help me up. I grabbed it and rose to my feet. I pulled my heavy feet along the floor to the attendings lounge.
I sat in the attendings lounge in a daze. All time had stopped, everything was blurry and all sound was distorted. I sat on the uncomfortable chair and just stared. My eyes wouldn't focus on anything because of the built up tears in my eyelids, they tears I refused to let fall in front of anyone who might be in the lounge. I felt a slight tapping on my shoulder and heard muffled words. I couldn't comprehend any of it.
My head jolted sideways and a tingling sensation arose on my right cheek. I opened my eyes and everything was clearer.
''Derek!'' Mark crouched down in front of me. Mark had slapped me. Usually I would have slapped or punched him back but I didn't have the physical or emotional energy to move. I moved my red, puffy eyes to his and just stared for a second, fighting the urge to zone out back into a daze. I wiped my eyes ridding the tears from my eyelids and focused my attention back to Mark.
''Derek. Meredith is out of-'' Mark told me but before he could finish, I jumped out of the chair and ran to her room. ''Surgery.'' Mark finished his sentence once I was already down the hall. I had sat in that daze for over an hour without realising it. Mark and Lexie both stood up and began to follow me to her room. When I arrived, Amelia was in there updating her chart. She held the clipboard in front of her, resting it on her knee that was propped up an a chair. I burst through the door and froze. She closed the chart and put it down on the chair before she walked over to me.
She opened her arms and pulled me in tightly, so tight I was almost suffocating. I knew what she was doing, Meredith sometimes made me do it to her. She was holding me so tight to stop the uncontrollable shaking of my body, to slow the heavy, fast breaths I was taking, to lower my heart rate. I embraced the hug and tears stained her scrub top. I stared at Meredith over her shoulder the whole time, wishing I could run over there and wake her up.
''Wha- What is it? Is it cancer?'' I pulled away from the hug and looked my sister in the eyes. She stared back at me, tears welled in her eyes as she hadn't seen me this upset since our father died.
''No. No it's not. It's benign, Derek! It's benign!'' She pulled out the sheet of paper proving it and handed it to me. I exhaled the breath I had been unconsciously holding and tears welled in my eyes. I brought Amy back into a hug and squeezed her tightly.
''Thank you Amy! I love you, thank you.'' I pulled away from the hug and brushed her cheek with my hand. I quickly moved to the side of Meredith's bed and grabbed her hand and held it in both of mine. Her eyes remained closed as she was still coming off the anaesthetic, the machine next to her beeped steadily.
''So, when she wakes up we'll tell her then rush her to surgery?'' I asked Amy while I continued to admire Meredith.
''That's the plan. Derek, do you want me to do the surgery? Or maybe Tom... I just think it may be better if the surgeon isn't related to the patient. We may not be blood sisters but- you know, I consider her my sister.'' Amy walked around the room a bit, something she did when she was anxious.
''Would you be able to do the surgery? Would it be too hard on you like it was for me? If so, I trust Tom enough to do it. He has some brownie points for saving your life.'' I said with a small smile at the end.
''That's right, he did save my life. He was also my mentor, he taught me everything I know. Derek, I don't think I can do this, the biopsy was challenging enough.'' I nodded in response.
A part of me was glad she couldn't do it. If anything was to go wrong under Amy's watch, I would have blamed her forever. It would have ruined our relationship and created chronic anger and hatred between the two of us. Another part of me didn't fully trust Amy with Meredith's life. Everything Amelia went through, I saw it all. I couldn't help but remember those hardships and my brain kept re-visiting them while I was waiting for the biopsy.
I felt a small movement in the grasp of my hands, Meredith was waking up. I looked up to her face and her eyes fluttered open. When her eyes immediately met mine, relief flooded my body. I removed one of my hands from hers and grabbed the cup of water from the table. I brought the straw to her mouth and she gulped the liquid down.
''Hey.'' She said breathlessly.
''Hey.'' I exhaled as I rubbed my thumb over her cheek.
''You d-don't look sad, your eyes are all dreamy. Does that mean it's not m-ma-malignant?
''It's benign. You've got a grade 1 temporal lobe meningioma. Your stuttering isn't as bad.'' I reciprocated her growing smile.
''So, s-surgery? Where's the papers?'' I nodded and handed them to her. I handed her a pen and she signed on the line.
''Since we fast-tracked your biopsy we can take you into surgery tomorrow. How's that sound?'' She nodded with a smile as I brought her hand to my lips. I kissed it gently. ''I love you, I can't lose you Meredith. The worst case scenarios have been playing through my mind since you collapsed in the OR. First, I thought it was alzhiemers, then when we found the tumour I thought it was cancer. I just- I can't lose you.''
''I don't want you to lose me. I'm just so grateful that it's nothing too serious. No cancer, no alzhiemers yet, no-''
''What do you mean 'yet'?'' I cut her off.
''Well it's in my DNA. I have the gene, I'm gonna get it. You do know that, right?''
''You might not. Miracles happen, don't go all dark and twisty on me.''
''Oh! S-speaking of 'dark and twisty', can you p-please get me Cristina. Please?''
''Of course. Thank you for not dying.'' I kissed her one the lips before walking out of the room to find Cristina.
Within minutes I found Cristina and directed her in Meredith's direction.
Cristina's POV
''Hey!'' I said as I walked through the door of Mer's room.
''Hey! Meredith propped herself up straight and patted her hand on the bed next to her, indicating for me to sit there. I sat down
''So. You're Izzie 2.0 huh?''
''Not quite. I haven't got the stage 4 metastatic cancer part, but other than that...''
''When you passed out on the floor, did you see any dead people?''
''Mmhm. I saw Doc and my mom.''
''What did she say?''
''Oh she just called me ordinary... you know, the usual.'' Meredith laughed as she gently hit my shoulder. Derek told me about her previous stuttering but it seemed better.
''Of course, the usual.'' I laughed with her. ''Are you scared?'' I stopped laughing and became serious.
''For what? Surgery?'' I nodded in response. ''I don't know. I'm scared that something may go wrong and I'll lose you and Derek and the kids. I don't wanna lose you guys.'' She suddenly looked sad. I grabbed her hand and placed it in mine. We sat there for a while, just holding hands and being present with one another. Leave it to us to go from joking around to serious conversations. We ended up falling asleep together, I laid down on the pillow next to her. When I woke up it was dark outside. I saw Derek sitting in the corner of the room like a creep, he scared me to death. I got up out of the bed and walked over to him with my hand on my chest.
''You scared the crap out of me.'' I hit his shoulder.
''I can't leave her alone, Cristina. What if something bad happens and I'm not here? I'd never forgive myself.'' He didn't make eye contact with me, he kept his eyes on Mer.
''You go home. Shower, sleep, eat. I'll stay here and watch her. I won't fall asleep, I promise.'' He turned his head to look at me. He gently nodded and stood up. He walked over to Mer slowly. He kissed her forehead gently as to not wake her. He stroked her hair for a brief second before turning back to me.
''Page me, call me, send someone to get me. If anything happens, anything at all, you let me know, okay?'' He looked me dead in the eye before I nodded in agreement. He smiled quickly and walked out of the room.
- - -
Meredith's POV
''Meredith Grey, 49, grade 1 temporal lobe meningioma, scheduled for surgery today to have it removed.'' My eyes opened to see 4 interns, a resident and an attending surrounding me like I was a lab experiment.
''Her symptoms?'' The resident asked the interns. The eager one that presented the case shot their hand up and began reciting my symptoms.
''Stuttering, memory loss, dizziness, disorientation, difficulty retaining new information-''
''Actually I'm retaining new information perfectly well, and the s-stutter has improved.'' I cut in knocking the intern down a few pegs.
''Okay, that's nice to hear. How are you feeling Chief?'' Tom Koracick said as he closed my chart.
''Well, I was s-sleeping perfectly until I heard the chatter of these eager, young interns. But other than that, fine.''
''Nice to see you've got your sense of humour intact.'' Tom replied with a small laugh.
''Should I add that to her chart?'' The eager intern asked rather seriously. Tom glared at him and the intern kept his mouth shut. It was a stupid question, even the girl with the brain tumour knew that.
With time, everyone exited the room and I was alone for the first time since I collapsed. I exhaled out of relief for some peace and quiet until Derek walked through the door.
''Morning!'' He said with a smile as he kissed me on the lips.
''Hey.'' I replied back reciprocating his happy state. He was obviously rested and fed, that or it's the up before the down and he'll be dark and twisty later. Either way he was in a good mood. He unlocked the wheels to my bed and pressed the nurse button.
''Time for surgery. Ready?'' The nurses scurried into my room and helped Derek push me out of the room and down to the elevator. Once we reached the elevator, the nurses left us and returned back to their station. We entered the elevator and headed to the OR.
''Derek, I don't want you to stress and get all dark and twisty, okay? I'm going to be fine. Tom is a fantastic surgeon, he saved Amelia's life. Everything is going to be ok.''
''I can't help it. So many bad things have happened, I'm not sure how we all made it out alive.'' He laughed.
''Well, just try and remember all those bad times, and remember how we made it out perfectly fine each time. We might have a bit of PTSD, but other than that we're all good.'' I joked as I looked Derek in the eyes. He may have been smiling but his eyes said it all. Everything I said about not stressing went in one ear and out the other. His eye's were not dreamy right now, they were sad, they were scared.
The elevator dinged and he pushed the bed out of the small space. He turned the corner and stopped outside the OR door.
''Meredith, don't die okay? If you die, I'll have no one to save me when I drown. Remember all those years ago, I was drowning in my marriage to Addison and you saved me! I need you, the kids need you, Cristina needs you. You are needed and you are loved. Now, if you see the pretty, bright light... don't go into it! Okay?'' His small smile faded to a sad frown. I placed my hands on his jaw and pulled his lips to mine. Our lips crashed together as I ran my hands through his hair. I pulled away and pecked him again on the lips.
''I wish we could just have 5 perfect seconds.'' I said as I looked into his now dreamy eyes.
''Close your eyes.'' He smiled before I closed my eyes.
''One.'' He kissed my right cheek.
''Two.'' He kissed my left cheek.
''Three.'' He kissed my neck on the right side.
''Four.'' He kissed my neck on the left side.
''Five.'' He kissed my lips. ''How was that?'' My body was tingling. I don't know if it was the drugs or Derek but it was definitely tingling.
''Almost perfect.'' I said with a smile. He kissed my lips again.
''Five almost perfect seconds. You can have five more when you get out of surgery.'' I laughed and the nurse wheeled me away. Our hands slowly separated with the growing distance between us.
Derek's POV
Hours had past and I had tried my hardest not to stress, not to be dark and twisty. Meredith explicitly told me not to worry, she told me everything would be fine, but I hadn't head a single thing from Tom or the residents assisting. Over the past 4 or 5 hours, I had cried sporadically. I tried to stay strong but with each passing hour it became more difficult. My eyes became heavy and tired. Slowly they closed and I drifted off to sleep. I'm glad I fell asleep, it passed the time quicker, it stopped me from consciously worrying, it stopped me from sporadically crying.
During my sleep I had dreams. Dreams of the possible different scenarios that could have happened. The first part of the dream was about Mer getting alzheimer's, and me having to remind her of who I was everyday. The second part was if she got cancer and had to undergo treatment and recovered. The third part was if she got cancer, suffered for a long time and then died. And the last part was that she died in surgery. I wished I could sleep without the dreams. Just mental silence. I wish...
''Derek!'' I was instantly awoken by a frantic Lexie. She was tapping me on the shoulder trying to wake me up. I rubbed my red eyes and quickly stood up realising there was a situation.
''Is she awake? Is she ok?'' I asked as I held Lexie's shoulders. Mark was standing behind Lexie watching the situation.
''She's awake, she just woke up. I think she's going to be fine!'' I dropped my forehead onto Lexie's shoulder and hugged her. Mark walked closer and pulled me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder disobeying the toxic masculinity expectations that men don't cry. I disregarded all of society's male expectations showed my vulnerable side to my best friend, like I had been all day.
We rushed to Merediths ICU room. We were running but it felt like I was walking in slow motion. Time could not go slower. We finally reached her room and I rushed to her bedside. I grabbed her hand and held it in both of mine. I brought my head down and rested it on my hands that were holding hers. She laid there unconscious, her ventilator hissing with every breath she took.
I sat there for hours, hoping and praying the next minute would be the one she woke up. And then it finally happened. She moved her fingers. I stared at her in awe of her, hoping and praying she would open her eyes or say something. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at me visibly concerned with the tube down her throat. I stood up quickly and removed it before sitting back down in the chair.
''Derek?'' She breathed. I exhaled and tears began falling out of my eyes.
''One.'' I kissed her right cheek.
''Two.'' I kissed her left cheek.
''Three.'' I kissed her neck on the right side.
''Four.'' I kissed her neck on the left side.
''Five.'' I kissed her lips. ''How was that?''
''Perfect.''
''Five perfect seconds.''
a/n: omg this is the longest chapter i have ever written holy shit. i'm actually rlly happy with how it turned out. if you have any comments, questions or feedback either comment it or dm me! so sorry it took me so long to post this, i kept getting distracted and shit. but hey, it's finally here a VERY MERDER CENTRIC STORYLINE. enjoyyyy!!!!
ps. i didn't proof read like usual so comment any mistake u find and i'll fix them xxx
word count: 3828 WOAHHH