Good news! The book based on the Black Widow movie will be out this Friday! (if my health doesn't plummet) It means I have two books I'm writing now. So this book will go back to Monday and Friday updates only :)
Monday
Next Monday, Katya waved at Maya as she disappeared into the school. For once, she hadn't stayed inside the car and actually got out, leaning against the door. Obviously, she hadn't done this randomly. And her plan worked when Mason's dad walked up to her, a bit hesitant.
He stepped in her line of sight and gave a small wave. ''Hello. Katya, I presume? I met your wife the other day. Glad to see you're home.''
She painted her stranger-smile on and shook his extended hand, pushing herself off from the car. Natasha hadn't lied and described him exactly right. All conclusions she had taken, Katya could make too. ''Hi. Yes, she told me about that. I'm glad you came up to me, because I think we need to work out the logistics of this playdate today.''
Paul laughed at the word she used. ''Yes. I think it would be handy if I got your number, so I can call you in case something is wrong?'' Katya nodded so he gave her his phone, and she put her number in, handing it back. From his other pocket, he took a small piece of paper. ''And here's my address. I wrote it down for you.''
Katya looked at it. It wasn't that far from the school, luckily. But still on the wrong side of town from which side she drove into. ''Thanks. You didn't have to. Kinda have a photographic memory,'' she chuckled, stuffing it in her back pocket.
''Wow, that must be nice. Never forgetting where you put things, for example,'' Paul laughed, luckily not seeing how her smile faltered for a split-second. If she could, Katya would rip that photographic memory out of her head. Last Friday night was a perfect example of what damage it could do.
''Yeah,'' she laughed along awkwardly, loving how people are so blind to other people's feelings in general.
''Anyway, what do you plan on doing with dinner?'' Paul continued. ''Because I usually cook way too much so Maya could eat with us. If that's okay?''
''Totally fine, as long as it doesn't get later than half past seven or something like that. She needs her sleep and it's about twenty minutes into the city and twenty back.''
''Half past seven, got it. I promise I'll look after her. Don't want you or your wife after me,'' he joked, raising his hands.
Katya chuckled. But when she answered, a serious tone lay under her words. ''You really don't.''
Paul texted her right after school was out, saying he had Maya in his car and was driving home now. Katya relaxed at that, because it would have been awful if it was a big misunderstanding and Maya waited in front of the school without anyone coming for her.
He texted her again around dinnertime. A picture of Maya and Mason sitting next to each other at the table with big smiles. Paul really didn't have to update her every two hours, but probably did it because he didn't want any trouble with them. Besides, this way, they were ensured Maya was fine. More than fine, by the looks of it.
Katya had laughed when Natasha followed her to the car around seven, and without explaining why, jumped into the passenger's seat. She'd been uneasy the whole day but tried not to claim Maya too much, or restrict her because of her own paranoia. They had to learn to let go, which was hard when all they wanted to do was keep her by their sides the whole time.
Paul's apartment was more in the center of the city, in one of the many apartment buildings New York had. To their surprise, not him but his wife opened the door on the third floor, welcoming them in kindly. A quick scan of her told them that she was nice too.
''Come in, come in. They're just finishing up their game.''
Natasha chuckled when she saw the two kids at the dinner table, a Monopoly board between them. Both were too distracted by it to see the women enter. ''Oh no, she managed to rope him into Monopoly too?''
''She was wonderful. You have a beautiful girl,'' Paul's wife beamed, watching the kids. For some reason, Katya had to blush and met Natasha's eyes to see that she was caught off guard as well. Her eyes shone like she was proud, throwing a smile in the brunette's way.
''Hey Red,'' Natasha called out softly, using the nickname Katya rarely used for her anymore. When Maya looked up, Natasha beckoned her over. ''Come on. Put your shoes and your coat on.''
''But the game isn't finished,'' Maya complained with a pout, not moving a single muscle.
Natasha shook her head, a relaxed smile on her lips. ''Don't care. We need to drive back and you need to sleep. I can see your eyes drooping from here.''
Maya let out a sigh, starting to gather the stuff from the table and neatly putting it back in the box. ''Fine.'' It took her another lingering ten minutes to find her shoes and backpack and put her coat on. But then she stood between the two Russians by the front door, waving at Mason with red cheeks. ''Bye.'' Above her head, Natasha and Katya smirked at each other knowingly.
He gave a wave back, even though he stood only three feet away from her. ''Bye Maya. See you tomorrow.''
Nobody talked until they sat in the car and Katya started the engine. ''Did you have fun?''
That was either the right or wrong thing to ask, because Maya dove into an extended story about the afternoon. It lasted the whole car ride. And back home, she fell asleep immediately, tired out by the day.
Thursday
Katya woke up in the middle of the night, an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. She looked around the barely lit room, finding nothing suspicious. But still, something told her she had to wake Natasha. Damn gut feeling.
''Babe,'' she whispered, softly touching her cheek. That was all it took to wake Natasha. Her eyes fluttered open, staying half closed as her eyes found her wife's. But the look in them caused her to fully wake up, alert now.
''What is wrong? Did you have a nightmare again?'' her beautiful raspy voice muttered back, ready to wrap Katya in her arms and whisper reassurances in her ear until she fell asleep. But Katya shook her head. A nightmare wasn't what plagued her.
''No, but something is wrong.'' She had no clue what exactly woke her up, or why her gut said something was wrong. But she knew it was. And Natasha always took her seriously, never waved away her worries or thought she was being dramatic.
''Do you want me to check downstairs?'' she offered, lifting an arm and pushing some of Katya's brown hair behind her ear. Her touch was so gentle that Katya's eyes wanted to close on their own accord.
Before she could answer, a door softly clicked open somewhere inside the house. Both their gazes snapped to their own door, first on high alert until they realized where it came from. Natasha relaxed, running her fingers over Katya's arm while keeping her eyes trained on the door to wait for the inevitable twisting of the doorhandle.
A couple soft footsteps later, said doorhandle was pushed down from the other side, and an hesitant face peeked in. When the girl saw they were already awake, she pushed the door open a bit more.
''Hi honey, what is wrong?'' Natasha whispered, the tiny nightlight in their room lighting up Maya's face just enough to see some leftover fear in her eyes. It was obvious why she was here.
''I had a nightmare. Can I stay with you tonight?'' She was afraid of being a burden, for bothering them, so she looked anywhere but at her moms.
But Katya smiled gently and beckoned her over, breaking away from Natasha to create space between them. She was so glad they were both wearing clothes tonight. ''Of course. Crawl in.''
Maya smiled through her tears and stepped into the room. Silently, she shut the door and crawled onto the bed, under the covers and in between her moms. This didn't happen often, but the Russians weren't the only ones with nightmares. Both of them hugged her close, smothering Maya with the warmth she needed right now.
She relaxed visibly, her stuffed animal in her arms. ''Thank you,'' she breathed, halfway gone to sleep already.
''You're welcome,'' Natasha whispered, pulling the covers up to her chin so she didn't get cold. What a beautiful sight, her two girls together in her arms.
After Katya closed her eyes with a smile, a kiss was pressed to her forehead. And she was just in time to see Natasha press a kiss on Maya's head too and closing her eyes afterwards. Her feet tangled with hers, the only part they could touch now that Maya practically formed a blockade between them. A welcome blockade.
Nobody had any nightmares for the rest of the night.
~~~~~
It was another Friday morning. Exactly a week after the hearing. The weeks flew by when things were both quiet and very hard at the same time. After Natasha woke up, she shook Maya awake for school as well, and let Katya sleep. Usually, that would have been fine. But when Natasha returned from the trip to school, Katya tossed and turned in the empty bed, nobody there to wake her up from her nightmare.
They had gotten worse and more frequent. Both of them had noticed, yet neither spoke of it. It was obvious what had triggered them. The memory of Walker continuously bringing that shield down, the sick noises that accompanied it. Lemar sinking down to the ground, the way his head was tilted. The blood on her hands. Dripping from the shield.
Holding that gun, fighting again, it did more to her than she had ever expected. Katya's career was over, but she hadn't realized that in time. Only when it was too late.
''What do you think about the vote tomorrow?'' Natasha asked, her legs on Katya's lap as they drank their morning coffee on the porch. It was a bit chilly, but the sun shone brightly. Katya had the sleeves of her sweater pulled over her hands, still shivering from the nightmare. She was absolutely exhausted.
The GRC voted on the Patch Act the next day, here in New York, which would move more than twenty million refugees back home to their countries of origin. Apparently, Katya's threat to expose them wasn't sincere enough and they kept denying the refugees their right on a safe home.
With her free hand, she traced patterns on Natasha's shin to distract herself, glancing to her right to see her watching her intently. ''I think it's a very good opportunity for Karli to make a statement.''
Natasha nodded, she had also concluded this. ''Will you be going to help Sam and Bucky if she does?'' she asked carefully. Neither of them had contacted Katya again about any possible leads. In fact, she hadn't heard anything from them.
She shook her head, smiling at the silent wish Natasha had put in there. ''Nah, I think they got it handled. I like it better here, anyway.''
The truth is that she had to stop her hands from shaking every now and then. And in order to protect both herself and her family from any more meltdowns, she simply couldn't go. She couldn't scare Maya like last time. The young girl shouldn't be confronted with stuff like that too much.
But Katya had never been able to fool Natasha. Her smile didn't reach her eyes and she had trouble keeping them open. ''No use lying to me. You know that,'' Natasha said softly, wishing she would just open up and talk to her.
Katya let her facade fall and stopped drawing patterns, instead clasping her cup with both hands. She couldn't do this today. Didn't have the energy. ''Please, not today,'' she whispered.
''Okay.'' It broke Natasha's heart to see how much she was hurting. Wanting to gather her into her arms and hug all her broken pieces back together. ''Any plans today then?'' she changed the topic, which Katya appreciated.
''A trip to the grocery store, but I don't think I have the energy for that,'' she admitted.
''Give me the list. I'll go. You go get some sleep if you think you can.''
Natasha
With two very heavy shopping bags, Natasha came home from the store. She had snuck some extra snacks in there that she knew Katya loved in hopes of making her feel better.
The house was completely silent when she pushed the front door open with her foot. That wasn't unusual, because she did tell Katya to try sleep. But something felt wrong.
''Babe? I'm home,'' She yelled for good measure, just to make sure she didn't think she was an intruder.
Not expecting anyone, Natasha jumped when she walked into the kitchen and saw Katya on the floor.
Her arms were wrapped around her knees, hugging them to her chest, her back against the kitchen island. She sobbed silently, a mess on the floor. Water, pieces of glass, and what looked like cereal around her bare feet.
Natasha dropped the bags and hurried over, her heart pounding in her chest. The glass grinded under her boots when she dropped to her knees next to her wife. Her whole body screamed at her to hug her, but that might not be a good idea now. She had no idea how long she had been sitting here. Because in total, her trip to the store and back had taken about one and a half hours.
''Hey, hey, what happened?'' she whispered, her green eyes taking in Katya's broken expression, the tears on her cheeks. She cursed herself for leaving her alone in this condition.
It wasn't clear if Katya had even heard her, because she didn't react immediately. Eventually, to Natasha's relief, she shook her head, unable to answer vocally. It didn't even matter what had happened. All that mattered was getting her into a better mindset.
''Can I hug you?'' Natasha asked softly.
Katya finally ripped her eyes away from their spot on the floor and looked at her. ''Please,'' she squeezed out, leaning in her direction. Natasha caught her and tugged her head under her chin, keeping one hand on Katya's head and the other rubbing her upper arm. The scent of her wife in her nose helped calm her down, as did her steady heartbeat under her ear.
She didn't sob anymore, but the tears didn't stop for a while. Natasha held her the whole time, prepared to sit there for hours if that's what it took. Luckily, it didn't take that long until Katya calmed down enough to explain, her voice muffled because of the tight hold her wife had on her.
''I tried to sleep, but then I heard something and I thought it was you. But it was too early and then I tripped and I dropped-'' she cut herself off with another sob, looking at the mess on the floor that she had made.
''It's okay. You're okay now,'' Natasha lulled her.
''Jesus, I sound pathetic.'' Katya tried to crawl out of the hug, roughly wiping her tears away like she was ashamed of them. But Natasha took her face into her hands gently, making her look at her.
''You're not pathetic. It's what I'm here for. You pulled me from the edge often enough. Now it's my turn.'' Katya nodded, her eyes watering because of those sweet words and the pure love that radiated off those green eyes. ''Should we call your therapist again? Eliza? I'm getting worried about you and she really seemed to help last time,'' Natasha offered. ''Just think about it. Maybe it's good for you to go out, talk to someone who isn't me.''
Another sob escaped Katya. ''I'm just so tired,'' she admitted, tears falling again.
Natasha pulled her head into her chest again, rocking her back and forth. Her heart clenched and she had trouble swallowing. ''I know, baby. I know.''
''I'm sorry I keep being a burden to you. I want to sleep without stressing about whether or not I'm going to have nightmares. I want to drink red wine without thinking it's blood,'' she muttered frustrated, letting out another sob.
Natasha made her look at her again, her fragile blue eyes looking up at her expectantly. ''You have never been nor will you ever be a burden to me. Are you hearing me? I love you. I'd do anything to help you get through this. But this can't go on. You'll only get worse and you know it.''
''I know.'' Katya averted her eyes, looking at her knees in thought. She sniffed, her tears sticking to her eyelashes. ''Can you call her for me? And drive me there?''
A careful smile broke out on Natasha's lips. Glad she finally admitted she needed help again. Kissing her temple, she nodded. ''Whatever you need, darling.''
To their luck, Eliza had a free spot that same day because another patient had cancelled. Or just because an Avenger called. Who knew?
Katya was nervous as hell, really not wanting to recall all those memories. But in order to get better, she needed to stop bottling it all up. It had her nauseous and fiddling with her sleeves in the passenger's seat, looking at her hands the whole ride over.
Natasha stopped the car in front of Eliza's practice, but Katya didn't get out for another couple minutes, gathering the courage to go. Natasha didn't force her, just sat in silence, which they could forever.
''Here goes nothing,'' Katya eventually said, unbuckling her seatbelt. She sent Natasha a smile, really thankful for all her help.
''I'll be here when you're done,'' she answered, planning on sitting there until Katya would return. She wasn't letting her do this alone.
Katya raised a teasing eyebrow. ''Right here?''
She nodded. ''Right here. Exact spot. Not moving unless a tow truck comes and tows me away. But in that case, I'll call you,'' she joked lightly. Although even if that tow truck came, she would fight the driver first.
''Idiot,'' Katya chuckled humorlessly, shaking her head. Leaning over the middle console, she placed a quick kiss on her wife's lips, planning on pulling away and leaving the car. But Natasha took her chin in her hand and kissed her again, slowly, making sure Katya knew how much she loved her.
''I love you,'' she whispered, watching as Katya's eyes got a bit more warmth at those words. Sometimes, that's all someone needed to hear.
''I love you.''
Katya took one deep breath and pushed the door open, Natasha's eyes following her closely on her way to the front door. To her relief, she stepped in and disappeared inside.
The redhead let her body fall into her chair, exhaling deeply and running her hands over her face. She had to think about something Katya yelled at her a long, long time ago: ''If you are sad, my world is black and grey. For me to be happy, I need you to be happy. You're the only thing I care about.''
Now, the last part might not be particularly true anymore with Maya added to their little family, but the first parts were definitely right. Natasha felt like she could cry herself at seeing her wife struggle like this.
She didn't care about what weather it was anymore, didn't care about whether her pants and shirt fit together, didn't care about what they were eating for dinner. Not while Katya fought so many wars inside her own head. And there's only so much she could do to help.
The world turned blurry until she blinked the tears away and called the only person she thought would be able to give her useful advice. And he picked up immediately, like he wasn't training to be the next Captain America.
''I know you're really busy with training and whatever, but I need your advice,'' she started without any form of greeting, like most of her conversations went if she was impatient.
Because of the tone of her voice, Sam didn't make any jokes. Because he grew worried himself. ''Of course, how can I help?''
Natasha took a deep breath and threw it out. ''It's Kat. She's bad. It's her PTSD again. I just want to know how I can help her. And since you know a lot about this...''
''Yeah, no, of course,'' he answered immediately, throwing away all his original plans to sit down and have this conversation. ''It differs per person a lot, but I can give you some general tips, if that helps?''
With her gaze on the building, Natasha replied. ''At this point, I'll take anything.''
~~~~~~~~
A/N: sorry that this is so sad :( I made myself tear up. I wasn't even planning on this, just kinda happened. Because everything that happened with Walker shouldn't go without consequence. That being said: it won't be so sad anymore after this. I promise.
Small update from myself is I'm still sick. A bit better but something is wrong with my stomach. Went to the doctor's yesterday and she redirected me to the hospital. They couldn't find anything though, so it didn't really help. I'll just have to wait it out and hope it'll get better soon. At least I can sit down and write again. That's good enough for me :)