" Morning sleepyhead." Sebastian was standing infront of the mirror.
" Morning. What time is it?" You fluttered your eyes until they adjusted to the light.
" It's 1 o clock. I let you sleep in since we have a day off."
" Thank you. Where you going?" You saw he was dressed.
" I'm gonna go get some breakfast for us. Well lunch."
" Can I go?"
" How could I say no to this living dead girl."
" Dead girl huh?"
" You look dead." He chuckled just looking at you.
" Oh I can't be that bad." You got up and walked to the mirror.
" Oh you sure about that?"
" OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!! Oh god wake up wake up wake up." You smacked your face lightly.
" I don't think that's gonna work but okay."
" Give me that." You snatch his hair brush out of his hand.
" HEY! I was using that."
" Well too bad now I am. Plus you look good already."
" Really?"
" Yeah you do. At least you don't look like a dead person that came straight out of the grave."
" You look like that one girl from the Tim Burton movie. The corpse bride."
" YOUR SAYING I LOOK BLUE?!"
" NO NO NO" He laughed at you getting worried.
" Let me just brush my hair and see if I look better."
" You want me to help you out?"
" Yes please." You handed him the hair brush. He got scraps of hair and started to brush the bottom and made his way to the top. Mean while you wear trying to look decent. You put on some makeup and saw some change. You put some blush on and notice a difference. You looked at Sebastian from the mirror, he was so concentrated. You knew deep inside he would be a good husband and father. Especially if he has a daughter. He learned how to be patient from you. He learned how to treat a girls hair and just a girl. You taught him how to specially handle a kid. One day you hoped he would have a family. You also hoped one day you would have a family for he can be the god father of your kids. He finally finished brushing your hair.
" Ahh there's my alive y/n."
" Oh shushhhh. Let me get ready." You got up and ran to the closet.
" Ok ill be waiting at the car."
" OKAY!" You screamed from your room. You put on some sweatpants and a long sleeve. You brought a hoodie just incase it was too cold. Of course you got it from Sebastians closet. They were big and fluffy. Bonus that it smelt like him. You put on some fluffy boats and left the trailer. You saw Tom was outside.
" Hey Loki!"
" Ahh little Loki. What are you doing outside in this cold?"
" Me and Sebastian are gonna get lunch."
" Oh are you gonna still go to the club today? Sebastian said I had to take care of you."
" Yeah I'm gonna go but I don't think Im gonna drink so much. Not in the mood for it."
" Ah okay darling. Well I'm gonna go chill in my trailer. If you need something just come in, okay?"
" Yes Loki. Well see yaaa."
" Bye little Loki." He shut his trailer door closed.
Tom was another person you trusted. He taught you a lot about life. You also taught him many things as well. He was always there to take care of you while you got out of rehab or in the hospital for overdosing on the 3 bottles of valium. He really made you laugh. His smile always was contagious, when he smile you also did too.
7 hours later
" Hey I don't think i'm gonna go clubbing today. The lunch is making me have a stomach ache."
" Oh okay. Do you want me to stay here?"
" No no no. Go out have some fun. But don't have a lot of fun cause I have to end up taking care of you when you vomit your guts out."
" You do that plenty of times already so."
" Yeah I still remember all the time I had to sleep against a wall because of you."
" Ahh fun times fun times." He left his room dressed up.
" Woo woo your looking handsome there. Way to handsome."
" Oh stawp your making me blush." He threw his hand and looked the other way. You got up and grabbed his face.
" Who's a handsome man huh?" You squeezed his cheek.
" Me." He said muffled.
" YES YOU ARE. YOU ARE HANDSOMEEEE." You moved his face side to side. You let go of his face and walked back to the sofa. You picked up the book you were reading and looked for the page.
" Okay I think im gonna go."
" Okay well stay safe, don't get drugged, have fun and text me when you get there and on your way."
" okay... MOM."
" shush. Okay love youuuuu." You stretched your arms for a hug. He leaned forward and hugged you. He gave you a kiss on the forehead and let go. He waved bye then closed the trailer door. You knew he was gonna be with the rest of the crew so that gave you a sense of relief. You continued to read the book until it got boring. You scrolled threw instagram and saw Sebastian posted. He took a picture of him and tom smiling. The picture made you smile. You put some Lana del Rey cause the silence in the trailer bothered you. You sang along to 'dark paradise'. 2 hours flew by. You kept replaying the song. You heard a knock on your door. You thought it was Sebastian. You thought he got bored of the club since he always gets bored easily when it comes to bars. You threw your book to the side and got up. You unlocked the trailer door. Chris was standing there with a teddy bear.
" yes?" You raised your left eyebrow.
" i just wanted to give this as an apology, for making you uncomfortable the other night." He extended his arm with the teddy bear.
" thanks? I guess."
" yeah well ima go now."
" mkay.." You saw him walk to his trailer. Something in your gut told you to stop him. You hated when your gut did this to you cause most of the time it was right.
" hey! umm do you wanna come inside? the least I can do since you gave me this." You raised the teddy bear.
" um yeah." Chris walked back to you. You walked inside the trailer and he followed. He closed the door behind him and saw you sitting on the sofa. He stud there like an idiot.
" You know you can sit right?"
" Oh yeah sorry." He broke out of his awkwardness and sat a few feet away from you but still close. There was a tension between you guys. Not even a knife can cut through it. He looked down at the floor and you sat there with your leg taking up the seat next to you. Your back rested on the arm rest. You had the teddy bear on your stomach. You played with its hand. You told yourself " what am I gonna do now? come on gut tell me something, come on gut you got me into this mess so now what." You kept talking to the voice inside you. It kept telling you to confess what you feel. You didn't want to after you told him the other night you hated him. You wanted to shut down again but wouldn't allow that to happen. After all this thinking on about what the fuck you can do. Chris finally speaks.
" Why didn't you go clubbing?"
" umm my stomach hurts soo... why didn't you?"
" I wasn't in the mood to go."
" oh sorry. If you wanted to chill in your trailer you can go."
" no no it's fine. I hate being alone in the trailer. It's too quiet."
" I know..... well um how's dogger?"
" His good. He had surgery but he's all good now."
" Oh that's good."
" What about you?"
" Huh?"
" do you have pets now?"
" yeah I actually do. I got two cats. They're names are Thor and Loki. Their brothers but one of the is black with white and the other is gingerish."
" Oh cool cool. I see why you picked that name for them."
" Yup.."
" Can we talk?" His head shot up and looked at you.
" Umm yeah. About what?"
" The tension we have and stuff."
" I think we did enough talking about it from the other night."
" Yeah but since like we're alone and I really wanna talk about this without a screaming match or anything like that."
" Okay, well you start since you had the idea." You sat up.
" I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know that sorry doesn't do anything but there's nothing else I can. I didn't mean to leave you in the house alone without saying anything to you. I really wish I could take all of that back if I know how you and I would end up like. I'm sorry that i didn't tell you the moment I got back from knives out. But you seemed so happy and you deserved it. Even if it was eating me up from the inside. I held onto something that wasn't as valuable as our relationship or even friendship. Ana just made me feel good at the moment cause I was fucking horny and stupid. I didn't mean to hurt you in Bora Bora like that. I'm sorry that I let you leave me and I'm sorry you had to see me in the bar with her. I don't know what came over me and I still don't. The only thing I want from is not to hate me, I know its a lot to ask for but I can't imagine someone I loved at some point in time would hate me. Especially you. The only thing I can ask for is forgiveness and that's all I can do."
" Your right.. sorry's don't cut it but I understand how you feel. I've felt the way before. I still don't know why I'm torturing you for it. But I still understand that your hurt. It will take year to heal after you think someone is the one. And I know that from experience. Chris.."
" Yeah?"
" I don't hate you.. like at all. But I just take my anger out on you because I'm like really really hating myself right now. I'm sorry for that but I just don't know what to do."
" You hate yourself?" He got up and moved a little closer to you.
" Yup.. It's just for some reason that I can't seem to let go. It's hard to talk when you can't put the right words to talk."
" Are you scared..?"
" mhm." You nodded while trying to hold back the tears.
" don't be scared.. please." his voice cracked.
" i have too."
" w-why?"
" cause im scared that ill never be able to let you go, but i need too."
" you haven't let go? after all the time I caused you pain?"
" after 2 years of torture, i still haven't let go of you. Love is when you hurt like hell but still miss the person who hurt you." Now you know what your gut is telling you. Your git is now talking. " chris I still love you.. that's why I hate myself." You continued. " I hate myself because I keep loving you after seeing you move on from me."