2 days till it's over with.
MJ had locked herself in her art room. She didn't wait for her Mom and Oliver to spew her some bullshit about how everything would be okay. As soon as Peter's taxi had left the driveway, she'd run downstairs, locked the door behind her, and cried for hours. She'd cried till she thought she was going to vomit - but she couldn't leave that room.
She just wanted to be alone. With her art around her, and the grey walls, and the velvet couch that she had lay on with Peter a few days ago when he had told her everything, and all she could think about was what was inside her, and how dishonest she was being.
It was like nothing he said even mattered at all.
Her head was starting to throb a little now. It still hurt to move her arms. They were definitely healing but the bandages were still heavy, and now Peter wasn't here to change them and talk to her about something random. Pretend she hadn't stolen the pocket knife from the kitchen that morning and intended to hurt herself. Pretend she wasn't depressed. Pretend like she could cope when he was gone.
She was crying again. The tears fell hot and fast down her cheeks. She reached to fiddle for the necklace round her neck, and remembered it wasn't there anymore. She'd given it back to him. Not because she wanted to, but because she felt he deserved to have it back. Now, she was even more upset.
"MJ. Honey?"
She heard Ally's voice behind the door, and her heart sank.
Please just go away, Mom.
She lay down with her back to the couch carefully, still inconsolable. She was trying to be quiet, but she was pretty sure her Mom could still hear her sobbing and sniffing through the door.
"Baby, it's been four hours. Please come out and eat something."
She thought of Peter on his flight back to New York. He'd never flown alone. He was all by himself, thousands of feet up in the air. And though MJ knew he was going to be fine, she felt this guilt in her chest that she wasn't there to hold his hand when there was a little turbulence. Utter some pointless words of reassurance. Kiss his cheek and smile and just be there.
She wiped her eyes for what felt like the thousandth time and touched her fingers softly to her stomach again.
2 days and I'll be all alone again.
MJ heard the sound of her Mom fiddling with the lock of the door. She sighed heavily as her Mom pushed the door open slowly, and closed it behind her. She hated the fact that her Mom had an extra key to every door. MJ didn't even have the strength to look at her. Her eyes were staring up at the ceiling blankly. Ally made her way towards MJ tentatively, kneeling beside her on the couch. The smell of the Armani perfume she was wearing was making MJ nauseous.
MJ swallowed thickly, her breathing still widely irregular. It was like she'd been having a panic attack for four hours straight. She'd become accustomed to feeling this way.
"Baby, please breathe." Ally whispered, putting her fingers in MJ's hair softly, and massaging her head.
It was soothing, but it was like her body was rejecting everything that tried to calm her down. She just wanted to be sad and angry and beat herself up for letting him go.
Ally wiped MJ's cheeks with the back of her hand. MJ could feel her mother's eyes on her. She knew Ally and Oliver were extremely worried about her and trying not to show it. They'd practically robbed the whole house of everything she could remotely use to harm herself. There were no sharp objects in sight. No ropes or wires. It was like they were baby proofing the house.
And not for the actual baby.
"When you're ready, you can talk to me." Ally reassured MJ.
Sometimes, it was weird when her Mom behaved like an adult, MJ thought. Maybe it was just in their genes to be royal fuck ups. After all, Ally had been a huge addict when MJ was younger to cope with all her problems. It was what ruined their 'family.' It was what made Ally lose custody of her own child. And now she was trying to win MJ back. And MJ had decided that she didn't really care how things ended anymore - she just wanted things to end.
MJ closed her eyes, exhausted. She was awake the whole of last night, hoping Peter would change his mind and come and lay with her one last time. But he didn't. And though it was for the best, it had still hurt like hell. A glimpse into her new reality, alone in her head with her own thoughts.
She needed to talk to someone.
"I just...feel like..." MJ stammered, her voice barely a whisper.
Ally was already starting to nod, like she was programmed to comfort MJ no matter what came out of her month.
"Everything is my fault." MJ croaked, struggling not to burst into tears again. "Everything."
Ally just listened, stroking MJ's hair. Kissing her forehead from time to time.
"What's your fault, Michelle?" Ally said softly, as MJ turned her eyes towards her Mom now.
Ally used to call MJ Michelle when she was much younger. When MJ lived together with her parents as a family in New York, and before everything got complicated. Though MJ hated her name, it was kind of comforting coming out of her mother's mouth right now for some odd reason.
"That you're pregnant?" MJ's mom kind of laughed, reaching out and touching her cheek. "It takes two people to do that-"
"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure that's my fault too." MJ sniffed. "Just like Peter breaking up with me is my fault. And what happened at the park is my fault. And overdosing was my fault. And maybe if I had just stayed home and not gone to Liz's stupid party-"
"Stop it." Ally said, interrupting her. "Please don't talk like that. Your Dad should have known better. He knew that you were in trouble, and you needed help Michelle, and he barely did anything about it. And...if I knew it was this bad, I'd never have let you go back to New York."
MJ stared back up at the ceiling again. She hated that look on her Mom's face. Like she was looking at MJ and trying to figure out where she went wrong with her.
"Well, you shouldn't have left in the first place." MJ said, her throat burning now.
"You know I regret that every day-"
"Yeah, but it doesn't change the fact that you weren't there." MJ snapped, raising her voice a little. "Walter was. Even though he's an asshole. He was the one buying me pads and tampons when I started my period. And giving me advice about boys in middle school. And telling me I looked good in my prom dresses. Not you. So maybe I still hate him for the way he treated me...the way he treated you...but I can't just pretend he wasn't good to me all those years."
MJ heard her mom exhale, like she didn't know what else to stay.
"I need to call him." MJ continued, her lip quivering again. "Peter."
"No you don't, honey." Ally sighed. "You need your space. He needs his space. And I don't think his aunt thinks that's a good idea with everything she's been saying on the phone-"
"What does May say about me?" MJ asked, turning her head towards Ally again.
"She doesn't say anything about you specifically." Ally replied. "But she thinks the same thing we all do. That you two need to take some time away from each other and it's for the best-"
"Well, I should at least fucking call him-"
"That means not calling him, MJ." Ally said louder. "Okay? You need to be in the best state of mind for your appointment for Friday-"
"Just say what it is, Mom." MJ sighed, reluctantly crying again. She sat up now. "I'm having an abortion."
MJ put her back against the couch, hugging her knees into her. She could still hear Peter's voice in her head.
After Friday, all I'm going to be thinking about is how they had to do that to you. And I'm gonna keep blaming myself for it. All over again.
"I know what it is." Ally sighed, standing up, before sitting by MJ. "And that it's your choice. No one else's. You can do whatever you want right before you sign those papers at the clinic."
There was a short silence. Ally's Mom looked up around at the drawings and paintings on the wall. A copy of the portrait of Peter she painted at Christmas was still up there. MJ knew her Mom was staring at it - like he was some sort of famous boy band member.
"I miss him." MJ muttered, as her Mom proceeded to wrap her arms around her.
"I know." Ally replied.
"And that's what sucks about it." MJ continued, speaking into Ally's shoulder. "I know he'll move on and I'll never be able to. I'll always think about him."
"You'll be fine."
"I feel sick."
Ally let go of MJ and put a hand to her forehead.
"You're burning up a bit." Ally sighed.
MJ looked at her Mom anxiously, before her hand flew to her mouth. Then the whole episode began. Ally lead her to the bathroom opposite the art room, and MJ leant over the toilet bowl, heaving. Barely anything was coming out though because she had barely eaten. The nausea she'd been feeling the past few weeks was crazy. And it wasn't helping her anxiety.
Ally knelt by MJ, casually plaiting her hair into a French braid to keep it out of her face. She rubbed MJ's back.
"This is...fucking awful." MJ groaned, her breath quickening again.
"When I was pregnant with you, I used to feel like vomiting every time I smelt your Dad's cologne." Ally laughed, trying to keep the mood light.
MJ heaved again, but nothing came out. She spat into the toilet bowl, frustrated and disgusted with herself.
"Your Dad was pretty pissed off about it." Ally smiled, still rubbing MJ's back. "He had just bought two huge bottles of this Dolce and Gabbana cologne. It cost him a couple grand...and I refused to have it in the apartment. He had to give it away to his step brothers."
MJ was still trying to calm herself down, breathing through it like her therapist had told her to do. Nausea sick was slightly different to panic attack sick, she thought. At least they felt different. They were both fucking horrible, but at least being sick from nausea lasted for a short amount of time. At least she still felt like she had some control over her body.
MJ slammed the toilet lid down and flushed it, still shaking a little. She washed her hands in the sink, and soaked her face in cold water, then Ally handed her a face towel.
"Is there still a chance you'll be hungry for lunch?" Ally asked, tentatively. "Oliver's making your favorite."
"I just want to sleep, Mom." MJ shivered, dabbing her face with the towel.
"How about this? I'll run you a nice, warm bath upstairs. And bring you up some water. And you can rest and see if you feel like eating something after that." Ally replied. "Okay?"
MJ just nodded, wincing as she looked down at her arms.
"And we'll change those bandages after." Ally sighed, slowly ushering MJ out of the bathroom, and starting to walk her upstairs.
The smell of whatever Oliver was making made MJ feel like throwing up all over again. They made it back to MJ's bedroom upstairs and Ally sat her down on the bed, before hurriedly going into the bathroom to sort out MJ's bath. Again, it was weird when her Mom acted like this.
MJ sat still, feeling like she was going to dissolve into tears again. She couldn't get him out of her head.
The last time he'd kissed her was in the stupid art museum. But she couldn't enjoy it because she couldn't stop thinking about how much she hated herself for doing everything behind his back. Her Mom had told her to keep everything from Peter to protect him. The more MJ thought about it, the more it sounded like bullshit.
The last time they'd had sex was after that stupid argument they'd had. She had said some vile things to Peter, and he had said some horrible things back to her - though most of it was true. And that night was the first night she'd thought about maybe hurting herself.
"The water's ready, MJ." Ally called.
MJ walked into the bathroom like a zombie. She took one look at herself in the mirror and shuddered. The bags underneath her eyes were dark and pervasive. Her pajama top was wet with her tears, and her skin was a shade paler than it was yesterday.
Ally sprinkled some bath salts into the bath as MJ slid her shorts down, then removed her top to reveal her bare chest. Everyday, she hated the way she looked more and more. Surely, Peter must have been lying every time he said she looked beautiful.
There was nothing about her stomach to show for the fact that there was something - rather someone- inside her. She slid her underwear off now, glancing at her reflection once more.
You look fucking awful.
She climbed into the bath. It was just the right temperature. Not too hot. Not too cold. She wanted to make a comment to her Mom about how it was like when she used to have baths after soccer practice as a little girl. Her Dad would run a bath that was way too hot, and Ally would add the perfect amount of cold water to fix it.
"Comfortable?" Ally asked, folding her arms.
MJ nodded.
"Great - I'll go get you some water."
MJ closed her eyes, and tried to think about anything but everything, which was proving impossible. Her Mom brought her water and she sipped on it, then set it down. Ally lit a candle and placed it far away from MJ's reach so she couldn't burn herself with it, or some crazy shit like that.
She thinks I'm fucking crazy.
"Do the exercises Gina talked about with you." Ally said to MJ, like she was hopeful MJ would at least think about doing them. "And don't forget to take those pills the doctor recommended for Friday. They're on your table."
Then she left, closing the door behind her.
Gina was MJ's therapist. The one she'd started seeing when she first came to Chicago for Christmas. She hadn't taken any of it seriously at all. Gina kept referring to MJ as a 'survivor' and MJ fucking hated that word. It was the whole concept of surviving that MJ couldn't wrap her head around.
She hadn't survived anything, she thought. If she had survived, she would never have let Oscar grab hold of her. She would have fought him off, flipped him off and walked away. God, she had played that alternate scenario so many times in her head, that she'd started to believe it had actually happened sometimes.
Gina always told MJ to talk to her problems.
"That sounds fucked up. And lame." MJ had said.
"It's actually extremely effective." Gina had said in that voice that she used, whenever she was dealing with MJ's attitude. "Talk to he, or she, or whatever is on your mind and tell them exactly how you feel."
Well here's one for you, Oscar.
"It was fucked up what you did to me." MJ whispered, staring at the water. "I know about everything you went through with your Dad, but that didn't make it okay. And I want to forgive you, but I also want you to know that you're part of the reason I'm talking to myself right now. So fuck you. And I hope someone cuts your dick off."
She smiled a little to herself. It was definitely the first time she'd smiled all day.
MJ thought about her Dad. He'd flown out to Chicago at some point to appear in court hearings with Ally. When MJ's Mom left, MJ wasn't considered old enough to choose her custodial parent. So her Dad had won full custody over her.
Of course being nearly seventeen now, she had more of a say, and was going to express that she wanted to live with her Mom if she needed to. And there was a whole other couple of charges involving money and assault that Ally was pressing. Her Mom had told her none of it was any of MJ's business anyways. Their lawyer was almost confident they'd win the case, MJ wouldn't have to appear in court, and she could live with her Mom as long as she wanted to.
"Dad, I know you don't want to hear it, but you have some serious shit you need to deal with." MJ continued. "Deep down, I know all you wanted to do was protect me. I know Mom had her issues, but you should have never have laid a finger on her. You still say in court that you never hurt anyone, but I don't believe you. Thank you for those years after Mom left, though. You worked your butt off to give me the world, and I guess I'm grateful for that. I wish we talked more. I wish we actually understood each other. I wish I could write you a card on Father's Day and say you're the best Dad ever. But you're not. And I think you know that."
MJ ran her fingers up and down the water like she used to as a child. Talking to herself didn't feel all that odd all of a sudden.
"Hi." MJ muttered, glancing down at her stomach. "We've never talked before, but you're half of me. So maybe we should talk more."
MJ rubbed her eyebrow, because she couldn't seem to sit still.
"What's the point, right?" she continued. "In two days, you'll be leaving me - so why get to know me? I get it. Well, I wanted you to know I'm doing it for your own good. You don't wanna be here, trust me. I don't even wanna fucking be here..."
Her voice trailed off, as she felt that burning in her throat again.
"You're way better off up there. I know some good people that'll take really good care of you. They used to take really good care of the other half of you too. Anyways, it's not like I don't want to be your Mom, it's just...I can't be. I'm a mess and you don't want me. I'm sorry."
MJ was furiously wiping her cheeks with her palms now.
"So please don't be mad at me." She whispered, closing her eyes now.
She sank into the bath a little and rested her head on the wall behind her. She paid attention to the quiet. The gentle sloshing of the water, the flickering of the candle, and the sound of her own shaky breath. And soon, she was asleep.
1 day till it's over with.
MJ had woken up the next day feeling extremely anxious. She'd had this early phone call with a doctor who was giving her a lot of information about the procedure she was going to have tomorrow. Everything went in one ear and out the other.
Ally was out in a meeting with her lawyer, so Oliver had offered to take MJ out to the city for the day. She'd wanted to take some pictures to get inspiration for her paintings, anyways. Gina had told her to pick up those old hobbies again.
Oliver parked his car on The Millenium Mile, so MJ could take pictures of all the historic buildings and landmarks.
"It's a Fujifilm Instax Wide 300." Oliver said to MJ, handing her the camera as they got out of the car. "It's yours to keep, MJ."
It was very cold. They were both wrapped up in coats and scarves and gloves. The air was crisp and the streets were kind of empty. It was relatively quiet because it was very early, which MJ liked. They walked for a little while before MJ stopped to take her first photo of the skyline.
She showed Oliver the photos.
"Lovely, MJ." Oliver smiled.
There was something oddly comforting about the way he said 'lovely' in his accent, with his cute little mustache and his dark hair blowing in the wind.
"Do you mind if I get one of you?" MJ asked Oliver.
"Of course not." Oliver smiled.
He made sure there were no cars, then stood on the road, in front of the skyline of buildings. MJ stood on the pavement, leaning forward a little bit, peering through the camera. She took three quick pictures in a row, smiling a little as she paused to look at them.
"You're a natural." MJ exhaled.
Oliver gave her a corny high five. They walked around more, and MJ took pictures of everything. The bridge from a distance, the rustic buildings, the trees as they hung over the water.
Oliver was extremely patient with her. He followed her every move, and didn't rush her. He pointed out good photo ops and praised her when she got a good shot. He looked at her like a normal human being, not like she was a broken ornament that they were trying to hold together with craft glue.
MJ felt at peace. For once.
They stopped off at a Starbucks to grab some breakfast. MJ got a coffee and a croissant. Oliver went for some matcha and a breakfast sandwich. They sat in the corner opposite each other, next to the window with a beautiful view of the city.
MJ bit into the croissant. It was the first thing she had eaten properly in two days.
"How are you feeling today?" Oliver asked her, before taking a sip of his matcha.
He seemed genuine enough.
"I don't really know how to feel." MJ shrugged, already feeling like she couldn't stomach the rest of her food.
"What's on your mind?" Oliver asked. "Talk to me."
MJ sighed.
"Well - I really wanna speak to Peter." MJ swallowed, looking up at Oliver. "But Mom thinks it's a stupid idea."
Oliver shrugged.
"You could call his aunt when you get back." Oliver suggested. "Might be a good way to check up on him and still give him his space."
"Yeah...maybe that's not a bad idea." MJ smiled quickly, taking another bite of her croissant.
Oliver ate his sandwich, humming to himself.
"I'm also freaked out about tomorrow." MJ breathed, biting her lip.
"You'll be okay, darling." Oliver replied, reaching out to touch her arm. "I obviously can't tell you what to expect, but I know that you're brave enough to face it."
MJ thanked him. She wished she could speak to Peter and he could tell her something along the same lines to keep her sane.
"I miss him too already." Oliver said. "He liked to help me with my computer and listen to that rap music with you. He's a good kid."
MJ nodded, feeling a little sad all of a sudden.
"Do you think Mom's a bad influence?" MJ asked out of the blue.
"Why?" Oliver replied.
"Just because..." MJ said, putting her half eaten croissant down. "Peter said to me once that she was a bad influence. Maybe she is - I don't know."
"MJ, your Mom isn't perfect." Oliver said. "No one is. But she's trying her best. I fell in love with her because she's a woman that's doing her best, despite her past. Your Mom is incredibly loving. And I know what happened, but she's always loved you. She wasn't in a place to be a good mom to you back then, and that's why she left. There's nothing she wouldn't do for you, MJ. That's why she's fighting for you. You're a fighter too."
"Does she tell you the story about how I wasn't planned?" MJ mumbled.
She usually laughed about this story. She wasn't sure whether she should laugh.
"She never told me in great detail." Oliver smiled, finishing up his sandwich. "But I'm intrigued."
MJ pushed her hair out of her face.
"Dad is six and a half years older than my Mom." MJ said. "She met him on her shift at a restaurant when she was twenty one and she was still in college. He already had an apartment in the city in San Francisco and was working. Mom likes to say Dad was infatuated with her."
Oliver laughed now.
"He took her out on a few dates." MJ continued. "Mom said he would pull up to campus in his BMW and take her out to all these fancy places. My grandparents did not approve of him, though. They didn't like the fact that he was black and doing well for himself. It rubbed them up the wrong way."
"Of course it did." Oliver sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, they were low key racist. Which is why I never speak to them." MJ chuckled. "Anyways, Dad took her home for the weekend once. Mom said she was supposed to be studying for some midterm, but decided to leave. They went to some club and got extremely fucked up. Shit happened. Mom found out she was pregnant with me a few weeks later. She...she decided to keep me. She didn't tell her parents. She took a year out of school and moved in with Dad to have me. Dad's Mom helped out with me so she could finish school. She still graduated with her political science degree with the highest honors."
"That's my girl." Oliver smiled.
"Now you know the full story in detail." MJ shrugged, sipping her coffee.
When they were done, they roamed the city for a while longer. MJ took some more pictures. Then she started to feel nauseous again, so Oliver bought her a water, walked her back to the car, then drove her home.
Ally wasn't back from her meeting, so Oliver started on some spaghetti for lunch. MJ had said it sounded good, though she knew there was nothing he could make her do to come down and actually eat it.
MJ got back to her room and took off her warm clothes. She opened her wardrobe and immediately reached for Peter's shirt. She pressed it to her face, taking a deep breath in.
It still smelt like him.
She stood there with the shirt pressed to her face for a good few minutes, then shrugged it on. She looked at herself once more in her wardrobe mirror, tying her hair out of her face. She still felt sick.
Don't throw up. Don't throw up.
MJ walked up to her bed slowly and sat cross legged on it. She drank some water that her Mom had put by her side. She bent over a little, trying to breathe through those stupid cramps that would hit her ever so often.
The cramps reminded her of the last time Peter had told her he loved her. The last time he told me he loved me, he was here, MJ thought. She'd also told him that her stomach hurt, and he'd massaged it a little till it felt better, and she could fall asleep. He wasn't here to do that now.
MJ swallowed, digging her fingers into her comforter and wincing a little bit. Tears filled her eyes automatically.
Don't fucking throw up again.
She held that position till she didn't feel anything at all, and a wave of relief passed over. She grabbed her phone and began searching for May's number. She was scared she would have lost it or something.
But there it was. She'd saved May's number as 'Peter's Aunt.' The first day she'd ever come over with that Hawaiian pizza, May had made her take it down that MJ would have it for the Drake and Travis concert. She smiled a little when she thought about that day.
She tapped on May's number and began to call her. Each time MJ heard the sound of the phone ringing, she felt more anxious. The phone rang seven or eight times before May picked up.
"Hello?" May said.
MJ immediately noticed her voice sounded less soft and comforting than she'd remembered.
"Um, hi May." MJ said, all at once, feeling like she was forcing every word out. "It's...it's MJ."
"Oh." May replied. "Hi, MJ. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." MJ lied. "Yeah, I'm fine-"
"You're doing better?"
"Yeah." MJ said again. "I'm doing fine, May. I'm doing much better."
"Mm hm." May replied. "I hope you're taking time for yourself, MJ. To heal and recover. You owe yourself that...at least."
MJ didn't say anything for a few seconds.
"Um." MJ stammered. "I just...I'm just calling to check up on Peter. Mom thinks I shouldn't call him to give him some space for a while-"
"Yes, that's probably for the best."
"I - um - agree." MJ replied, annoyed at herself for not being able to get her words out properly. "Anyways, I was just calling to ask if he's okay and everything."
"He's okay." May simply said.
"Um...okay." MJ sighed. "May, I'm really sorry about everything. And I never meant to put him through that-"
"MJ, I just want you two to be the best version of yourselves, that's all." May replied, her voice low. "I care about you both. And I'm happy you made a very mature decision to step back from this relationship. He's doing fine now. Obviously, it's hard. But I bet it will be even harder if he spoke to you. Do you get where I'm coming from, MJ?"
"I know. I get it." MJ muttered. "But I - I know you and Mom really don't want me to, but I'd just like to talk to him before...before tomorrow. I don't know, I just feel like I need to talk to him."
"Oh, honey." May sighed. "I'm sorry. You've also been doing therapy too, right? I'm speaking to a bunch of different people for Peter, and they're all saying the same thing. You two shouldn't call each other for now. I trust you'll help me stick to that, MJ. I'm actually about to take him shopping...trying to get him out of the house for once."
MJ nodded, even though she knew May couldn't see her.
"Okay, dear?" May asked her.
"Yeah. I'm gonna go now." MJ sniffed.
She cut off the call before May could say anything else and cried for another hour till her eyes were red. And then she threw up again, even though she really didn't want to.
You're the only person I want to talk to right now, Peter.
She lay back in her bed, feeling extremely sorry for herself. She heard her heart pounding in her head and her chest again. Oliver knocked on her door to tell her lunch was ready but she didn't flinch.
Everything fucking hurt.
By the end of today, it'll be over with.
Ally had woken MJ up at 5am. Her appointment was early, and the drive to the clinic was a good hour away. Well, at least to get to the really private, expensive clinic that didn't have those conservatives with their anti-abortion signs waiting outside.
MJ was wearing her sweats. And another one of Peter's shirts. This specific one was a Midtown Tech decathlon t-shirt. Ally sat MJ down on the kitchen table and gave her some stuff to read about the procedure. She wasn't retaining anything.
"You've gotta eat something." Ally said, like it wasn't up for discussion.
She grabbed some strawberry yoghurt from the fridge and dumped it into a bowl for MJ. Then she got some frozen fruits from the freezer and began arranging them in the bowl.
"Mom?" MJ said, as the words blurred in front of her.
"Yes, honey?" MJ's mom replied, still concentrating on the fruit in front of her.
"Why did you...keep me?" MJ swallowed, looking at Ally.
Ally sighed, not looking up from the bowl.
"I just..." Ally began. "I just felt connected to you that's all. I was a silly young thing and I loved your Dad at the time. And I didn't have the balls to do what you're about to do."
"You felt...connected to me?" MJ asked again.
Ally grabbed some honey and began pouring it carefully on top of the fruit.
"I'm not going to be able to explain that to you, MJ." She said. "I just did. Everyone's different."
Ally got out some chocolate granola, and gestured to MJ as if to ask her if she could add some to the bowl. MJ nodded, and Ally practically poured in half the contents of the packet.
She stabbed a spoon in the yoghurt and slid the bowl across the dining table towards MJ.
"Eat up." Ally smiled, walking to her and kissing her on the forehead. "I'm gonna go get ready quickly."
MJ reluctantly put a spoonful in her mouth. It was good, but she really couldn't stomach it all. She exhaled as she chewed.
Everything's going to be fine.
Even if it wasn't, she'd decided that she'd better tell herself that.
Today's the day, Peter. I hope you're thinking of me.
I hope you're proud of me.
"Last time we'll speak." MJ said softly, as she chewed. She didn't feel less weird about it. "Can you believe Mom said she felt connected to me? How can we feel connected when we haven't even met?"
MJ looked down at her stomach, like she almost expected some sort of reply. Or feedback.
"I know - she's crazy." MJ continued, eating more of her yoghurt. "Send me some signals when you get up there, you know? Let me know you got there safely or whatever. If you can - I mean, there's no pressure. It's a shame you'll never get to talk to....you know what, I'll play you something."
MJ got her phone out of her pocket. It was a video she'd taken of Peter in the car, on the way to their getaway after their own little Winter Formal at her Dad's house. It was an eight second video of Peter singing along to some Cardi B song. MJ laughed a little.
"Yeah, he's not the best singer." MJ smiled. "But he's great in general. I promise. You've got some badass genes, remember that."
MJ heard her Mom's door close upstairs. It was pouring with rain outside. Ally gave MJ an umbrella, but she was still a bit wet by the time they were both in the car.
"Jesus Christ, I'm kind of over this weather."
Ally sighed, putting on her seatbelt. "Wanna move out to LA, MJ?"
"Very funny, Mom." MJ said.
They drove off. Ally played some classical music which MJ thought she'd hate but it was actually extremely relaxing.
MJ stared out of the window. She wasn't sure if she was shivering because she was cold, or because she was scared. Either way, she was shaking, and Ally noticed, and reached out to put a hand on her shoulder.
"I'll turn up the heat." Ally said, like she'd just solved all of MJ's problems in one sentence. "You're ready for this, MJ?"
MJ nodded because she felt like nodding was the right thing to do.
We don't deserve each other, MJ. And a baby doesn't deserve us.
MJ fell asleep. Ally shook her awake when they arrived. MJ didn't recognize anything about the place they were in. The building they had parked in front of was grey, with very few windows.
They got out of the car, still using their umbrellas. Ally walked in front of MJ. MJ was sure she was going to have some sort of mental breakdown any minute from now.
When the doors opened, the distinct smell of hospital and antiseptic hit MJ. Ally walked straight up to the receptionist. They exchanged some words, and then Ally and MJ were told to wait. They sat down on some black chairs, opposite a TV screen that was showing Bob Ross doing some random painting.
"Look, that's going to be you in a few years, MJ." Ally smiled.
MJ thought her Mom always looked pretty. Ally's hair had grown out a little, into a short blonde bob behind her ears. She was wearing a red velvet tracksuit, like she was about to jet off on some private plane to God knows where.
A nurse then came up to MJ, and asked if she would step aside for a vitals check up and answer some questions. MJ sat on a chair in a corner, next to these machines. They had to suck all the air around her arm to take her blood pressure, and she had to lift her shirt up a little so they could put the temperature stick under her armpit.
"Everything's looking good, Michelle." The nurse smiled.
She gestured for MJ to get up and step on the scale. MJ was kind of dreading this.
"Okay, step off for me." The nurse said, before MJ sat back down. "Any symptoms today? Nausea? Dizziness? Vomiting?"
"I just feel a little nauseous today." MJ swallowed, feeling very insecure all of a sudden.
The nurse nodded.
"Please confirm your age for me." She said.
"I'm sixteen." MJ replied.
"And how far along are you with pregnancy, Michelle? Just to confirm."
"Seven weeks or so."
"Ok." The nurse replied, typing some stuff into her computer. "I know you are aware of this, but I just have to repeat it to you, okay? You will be having a surgical abortion today to terminate your pregnancy. This will involve a vacuum aspiration and the operation will be done via your cervix. The pills Dr. Khadijah prescribed for you earlier this week were to open up the cervix a little bit to make this procedure easier for us. This will not involve any type of incision, but we will be placing you under a general anesthetic because of the pain threshold. Is that okay?"
MJ's heart was racing. She forced herself to nod again.
"You seem a little apprehensive, dear." The nurse said, as she printed out some papers for MJ to sign. "I'm here if you want to ask any clarifying questions, Michelle."
"How...how long will it all take?" MJ asked.
"The whole procedure usually lasts fifteen to twenty minutes on average." The nurse replied. "Just read over all the information and sign carefully when you're ready. I'll be back in a little while."
MJ nodded again, picking up the pen, as the nurse left. MJ turned and she could see her Mom in the waiting area, her eyes still glued to the TV screen.
"Can you believe they're making me sign all this?" MJ whispered, turning back around. "I kind of thought this whole thing would be pretty straightforward for you, not gonna lie."
MJ picked up the pen. Her hands were shaking a little, as she tried to concentrate on the words in front of her. They kept on blurring.
"I'm not a bad person." MJ whispered again, tears stinging in her eyes. "Please believe me. This is really hard for me too, you know?"
She clicked on the back of the pen. Time seemed to stop around her.
"Peter said you don't deserve us." MJ sniffed now. "But maybe I deserve you...maybe I...maybe I need you."
MJ stood up abruptly, making her way towards the nearest bathroom. She followed the signs, pushed the door open, and locked herself in a stall. She knew Ally would be right behind her.
"MJ." Ally said, walking in. "MJ, honey, are you okay?"
MJ was fully hyperventilating now. This is what she had been trying to avoid these past few days. It was like all her feelings had been bubbling up inside her, and they were finally coming out.
"MJ - open the door. Please." Ally sighed, unable to hide the worry in her voice.
MJ unlocked the stall door. Her Mom saw her and immediately wrapped her arms around her. MJ buried her head in her Mom's chest. She couldn't explain why she was crying so much.
"I can't do it, Mom. I can't." MJ said. "I'm sorry. But I can't-"
"Shhh..." Ally said, pulling her in closer. "It's okay, Michelle."
MJ felt like her chest was on fire. She was trying so hard to calm herself down.
"You don't have to do it." Ally sniffed, now. "We can walk away right now and I'll drive you home. And everything is going to be okay."
MJ cried into her Mom's chest a little more.
"I'm going to be there for you no matter what, baby." Ally said, crying now too. "I'm never gonna leave you again. I promise you that."
It was like she was five again. Like when she would come home from school when those white kids bullied her for looking different and wrap her arms around her Mom's neck and cry.
"You wanna get out of here?" Ally said, breaking away and holding MJ's face between her hands.
"Yeah." MJ replied. "I really wanna get out of here."
So Ally took MJ's hand. And Ally did all the talking for her when the nurses looked confused, and started asking questions. And they pushed the doors open, the same way they'd came. And then they were outside.
And the sun had fully risen. And MJ looked up at the sky that was stormy when they had walked in not too long ago. Blue skies...like nothing had even happened earlier.
Blue skies and white clouds.