And there he was - moping about on my couch. Having Ian here in the office was a fairly normal occurrence. But it seems like today has been rough for my best friend.
"What's up?" I broke the silence. I leaned on my desk, almost sitting on it, waiting for a response from him.
All I receive is silence, so I try again, "Ian. What's wrong?"
He still won't talk.
"Look, I can obviously tell something is wrong. But if you don't tell me what that is, then I can't help you." I care about him and his well-being. But personally, I think he's just being over-dramatic.
Not knowing what else to say to coax him into speaking, I keep quiet.
I checked my laptop quickly to see if I had any new emails. Thankfully there weren't any, so I went back to my original position.
"Stacy broke up with me," he finally spoke up after what felt like years. I feel bad for him, but I wouldn't say I'm that upset by the news. I never really liked his girlfriend, well ex, and I know she wasn't a fan of me. I guess it was a different story with her and Ian though.
"That sucks, man," I say genuinely. "Do you know why?"
"She said something about losing feelings, but I think it's because she found someone else," he said in a bitter tone. "Why else would she just suddenly stop loving me? It's not like we've been apart more than usual."
"What a bi-"
"Don't," Ian cut me off.
"What?"
"Don't even bother. It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Getting mad won't solve anything."
"Says the one who looks ready to punch something." Hopefully, he has enough sense to not punch anything in here. I don't own the place, and I really don't want to pay for repairs.
"Alright, maybe I'm a bit mad." I couldn't help but chuckle at his dejected tone, which caused him to give me a death stare. I wordlessly held my hands up as if to say I surrender. He just looks so cute with the pout that's taken over his features.
So maybe I like the guy. And maybe Stacy knew that, hence the reason she didn't like me. That's all I can assume anyway. I do feel bad for Ian though. Breakups suck. I know that.
Ian sat up from his previous position of laying across the sofa. I sit next to him and put my arm around his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.
"Am I not good enough? Is that why she found someone else? Because he's better?"
"Wha-" I almost gasped at his way of thinking. "Ian, don't be an idiot."
He looked over at me, and I could tell he didn't know if he should be offended or not.
"You're a great guy, okay? Sometimes it's just not meant to be. You'll find someone who thinks you are enough, or even more than enough," I give him a little pep talk, trying not to get too sappy.
"You think?"
"I know. Maybe not now, but eventually, you'll find the right person."
"I guess." He shrugged, clearly unsure of my words.
I drop my arm from his shoulders to take my tie off. It's the end of the day, and I don't really have to wear it during work either. I can sense him watching me, and I suddenly feel a bit shy.
It's only Ian, I try to tell myself. I've known the guy since the beginning of high school for crying out loud.
I couldn't help the feelings that I developed for him, even though he had a girlfriend. And now, he doesn't. But it's not like that changes anything.
"You alright?" I hear faintly on my right.
"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"
He shrugged. "Maybe, but you seemed really spaced out just now."
"Oh, I didn't realize."
"Are you okay, though?"
"Oh, uh, yeah. I'm good."
"I'm not convinced," he egged on, knowing me too well.
"My mind just started to wander, I guess."
"Where'd it go?" I look over and see him smiling. He was proud of that one. I could tell.
With a smile of my own, I told him, "It just went for a bit of a walk."
"Haha," he said dryly. "What're you thinking about? Or perhaps it's a who that's invaded your mind?"
How is it that he just knows me this well? I can't tell him I was thinking of him. That's just weird. "Why do you assume it's a person?"
"I just have that gut feeling, Max. It only works with you, ya know."
"It's a curse," I joked.
"Maybe for you. But now, it's confirmed that you were thinking of a person."
"I didn't confirm anything."
"Exactly. You would've answered if it was anything else."
"I hate you." Any person in their right mind would know that isn't true.
"Yeah, sure. Now, spill. Who's on your mind?"
"Does it matter?" I don't bother trying to change the subject because I know he wouldn't let me.
"Of course it does! Hello, that's why I'm asking," he says seriously.
I let out a quiet laugh. "Just...someone."
"Oh, c'mon, Max. It's not that big of a deal."
Easy for you to say. You've never liked your best friend in a non-platonic way, I thought to myself.
"Well, maybe I like someone, and I don't want to talk to you about it."
"Wow, you are capable!"
"What's that supposed to mean, hmm?"
"You liking someone seems so rare."
"You act like I've never gone out with anyone." I may not have had many serious relationships, but I've definitely liked my fair share of people and have gone on quite a few dates.
"For all I know, you haven't. You never bring up your relationships. I always initiate the conversation, and you never get into it. You could be gay, and I would have no idea."
Bisexual, actually, I mentally correct him.
"I just-"
"Why? Why don't you ever talk to me about that kind of stuff? Do you not trust me or something?"
My eyes widened. "Of course I trust you!" I rushed to say. "I just don't talk about my relationships. I don't know. It's not like it's a touchy subject, but I don't really like talking about it much, I guess."
"Is it because your gay? Because it doesn't bother me if you are, you know."
"I'm not gay." I shake my head. "And if I were, I still wouldn't want to talk about my relationships." This is my opportunity to tell him...But I chicken out. I can't get myself to get the words out. There's only two of them. Yet, they're so hard to say.
"Okay, not gay, but do you like guys?" Damn, he's persistent, and of course, knows me too well.
"Ho-how did we even get here?" Part of me didn't mean to avoid the question. I just started wondering how the conversation went for us to end up here. But subconsciously, I knew exactly what I was doing. And so did Ian.
"I," he dragged out the word, "think that means yes. You could've told me, Max."
I looked at my hands in my lap, feeling shy again. With a shrug, I said, "Easier said than done, I guess."
By turning my head slightly, I saw him in my peripheral vision nodding. "I get it." He paused. "So, this person you like. It's a guy?"
I nodded. There's nothing to deny. He knows now.
"Does he like you, too?"
I dared to glance at him before answering with a humorless laugh, "I don't think so."
"Does he know you like him?"
"I'd say no," I told him, while making eye contact.
"Hmm, well, it sounds like he's missing out."
Yeah, well, he's oblivious, too.
"I don't know. There's a good chance he's straight, so I've really just dug my own grave here."
His head tilts slightly, like he's thinking it through. "Well, have you asked him?"
I shook my head. "No, of course not. You can't just randomly ask someone if they're straight or not, Ian."
"I wouldn't be offended if someone asked."
"Are you straight?"
"Huh?"
"I asked-"
"No, I heard what you said."
"You reacted like you were surprised I asked." I chuckled.
"I was!"
"Well, there you go. That's why you don't randomly ask. But since it's you, and you failed to prove your point, I expect an answer," I (hopefully) discreetly try to make him answer the question.
"I didn't fail. I said I wouldn't be offended. And I wasn't, I was only surprised. But yes, I am...as far as I know. Things could always change, right?"
I do my best to not react to his response. I mean, I basically already knew his answer. But it was worth a shot, right? "Yeah, I guess so."
"So," he extended the vowel, "this guy. Do I know him?"
He really is oblivious, huh.
Do I make someone up? Do I give vague answers? Do I try to change the subject?
"Maybe, maybe not."
"Well, where'd you meet him?"
"Somewhere."
Ian groaned. "Are you really not going to talk about this?"
"I'd kinda really rather not. How did we get here anyway? You were-"
"Don't finish that sentence. I don't care how we got here. I just know it is distracting."
I sighed. "Well, I suppose it wasn't such a bad conversation then." I continued to speak before he could, "That doesn't mean it needs to continue though."
If he had perked up from my former statement, he deflated after my last one.
"Fine, we can stop talking about your love life...for now. Don't think I'll forget."
I mentally and physically facepalmed, causing Ian to laugh at my distress.
"Has my misery made you feel better?"
"I don't think you worded that very well. But yeah, I guess it did take my mind off things."
"Well, I guess it was worth it then."
He looked at me with his head slightly tilted again. Apparently it's how he looks when thinking through something. It's cute. "If you say so..." he said, sounding unsure.
"Look, I'd rather be a bit uncomfortable than have you be depressed. It's sad to see you sad."
"See, that wording makes me feel a little less bad."
I smiled without showing my teeth. "Good. Don't feel bad."
I must sound so whipped right now. But as long as he doesn't notice, then there is no problem. If he found out, it would lead to a very embarrassing and awkward conversation that I don't want to have. So, I just won't tell him, and hopefully, he won't figure it out himself.
~~~~~
This scene was inspired by the drawing at the beginning.
(Credits to Drawfee Show on YouTube for the drawing)