we're so close 😰
important warning towards the middle: mention of possible sexual assault
sorry for the spoiler but mental health is more important than this book. pls don't read if it could negatively affect u! i love u all endlessly
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HANA
The rain and cold pounding against my skin doesn't seem to matter much anymore, as I can barely hear it. Before, it was thunderous and explosive, and now, compared to Harry's voice, it's muted and dull. I'm somewhat surprised I manage to stay upright with the outrage I feel.
Ignoring the possibility of slipping, I step towards him and slam my hands against his chest, "how can you say that?" The rain is now definitely mixed with my tears and I can barely see straight; I want to break his nose and collapse into his arms all at once. Maybe I could do both.
He bends down slightly, trying to level with me literally and increases his volume, throwing his hands out in defence, "because it's the truth!"
I push roughly at his chest once again, not entirely sure of my aim, but I know wouldn't complain if he happened to fall. Tears begin to fall faster and so does the rain; it's quite ironic, if I take a minute to think about it. "How can you lie about that now?" I yell, slamming my closed fists at his upper chest and ripping myself away when he attempts to stop me.
"I'm not!"
I'm glad it's raining, really, because if the weather weren't drowning out my voice, the entire camp would be awoken with screams and shouts of unadulterated fury. "Do you know how bad it hurt? Do you know how bad it hurt when Nadia told me she saw you kiss him? I didn't believe her! I kept telling myself, over and over again, it has to be someone else. She saw it wrong. Harry wouldn't do that to me. I love him! Do you know how bad it hurt when I asked you and you not only kissed him, you fucked him?"
He seems at a complete loss for words for several moments, searching my eyes for a scrap of belief in his ridiculous claims. "I'm being serious!" The rain begins to fade back in as my anger becomes less blisteringly distracting, but still, all I can think about is punching him in the face. He really would deserve it.
Instead, I settle for punching him in the chest once again, crying harder with every word, "no, you're fucking lying again because that's all you do!" Even through the storm, he hears me loud and clear, judging from the changes of his expression, "lie and hurt people! All you do is hurt me!"
Finally, he manages to gather my wrists together and physically forces me to calm down, "I'm not lying! Please, believe me. I promise!"
"Your promises don't mean shit!"
"Han, I didn't cheat on you! Please, let me explain!"
Frowning, I tear my wrists from his hands and storm off back towards my cabin, unable to believe his audacity - after seven years, he can't just backtrack on ruining our relationship. My life, even, for a relatively brief period of time. "I don't want to hear it!"
"Please, Hana, I promise you, I can explain!" He yells again, and I can tell by the proximity and desperation of his voice, he's following me.
He's clearly not giving up any time soon, so I spin abruptly and glare at him, "you can have five minutes." He exhales, seeming relieved, and for once, I decide to be stern, "and I wanna quit."
This seems to have derailed his momentary comfort and his eyes roll as he groans in frustration, "fine. If you still don't believe me after five minutes, I'll pay you for the next month and you can quit."
The rain is still battling against me, pushing both of us further down the hill, but I ignore it and hurry to the safety of the cabin. I'm aware that my job is based on him telling the truth, but either way, I can't continue to put myself through this emotional rollercoaster for much longer. The warmth is incredibly welcome as I enter and immediately shrug off my jacket, then hoodie, all whilst refusing to even glance at him.
I don't speak a single word to him before disappearing into my bedroom and slamming the door; I just need a minute to myself to breathe. Swiftly, I change out of my wet clothes and into new ones that are just as comfortable, discarding the old pile into the basket in the corner and perching on the edge of my bed. Immediately, my lungs deflate with a heavy exhale; part of me really, really hopes he's telling the truth, though I can't see how that would make sense. I can only wish his brief explanation is somewhat convincing, at the very least.
After another few healing breaths, I return to the lounge where he sits nervously on the couch, having shifted all of the blankets to the floor. Sitting right next to him, I don't bother to show any doubt or sympathy, "explain, then."
His cheeks puff out with an anxious exhale, and he's already playing absentmindedly with his rings and staring unwaveringly down at his knees, "I can't... remember what happened." Both of our eyebrows furrow together, mine in confusion and his in angst, "and a few years ago, that was really bugging me. I tried everything I could; I tried dreaming about it, I sat and slept in the cabin where it happened, I even tried to contact Charlie."
"Did he reply?"
His head shakes, "no. I didn't know what else to do. I talked about it with my therapist, and she suggested hypnosis or something." As he speaks, I realise with every word how much emotion is woven into his voice, "I didn't really believe it could help, but I figured that I might as well try it. So, all I could remember was getting drunk, going to his cabin, and then waking up."
"What about after you woke up?"
He hesitates with a sharp inhale of air, "he told me we had sex."
I speak softly, noticing the feeling of dread settling low in my stomach, "did you?"
He shrugs slightly, "I can't remember, still. I went to the hypnosis session and I recalled some stuff I couldn't before, but a lot of it is still..."
"What did you remember?" I'm admittedly fearful for the answer, though I'm not entirely sure why.
He breaths out deeply, clenching his jaw and looking away from me, "when I went to his cabin after you told me to sober up, he offered me another drink. I wanted to get back to you quickly, so I said no, and he gave me a glass of water, instead." He scoffs lightly and shifts his focus back down to his hands, "after a little while, I felt really dizzy. I can't describe how it felt, it was just like I was... heavy and stuck? I didn't really get drunk often, so I assumed it was the alcohol." He continues, and my urge to punch him in the face is rapidly fading, "I guess it wasn't, because I sat down so I wouldn't faint, and then I can't remember the next minute or so."
"So, until the morning?"
He chews anxiously on the inside of his cheek and breathes out harshly through his nose, "no, the last thing I remember before actually waking up is... um, him taking my pants off... and then, blank, pretty much."
Waves of guilt for dismissing his claims and yelling like I had wash over me, "Harry—"
His sharp intake of breath interrupts me, "and then the next thing I remember is waking up to someone that wasn't you. We were both, um, undressed, and he told me that we... had sex. I didn't know what to do, you know? I couldn't remember it, and what else was I meant to believe? I could never have imagined myself cheating on you, or on anyone, but I got blackout drunk, woke up in a bed that wasn't ours and this guy was telling me we fucked."
I'm really not sure how to respond, completely blindsided; for years, I'd thought he'd betrayed me in the worst way possible, and now I'm finding out he was possibly assaulted. "So, he told you... why?" I'm entirely lost and I hope Harry can notice that I'm not being as cold and uncaring as my replies may portray.
Judging by the subtle smile of reassurance that flashes up, I'm guessing he can, "I'm not sure. I never got the chance to ask."
My voice drops to a whisper, my eyes stinging with the effort of not crying as our gazes meet, "do you think... did you?"
His mouth opens as if to speak but he simply shrugs, contemplating his response, "no idea." He sniffles and his bottom lip trembles slightly, "at the time, I assumed we had... and that it was consensual — as much as it could be, considering we were both drunk. Or I thought he was. I guess he wasn't as out of it as I was. So, I never went to the hospital or anything. I just went with it."
He's speaking lightly, as if discussing what he ate for dinner earlier or his shopping trip plans for tomorrow, and I dread to think how long he's had to think about this by himself. "Harry, I'm sorry; I'm sorry I blamed you."
He shakes his head before I can even continue, "I told you what happened, of course you believed me, because I believed it to be true. It's just difficult, you know? Not knowing if anything actually happened."
Gently, I place my hand on his and speak softly, "even if nothing directly physical happened, you were still assaulted. Don't downplay what happened just because you think it wasn't serious." When his focus shifts to my eyes, I immediately notice the glassy sheen of his irises and the single tear running along his cheek. Without thinking, I reach up and wipe it away with my thumb delicately, leaving my hand resting on his cheek.
Instinctively, he leans towards the touch and allows his eyes to close, exhaling heavily through his nose. His own hand travels upwards to lay over mine, and when I lift my palm from his cheek and glide my fingertips over his jaw, he loops his fingers with mine and drops our hands between us.
He clears his throat, "it's confusing. He could've just been a dick—ruining our relationship for nothing, or he could've..." His breath stutters and he exhales gradually, "it's just shit. And I still don't understand why it had to happen."
Tears brim in my eyes and begin to fall just as his own tears roll along the angle of his cheekbones, and my forehead drops forward to rest on his. Both of our eyes close and my eyebrows furrow together, "this didn't have to happen. We broke up for nothing." His crying is muted but mine is full of every possible emotion, and my somewhat calm expression cracks, "we could've been together this entire time."
My palm lifts to rest on his cheek and slides down the back of his neck as I lean forward and envelop him into an undeniable hug; he takes a moment to process it, but then returns with his arms wrapping around me. My chin relaxes against his shoulder and I attempt to control my breathing; eventually, my tears slow down incrementally until they stop entirely. He shushes me quietly, supporting my head with his hand resting loosely at the back, and it makes me want to cry all over again.
"Han, it's okay. I didn't wanna bring it up like that, I didn't think it was important."
"Of course, it's important," I sniff and finally move away slightly, though I remain close to him. Closer than I have been for years. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you."
"It's fine, I get how it looked. I probably wouldn't have believed it either."
I manage a small smile as my fingertips run gently over his face once again, and his eyes flutter closed just as I lean in to press a firm kiss against his forehead. "You're so brave," my eyes sparkle as his mouth curves upwards. "And I'm so proud of you. Thank you." He nods compliantly and inhales through his nose, "did you, um, tell anyone?"
He breathes out deeply in thought, placing his palms flat on his thighs, "the hypnotist, obviously. My therapist."
"But no one you love?"
"Until now."
I don't read too deeply into the meaning of his response, instead meeting his gaze; slowly, he leans forward, incidentally bumping the tip of his nose against mine once, then shifting decisively forward. Before his lips can even brush against mine, my head twists at a subtle yet definite angle and my cheeks puff with air. He's exhales, blatantly disappointed but he nods understandingly, biting his lip gently in discontent.
"Sorry."
"No, I'm sorry, it's okay," he stands up before I've hardly moved, scratching awkwardly at the back of his neck and shoving his other hand into the pocket of his jeans. "I'm gonna go."
He darts across the room before I can follow, lifting his hand briskly to signal another goodbye, and before I can even think about replying, he's gone.
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my babies 😞 i want them to be in love asap
reminder that i love u and u can always dm me for anything