And your slowly shaking finger tips show that you're scared like me/So, let's pretend we're alone/And I know you may be scared/And I know we're unprepared, but I don't care/Tell me, tell me, what makes you think that you are invincible?/I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure/Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable/Impossible~Secondhand Serenade - Vulnerable
I sat there stunned, blinking at the wall.
After another two extremely long seconds passed I got up and in defeat I began moving more stuff. I didn't know what to think nor feel, I was numb. Robotic. It was as if I was detached from my body, my mind.
Slowly I reached for my bedside table and weakly I tugged at it, it didn't budge. My emotions were building like this volcano of pure rage. I tried again. I stumbled losing grip.
"AH!" I yelled kicking it. "Cant one thing at least" kick! "work?!" kick! "Is it so much to ask?!"
As quick as the rage had come it was gone. I was drained. Defeated. I fell to the floor. Tears began to fall along my face. I looked down at my hands as I cried uncontrollably, my hands trembled before my obscure vision and no matter how hard I tried to compose myself and push away this raw pain and cease the trembling I couldn't. "What's wrong with me?" I gasped as tears streamed, my eyes closed in attempt to shield myself. My hands sat cupped before me, doing nothing except capturing a puddle of pain. "God." I cried trying to find comfort "What is wrong with you?" I whispered my voice breaking in disgust at my reaction.
"It's not you."
The next thing I knew I was warm and secure, I was in someone's arms, their arms. His arms. His chin sat on top of my head and their arms were wrapped around my waist as they held me on the floor. I allowed my face to burry into the curve of their neck as I inhaled their scent sharply. We rocked back and forth in silence except for my unsteady breath as I attempted to gain peace. It didn't come; instead it took a while as all this pain finally exploded that I had held back.
It wasn't until I'd calmed down that I realized that they were speaking in the same rhythm as our rocking bodies; "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." That was all they said.
I didn't get it, because I was already over it. I'd already forgiven him. No matter how much I was hurt I'd always come back.
I moved my head so my cheek rested against his shoulder his warmth a blanket and his scent intoxicating. This was exactly where I had wanted to be all this time, and finally I was there. His hands pulled through my hair as he continued apologizing me as rocking me back and forth.
It was as I was about to tell him t was okay that he spoke, "Tanz don't say it's okay." He growled into my hair.
But it was; he was holding me. How couldn't it?
"But it-"
He spoke over top of me "No buts." He ordered my head bobbing as his chest vibrated. Through this unexplainable connection I could feel his disgust for himself, Will literally loathed himself. "I'm at monster."
I was speechless, every ounce of me wanted to comfort him, to cry at how he could think such thoughts. "Will you are not a-"
He cut over me again, not wanting to be convinced. He had already made his mind up, a long time before I came into the picture. "Not just my personality or what I am doing to you. But all myself, what I am, I am a monster."
I gasped "William Creed. You are far from a monster! Do not, ever, ever call yourself that again!" my body was burning with anger at I'm.
He buried his face in my hair "But I am. You don't know me."
My fingers drummed along his forearm impatiently "I know you well enough. No matter what it is that you think makes you a monster silence it!" I ordered. "I know you. And you are not a monster, you're not a monster." I whispered.
Will tightened his hold and he inhaled sharply into my hair, goose bumps erupted all over my body as I repressed a shiver of pleasure. "I don't know what to say; sorry or thank you."
I closed my eyes, I felt brilliant. Happy. "You don't have to say anything." I whispered.
It was silence, pure silence; all that was audible was the steady breeze outside and the soft hum from the fridge from the kitchen. My thoughts had stopped racing and I was drifting, until something amazing happened. Will's hand moved to my hair and crawled and pulled through it. It probably sounded stupid but William Creed was playing with my hair! Instantly I felt dizzy and electrified, my body tingled and my heart sped. It was ridiculous, but I didn't care, it felt so good. Just from him touching my hair!
"I think I have an idea." He murmured softly tugging on a strand.
I smiled "What's that?" I whispered.
"Well instead of me presuming what you need most, I'll ask." My cheeks burned; I couldn't admit what I needed. "So what do you need? Want me to leave?"
My head instantly shot up and I stood up. He watched me; his face a mixture of confusement and worry.
"I need you" I began; I could tell my smile playing on my lips was relaxing him as a cool sensation ran down me. "I need you" I began again, those words a secret truth in itself, yet they were always going to be just that, a secret. "to teach me how to paint." My smile wide as I offered my hand for him.
He took it chuckling.
Standing up he wandered over to the wall. "First we need tape, to go around the edge so you don't get it everywhere. Painting within the lines."
I looked through the box in the corner full of all the gear I'd bought. "Can't we just use duck tape or something?" I asked bent over deep into the box.
"No." he said, I looked up smiling. "Duck tape would just peel the paint back off." He stated as if it was obvious.
I laughed "Of course, how silly of me." I said my hands on my hips, my sarcasm obvious. He watched me smiling his eyes glittering gorgeously.
Walking over he dug his hands into the box and pulled out the tape. "Here." He said. I blinked a couple of times.
Gathering myself I pointed to the wall. "Only that one." I said only wanting a feature wall.
He walked over to it and instantly he was cutting off strands of tape. As he worked I watched in fascination. Not of panting though, but at him. His loose blue jeans and black shirt fit him snug, but great snug. His hair was sticking up all over the place and his sin looked even darker against the white wall. He moved quickly but also with a graceful precision, scanning his movements I happened to notice a slower movement, whenever he'd reach up high his movements slowed down, cautiously almost warily.
Taking a couple steps forward I stood beside him, leaving distance trying to act casual. "So" I said looking at the wall as if it was what held my curiosity. "What did you do to your right shoulder?" Oh real subtle Tanze, you freaking fruit loop!
I could sense his swift and sharp glance my way. "Uh," he said as he became tangled into the tape, not watching what he was doing. "From that tree branch remember?" he asked sounding distracted.
"So when do I meet Colby?"
There was a pause; I looked over at him "Colby?"
I nodded smiling "Yeah, Colby."
His face changed to one of understanding. It confused me, how did you not remember the name of your dog? Unless he knew more than one Colby. "I dunno. Have to wait and see I guess." He said smiling.
My heart throbbed and at that incant my sore began to sear. Weakly I stumbled over and collapsed on the bed.
Will's eyes followed my every move with concern as I struggled for an even breath. "Are you alright?"
"Head spin." I said attempting to laugh, and failing as my voice shook. "So when is that?" I asked attempting a distraction.
"Well after you read that book I'll see how you go."
I smiled "Brain teaser is it?" I teased.
He smiled back, some other emotion flickering through his eyes, was that an agreement? "Something like that, just concentrate and think."
I smiled "I'll do my best." I must admit beneath my smile was nerves, it was just a book right? "So what is it about?" I asked.
He shrugged and my body tensed only for a second. I presumed just from the reaction on Will's face as he shrugged. That must be one horrible gash. "Just myths and legends I suppose you could say."
I nodded intrigued "Where did you get it from? It looks old." I said thoughtfully.
"Yeah," Will agreed nodding "I got it from a secondhand shop." He said as his focus fell back on the wall.
My question time was over.
♥
"No. Don't do that." Will sighed with exasperation. I giggled. He was getting more and more frustrated with my stupidity with painting. "One direction only." He repeated. I smiled laughing into my shoulder. "Haven't you done anything like this?" he asked stunned and exhausted from his hopeless teaching, he was a perfectionist I discovered.
"Hey! I grew up with my own personal maid for crying out loud! You really think I painted my own room?" I asked pointedly.
He nodded slowly "Good point, it be social suicide." He murmured. I giggled and he smiled over at me. "How did you stand it?" he asked taking the roller off me and doing it himself.
I shrugged "I didn't. I hung out with my brother, avoided those stupid social parties, my suburbs and mum's friends. Oh, and anyone to do with my school."
He frowned "So what did you do?"
I ran my fingers through my hair "Talked to the girls from here, Adam was my savior and his girlfriend Amber. They are only a year older or I went to other suburbs in the city. I mean if I was caught in jeans and converse in my area instead of Gucci it was like a federal crime." I said laughing with no humor as I reflected. "I ignored mum's gifts and attempts too. Finally in the end I got through to her that it wasn't what I wanted and she was...embarrassed by me with her friends so in the end there were no parties. Once Adam went to uni it was hell so I decided to get out."
"It sounds hideous."
♥
"There." He said putting it down. "Done."
I smiled "Do you want a drink?" I asked digging my hands into my pockets, he smiled a yes. "Come on." I said leading the way down the hall and into the kitchen. Opening the fridge I gestured to a Coke and he nodded in agreement. I chucked one over and he caught it with ease even though it was a terrible throw as it slipped between my fingers at the last second as I recoiled from the pain searing just along my bra. I acted as if it was by accident and as if didn't wince, reaching into the fridge cautiously I pulled out another Coke. Tentatively and cautiously I lifted myself up to sit on the counter top.
"What I don't get" Will began as he walked around to face me "is that you get cars real well, but you don't get the mechanics of painting."
I laughed as I held the cool can in between my fingers in my lap. "How do you know I get cars, I may not." I said pointedly. He raised a pointed brow and I blushed looking down "Okay." I allowed.
He smiled and took a step in closer "It's lucky than" he whispered taking one more step in, I was alarmed that my knees brushed against his chest, "It's lucky that" he picked up a strand of my hair, my eye were on him. "I'm not one to get intimidated by a girl knowing more about cars than I." he whispered down at me his eyes on the strand of my hair he was tugging on.
"A girl?" I asked.
He blinked as his eyes watched my hair slier through his fingers "Girl meaning you." He said a smile playing on his lips.
I didn't move.
"I am lucky than." I finally managed to whisper.
He softly tugged on a strand of my hair "You're hair is so distracting it's not funny." He said straightening up as his voice was back to normal. I attempted to laugh; weakly.
"So what about you?" I asked "What's your family like?"
He crossed to the bench on the other side of the kitchen, directly across from me, he hoisted himself up just as cautious as me. I had never noticed before but he was graceful and strong; everything was done with ease; like taking the gauze off my window, I'd forgotten about it but as I remembered it, it instantly drew me on edge. Will would never hurt you though.
"My family" he began, bringing me back to the surface "is great, they've got rules and certain pressures but" he paused.
"They're just protecting you." I finished for him.
"Exactly." He nodded.
"Will" I began tentatively "You don't have to answer but before how you think you don't deserve things and you think you're a....monster." I struggled to even speak it. Will tensed slightly. "Well does your family tell you that?" I asked.
Will smiled reassuringly "No, they think it's natural, not bad."
I relaxed even though I didn't even understand the conversation and I didn't even know what 'it' is.
"But you do." I stated rather than asked.
"That there is the one thing we disagree on, well I haven't voiced it to my parents as there is no point and it'd kill them. I think deep down they know. But I don't like who I am, what I am."
I paused to rearrange my thoughts "I have no idea exactly what you on about" he smiled, almost sympathetically, guiltily. "and I respect that you can't but it sounds as if your being forced to be something you don't want to be." I said slowly in thought. "I know I don't know everything and my circumstances aren't exactly the same, but it's kind of like me."
He nodded "Except I can't stop being it, because it is me."
I nodded though I disagreed "Nothing is impossible." I said. He smiled, that was all, and although he didn't speak I knew he disagreed. "Why don't you like who you are?" I asked.
"Cause of how others would react, see it."
I shook my head outraged "Will do not listen to them, never. Whoever this dickhead that is making you feel insignificant punch them, kill them for all I care. But don't listen to that bullshit." I ranted as I paced up and down along the bench tops. "Don't let them run your life and ruin it!" I spun around to face him "Because you are not insignificant." I said my chest heaving and my marks screaming in pain. "Why do you even bother or care about what others think?" I asked running my fingers through my hair.
"I've only just started recently." He said softly.
"Started what?" I asked muddled.
He smiled tenderly "Caring for others."
There was a pause. I sighed. "Sorry." I said crossing over to him and sitting up beside him.
"It's okay." he allowed "But you don't know me, enough." He added as he saw my face. "So you may change you mind if you knew." He said jumping down.
My hands fidgeted "Will I ever learn, will I get to know? The real Will, who still wouldn't be hideous?" I asked.
He pulled at a loose curl. "If you read." He murmured his breathe hitting my nose making me entire body shiver.
And again he had done a 180, one second he was close almost to the point I'd think he'd kiss me and the next minute he was running out the door. A yo-yo. He confused me, I wanted to know where I stood in his life, I deserved that much.
He looked down at me his eyes holding mine, filling me, as if he could see right through me. His breath caressed my face tickling me, the smell of him breath stealing as my heart pounded hard and heavy.
"Kiss me." I whispered the words passing my lips before I could even blink.
And instantly he shut down like a flick of a switch and he stepped away towards the door.
I laughed a mirthless laugh "I don't get you Will, I really don't." I said chucking my hands up in the air. "What is it? Seriously?! One second you're the sweetest person ever, feeding me this...hope! And the next your taking five steps back." I stepped towards him and he instantly stepped back. "See!" I cried my mouth finally spilling all my thoughts that even I had avoided. He edge further back towards the door. "I don't get it, seriously! If you don't like me that's fine but stop leading me on! I can't take much more!" I cried my voice breaking as I fought back tears. "What is it anyways? Am I not smart enough? Is that why you won't tell me anything? Do you think I am stupid?! Or am I not pretty enough for your standards?" I asked holding his gaze as he stepped back some more, his aim; to run. His goal; the door. His eyes flickered than as if confirming my questions, the breath getting knocked out of me. "That's it isn't it." I said laughing miserably just wanting to cry. "I'm not pretty enough." My voice broke. "I'm sorry I'm not pre-"
"You are beautiful." He growled capturing my face in his hands a grip hat said he wasn't going anywhere. I stumbled in his hold my breath lost."You are beautiful." He whispered his thumb gliding down the side of my face slowly, I trembled beneath him.
"Kiss me than." I whispered as his eyes met mine.
His eyes softened and again he stepped away "I can't." He whispered his voice broke before fleeing through the front door.
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