Friday, November 13th- 8:16 p.m.
| Skewer |
a sort of inside-out pin, a move that attacks a piece of value, but there is a piece behind it of equal or lesser value that will be captured anyway if the attacked piece moves.
× × ×
"She told me she was with you."
I tried to avoid growing frantic for the sake of us both, trying to formulate an excuse as to why I would be with her but not know where she is.
"Yeah," I laughed back, trying to make it seem like I wasn't lying right through my teeth. In the long run, it was better for us both. Only I needed to be stressed out about her if I kept her mom in the dark. "She sent me in here after a sweatshirt of hers and bet me 10 bucks I wouldn't ask you that."
Her mom shook her head, laughing lightly. She bought it. "Well, if she asks, I'll tell her you did it."
"Yeah, I don't think I'm getting my $10 now that I told you about it," I laughed again, trying to humor her. I started up the steps for the 'sweatshirt' I was in search of, listening as her mom responded from downstairs.
"I won't tell her that either," she called back as I disappeared up the steps.
I moved quickly to her room, now frantic as to where she actually was. We were barely on normal speaking terms right now. Why would she tell her mom we were together?
I entered her room fast, grabbing the first sweatshirt I saw and turning back for the steps. I ran back down them, on a mission now to find her.
My mind was getting the worst of me... But the last time it did, it was right.
Her mom looked over as I ran past her, so I gave her a quick "got it" as I held out the clothing. She smiled at me, quickly calling back, "You two be careful now. Don't do anything I wouldn't."
I nodded back to her as I reached the door, calling "of course. Have a good night, Ms. Hemmings."
I walked out as she responded, needing to move fast now that Auni's safety was possibly on the line. She'd been crying when she left but I thought they were happy tears. I thought she was okay.
I pulled out my phone as I ran towards my car, quickly calling her as I got in. I had a guess of where she was, but I also had a fear of not finding her.
I threw the car into drive and peeled out of her neighborhood as the phone continued to ring out in my ear, eventually dropping to her voice mailbox.
I hung up on my end, dropping my phone to my lap as I sped my way through the route I'd taken so many times, whispering "please just be safe" under my breath.
The longer I drove, the closer I rose to a panic. I kept thinking, what if she's not there? Where would she be? I had to just keep driving, silently praying to myself she'd be at the endpoint.
It felt like every muscle in my body was tight with fear as I pulled onto the stone road. It was moments like this that made me realize just how much she meant to me. I was so afraid for her safety that I was practically sacrificing my own with the way I was driving.
When I swung around the turn and my headlights reflected off the back of her car, I felt that same relief flood over me again. It didn't completely diminish my fear, but it was enough to keep me sane till I could hold her again to know she was safe.
I parked my car quickly, grabbing my bag and her sweatshirt out of the passenger seat and climbing out. I walked through the front door, not being surprised when it was unlocked. I really needed to start reminding her about that.
I locked it behind me, still not seeing her anywhere as I entered the familiar place. I figured she was in the bedroom, so I walked myself in through there, setting my stuff on the bed with still no sign of her.
I stepped back out into the main area, my fear rising now that I couldn't find her like I thought I would. I walked back through the cabin, reaching the sliding glass door before I spotted her.
She was sitting on the end of the dock again, her feet in the water this time, a bottle beside her. I opened the door quickly, needing to get to her fast as my fear continued to spike. She hasn't truly drank since September. Her tolerance is as low as mine.
When I opened the door, she didn't even turn to look at me. She stayed facing the water, splashing back and forth with her feet.
"Angel," I called as I got halfway down the dock. "What are you doing?"
She didn't respond. She didn't even move. She showed no reaction, not even acknowledging my presence.
"Auni," I called again as I neared closer to her.
I was only feet away as I stopped myself. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I needed the mental check that she was physically here since she hadn't responded still.
"Angel, what's wro-"
"You know, when I was sixteen, after Andrew tried to rape me the first time, Calum told me living like a youngblood hurt too," she cut me off, making me stop in place and just listen. "I didn't believe him."
She shook her head as she spoke, and I could tell this was something more than what I was expecting. I slowly brought myself down to sit behind her, giving her a shoulder to cry on when she finally turned around.
"I thought he was crazy," she laughed, still focusing out on the water and the sky as she spoke. "I thought there was no way the adrenaline and alcohol could ever stop being enough that it would make me feel pain again. I was completely numb, and I was okay with it."
I sat still as she continued, but felt myself tense as she finally turned to face me again. Her eyes were rimmed red, small black circles around them from her make-up running. She'd obviously been crying, and more than just when she was at the game.
"I was numb until I fell in love with you," she spoke quietly, her words feeling like a dagger in my chest. "You made me want to feel my emotions. You made me not want to drink again. You made me feel happy for the first time since I can remember. You stole that numbness from me, but I was okay with it."
I could barely force myself to hold eye contact with her. Each word she spoke felt like a build-up to the eventual cliff I would be pushed off for hurting her, but she deserved for someone to listen. I forced myself to take in every word she said, even if it felt like it would hurt me in the end.
"I was finally happy again with you, Ash. I wanted to be alive," she kept going, slowly looking back out onto the water. "The idea of being numb was on the back burner, because I was finally happy again... But then I found out it was all a lie, and I didn't know how to handle those broken emotions that time around. I thought I'd found eternal happiness with you and I wasn't ready to feel any emotions but that again."
I wanted to apologize again. I'd say it a million times over until she believed me.
"When you broke me, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready for that pain again. I thought I'd go back to being numb again, but I didn't. I turned to tequila and Lexapro in hopes maybe it would make me happy again, maybe even just make me numb... But they didn't work either," she continued. "I thought when we'd started to fix us, maybe we'd be okay, maybe that eternal happiness would come back... And it did for a moment, until I realized just how much I love you."
"Auni," I tried, slowly growing fearful of where this was headed.
"I never deserved the pain you caused me, but you'll never deserve for me to dictate your future. You deserve to build your future without me, and I don't know how else to prove that to you," she spoke. Those were the exact words I was too scared to hear.
"Angel, I hav-"
"I went numb again," she cut me off. "It won't hurt me anymore when you leave. It's like we never even happened, and it's safer for us both that way."
"Angel, please listen to-"
"No, Ash," she stopped me again, turning to face me again. "Please. Every word you speak makes me want to stay, but I know what's best for you."
I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her so bad, but she didn't want to hear.
"Did you drink that whole bottle?" I asked, changing the subject. I watched as she turned to look at the almost empty bottle beside her, shrugging as she looked at it.
"You told me last time you have to bring it with you when you know it's going to be a rough night," she remarked, a smirk on her face as she said it. "It's a rough night."
"Your tolerance is so low from being sober for so long. You're gonna get alcohol poisoning," I reasoned, looking at her in disbelief of what she'd done to herself.
"No shit, Sherlock," she responded, leaning her head down against her arm that held her knees to her chest. "I was hoping it would kill me, or at least knock me out, by the time you got here."
I could feel her defensiveness slowly returning, making me more nervous as I tried to bring her back to me. "Angel, you don't mea-"
"Actually, why the hell are you here?" she cut me off, finally standing up from her spot.
I stood up too, facing her as I tried to remain calm as she grew angry for no apparent reason. "It's a whole story if you'd just let me expl-"
"I honestly don't give a shit," she stopped me again, picking up her bottle at her side.
I stopped myself from responding, knowing my words could potentially be more dangerous than leaving it at silence. When I looked back up, she'd brought the bottle back up to her lips, taking another swig when she was already past alcohol poisoning.
"Auni," I tried to stop her, stepping closer to take the bottle.
She stepped back from me, keeping enough distance between us so that I could be no help. "What are you doing?" I asked again, shaking my head.
She shrugged, stepping around me to walk back inside without a response. I stood there dumbfounded at how she was acting, slowly turning to watch her as she walked away. She turned back towards me suddenly as she reached about halfway down the dock. "Why the hell does it matter to you anyway?"
I felt myself tense my jaw in annoyance. I'd seen Auni drunk, and this wasn't my Auni drunk.
"Because you're drunk and pretty soon, you're gonna kill yourself," I finally spat out, trying to keep my voice low to avoid a screaming match.
"I literally just told you to get out of my life and pretend we never happened. Did you miss that?" she asked back, turning back to walk inside again.
I followed after her, in complete disbelief as to how she was acting. "Yeah, but you're drunk and won't even remember this conversation tomorrow," I called after her as I walked inside after her. I closed and locked the door behind me, hoping maybe she was so drunk she wouldn't be able to get it unlocked to go back outside. "Plus, I need to talk to the actual you, so I at least have to wait till your sober."
"Who says I'm planning on stopping any time soon?" she asked with a devilish smirk on her face.
I paced over to her, reaching for the bottle in her hand as she brought it to her lips again. I pulled it from her hand, walking quickly away from her as I responded, "me."
She watched from her spot as I walked to the sink, pouring the reminisce of the bottle down the drain. She scoffed from across the room, "what the fuck is your issue, Ashton? You're not my parent. You're sure as hell not my boyfriend. You don't get to just cut me off."
"Call me whatever you want, but I'm not going to let you try to kill yourself again," I told her, growing angry with every passing minute as she did too. "Apparently I'm not your boyfriend anymore, but you sure as hell need one to keep you alive."
Each word tainted the memories of this place, and I hated that I couldn't stop it.
"You better watch your fucking mouth, Jackass," she responded as I threw the bottle in the trash. "Huh," she laughed. "I like that. That's what I'm going to call you- Jackass."
I just shook my head at her. "Okay, you do that," I responded, rubbing my face as I tried to walk away before something else slipped that shouldn't. I could feel her eyes on me as I walked away.
"What the hell is your issue?" she finally snapped, yelling through this small cabin loud enough it echoed.
"My issue?" I stopped myself, turning back to face her. "What's my issue?" I started yelling with her. "You want to talk about someone's issues? What the fuck is your issue?"
I'd snapped, and I knew it would be a while before I got myself together again. I needed a second to reground, but I knew she would never give me that. When she gets defensive, she prays on your weakest point, and mine was my father. She knew that, and she'd push me until one of us broke.
"Oh, I don't know, Ashton. Maybe my issue is that I told you to get the fuck out of my life and you're still here. Maybe it's because I was trying to make it easier for us both and you're making it difficult," she responded, her voice just as loud as mine as we went back and forth between these four walls.
"Because you won't even fucking listen to me!" I yelled even louder, growing flat-out pissed after everything else tonight piling on. "I just wanted to actually talk to you and layout what I just found out and how it would affect us but you're so fucking drunk you're slurring your words."
"Go ahead. Fucking say whatever is so important!" she yelled back, stepping towards me.
My hands ran through my hair, landing on my neck as I leaned back and took a grounding breath. "No," I told her, quieter this time. "You're not in the right headspace to even understand what I would say."
"What the hell would it matter anyways?" she yelled again, pushing my patience more than I could explain.
I would never physically hurt her- we both knew that. But the way she was acting was riping away at each level of control I had before I snapped at her again. I hated yelling in general and I knew soon enough words that would hurt her emotionally would fall out.
"Because this has the power to save us, Angel," I explained, still staying quieter compared to our screaming match just seconds earlier. "And I actually want that."
she laughed below her breath, opening her mouth to respond but stopping herself. "I'm not even going to say anything," she laughed, walking away from me.
"What the hell is your issue, Auni?" I asked again, truly wanting an answer this time. "It's really starting to feel like I'm the only one of us that actually wants to save us."
"Maybe you should take your own hint," she whispered back, rolling her eyes before turning her back to me.
"You don't even want to try, do you?" I asked as I connected the dots.
"It's better for us both," she responded, finally calm in some manner. "I'm numb now so you won't even be hurting me."
"Yeah, Auni, but I'm not!" I snapped again, yelling through the cabin louder than before. "I'm not fucking numb! I feel every part of this! I'm trying so hard to keep us together, keep you together, but you just keep pushing me away! I know you think what you're doing is best, but I can tell you for a fact it's not. It might not be hurting you, but it's destroying me!"
"You don't get the right to be hurt by this!" she snapped back, pacing back towards me so we were only feet away. "You broke me first! I tried to put myself back together without you and look where it got me! I hate who I am without you but you don't deserve to deal with this version of me!"
"But I love every version of you, Angel," I yelled back, just feet away from her. " You deserve to be loved, regardless of what you think. A little distance isn't going to kill what we have, I won't let it. I watched myself destroy you piece by piece not too long ago, and I never want to watch that again! I'm not going to give up on us. I don't care how hard I have to fight to prove that to you! I would let it kill me before I'd let you give us up!"
"But all you do is hurt me!" she yelled again, starting to snap not just physically but emotionally too as tears started down her face. "I don't deserve that!"
"I know you don't! That's why I'm trying to protect you from everything I can!" I yelled back, trying to quiet myself enough to not break her again, but I was past my own breaking point and had no control of what was slipping from my lips. I watched as she turned her back to me, stepping away enough to give herself distance.
"You are the danger, Ashton!" she snapped again, turning back to face me. "You are what I need protected from!" she continued yelling, pacing back towards me. I expected her to stop a few feet out like she had every time before, but she continued closer. "You're what broke me and you're going to be what does it again!"
I was ready to respond to her but was quickly cut off as she continued. "I'm fucking scared!" she yelled again.
I focused in on her face. I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks, carrying the black streaks of mascara with it. Her eyes were red all over, and I knew she wasn't numb like she said.
I was so concentrated on observing her features that I slipped back at the impact of her fist into my chest. It knocked me off balance. I wasn't expecting it or anything like it from her so it surprised me more than I could admit.
I got myself rebalanced only to take another hit from her. I tried to calm her as she obviously snapped both emotionally and physically all at once. "Auni, relax."
She continued her motions, releasing all her anger she could as she hit her fists against me. She continued her yelling as she did, past her recovery point. "I'm fucking scared of you! I'm scared of us! I'm scared for you and I'm scared for me! I don't fucking know what to do! All you do is-"
"Auni," I cut her off, not loud enough to stop her.
She'd put me in a position that I truly didn't know what to do. I didn't want to yell at her, and I sure as hell didn't want to grab her wrists to stop her as she yells about how scared she is of me- it would only set her off further.
"Angel!" I tried again, just a little louder as I brought my hands up to slowly block her. I was hoping soon enough she would run out of energy, but for now, I would take it until she did.
At the use of her nickname, she completely broke. Her words of frustration fell to choked-out cries. Her fists stopped against my chest, my hands wrapping around hers to keep her sane for a moment. Her head fell in against me, refusing to look at me as she finally reached her emotional breaking point.
I held both her hands in one of mine, reaching my other around her back to pull her into me. In her weakest moments, she always wanted to be held. I just hoped that was what she needed right now.
She hit me one last time and let out a cry with it before her body slowly gave out, her energy drained. I felt as her weight shifted into me, her knees practically buckling as she leaned into me.
"I'm sorry," she finally cried into me, her whole body weak in my arms.
"Hey, it's okay, Angel," I reassured her. I slowly let myself fall to the ground with her, letting her sit on my lap as she broke down.
She sat straddling my lap, her face buried in my neck as she continued crying. I leaned my face against her shoulder, rubbing my hand up and down her back. I was trying to do everything I could to comfort her, but all she truly needed was time.
"I'm so sorry," she repeated into my shoulder.
"Shh, it's okay," I continued to try to calm her. "You're okay. I got you."
I shouldn't have felt as close to her in this moment as I did. But when you looked back at every moment from our relationship, every important confession had been fed off anger and fear. I knew now that I was the danger, but in reality, we were just dangerous together. We were danger to the other, but we risked it to have the other.
"I'm so scared, Ash," she cried against me.
"I know, Angel," I whispered back. "I am too."