There was a loud and obnoxious knock on the door.
Peter was lying near the edge of the king-sized bed in his boxer shorts, his face pressed against the side of a pillow and his arm clutching the duvet cover. The AC had been on full blast all night.
Peter lifted his head up slightly, squinting his eyes open. He noticed Gwen near the other side of the bed, lying with her knees curled up to her chest. She was wearing nothing but Peter's massively oversized high school decathlon t-shirt. Her hair was a tangled mess falling across her cheek. She pushed it away from her face now sleepily, pulling the duvet back over her.
They heard the knock even louder again and Gwen sighed loudly. She was not a morning person.
"What?" Gwen groaned, her voice croaky.
"We made you guys Bellinis." they heard James' voice from outside the door. "Me and Ned's special recipe."
It was Fall Break, and Peter was still a little shocked that George and Helen had let a bunch of unsupervised college students spend four nights in their brand new beach house.
Gwen's parents had hired a minivan to take Peter, Gwen, Katie, Sutton, James, Ned, Li Mei, MJ and Miles near Albany Beach the previous afternoon. Peter wasn't totally thrilled with everyone that was invited - especially Miles - but he was just grateful to be out of school and practically on a mini-vacation.
To be honest, Peter couldn't remember much of last night. They'd all unpacked their stuff when they got there, then got into bathing suits and hung by the beach. Peter stayed with Gwen the entire time, and tried not to stare at MJ and Miles visibly being all over each other. Sutton had set up some kind of volleyball tournament and Peter's team had lost.
Then there was dinner...prepared by sous chefs...and a whole lot of drinking. Gwen's parents really wanted to treat them on their first night. Katie, the queen of shots, poured out round after round for everyone. The music was loud and they were all dancing and hanging out by the pool. James offered Peter his vape pen at some point and he'd accepted, inhaling raspberry flavoured vape juice until he felt light-headed.
Peter barely spoke to MJ. MJ barely spoke to Peter. She was all over Miles. What happened to kissing him and meaning it?
Ned got pushed in the pool by Katie. At least Peter thought it was Katie that had pushed him in. Then Miles threatened to throw MJ in until they both fell in, drunk out of their minds. Peter was tired of watching them.
Gwen was sat on his lap at one of the bistro sets with Li Mei opposite them. Gwen and Li Mei were just giggling and Peter wasn't sure why they were giggling...until he realized they were passing Molly between each other.
Peter told Gwen not to touch it and asked Li Mei where the hell she'd got them from. Now that he thought about it...he couldn't remember Li Mei's reply. Gwen was a little tipsy so she told Peter he was being a bitch about it and she was only going to try one.
Then Gwen and Li Mei were high. And dancing hopelessly with each other. Katie dared Li Mei to kiss Gwen and she did, playfully. Then they were both laughing hysterically.
Peter had to carry Gwen upstairs eventually. She was still high and saying a lot of emotional and soppy shit to him. Peter was just nodding and pretending to listen. He still felt a little light headed himself.
It was Gwen's house after all, so she and Peter had got the master bedroom. It was the most insane room Peter had ever stayed in. Peter put Gwen down on the bed, then she started saying something along the lines of she was already feeling kind of horny and that the ecstasy had made it even worse.
Peter was pretty sure they'd had sex. Then he'd given Gwen his T-shirt to sleep in. Then Gwen said it was super hot in the room and Peter had just turned the AC all the way up.
And that was all he remembered.
"You made what?" Gwen exclaimed again.
"Bellinis!" James called back. "A well-known cocktail. Are you hard of hearing, woman?"
Peter could hear Ned laughing outside the door now.
"Oh...okay." Gwen said, rolling out of bed and yawning.
She glanced at herself in the walnut-framed full length mirror that hung near the bed, then put her glasses on her face sleepily.
"Oh my God, I look like shit." Gwen muttered, scratching her neck. "Coming guys!"
She walked cautiously up to the door, very aware, Peter thought, that she had nothing on under his t-shirt.
Gwen opened it slightly and got handed two ice-cold drinks in cocktail glasses with pink straws and orange slices.
"Thanks, James." Gwen said, laughing a little.
"Rough night, huh?" Peter heard James say.
"Shut up." Gwen said, but she was still smiling.
"Well...enjoy the drinks, princess." James said. "Only Ned and I are awake...oh and Miles - he's making everyone breakfast."
Of course he is, Peter thought.
"Okay, we'll join you guys in a bit." Gwen said, nodding at James and Ned before shutting the door with her foot.
Gwen groaned before placing the drinks on her bedside table.
"It's too early." she said, climbing back into bed.
"It's 10:30 a.m." Peter said, finally moving out of the position he was lying in. "You're just abnormal, Gwen."
She gasped before hitting him with a pillow playfully. Peter didn't even flinch because he just felt numb.
"What...like what even...happened last night?" Gwen said, turning over to Peter and rubbing her eyes.
"You tell me." Peter said, propping two pillows behind him and sitting up against them. "Except I remember you telling me you wanted us to get a house in SoHo after college...and that you wanted to have all my babies...and that you'd make them tater tots shaped like dinosaurs just like your mom used to."
Gwen put her hands over her face now, laughing.
"What the fuck." she muttered.
"Gwen - you were so high." Peter said, smiling a little now too. "I had to take you to the bathroom twice cus you were 'too scared to go alone.'"
"Oh my God, Peter, I'm sorry." Gwen said, her laughter dying down. "I'm never doing drugs ever again."
"Good." Peter replied.
She moved further up the bed and lay down so her head was near him. He put his fingers in her hair, half playing it with it and half trying to undo the tangles in it.
"I don't even wanna go outside and look at the state of the pool." Gwen sighed.
"Oh, it's well and truly fucked Gwen, don't even worry about it." Peter replied.
"God..." Gwen sighed again. "Mom and Dad are gonna murder me if anything's broken. Will you help me clean up?"
"Sure." Peter said. "And if anything's broken you can just say I did it...then they won't care."
"That's true." Gwen chuckled. "Peter, I think you could break into my house and steal my dad's car and he wouldn't care. He'd just be like...well I mean, I'm sure Peter had his reasons for stealing the car...it was a stupid old thing anyway."
Gwen's imitation of her Dad's thick New York accent was priceless, and they were both laughing for another two minutes.
Peter still wasn't used to how much George and Helen liked him. They never failed to request to see Peter's face whenever Gwen was on FaceTime and he was in the room. Helen would occasionally text him and check if he was okay, asking if he needed anything. George had even started sending Peter money when he gave Gwen her allowance, claiming Peter was their long-lost kid and he wanted to make sure he was 'looked after'."
He wasn't sure if they just felt sorry for him about his parents after all these years, but they were seriously the nicest people he'd ever met.
"I'm gonna hop in the shower." Gwen said, just as Peter thought his sides were hurting from laughing.
She got out of bed fully now, taking a sip from her Bellini and then passing Peter his.
"We're hungover and now we're having more alcohol." Peter said, but he took the glass from her anyway.
Gwen got in the shower and Peter picked up his phone to send his usual goodmorning text to May. He'd been sending them to Happy too. May hadn't replied yet but Happy had sent a photo.
'Happy Fall Break, kiddo. Look what I picked up today...'
Peter almost gasped when he saw a picture of a emrald ring in a red velvet box. The jewel was an oval shape with rose-tinted crystals within it.
'It's stunning, Happy.' Peter texted, with multiple crying face emojis.
He couldn't wait to be there at that moment where Happy got down on one knee. He'd imagined it a lot of times in his head. May would probably burst into tears and barely get the word yes out. Then Happy would put the ring on her finger before kissing her. Peter would take photos with his film camera that he'd keep forever. May would hug Peter and cry some more and maybe Peter would cry too.
By the time Gwen had got of the shower, Peter had almost finished his Bellini. She had soaking wet hair and a towel around her body. She began blow-drying her hair as Peter started to brush his teeth.
"Which bikini should I wear today?" Gwen called out from inside the room.
"Um...that black one?" Peter said, with toothpaste still in his mouth. "You showed it to me yesterday."
"Oh - yeah." Gwen said. "Thanks."
Peter finished brushing his teeth, as she came into the bathroom quickly so Peter could help her tighten the strap around her back.
He was just kind of obsessed with her. The freckles on her arms and on the bridge of her nose. The way she walked as if she was slightly hesitant. The layers of silver necklaces that she never took off.
He did up the strap for her then she turned to look at herself in the mirror, as if she was inspecting her body.
"Do I look...sexy in this?" Gwen asked, combing her hands through her semi-damp hair.
Peter held her arms and kissed her shoulder quickly.
"I think you always look sexy." he said. "And my opinion is the only one that matters, right?"
"I guess." Gwen said.
"Look." Peter said softly, turning her around so she could see herself in the mirror properly. "Isn't she pretty?"
Gwen just blushed and smiled.
"Even with her very averagely sized boobs?" she laughed a little.
"Who set the standard for averagely sized boobs?" Peter shrugged.
"You have a point." Gwen said, turning to look at him.
"Okay, hotshot, go get dressed." Peter said, kissing her cheek again before ushering her out of the bathroom.
Peter showered and settled on a pair of swim trunks to wear. He pulled on a white shirt that he'd thrifted over the summer with Ned. It had the Nirvana logo in the front; Peter had never listened to their music but Ned had said it looked cool.
Gwen threw on some shorts and a light blue crop top. He took her hand as they walked out of the room, down the stairs and into the dining area. It was stunning, with large windows that looked onto the beach. The table was oak wood, decorated with white and grey vases. Three industrial style lamps hung from the ceiling and the chairs were a white linen to match everything else.
Connected to the dining room was the kitchen and Peter could already see James and Ned in their trunks and shirts, standing at the island and pouring more Proseco into a huge glass of orange juice.
Miles was at the stove, attending to what looked like a bunch of fried eggs. He wasn't wearing a shirt, showing off his abs and arm muscles. He really did cook breakfast, Peter thought. On the counter was several pieces of French toast cut up and sprinkled with powdered sugar, a platter of bacon, a stack of pancakes, slices of watermelon and grapes, this impressive kind of sausage kebab thing and cream cheese bagels.
Gwen's mouth opened. "Miles, you did all this?" she said.
"James and Ned helped a little too." Miles shrugged, like it was no big deal. "We can start putting stuff on the table - it's almost ready."
"Thank you, Miles." Gwen said. "It looks incredible."
"We got more Bellini." James said, putting the huge jug near the vases.
Peter and Gwen helped to put more food on the table and Miles continued cooking the eggs, whistling to himself.
Peter and Miles were cool now but it didn't mean that Peter was going to be his best friend. They'd been civil to each other during Tech Bear shifts. Miles still talked about MJ sometimes, but Peter just tried to ignore him.
"Where's MJ?" Gwen asked, getting out more cocktail glasses from a cabinet. "Still sleeping?"
"She'll be out in a couple minutes." Miles said, putting all the eggs onto a large plate. "She had a headache earlier."
"I mean, didn't we all?" James chuckled, already grabbing a slice of French toast from the table and biting into it.
James and Ned sat down. James hooked up his phone to the speaker and played some music at a relatively low volume.
"Let's just have a nice and relaxing time tonight." Gwen said, sitting at the table too. "Peter, can you get the maple syrup from over there?"
"Sure." Peter said, grabbing it and trying not to make eye contact with Miles.
He took his seat next to Gwen now, James offering to pour a drink in his glass.
"No, thanks." Peter said. "I'm gonna opt for water, if that's okay with you."
"Did you bang on everyone's door this morning?" Gwen asked, putting syrup on her pancake.
"First you guys, then Katie and Li Mei." Ned said. "We tried to wake MJ but she literally threatened to kill us. Sutton's still fast asleep in our room."
"No I'm not." Sutton said, emerging from the archway into the dining room. He was wearing no shirt and long pyjama bottoms, his fiery red hair still messy.
"Come join us, amigo." James said, as Sutton sat next to him.
"Wow..." Sutton said, eyeing up all the food. "This is some next level Gordon Ramsay shit."
"Say thank you to Miles." James said, sipping his Bellini.
"Thank you, Miles." Sutton said, in a high-pitched voice.
Miles just shook his head before setting the eggs on the table and sitting down at the end of it.
A Lot by 21 Savage started booming quietly through the speakers and James sang along a little, filming clips for his Instagram story and forcing everyone on the table to appear in them.
Peter thought about how that was the 42nd song on him and MJ's playlist. He didn't know how he'd practically memorized the order. They'd added it one evening while they walked back to the subway after debate club. MJ knew the entire bridge and it was kinda impressive.
"Anyone gonna get on the jet skis today with me?" Sutton said, helping himself to a kebab.
"I'm down, bro." Miles said.
"I'm down for a nap." James said, stretching his arms. "Last night was fucking crazy."
"Me too." Peter said.
"Y'all were drinking like you had four hours to live or something." Sutton smirked.
"Bro, your sister did like twelve shots." James said. "Twelve."
"I know - I saw her." Sutton said. "I also saw her black out in the hammock."
Li Mei appeared from the archway, holding her half finished glass of Bellini in her hand. Her hair was done in her signature plaits and she wore a white bikini with a short denim skirt.
Li Mei had abs too, Peter noticed. She did play varsity lacrosse.
"No one invited me to this shin-dig." she smiled, sitting down next to Gwen. Li Mei pulled Gwen in for a quick side-hug. Peter didn't know sorority sisters could be this touchy.
"Is Katie still passed out?" Sutton asked.
"She's coming." Li Mei said, rubbing her hands together and looking at all the food. "I can tell Miles cooked this. Everyone have a good night?"
"Peter and Gwen did." James said, as Peter told him to shut up.
"No, the highlight of my night was watching you guys make out." Sutton said, gesturing at Li Mei and Gwen.
"Oh my, God." Gwen said, putting a hand to her mouth. "Did I...? I don't even remember that."
"Oh my God, I don't remember that." James said, imitating Gwen.
Gwen just laughed.
"You guys are just jealous." Li Mei said, putting some eggs on her plate. "Gwen is a pretty good kisser."
She was, Peter thought. But he wasn't about to say that out loud in front of everyone.
Ned pulled out his Polaroid and insisted of taking a photo of everyone sat around all the food. Peter smiled for it, putting his arm around Gwen. Then Sutton and Miles started talking about water sports; Miles said he'd been to surfing camp every year since he was nine. Li Mei was coerced into joining them to go jet skiing.
Katie showed up soon enough, her long hair scraped into a messy bun. She was sporting a white playsuit, downing her Bellini and sitting down next to her brother.
"You stole my sunglasses, Sutton." Katie muttered, ripping them off his head and placing them on her face.
"They look way better on me." Sutton said, shaking his head and biting into a pancake. "I see you've risen from the dead."
"James, pass me some apple juice." Katie said, ignoring Sutton and inhaling from her vape.
"The photo came out good." Ned smiled, holding up the Polaroid to show everyone.
"Dang, I wasn't in it." Katie sighed.
"Too bad." Sutton pouted.
They all broke out into their own conversations soon enough, digging in to all the food. Ned and James were talking about some new PlayStation game that had come out. Katie was claiming she could surf better than Miles and they were both having a debate about it. Li Mei said she really needed coffee and Sutton stood up to make her some. He'd brought it to her and she'd said it was really good.
Gwen's leg brushed against Peter's. He talked to her about Thanksgiving and how Happy wanted to plan this whole surprise for May for after the proposal, and how he wanted it to be really special. Gwen started coming up with all sorts of ideas, saying her mom knew this really cool company that did engagement party backdrops.
Breakfast was well on its way by the time MJ walked in.
"Sorry I'm late." she said, smiling a little when she approached the table.
"Hey, sleepy-head." Katie said, gesturing to the seat opposite her and next to Miles. "Come sit - there's more than enough toast left for you."
Peter tried not to look at her for a prolonged period of time. Her hair was loose down her shoulders and she was wearing an oversized purple shirt. It didn't look like hers, Peter thought, so he guessed it was Miles.
Miles put an arm around her waist and MJ put one around his shoulder.
"Head feel better?" Miles said, looking at her.
"Yeah - thanks." MJ said, before leaning over to kiss his lips quickly. "What time can you come with me today?"
Peter had no idea what MJ meant and the table was so loud now that he could barely hear what Miles said next but he thought it sounded something like later, after he'd gone jet skiing.
MJ took her seat, fiddling with her necklace and looked around the table like she was deciding what to eat. Miles was asking her what she wanted and she eventually opted for the pancakes, asking him to grab her some Nutella. Classic, Peter thought.
He couldn't help but watch her every now and again. Pushing her hair behind her hair like she usually did. Engaged in conversation with Katie and laughing occasionally.
He saw Miles look at her, like she was the best thing he'd ever seen. He saw him stroking her arm, his leg wrapped around hers under the table. MJ ran a hand through his hair at one point. Peter thought she'd heard her say that she liked his hair cut like that. He'd spread Nutella on her pancakes and they shared them. Peter never remembered MJ wanting to share her pancakes with anyone.
"You done, babe?" Miles said to her at one point. She nodded as he picked up her plate for her.
It was funny, Peter thought.
He never remembered MJ liking anyone calling her 'babe' either.
"So how is it, Tiger?" May beamed.
She was putting on a face mask and Peter could see that she'd propped him up on a shelf in her bathroom. It was past 11 p.m. for her and she was about to go to bed.
"Really good, so far." Peter said. "You don't even know how nice it is to have a break, May."
Peter was lying on an expensive looking couch with satin pillows in him and Gwen's room. He was near the window as the sun set, a stream of orange light pouring in through the glass. He'd been on FaceTime with May for a good fifty minutes now.
To be honest, they didn't speak often, but when they did, Peter could speak to her for hours.
"Happy and I went out for Thai this evening."May said, concentrating on her face in the mirror. "Then he took me to this string concert, Peter, it was...amazing."
"That's nice." Peter said. "Ugh, I would kill for those dumplings right now."
"How's Gwen, honey?" May said, smiling into her phone. "You two doing okay?"
"Yeah." Peter smiled. "We're good...it's just..."
His voice trailed off as he watched May screw the cover on her face mask pot.
"It's whatever, May." Peter said, brushing what he'd just said off.
"Peter - tell me." May said, running a brush through her long auburn hair. "We're not doing the secrecy thing again - remember?"
Peter ran a hand through his hair nervously.
"MJ's...on this trip too." he said.
"With that boy she's dating?" May said, a concerned look on her face.
"Miles - yeah." Peter said. "Him and I aren't...the best of friends."
May just sighed. Peter could see she turned out the lights in the bathroom and made her way into her room.
"You know what I said about all of this, Peter." May said, climbing into bed. "I know you really care about her - I was there too through the whole thing. But you need to figure out if you really wanna be friends or not."
"I know." Peter said, shutting his eyes quickly. "I can't avoid her, May. She's friends with my friends and I literally work with Miles-"
"Peter, I'm not saying avoid her." May said. "I'm saying - give her space. She's a grown-up now and she can figure things out on her own."
But she needs me, Peter thought.
"You make it sound so simple, May." Peter said.
"I just want the both of you to be happy." May said. "You and MJ."
What if...what if we're not happy without each other?
"And I hope you're still taking those pills." May said.
Happy was on the other side of the bed and May could hear him say hi. Peter said hi back.
Peter had stopped taking the pills his therapist had prescribed him weeks before he started at college. They worked for a while but then they started to make him feel really weird.
"May, I don't need them." Peter said.
"Peter." May began. "I don't want your anxiety getting in the way of your schoolwork. And all the other things you have to do-"
"It doesn't." Peter said. "I'm doing fine."
"Are you sure, Peter?" May said, softly. "Do you need to drop one of your majors? It could give you more time to just relax...and sleep, maybe."
"I don't." Peter said.
Actually, maybe he did. He was scoring relatively high in all his tests and homework, but he didn't know how much longer he could keep everything up. Week after week, he could feel himself getting more behind.
"Okay, Tiger." May sighed, turning on the lamp by her bedside table. "I should probably let you go enjoy yourself."
"Okay." Peter said, kind of sad that he couldn't talk to her for longer.
"I love you." May said, blowing kisses at her screen
"Love you too." Peter smiled. "I'll speak to you soon."
He ended the call and stared up at the ceiling. He was kind of tired - again - and just wanted to go to bed. Him and Gwen had spent the majority of the afternoon cleaning up the pool area, while a few of the others went jet skiing. Ned and James sunbathed by the beach and played a two-man game of soccer.
MJ and Miles had disappeared into the city, saying they were just taking a walk around over there. Miles had rented a motorcycle, and rode on it with MJ. A fucking motorcycle, Peter thought. Could he get any more perfect?
It was rare that MJ and Miles did things that Peter didn't know about. Usually it was Peter and MJ doing things that Miles didn't know about.
The door opened and Gwen stood through it now, looking as if she'd just run half a mile.
"We're making s'mores by the pool." she said. "You coming?"
Peter was feeling really anti-social and he kind of just wanted to stay in their room and watch a movie but he didn't want to tell Gwen that.
"Sure." he said, standing up from the couch. "You okay?"
"Mm hmm." Gwen said, taking his hand. "I joined Ned and James' game and I totally sucked...it was fun though."
When they'd got out to the pool, everyone was sat around the fire pit, talking loudly and dipping marshmallows into the flames, then into bowls of melted chocolate. Everyone except MJ and Miles.
Peter sat down with Gwen, eventually giving her his hoodie because it was getting kinda chilly outside. They ate s'mores and played several rounds of Uno. Peter actually managed to win two of them.
He noticed Sutton and Li Mei were actually...flirting. Li Mei sat on his lap now, flicking through her cards and smiling uncontrollably at everything he said.
At the end of the eighth round of Uno, Sutton stood up, taking Li Mei's hand. They were both a little tipsy from wine. Peter didn't even want to look at another drink that night.
"Where are you guys going?" Katie said, her mouth full of marshmallow.
"None of your business." Sutton said, putting his arm around Li Mei's shoulder, as they both disappeared through the sliding doors.
Gwen raised an eyebrow and looked at James. James shrugged. Katie rolled her eyes.
Then Ned and James begged Gwen to get out her guitar and play them all something. She hesitated a lot, but then finally gave in. She played a James Arthur song and Peter filmed the entire thing on his phone. She had an amazing voice, he thought, and he was super proud of her.
"You should just drop out of Berkeley and become a song writer, Gwen." Ned said, after they'd all clapped.
"Seriously." Katie nodded. "I'll drop out too so that I can be your manager."
"Thanks, guys." Gwen blushed, putting her guitar down next to her.
They heard the doors open again - MJ and Miles walked out of them, their hands linked together. MJ was laughing again as if Miles had said something funny. They were both clutching bags of clothes, Peter assumed. Miles had his sunglasses on and he lifted them off his face now, greeting the rest of the group.
"Hey guys." James said, as Miles sat down next to him. "Am I allowed to know where you two went for six hours?"
"Shopping." Miles said, eating a marshmallow. "Then we went and got some churros...then MJ got a tattoo."
"Oh my God, really?" Katie said, her eyes widening. "Where - can we see?"
"It's...kind of in a hidden place." MJ said. "You'll see it if you see it."
"Nice." Ned said. "I really wanna get one too. I'm not sure what I want though."
Peter tuned out of listening to the conversation. Miles was pulling out random items out of his bag and everyone was admiring them. Then he started telling a 'funny' story about how a woman at the churro place thought he looked like some celebrity she knew.
Peter didn't expect MJ to sit next to him round the fire pit but she did.
He didn't know what to say to her - he played with his hands a little, nervously. They really had not spoken properly since after the kiss.
"Did you have a good day?" Peter finally said, just as MJ said something at the exact same time.
"Sorry." Peter said. "You go first."
Ned had just picked up Gwen's guitar and tried to play something. It sounded questionable to say the least, and everyone was laughing. Gwen moved over to sit next to Ned, attempting to teach him a few chords.
"I was just gonna say that I'm not...trying to rub this all in your face." MJ said, folding her arms and looking down down at her shoes.
"I'm not jealous." Peter said quietly. "If that's what you're implying."
"It's not what I said." MJ sighed.
"Then what do you mean?" Peter said, also not looking at her.
"I mean...you keep looking at me like that...the way you always look at me."
Peter was angry with himself. He was moving on. Why couldn't he let her just move on too?
"Can someone check on the brownies I put in the oven?" James called out. He was mixing up some kind of cocktail concoction again, and Peter had a feeling the brownies weren't just brownies.
"Uh - sure." MJ said, standing up.
"Do you...want me to help you carry these?" Peter said, gesturing at all of MJ's shopping bags on the floor. He was clearly looking for a reason to follow her.
"Yeah - sure." MJ said, as Peter picked them up and walked behind her.
Peter caught a glimpse of Gwen before he went in. She was still clutching Ned's arm and laughing at his poor attempt to play the guitar.
He followed MJ into the kitchen. She kind of acted like he wasn't there for a second, bending down to peer inside the oven at James' brownies.
Peter leaned against the island, putting his hands in his pockets.
"Why did you do it, then?" Peter asked.
His eyes were fixed on her as she stood up again and lifted herself up to sit on the island.
"Peter-" MJ began.
"So you could fuck with my mind again, MJ?" Peter said. "I'm already trying so hard to get over you - then you go and do that. Kiss me."
"Your mind's already fucked, Peter, there's really not much I could do to make it worse." MJ said.
"Thank you." Peter replied sarcastically.
"The brownies aren't done yet." MJ just said, hopping off the island again and walking away.
Peter swore under his breath before picking up all her bags and following her again. She was walking down the hallway towards her and Miles' room.
"Why did you do it if you were just gonna come on this trip and ignore me?" Peter said. "And pretend like nothing happened."
"What do you want me to do, Peter?" MJ said, pushing the door to her room open. "Tell everyone we kissed and just see what happens?"
Peter just put down the bags on the bed in frustration as MJ nearly slammed the door behind them.
"I guess..." he started, looking for the right words to say. "I guess I'm just kind of mad at you for doing it...because I would have probably done it and meant it too."
MJ put her head in her hands.
"No...just stop." she began, her voice shaky.
"And I'm mad at you for doing it first..." Peter swallowed. "Because now...you get to choose him over me."
"Peter...just..." MJ said, shaking her head and laying down on the foot of the bed. "Let's just talk about something else."
Peter paused a little before laying down next to her. She was breathing shakily, like she was about to go into a state of panic.
"Are you okay?" he asked, glancing at her quickly.
"No - obviously I'm not okay." MJ said, all at once. "I can't stop thinking about..."
She swallowed and shut her eyes, her voice trailing off.
"MJ..." Peter said, staring at the ceiling.
She was still breathing like that. It scared him. It scared him because he knew what if felt like. Like all the air was leaving your body slowly, and there was nothing you could do about it.
Like everything was loud but it was quiet at the same time. Your ears rang and you could feel your throat tighten. You could feel your body heating up. It felt like your lungs were attacking you. It felt like you were going to just shut your eyes and that would be the end of everything.
Peter turned towards her now, taking her hand and then putting his fingers against her cheek.
"Hey." he said, softly. "Hey, look at me, MJ. It's okay."
She looked at him, nodding but still breathing a little shallowly.
"Just breathe, okay?" Peter said, stroking her hair. "It's okay...you're fine."
He'd unfortunately kind of gotten used to having panic attacks over the past year and he'd remembered what May or Ned or his therapist would say to calm him down.
"Can you breathe in slowly?" Peter said. "For ten seconds. And then back out again?"
MJ was a little stiff at first but Peter managed to help her breathe slower now. She shuddered as tears finally escaped her eyes.
"Mom's gonna kill me...because I got this stupid tattoo." MJ sobbed.
"MJ, what do you mean?" Peter said, looking at her.
"It's of...someone's name." she said, crying harder now.
"She's not gonna kill you, MJ." Peter said, rubbing her arm.
Peter couldn't understand why she was so upset. He felt so helpless as she lay there and cried.
"Can I see?" he said.
MJ was wearing denim shorts and a brown crop top with wide straps. She hesitated for a second but then unbuttoned her shorts, pulling them down slightly. Then she lifted up the side of her underwear a little and Peter could see the tattoo a little clearer now...right on her pelvic bone.
It was covered in a transparent bandage and her skin was a little red around it - but he could see it clearly. In cursive writing.
"Lani." Peter said, reading the tattoo.
MJ nodded, pulling her shorts back up and buttoning them again.
He lay down next to her again - this time closer. His mind was moving at a million miles per hour and he shut his eyes now before opening them again.
"Why's your mom gonna kill you because you got that tattoo?" Peter said, his voice shaking.
"Because..." MJ said, quietly. "I think it hit my mom a lot harder when...she just...she wants me to move on."
Peter swallowed, his heart racing.
"Move on from what?" he said, a little impatiently.
"Whatever - it doesn't matter."
"That's literally bullshit, MJ."
There was a silence. He turned his head to look at MJ - she was wiping her tears now, staring at the ceiling.
"Did I know her...Lani?" Peter said.
"This was a bad idea." MJ said, putting her hands in her hair. "Why the fuck would I show it to you-"
"You know you can talk to me about anything-"
"No - I'm not doing this." MJ said, shaking her head. "Please just stop talking about the tattoo, okay?"
"Okay." Peter breathed. "I'm sorry - I won't talk about it."
"Thank you."
There was so much pain in her face. Peter knew how she might have felt...like when you're a kid and you cry so much that your head hurts. You cry so much that you feel like you're choking.
"MJ...you wanna know why I keep looking at you like that?" Peter said, staring back up at the ceiling too.
"Why?"
"Because I'm afraid that if I don't keep looking at you...I'll forget the last thing you did when I saw you. And...it's like I'm always hoping that the last time I look at you...I see you and you're happy."
MJ sniffed, wiping tears from her face again.
"Because I sleep easier when I know you're okay." Peter continued. "Senior Year...was hard for me because I didn't know that for sure. So as long as I keep looking at you...you're there and you're okay."
He felt a lump in his throat again. He didn't want to cry because she was crying and he wanted to hold it together for her, at least.
"I keep looking at you because I love you." Peter said.
There was another silence. All Peter could hear was the sound of MJ crying softly. She looked defeated, like her brain was trying to assimilate all that information but failing.
"Peter - I don't know what you expect me to say right now." MJ said, her voice hoarse.
Peter swallowed.
"Say...you feel the same way about me too." he said, and he literally hated himself because there was a tear rolling down his cheek and it was stupid because he was crying because she was crying.
"Peter-"
"Say that you know all that fucked up shit happened..." Peter continued, biting his lip. "But you'll fight for us...I'll fight for us, MJ."
MJ shook her head again.
"You don't know what you're saying." she whispered.
"I do."
"You don't."
"You don't get to kiss me and act like there's nothing between us." Peter said, forcing every word out.
"And you don't get to not call me...or not reply to my texts...for a year and a half..." MJ gulped. "And say that you fucking love me."
Peter's heart broke.
He didn't know why a large part of him was hoping that she'd just say it back. That she loved him too. That she didn't know what all of this was, and why they were trying to torture each other by trying to love other people.
But she wouldn't. And Peter had endured enough emotional turmoil for the night.
MJ sat up now, putting a hand to her head.
"I'll just...I'll just go." Peter said, standing up.
Peter didn't get to the door before it swung open and Miles emerged from it. He looked at MJ, then at Peter, then back at MJ.
"What's going on?" Miles said, immediately sitting next to MJ on the bed and putting his arm around her. "MJ, are you okay?"
"Miles...I'm not talking about it right now." MJ said, resting her hands on her knees.
"I know..." Miles said, rubbing her back slowly. "I just wanna know why you're so upset...and what the fuck Peter is doing in our room."
"I was just leaving, Miles." Peter said, behind gritted teeth.
"Oh, were you now?" Miles said, standing up.
"Yes." Peter said. "And she's crying...because she had a panic attack about the tattoo that you made her get."
"I didn't make her do anything." Miles said raising his voice, and it was the first time he'd really raised his voice since Peter had met him.
"Whatever." Peter scoffed, heading for the door again.
"You know what, Peter?" Miles said, as Peter stopped in his tracks again. "I...apologized to you...and you've been acting like a total dick. And for what? What is it about me that you hate so much?"
"Miles." MJ said. "Can you just leave it, please?"
"Sorry, MJ, I'm not leaving this right now." Miles said, getting closer to Peter. "I've done nothing but be nice to you, Peter, and all you've done is thrown it back in my face!"
"Nice?" Peter said, raising his voice now too. "All you've done is tolerate me...because I know MJ. And maybe I don't like you Miles - maybe I'll never like you. But you have your head so far up your own ass that you can't understand why someone doesn't think you're fucking perfect."
"Peter." MJ exclaimed, but it was like he couldn't hear her.
"How...selfish are you?" Miles said. "She went through so much - and now she's happy here and what...you want to take it all away from her? Because you have a crush on her or something?"
"We." Peter said. "Me and MJ. Went through a lot."
"So now you think you fucking own her?" Miles shouted. "Because you two went to school together...and what? You happened to be at that party? You have to have all eyes on her twenty-four seven or some shit?"
"Shut the fuck up, Miles." Peter said. "You literally have zero clue what you're talking about. So shut the fuck up."
"Right." Miles said sarcastically, nodding and rubbing his chin with his hand. "You're jealous, Peter...and you're also so...full of shit. And you talk to MJ behind my back, telling her all these things about me. Making her feel bad for being with me. Making her fucking cry."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Peter shouted.
"Look at her!" Miles exclaimed, pointing at MJ. "She was fine before she came in here with you. If you can't be her friend and be supportive, then I'm gonna need you to stay the fuck away from her."
"Is that a threat?" Peter shouted again.
"Guys!" MJ said, standing up. "Just stop - please."
"It's whatever you want it to be, Peter." Miles said. But if you make her cry again, I'll lose my shit. And you'll be sorry."
"I've got a threat for you too, Miles." Peter said. "If you come into work one more time...and start talking about her, I'll lose my shit. If she doesn't give you permission, and you touch her, I'll rearrange your fucking face."
Miles had his hands clenched into fists, like he was looking for a reason to ram them into Peter, but then he let them go again.
He walked up to Peter so his face was close to his.
"Get out." Miles said.
It was the most intimidated Peter had been of him, but he was trying hard not to show it. He could feel his heart racing, his head pounding, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.
He barely got a glimpse of MJ's face as he walked out and slammed the door behind him.
Maybe she'll never love you back.
He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole.
He walked into a storage room, locking the door behind him and breathing heavily.
His ears were still ringing so he didn't hear the sound his own fists made with the door as he punched it repeatedly.
He was tired of the voice inside his head telling him to breathe. He was tired of the voice in his head telling him to count to ten and back down to one again as if everything was going to be okay.
Peter punched the door repeatedly until his knuckles bled. Until he was sat crying uncontrollably with his back pressed against the wall.
She wasn't okay this time. He didn't get to look at her and see her happy and know she was okay.
He was losing her again slowly and he knew it.