People. I love them! Their stories. What motivates them? Makes them who they are? Knowing that... Well what can I say? Except that it makes me know myself. I mean it when I say everyone has a story and only they decide if it's worth telling. By the way they choose to tell it and whatever that 'way' maybe or whoever we share them with. Remember to do it without a care because people can't hear beyond what they already understand.
Breathe.
"Now rest the awareness of your mind in space." A guided meditation was exactly what I needed to unwind from my emotional rollercoaster of a work week!
Deep breath.
"Can you rest your awareness in time & space?" My eyes closed and focused. Back straight. I sat up in a lotus position. With an aim to calm my chaotic mind.
Inhale
"Now free yourself." I noticed my heels left permanent dents on the yoga mat whenever I did this for too long.
Exhale
"Free yourself... from both time and space." Finally my mind. Blank as a black board. Can you remember the last time you experienced that?
Just breathe.
"Center your awareness in the time & space your body occupies." I loved his voice. It takes you away from this world.
Deep breathing.
"Can you rest your awareness on the thoughts of your mind?" I exhaled.
"Raina!" & that was my cue to snap back to reality. "Raina!" My sister yelled. Well, it was fun while it lasted. "open the damn door! NOW!" My eyebrow curved up & I rethought opening that door. Maybe... I need this state of peace to last a little bit longer.
"Anchor yourself & your thoughts." The meditation played on.
"I need your help with the baby!" Rija banged desperately on my door.
"Why can't Ahmed Bhai take care of her?" I reasoned. "It's a Sunday."
"He won't." It was frustrating. " And! What kind of a stupid question is that!?!?" Like when have you ever seen him take care of Bia?" Point but also — not my problem.
"I'm in the shower!" I screamed. She wasn't getting in the way of me & my 'me' time.
"I can literally hear THAT stupid meditation playing." Now she was angry... "That's it. I'm opening this door." She swung the key to open it.
"Focus & remain calm." the man on YouTube said.
"Don't." I said calmly and continued with composure, "Unless you want everyone to see." She stopped mid-way, "I'm meditating in my underwear." I lied. I wasn't wearing anything.
"Focus the attention of your mind on having no thoughts."
Silence. She stood frozen at the doorway but didn't dare sneak a peek. "Shut-up!"
I replied with a humorous smugness, "You will when you see me naked."
"No thoughts."
I faintly heard the sound of retreating footsteps over the voice of the meditation.
"No ambitions."
Finally, I was free. To be with 'me'.
"No worries." Breathe... "No wants."
No wants make you a 'nobody'. What if you're a nobody? Who's dying to be a somebody but isn't that just everybody?
"When you have no thoughts... you are one."
Who are you when no one else is around? If no one else was around?
"One with the universe."
I am whatever you want me to be because I'd have no opinions or personality if there was no one to have opinions or thoughts about.
"And in this world we are all one."
I'd have no thoughts.
"Waaa!!... Waaa!!" Bia's crying was followed by Rija pleading with her husband for help.
And I can be pretty thoughtless.
"You're late."
"I know and trust me. You don't wanna know."
"What are we ordering...?" Wafa scanned the menu while I reveled in the feeling of affording everything.
"My treat." I said animatedly.
"Oh no, that'll be someplace expensive." We both grin at her lame excuse. I knew she'd prefer I, "use the money for a new wardrobe instead". Wafa paused to take a sip of the mint margarita before continuing, "Now's the perfect time! You need to learn how to spend on yourself girl."
I flaunted my feet in agreement, "Do you like the new shoes?" wearing them felt like a foot massage.
"I noticed as soon as you walked in." She turned smug, "They're so YOU." She loved sportswear on me almost as much as she hated it on herself. "Now we just have to replace everything else!" I laugh because she wasn't kidding. My sense of style was more casual athletic sheek, while she had more of a fancy floral vibe. People were surprised we were even friends — that's what surprised us. I'll admit, if you saw from the surface we had nothing in common from boys to beauty our ideals were different. I guess for us it's the conflict that created the friendship. Well...that and she knew me more than I was willing to admit. "Who do I have to thank for this upgrade!?!" her eyes twinkled gleefully.
"Him."
"Oh." It needed no further explanation. "It's clear... I guess the guy has great taste."
"Oh yea!" I couldn't agree more, "He bought a similar pair for himself."
She laughs, "Well... that doesn't surprise me."
"What?"
"That he thinks he can look good in what suits a 25 year old." Her comment wiped the smile clean from my face. I knew she'd never judge me but I couldn't say the same for the 'situation' I was in. Wafa had some serious trust issues when it came to men and the recent events in my life were in no way helping to improve them. She jokingly continues in an attempt to lighten the mood, "What would really impress me is if you convinced him to pay for a boob job?"
"What's wrong with my boobs?" I said defensively.
"Who said it's for you?" I laughed because the table next to us heard that too.
I look up from my food and say, "I didn't want to bring this up... but he messaged me in the morning."
"I repeat. Why am I not surprised?" Her eyebrow curved almost touching her hairline.
I read her his text, "I can't stop thinking about you or the time we spent together." We both cringe.
"What a weirdo! 'Ajeeb!' Why did he think this would work? Even after confessing his 'you're fired after we're fucking' masterplan?" I winced. "You know who I really feel bad for? Aimen. I mean this is just his free trial! Imagine how much she regrets subscribing to the premium package...How does he even find the time to think about you? Doesn't he have a kid?"
"Do men ever feel any responsibility towards their kids?" I taunt, "I'm serious. Asking for a sister." who used to be a friend. I couldn't help but recall this morning. Bia was still a baby but my nephew Hamza was 12 and he bore the brunt of a neglectful father. You tell me what's worse? An absent parent or the one who's mentally absent? A child opposite our table dropped his drink as I spoke. His mother scolded him while the father looked like he was too bored to care. My eyes darted towards the scene looking up to find the man's eyes staring in our direction. I mean he didn't even care that his wife was sitting right there! Wafa's eyes followed mine and she said what I was thinking out loud. "I can never look at married men the same way ever again."
"He has rapey eyes."
"Who?"
"Your manager." I knew I should've deleted Zohair's story. "He gives off a really bad vibe."
"I can't do anything about this." He's my boss. You bitch. Stop putting these thoughts in my head! Like I have to work with him everyday.
"In fact Rai I think, I think, I've seen him before. He looks familiar. Isn't he tha..."
"The radio jockey who got me too-ed?" I finished her sentence.
"YES!"
Yea, I know he told me the first day I joined. He said the girl had a grudge against him..."
"Of course she did. They always do." She rolls her eyes.
I became defensive, "Regardless, I really appreciate his honesty." I mean I never saw him do anything inappropriate. "I'm glad he told me too. Since that story, people have been sending hate messages like crazy."
"Isn't it's obvious?" He avoids posting himself and makes me post about him instead. Zohair wanted to be sorted by making his social image soften and what better way to do it then making a young feminist post about him? "People know a creep when they see one... I should've know" I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost missed what Wafa whispered to herself at the end.
"Babe. Are you still not over that?" I tread carefully because this was a sensitive topic, "None of us could see that he's a creep." I prided myself on being a right judge of character. "We're only human. You're allowed to make mistakes..."
"I can't talk about this right now." It took 4 bottles and a mini-meltdown to make her open up to me the first time. I knew pshing her was only going to push her away. Wafa worked hard on Instagram for years to gain 20k+ followers. The moment she deleted that account I knew she was in love. I also knew that the man who demanded she delete it, would break her heart.
"We don't have to, we're here for a good time. Not a long time." I repeated the wise words I always heard her say. I was one of the few who knew there's a Sufi hidden under that Gucci façade of hers
"He always used to say that." ... there goes my attempt at distraction. "So I started saying it." She smiled while remembering that 'asshole' fondly. "It turned out to be truer than I thought." The conversation officially ended with that statement and I kept repeating that phrase over and over in my head, 'Good time, not a long time.'
Babies are so beautiful. I beaconed Bia to come to me. My toothless beauty. I loved the smell of freshly showered babies. Just not the part where you're the one giving them the shower. "Why can't you get one word right!" I heard Rija scream from the lounge. "Do you want to fail again?! Repeat the 5th grade again?" She screamed loud enough for the whole house to hear. Hamza just stayed quiet. He didn't know how to respond and we couldn't make him. It had been a year since we found out he might be on the spectrum. Unwilling or unable to understand how it feels to feel a feeling. Any feeling. "Say something!" She screamed again, "Answer me. Now!" Which might be a blessing in disguise. When Rija said nothing but hurtful things to him. What he couldn't understand, wouldn't hurt him. Everyone besides me refused to grasp the concept of what my nephew was going through. My family didn't believe or understand what being on the 'spectrum' was. Rija figured what didn't exist for her wouldn't for her son, "Can you hear me? I'm talking to you!" but that's not how mental health works & he won't be able to work until we worked on it.
She raised a hand to slap him, "Rija! Chill."
"Rai, stay out of this."
"No." I pulled Hamza towards my chest but he pushed me away. "Rija. Come with me!" I forced her out of his room. "Does it help?!?! Screaming at him. Does he even listen?"
"Why don't you try teaching him!?" She was going to take his anger out on me. "That way you'll be of some help in this house too!" or was taking mine out on him?
"Why do you stress yourself out so much..."
"Because Raina! I get blamed if he fails! It's like I'm the one giving the exam! Life is stressful! Being the only adult around, managing this house is stressful!"
I took a deep breath, her words were making me STRESSFUL, "Listen. You need to find something that makes you happy" and keeps her that way. "Find something. Anything! Think of doing something that's just for you! You know..."
"Yea right..." I could see her controlling the urge to slap me. "In between raising a newborn, a failure. Fulfilling my husbands needs and taking care of my mother in law where the fuck do you suggest I start?!?" Wow. Ok...ayyy.
"Raina?" Rija's mother in law knocked on my door. "Are you ready?"
"Yes." Rija's eyes were still shooting daggers at me, "I'm gonna go with her for a walk." I was aware I was currently walking on thin ice, so I gingerly side-stepped out of the room. Leaving her alone to deal with her life.
Mumzey was what everyone called Ahmed's mother. Ever since Covid started, we tried to keep her cooped up at home but she was too energetic for that. She didn't look or even act like she was 60+.Besides being a silent tyrant's mother she was also my reason for staying — in this house, with these people and her son in peace. At least for now...
"Why were you two fighting?"
"She was fighting!" I acted like I was taken aback, "You know me I NEVER fight."
"I love you so I'm telling you that your acting skills need improvement." We were walking on the service lane outside our house. This was a time when Mumzey bonded and I bitched about everything else. "Speaking of, are you doing anything to be able to act?" I looked away & avoided answering her question, "Well?"
"You know I write but what I really wanna do is act?"
"So why don't you?"
"Because. You see the kind of dramas they make!" I said with frustration. "How do I fit in anywhere, over there?" my eyes downcast in despair.
"There's a first time for everything."
"I know."
"I was actually talking about you being judgmental about the TV dramas." She laughed, "And yes that too. You'll never know, if you don't try." She saunters in front of me for a while, "So. Are you trying?"
"I don't know."
"Why?"
"...because nothing's happening." She smiles at my confusion.
"Do you want it to happen?"
"Yes."
"More than anything else in the world."
"YES!"
"... then it will, as you say..." She mimics my voice, "..just chill." I tug at her arm. She starts laughing again. "I'm here for you, you just keep doing what you feel is right."
"Why?"
"Because that's what I would do if I could relive my life."
"No.... I mean. Why are you 'here' for me?"
"Well." She thought about it for a while, "Somebody has to be." I didn't say anything and we kept walking, enjoying the cool winter breeze of the midnight air. "I believe in you. Who knows someday you might be a someone..."
"...someone who could never, like your son." I said under my breath.
"What?" She paused, "What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"I heard that." She wasn't smiling but she wasn't angry either. That's where I got the guts to say that from. I always suspected that she knew he was awful. Now I was glad I wasn't the only one. We were immersed in this conversation when my stride disturbed a stray cat who got startled and ran into a trash can. I was annoyed at my own absentmindedness, Mumzey noted.
"Raina." She always said my name like that when she was about to give me life advice.
"Yes Mumzey."
"Do you know how God makes humans different from animals?"
Of course. I said what I read in every Islamiyat coursebook ever, "...we're Ashraff Makhluqat (Intelligent Beings)"
"Yes but what makes us intelligent?" I shook my head, I had no answer. She continued, "A sense of humor and imagination. That's what makes us who we are..." She winked as if she was sharing some life changing secret. "So use it!"