Reluctantly, I gave one last sad nod to Daryl before turning back towards Lori.
I knew what was going to happen now. This was the part where they'd pack up the cars and leave me with the three dead men in the hallway. It was to be expected, and it was what I'd have done in their situation.
Just twenty minutes ago I had my hands wrapped around Rick's neck.
Lori looked paler than usual, and the scorn in her eyes as I slowly walked my way towards her, my shoulders slumped, was actually very frightening.
Once I reached her, the older woman turned back to the doorway and made her way back inside, expecting me to follow. I almost cringed when I saw that damned closet, where Glenn and Maggie sat against a wall, their legs stretched out in front of them. I had to look away out of pure embarrassment, instead preferring to watch the back of Lori's somehow neatly brushed hair.
The bodies of those men who had shot at us were no longer there. I felt as though something had to be said about that situation at some point, whether or not I was still there.
My shoes made loud thumping noises as I pushed myself up the stairs after Lori. I couldn't control the stress I was feeling as I followed her in a terse silence. When we both finally reached the bedroom she'd chosen, Lori walked inside, her face red. I followed, and with a slam of a door we were alone.
"So what was that?" Lori immediately demanded, whipping around like a cobra ready to attack.
I knew what she was talking about, but I just didn't have an answer.
"I..." I paused as she placed a thin hand on her hip. "I'm not sure."
And it was the truth. While I was spiralling out of control in that closet, I couldn't string a single thought together, and all I could remember was fragments of images and emotions that I couldn't quite pinpoint.
"What were you thinking? I just, I don't understand... How you seemed so small and scared and innocent, and, well..." Lori drifted off bitterly, "Now look at you."
"Wh-What?" I scoffed, taking a step back so my legs were pushed against the bed. "I'm not some crazy person!"
"Tell me how we are supposed to know that. We don't know you. We've welcomed you into our group, offered you protection even after we heard about where you came from," She spat, crossing her arms tightly as though holding herself back. "And for someone who claims they're not insane, you sure act like it!"
"Are you kidding me right now? This isn't some soap opera, Lori! This isn't about defending the honour of your husband!" I had gained this intense fiery ball inside of me, and I loved it. I loved this newfound sense of confidence I had gained from the past few weeks, after everything I'd been through. "This is life, life and death... And, and I'm so sick of being treated like... Well, I don't know... like I'm still a prisoner!"
"God, you people took me from my family, and I'm lost now... I don't know where I am, and my brother is gone..." I shook my head bitterly, "T-This isn't some little catfight, okay? I'm struggling, I'm trying so hard to fit in, and it's just..." I drifted off, as I was close to crumbling. I honestly didn't want to be talking to Lori about any of this. It took me a few seconds to work up my strength in voice again, before I continued, "I don't want to go."
"Well, I wouldn't be surprised if Rick decides he doesn't want you here, after you attacked him! Who's to say you won't just snap one day, and finish the job?"
"The ... The job!?" I spluttered, scratching my head in frustration. "I wasn't trying to kill him!"
"You had your hands around his throat."
"Yes... But I didn't, I didn't mean it."
"And you said, you actually asked him to make you leave!" She added, her voice shrill once again. "What exactly changed your mind?"
Daryl.
"I... I don't know." I paused nervously, "I feel safer here than with my other group, but then I just can't, I can't cope around Rick."
"Well I don't know what you're going to do, then." She shook her head, looking angry still. "You'll have to speak with him, but I'm still not sure if we can trust you."
"Speak to him?" And it struck me, like a bullet, the reality struck me. Staying here meant apologising to Rick, making amends for what had happened. "No way."
"You don't have a choice." She shook her head slowly, scrunching her face at my protest.
I dropped to the bed, a loud creaking noise sounding as my full weight was felt on the old mattress. I quickly tightened my ponytail, filling the silence with meaningless movements as I contemplated what I was actually going to do.
"Rick keeps telling me that he does what he does to protect his family... But to protect his family, he tore mine apart," I croaked, trying to figure this out in my mind. Even though I didn't particularly like Lori at this point, I still felt as though I needed to fill this silence with some kind of speech, even if it was the thought process that was currently flowing through my mind. "And you want me to apologise to him!?" I balked at the idea.
"Then what are you doing here, Amy? Do you want to be a part of our group, of our family?"
Just the phrase "family" made me visibly cringe. The fact that Lori even considered the rest of the group family almost forced me to want to laugh out loud, but I was trying to prove a point at that moment.
"I'm not a part of your, your family! God, you think I'm so naïve!" I almost screeched. Lori was trying my recently outrageous temper worse than anyone else. "Rick killed his best friend to protect you, what makes anyone here think he won't do the exact same to them? Nobody in this group is entirely safe ...except you, Carl and Rick." I was past the point of return now, as I continued with my side of the argument. "You have this, this close-knit group, and I am just expected to forget everything and jump on in!
"Rick, he's your family, you've got each other, and yet I was locked in a shed like an animal, mourning for my brother beside Randall, of all people!"
"Rick is my husband, yes. But he doesn't just care about Carl and I. He does the things he does, the most difficult of things, for the good of many more lives. He protects all of us, Amy, even you," Lori snapped, her eyes narrowing down on mine. "And you still blame him for something out of his control!"
"That's the biggest load of bullshit I've heard in my life!" I spat back, "He didn't have to pull the damn trigger, he didn't have to jump to murder--"
"I'm pregnant, Amy." She cut me off with those words, leaving my mouth hanging open as she added, "I'm pregnant, and I can't handle this kind of stress in my life right now." Lori rested her hand on her chest, her eyes suddenly weary.
"You... What?"
Lori was pregnant... This was such a shock to my system, I was unsure of just how exactly to continue. Just the thought of a baby in this world was something that thoroughly disgusted me. I'd never actually seen a child roamer, ever. It was something Dave would never let me near, especially since he knew how sensitive I was around kids.
"How long have you known?" I asked quietly, knowing full well it was none of my business, but I had to find something out.
"I found out about three weeks ago... I told Rick a few days before, well, before they went to that town and brought you back."
"I was protecting my family."
The words echoed through me yet again, leaving my entire body feeling hollow.
"B-But..." I stuttered, my hands flopping limply beside my legs. "That would mean he knew you were pregnant when he killed Dave... ?"
"Ask him... I don't know what happened myself."
It seemed, just as she said this, Rick had somehow known we were talking about him, and pushed the door open.
"Lori," Rick muttered, walking over to the slim woman. He gently ushered her towards the door in silence, before adding, "Go get some rest."
The only thing that seemed different in Rick was his slightly puffy cheek. I still had so many questions, so many things to explain.
As soon as the door shut behind Lori, Rick pulled an armchair over so it was in front of me, before he sat down on it, his elbows resting on the armrests.
"Err... Is your face...?" I mumbled, completely thrown off by how awkward I felt.
"It's fine," He replied shortly, using his thumb and forefingers to scratch at his stubble. "Cut the inside of my cheek though... You've got a mean right hook."
"Huh?" I was completely thrown off by how casual he was acting, after Lori made it seem like I was going to be exiled. "You're not... You're not gonna get mad?"
I sounded like a child for the one thousandth time in this week.
"You could say I'm used to getting punched in the face," He joked lightly, the sentiment not meeting his eyes. "But we do need to talk about some things."
And there it was. This was it, the part where he'd tell me to leave.
"Just, just before we start... I need to know..." I choked back my nerves, "Why did you have to kill my brother?" I managed to muster the strength to get those words out without any major breakdown of my voice. "I need to know," I repeated.
"He wanted to take the farm, to come into our farm with his group. I just didn't trust the guy... Him and his, his friend. He looked like he wanted it for the wrong reasons, like he was prepared to take it by force..." Rick paused, swallowing back another sentence that I would have given anything to hear. "I don't know if your brother was really as, ah, good as you thought he was."
This wasn't news to me. People were often deceived by the way Dave dressed, his stupid gold chain and the lame clothes that made him look like... Well, a thug. He had some troubles in his past, I knew that. But I also knew there was no way Dave wanted that farm for the whole group.
"If only you knew him..." I whispered, "You'd know that he was actually just really scared. I don't know what he said to you, whether he was being a dickhead or whether he was bluffing or whatever, but I can tell you right now that he was probably more hesitant about you guys than you were of him... Trust me."
"We'd been living with a group of disgusting... Just, disgusting, men. And he was always telling Jane that someday we'd leave and find somewhere safer. I can't even explain to you just how scared he was that someday those men would turn on Jane and I when we weren't with him... he was just terrified." I met the man's eyes now, as he listened intently to my little story, ready to sniff out any lies. "Jane is my sister-in-law... I don't even know where she is right now. She could still be with them."
"And he looked like a bad kind of guy, but he really wasn't. And that's the only difference between you and Dave. You have the whole 'I am a respectable sheriff' thing about you... Dave, he was a freaking mechanic." I laughed slightly, my stomach aching from the memories.
"I just... I can't live with this reality, the fact that he's gone, and it's because of you."
"I know..." Rick nodded against his hand, the only kind of indication that he was actually interested in what I was saying.
"Lori told me about the baby." I added solemnly.
Rick nodded in acknowledgement of this fact, his eyes slightly unfocused as he lost himself in his thoughts.
"Is that why you did it?" I asked, "Is that why you jumped straight to conclusions... Because you have a baby on the way?"
"I just... I don't want to talk about that," Rick intercepted, his tone changing suddenly.
I dropped the subject like a hot potato, my eyes leaving his face to stare out of the window. Maybe that was why. It was certainly easier to understand than just blatant murder, but it still didn't make me forgive him for what he did.
"I came in here to say that your brother's death was unnecessary... And that I apologise for your loss... And for the pain I've caused you."
My eyes flickered to his in a matter or milliseconds, only to find that he was painfully sincere in his spoken apology. His face was tired, stressed... and upon it was a look of pure regret, even guilt, which lingered on his face after he said the last few words.
Should an apology really mean that much to me?
Somehow it did. Somehow I found myself releasing a soft breath of thankfulness. It was possibly the best kind of affirmation I could have received that day.
The fact that he'd finally come to grips with what he'd done to my family was something that I knew I'd never forget. An apology wasn't going to bring my brother back, but the sheer look on Rick's bruised face made my heart ache.
Not for him, not for my brother, not for myself... But for the situation we were in. How did it come to this? I always thought the world wouldn't change me... But there I was, trying to figure out just how I was to react to this apology.
Maybe the key was to act as though everything was okay inside of me, like I was back in my old life. How would pre-apocalypse Amy have reacted to this?
The thing was, I just didn't know anymore. I had a feeling that pre-apocalypse Amy would be crying at that point.
Looking back on my thought process, it was a pathetic idea, but at that moment I just didn't know exactly how to handle what was happening.
"That... That really means... It means a lot." I stumbled for words to use, as disbelief painted my face.
"I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done, either. I'd say I still owe you for saving my life, too... so for that reason I wanted to say that I would be okay with you staying here, if you'd want to." I almost breathed a sigh of relief as he said this, "But, on the condition that you follow what I say from now on. And, that... Well, obviously you can't repeat what happened today. Not around my son, my wife... Not ever."
"I'm sure I can... Deal with that." I nodded, a ghost of a smile hinting at my lips. I still couldn't bring myself to treat Rick as I would anyone else, as there was still quite a lot of resentment between us both. However, I was able to handle this little agreement.
"That's good to hear," He replied awkwardly. The silence felt as though it would drag on forever, as we both sat, avoiding each other's eyes.
"I..." I paused nervously. "Well, I am kind of glad I punched you now, now that we've reached some kind of peace treaty."
I mentally slapped myself, as my entire "I've got this" facade had just been flushed down the metaphorical toilet.
"God... That sounded so bad," I whispered, standing up from the bed. I looked down at Rick, who ignored me and continued to stare ahead in thought. "I'll just... go, then."
"Mm," Rick grunted as I rushed for the door, leaving the strange man to his thoughts.
At least the one thing I was able to gather that day was that maybe Rick wasn't some insane murderer like I thought he was. He was just a guy who'd made a fatal desicion in the heat of the moment. And although I still felt that intense grief for my brother, I was able to cope with it for the moment.
Rick's apology meant a lot more to me than I let on. I had been under the assumption he was a dirty murderer, after all he'd done and said in the past few weeks, killing his best friend and all. Never had I taken into consideration just what he was going through, much like what he hadn't done for my brother in the bar.
I knew it was still going to be hard at times, of course it would. I was just so relieved to see the guilt, the guilt on his face that seemed to consume him. Why I felt relieved would have been a mystery to others, but I knew deep down that I somehow did feel some kind of satisfaction that Rick was finally feeling some of the pain I'd been dealing with.
It seemed the cloud of resentment had thinned, and it felt good.
I was so glad I wasn't leaving, too. The only thing I was really unsure about was the whole "goodbye kiss" with Daryl. It was so strange how after all I'd just been through, he still hung in the back of my head.
I'd basically told the man how I felt about him, and he knew it.
As I stepped towards the front door of the house once again, my mind racing, I almost bumped into the exact man I was thinking about. He seemed to step into the front door at the same time I had been about to exit it.
"Whoa! Holy crap, you scared me," I gasped, as I let go of the handle.
"Wha' happened up there?" Daryl peered up the stairway, before lowering his gaze back to mine. "Could'a heard Lori from a mile off."
"I am honestly still trying to figure it out myself... Everything is so tense right now."
"So, what? Are ya stayin'?" He straightened his back in his attempt to act like he didn't care that much.
"Yeah," I breathed, a small smile playing on my lips. "Yeah, I'm staying."
Daryl nodded in approval, before crossing his arms.
There was a pause, as I watched up at his neutral expression, hoping to find some kind of clue as to what was going on in that complicated mind of his.
"I need to pee." Carl tried to push past Daryl's legs, rushing into the house.