"Why'd you do it? Why couldn't you just let it go?"
I watched the light of the salt lamp flicker in her monochrome office before thoughtfully answering, "No one should make you hate your favorite song."
'Vekhaan mein lights aanday flashback. (I see those lights give me flashbacks) Look in my eyes, in my eyes. Dus... ki samajhdi ain toon' (and tell me what you understand) "I've noticed you change your nail color a lot?" He asked as I licked a drop of melted sorbet off of my thumb. Hagen Daz just opened shop near our office building and I knew exactly what we were having for lunch. "Like almost everyday."
Shamoon Ismail should just automatically start playing on Snapchat when you click the Welcome to Lahore filter. 'I see you move, see you kill it.' I think as I sing it. "It changes according to my mood & if you haven't guessed already I'm very moody these days." I eyed him animatedly, "I wonder who could be the reason for that?!?" 'You know you got me in my feelings.' Who wrote banger after banger & rose from the scratch? The unofficial Pindi boy mascot & my personal favorite Shamoon... 'I see you move, see you kill it'
He completely ignored my hint and said instead, "I really like black nail polish on a woman's hands."
"Ok, never wearing black. Check!" I pretended to make a mental note.
He laughed at that... "I like grey and white too."
"Never wearing those either."
"I hate reds."
"I want you to take a wild guess what color you'll be seeing on my hands from now on?" He choked back on his ice cream while laughing... 'Vekhdi ain rung like I do? Like I do' (Do you see the colors like I do? like I do?)
"We can't keep doing this you know. The calories... "
"Talk about yourself I'm ok with my diet of apples and oranges."
He smiled while saying, "Um... let's not forget about the bananas." and added, "you should be fined for public indecency for the way you eat a banana!"
"Sure buddy!" I said defensively, "you show me the proper way to eat a banana!..." He kept laughing. "Poor food gets a bad rep for looking like a dick." I shook my head. "but you're right you know, we've gotta cut back. Otherwise how will I get those abs?"
"I like girls with a little belly fat."
"Well in that case you'll find me on the bench press at the gym as of tomorrow." he laughs under his breath meanwhile I feel the mirthful glow of his mood travel across to me.
"Why is it that every time I come outside to refill my water bottle you're always applying that lip gloss?" he pointed to the one in my hand.
"My lips get really dry and it's a moisture retentive lip gloss."
"You could've just asked, I can always help you with that." He moves closer to my face. My arm smack to his response wasn't as effective when I found something so funny.
"I used to ask the office boy to fill up my water bottles you know but now I prefer refilling them myself just so I can look at a certain someone." I rolled my eyes at that — What a flirt.
"Oh really, I heard you tell someone you get bored sitting in a lonely office all day, especially since your colleague just resigned."
That made him serious, "How am I going to survive this place without Aiza... I can't stand being around men all the time. She's not even just a colleague at work. She's literally my best friend." he turned his face to look at me. "Good thing. You came at a good time — You're God sent."
Best friend haan?... "Does she know about your therapist?"
"Yea."
"And how does she feel about it?..."
"Of course she doesn't approve but she can't control what I do. In fact when we broke up I was a mess and she helped me. She was the only one who knew what was wrong and the only one I could really talk to."
"Are Aimen and Aiza friends?"
"She's my friend, that's all that matters." Just as he said that, Aimen called. I saw her picture flash across his iPhone screen and rethought what I had previously, "She looks perfect. This doesn't make any sense... He has to be doing this for the thrill of it. What could possibly be so wrong with her? How can it drive him into cheating on her?"
"Hello, Yes" In a split second his voice changed from casual to sweet. With the way Aimen replied I knew she knew he was serving her a big bowl of the Amir fake sweet special. I knew it. She knew it but he didn't know that we knew it! Then he said, 'Aap' and that word worked like a trigger, it told her something was up. She kept goading him for information — she totally knows. There's no way she doesn't know. "Ok, Allah-hafiz(goodbye)." My unease was palpable after their exchange. He could tell, "She only calls me when she needs something."
"... like what?"
"Like she just wants me home because that's when she gets a break from Aisha."
"Yeah, how unreasonable of her for expecting you to take responsibility of a child she made completely on her own." & how guilt ridden I felt for being the reason he ditched this responsibility. "What a bitch!" Sarcasm can sometimes sting.
*Aap — Term of endearment used in Urdu speaking countries usually to address your elders e.g. mother, father, sister and brother.
If you had to choose between two people, one who you love and the one who loves you and you picked the second one thinking they'll always be the one. FYI. You should have picked none! Cause both of them are not the one! "Like I did everything for her Rania. I did everything. Absolutely everything. I gave my everything to this relationship. I gave every fucking thing I ever had. It hurts to explain it. How much I let go of myself when it came to her. For so many years it was like I was the only one making all the sacrifices and when it was her turn to do something for me she just couldn't come through. No. She didn't want to. It's like she didn't even try."
"..I don't understand..."
"... ok, so it's a very simple thing to close the door. She doesn't close the cupboard door. It's been nine years. Nine years! Of me telling her, thinking she'll eventually understand how much it bothers me. She just doesn't get it!" Yes I know you're thinking he sounds insane. I did too but he wouldn't to those of you who have OCD too. "You know what, forget it. It's marriage — is complicated. Just know that I gave her a 110% and now I can't even give two and it hurts me the most that I can't give two but I've given so much of myself already. I really don't have anything left to give."
I wanted to hug him so bad. I probably would have if he wasn't driving and my ex's rants didn't ring through my ears reminding me, 'You know what guys think about you when you touch their knee, right? You know what he thinks you're up for? Or down for? Whatever way it is that girls like you understand.' No. It's better that I don't touch him. He's married and I look over to see his hands are busy. Good. He squeezes his stress ball, it lessens his anxiety. I deep breathe.
"Why did you?" I ask.
"What?"
"Give a 100?"
Sigh... "Well, the fact that she was from LGS helped. I thought she's all I would ever want. Like she is from a wealthy family and you saw the way she looks..."
I said loudly to the angels on both my shoulders 'Thankyou' & Thank You God I went for therapy, "It's okay, I get it. Every girl in Lahore is born with an Aitchisonian fetish."
"Yeah but I wasn't even from Lahore. I moved here after my after A levels. So having a girl friend from LGS fixed a lot of things for me very quickly."
"This city really does do that to you." I stared into the distance thinking about my own subconscious opportunism, in ways I was too afraid to explain or even fully analyze.
"Like you know the interior designer Shani Afreen?" He didn't wait for my reply, it was a given. Everybody knew her. "Well we went to university together and one day she just randomly walked up to me and asked where my friend and I were from?... I told her I was from an army school in Sargodha and my friend said Garrison. She laughs and looks around while saying, 'I shouldn't even be talking to you right now.' We were both just standing there thinking what just happened." Yea. Sounds about right. That is exactly how Lahore treats people.
"You know what the worst part is? She can't imagine how hearing that must've felt for you two..." even I can't be completely sure someone isn't sharing a story similar to this, about me. When we're young and shallow, we say and do stupid things.
He became cheerful, "Oh, we became friends eventually and we never let her forget it. We threw that line back at her face every opportunity we got!" I laughed at that, I was glad.
"So how exactly does it make things easy having a girlfriend from LGS?"
"While everyone in university would stutter and get nervous around LGS chicks, I was already dating Aimen and because I knew how to talk to her, talking to them came easily to me." He had found an ally in me. "Rai you understand it better than anyone. It's a big deal if you have a girlfriend in LGS."
"Ohkaayyy... who is this Rai?"
"Raina is so long and I was thinking about it and Rain doesn't suit you." we both laugh. "So Rai!" He said cheekily. "Don't you already have a nickname?"
"I do. It's Rai."
"See. I'm telling you! You're a Rai! You always have the best advice and the most interesting opinion about things. So I'll always want your 'Rai' about everything! ok?" he briefly pauses for a moment then says, "Nicholas Cage?" I just got done with my hot chocolate & noticed he said that every time we were heading out.
"Now what does that mean?"
"What? Nicholas Cage? You know... like everyone says 'nikalein idhar sey' (Let's get outta here) Nicholas Cage is just a shorter-quicker-catchier version of saying that?" He made up his own language. I wasn't prepared for this level of cuteness. I smile begrudgingly. It was unfair, why did he have to be THIS adorable!?
'World was on fire, no one could save me but you...' My hair blew restlessly in the wind while Chris Isaak blasted through the car speakers. 'Strange what desire can make foolish people do?'
"Have you ever been in love?" He asked casually. 'I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you...'
"I don't think so, when I look back now... I mean I've liked people but it definitely wasn't love." 'nor I don't wanna fall in love' I couldn't help mouthing 'with you'. "This is such a beautiful song."
"It always reminds me of her." I didn't need to be reminded of who 'her' was.
"How can you be sure this is love and what you had with Aimen wasn't?"
"I just know."
"How...?"
"...she just centers me. I would do anything for her! I could give up anything for her! She's vegan I mean... Mujhey Ishaaq hai ghoost sey, mein uskey liye ghoost chor deta yaar. (I romanticize eating mutton, I would've easily given that up for her)
Well... that was a lot to take in, "...um, you know a woman's mind doesn't work like that right?"
"like what?"
"Like we completely accept the person we love as they are. If she's your therapist & I'm assuming a good one from the way you're talking about her... She probably saw that you're repeating a pattern with her... because of her."
He stayed quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time before saying, "I'm never letting you go. You know that? You're staying with me! I couldn't figure it out for the longest time.... fuckkkk... like I kept rattling my brain for reasons!! Why the fuck did she leave?.. I couldn't understand..." His face was a I let him have his eureka moment.
"Ideally it would make sense to leave you because you know — you're married." I didn't even need to try, this already sounds funny. "I mean but I guess this makes sense too. By the way you spoke about Aimen, it seems like you gave up things to be with her as well... Clearly you have a love of self abandoning."
He let that thought sink in for a bit, "You're right I do..."
"I know... I'm awesome." I continue in my animated voice, "So usually I give my clients the first session for free..."
He chokes back on his laugh and while saying, "I will be sure to pay you in as many dinner dates as I can."
"Who drops you back from work?" Rija walks in on me changing. My bra streamlines for the laundry basket as I fall on the bed exhausted.
"A colleague."
"Is he cute?" the smile came naturally.
"I wish he wasn't."
"Why? Is he interested?"
"... he's interesting."
"Must be with the way you keep smiling." I wanted to clarify, there's nothing like that. He's married but I knew she'd disapprove. Who wouldn't? I would've. So I didn't say anything. I was afraid she'd judge me or worse be disappointed in her upbringing. Our parents had me when she was 14 so she practically raised me. This was new. Me not telling her things but no explanation really could do justice to the cobweb of complexity I was tangled up in. They would let me go before any scrutiny was even placed on his behavior. Or worse he could compel them to let me go. I don't know. I did not know... I didn't know who he was or what he was capable of but most importantly I wasn't in a position to risk finding anything out. "Just be safe my love."