Dear diary,
I feel empty.
I had the sudden urge to express my sorrow through writing. Despite not being good with words, verbal or written, I do want to express my anguish on this plain sheet of paper, for someone to find it one day and see how much I loved the man who was never meant to be mine.
Selfishly, I wish I'd never laid eyes on him. A beauty amidst the masses, so inhumanly stunning. Maybe it was wrong for me to have looked on and on and on until my heart was bursting at the seams, but can you blame me?
I will love him recklessly, without words or meaningless phrases. I will love with blazing truth and hopeless defiance and unapologetic beauty.
Until we meet again, my love.
Year 1681
***
Dear diary,
It's somewhat eerie to write a journey which feels more like an obituary, but I suppose it shall have to suffice.
My days are getting gloomier without being in the presence of your luminous aura, for it could brighten the darkest parts of my being. Excuse my horrible handwriting, it's quite nerve wracking to lay down my heart on paper for you, but I wanted to confess that I still love you and will continue to wait for your return. Until the end of the world, until we cease to exist, until you are the only existing thought I can clearly imagine. You will always remain my purest sin.
Year 1699
***
Dear diary,
It's hard to believe that half a century has passed since your death. How guilty I feel for taking away something as precious to the world as your life, for it could make places like mine a little lighter. You could've created a family by now, had grandchildren who would run behind the house's meadow and bring a smile to your wrinkled face.
Though, your face never wrinkled because you didn't grow old enough to know the burden of aging.
I hope for you to experience it in the next lifetime – the wonder all humans relish and revel in – creating a family of your own.
Sincerely yours,
Jungkook.
Year 1733
***
Dear diary,
Today I watched the sunset from our favorite place – the plane tree – which now grew to an immense girth above the house's walls and dropped curls of bark into the soil. The yellowish rays reminded me of your vellum hair – with its soft strands that turned to gold after being exposed to the daylight. I smiled wistfully as my clothes permeated with the pleasant gloom, for it could warm up the frozen heart you've left after your death.
Still waiting, still anticipating.
Year 1754
***
Dear diary,
It's the dawn of a new century, the very beginning of it. The world just entered a new era. Snow is sipping out of the sky, beautiful and breathtaking as ever, yet it never fails to give my chest a pang of immense pain. I no longer find the snowflakes mesmerizing, nor do I participate in the snow fights forest elves would have.
Because, after all this time of loneliness, the great whiteness still reminds me of your pale face and wavering frown. I remember how your warm blood pooled under my feet and painted the heaps of snow in red. No matter how many times I try to erase the image from my memory, it keeps appearing in the back of my mind, forever ingrained in my head.
I wish for you to teach me the art of loving every season again.
Happy new year, love.
Year 1800
***
Dear diary,
The world is changing hastily, but my devotion to you stays all the same. I don't want to admit it, but after so many years of absolute nothingness, I never imagined I'd start to lose a feeling so precious as my hope. Having said that, I beg you to return by my side, to hold my hand, oh, what will I do if I don't hold you again.
Please, come back soon.
Year 1832
***
Dear diary,
I can feel an arrow in my heart, my love. Memories of you are slowly burning away from my mind, but I cannot forget you. With every ball that is being held I meet Death. His caresses lure me into the endless corridors of the elegant mansions. Crystal chandeliers observe me from above. We are ignorant enough to not know that they are watching from the skies. Brothers and sisters, deities and the Moirai; you.
You, my dearest. Will you dance with me?
Year 1877
***
Dear diary,
What has become of me? I dare ask. Shall I rot? Shall I slowly destroy myself in the agony of not being honoured by my dearest love's very presence; his existence for which I long every moment?
Such questions I ask myself every day. Please, come back so I can have a purpose in my life again.
Year 1893
***
Dear diary,
Lately, I recall that day. When all my life had been unwound. Or so I am often reminded. I am a child again, but the exception that this time I am far lonelier, seeking the person whom I will never have again. The current conditions are enough of an announcement to me that I am not to love or to be loved; for my fate was never one to satisfy the need of fidelity to another soul.
Being stuck in a narrow dark room, hiding from the current cruelties of the war has left me with nothing, but memories of events that have taken part in the far past. I am yet again reminded of him.
Year 1917
***
Dear Taehyung,
Will you still remember the stories I used to tell you about the great oceans and their stormy waters? I promised to bring you there one day. Alas, my vows turned out to be nothing more than mere whispers in the mercilessly blowing wind. All of them taken from us, opportunities that disappeared so easily. As I stood by the coast, contemplating my reflection on the surface of the greyish sea, I realized how lost I was.
In the waves of change I lost a track of my direction. North was suddenly south, and east was west.
What else can I say? The road is hard when you're trying to reach for the sky.
Year 1930
***
Dear Taehyung,
I appear to have the urge to write more and more lately. Without realizing so much time has passed, but what is time when you are not with me? The only thing I am holding onto is the thought of you in my head. The hope that you are somewhere safe, afterlife or this life, that you are not being abused, that your soul rests in the finest of luxuries. A luxury would be to be with me, but to be honest, at that moment I do not wish for you to be here. Fellow to you human blood is being sacrificed and the thought that if you were here, you'd be abused as well, makes me hurt greatly. Wherever you are, be safe. And when everything subsides, come by my side.
Year 1943
***
Dear Taehyung,
The world is a mess. And I am referring to my world as well. I have been going on and off seeking a way to find your lost soul. To complete mine, to unite my other half, because without you I do feel painfully empty.
Nevertheless, I am nearer to finding you than I've ever been. Wait for me, my love.
Year 1984
***
Dear Taehyung,
My heart still bleeds for you.
Year 2001
♧Long time no see, dear friends. This chapter may be boring to some of you and interesting to others. Truth is, I've never written something more difficult in my entire life. It was basically a sneak peek of Jungkook's personal diary in which he'd explained how tiresome everything was without Taehyung's presence. Many thanks to IARAVV for helping me with this chap♡ hope you liked it ~♧