15
____________
MARLEY
2 YEARS AGO
The following morning, Eren is gone. Johanna's feeble arm stretches out only to touch cold empty space next to her. Her lips frown a little at this. She hates waking up alone.
She doesn't just hate it, she despises it. And she wasn't aware she hated it until she started waking up next to someone routinely— next to Eren. There's something melancholic about starting the first second of your day utterly alone. Perhaps— and its a struggle for her to admit— she feels most vulnerable while asleep, at the peak of dawn right before the sun coats everything in a pink and orange haze. The stillness of it... can't be withstood alone. Waking up with no one reminds her of when she really was all by her lonesome. Abandoned. Left astray to fend for herself.
Obviously, she's not that little girl anymore. But a part of that girl lives inside her still, and sometimes... when it's least expected... her fear of abandonment leaps out quicker than she can bottle it up.
Jo's hand retracts. She snuggles further into the blanket and brings her knees in, curling up like a disgruntled cat.
"Suicidal blockhead." she mutters.
"... What did you say?"
She sits up in alarm. Who else but none other than Eren steps out of the bathroom, fully dressed and in the middle of fixing his tie.
"I thought you left." Jo says, surprised.
He seems confused by this notion. "Why wouldn't I wait for you? Here," he hands her a clean set of folded clothes.
She thanks him and takes it. The squad has to dress nice again today. In a couple minutes they'll be attending a meeting held by the Association To Protect the Subjects of Ymir. If all goes well, Hanji will work her magic to form some alliances.
Eren resumes trying to fix his tie, except he's turned it into a tangled mess around his shirt collar. Jo chuckles.
"Need help with that, big guy?" She offers.
Eren shoots her a look but obliges. He huffs and drops his hands, allowing her to help him. He can protest all he wants, but Jo knows he secretly likes being babied.
"You can smash buildings four times your size but you can't tie a tie." Jo critiques playfully.
Eren's eyes flicker to her semi-exposed body, the blankets hardly clinging onto her.
"I can smash a lot more than—"
She fastens the tie painfully tight and he chokes. She waits, a hand on her hip.
He smiles crookedly. "Sorry."
╳ ╳ ╳
The chairman bangs his fist down on the podium, his brow lined with the heavy sweat of his tenacity.
"We seek aid for the displaced subjects of Ymir scattered across nations! These refugees were never once Eldians, nor do they have anything to do with the dangerous ideologies of the Eldian empire! They are nothing more than victims who deserve compassion, forced by the Eldian Empire into creating offspring! It is only the devils of that island who deserve our hatred, now and forever! The devils who escaped to that island a hundred years ago are the ones we should abhor!"
The squad doesn't utter a word. In fact, they dare not breathe too noticeably for fear of being plucked out of the audience somehow. The nine of them exchange furtive glances that mean "oh shit" but they mask their bewilderment for the most part.
Jo sits uncomfortably on the rickety benches between Eren and Levi. She got bored of this lunatic a long time ago, raging on about how island-born Eldians are scum of the earth. She's resorted to picking her nails to bide her time. It seems like this whole trip, though enjoyable and eye-opening, has turned out to be a waste of time. Dealing with people like this and their twisted views... they won't get any closer to fixing Paradis' crisis.
"Our true enemies are the devils of that island!"
The crowd erupts in cheers and hollers of agreement.
"What a fucking shitshow..." Jo mutters absentmindedly.
Levi gives her a nudge with his foot that means "keep your voice down". She sighs weakly. She's about to lean her head on Eren's shoulder but realizes with a startle that he's no longer next to her.
That's strange... he was here a second ago... She looks around wildly and spots the back of him, dark outgrown hair tucked under his hat, walking numbly out the door. He slips away and is gone in the blink of an eye. Gone without so much as a word.
The rest of the day treads on aimlessly; Levi and Hanji are out of ideas. Everyone feels stumped. The squad was instructed to return to their rooms and wait out the rest of their visit in the Azumabito's provided shelter, that assembly having served as a grim reminder that truly no one is on their side. And that so long as their feet are touching Marley soil, no one is safe. Levi and Hanji took to Miss Kiyomi's office in the meantime where they discussed how to proceed from here.
Jo secretly envies the conversations going on within those four walls. She wishes to be a part of them, to at least sit and listen. It'll give her something to do. But she supposes some downtime is beneficial for her mind and body. So in retrospect, being limited to her room isn't that horrible.
Eren has been quiet today. Very quiet in comparison to how he was acting yesterday. She understands though; the words spoken at the assembly were incredibly distressing. It's difficult knowing the whole world is against you simply because of your race and a long-spanning history you yourself aren't a part of. Yes, she wants to seek freedom for Eldians too. Of course and without a doubt. But this wasn't always her dream, not like Eren. He's had this dream since he was a bright-eyed, voracious child with an appetite for change. It must be so taxing for him to have his vision crushed over, and over, and over again.
Therefore, she understands he's taken some space to think and probably mull over this tight predicament.
But when she hears a knock on her door and she arises from a blithe nap she hadn't planned on taking, she is happy to see it's Eren on the other side.
He forces a dim smile. "Let's take a walk."
╳ ╳ ╳
Its another beautifully serene night, except this time the sky is lackluster and devoid of light: starless, murky and imperceptible. If Jo squints intently she can make out vague swirls and shapes amongst the pitch black of the clouds.
Her and Eren walk along the shore, having strayed farther down the beach than last time, two or more miles away from the immigrants who have set up their humble tents and created dwellings out of their alienation.
They snuck out again. However, it's become so blatantly easy that Jo suspects Levi is actually well-aware of their rendezvous. Maybe he's secretly letting it slide.
The waves crash restlessly, magnificent and soothing. Jo loses herself in the sound as she strolls with Eren, her head laid gingerly against his arm, hand interlocked in his.
She doesn't know why Eren suddenly felt the need to go on a walk, but she is pleased nonetheless. It's little moments like these that keep her going sometimes. Little moments such as this one... make a life reduced to mayhem make sense. If only for a fleeting second.
She glances up at Eren's wan face. He hasn't uttered a single word since they stepped out. Perhaps the waves have lulled him into the same blissful state as her.
"If you told me three years ago that I was gonna end up here, I would never believe it." She muses, and they slow to a stop, watching the waves roll in and out. "Then again... what the hell did we know back then, right? We were just kids." She chuckles in afterthought.
"Yeah." Eren suppresses a frown.
Jo's gaze remains on the sea, entranced. "Hey. Remember when I first talked to you... our second day of training... remember what I said? 'Alright Jaeger let's get this over with...' " She laughs to herself again, "look at us now."
"Johanna..." his voice lacks emotion all of a sudden.
She turns and looks at him square in the face, realizing that his hand has slipped out of hers. "Hm?"
He turns his back to her, a hand wearily massaging his left temple. She expects him to say something, ask something, anything at all. But the silence that he allows to settle in the space between them leaves her guessing instead.
She frowns, concerned. "Are you okay?"
He takes a moment. A single, solitary breath of composure.
"We should end this."
Johanna tries to decipher this cryptic message. He could be talking about anything. "End what?"
"Us."
But not... that. Never that.
She can hardly believe her ears. "I... what?" Perhaps the wind muddled that word, turned it into a culmination of her biggest fears and drove it like a stake right through her heart.
Except she was wrong. Because Eren kept going, clear as day, "We shouldn't be together. We should just stop."
She sighs. The abundant amount of patience she reserves just for him kicks in. "Eren, it's okay to be nervous and doubt your choices. We've been thrust into a lot of changes lately and—"
"Don't you get it?" He suddenly whirls around with such severity it makes her flinch. "I don't love you!"
A suffocating, invisible weight crushes her chest. She must be dreaming. This has to be a nightmare.
But no... the tide comes up and submerges her bare feet. It is cold. And very real.
Eren starts to turn away, intent on going god knows where. But no, where does he plan on going? Nowhere. Because he's Eren, and he loves her, and she loves him, and surely he's not going anywhere without her by his side.
"Eren, stop... Eren, please—" She implores and grabs his arm.
He tries to shake her off, but in his attempt to wrench out of her grip another stronger wave crashes against their legs, throwing them off balance. They hit the ground, elbows and fingers and knees burrowing into the waterlogged sand. Another wave follows— Jo coughs up a bit of stray saltwater, Eren holding her down.
"I never loved you!" He yells. There's water residue in his face and some of it looks like tears, but Jo can't be sure. "I was just playing the part! It was all circumstance! I thought, why not... the daughter of Humanity's Strongest and Humanity's only Titan-shifter. That's a nice image. And my image wasn't so great back then. How could Paradis trust a monster when all they wanted to do that day in court was kill it? The second I found out you were the Corporal's daughter, that's what made me stay.... you fully trusted me, so the Corporal would too. And if the Corporal trusted me, so would the public. It made sense. But... that's in the past now. I got what I wanted. The world is bigger, the game has changed."
Saltwater droplets. Tears. They mingle on her cheeks and burn. She shrivels under his drilling stare, his teal eyes unfamiliar and harsh. This can't be happening. But it is.
It is.
"I've put up with you for so long..." He continues viciously, "You're of no use to me now. Now... you're just a burden."
So its come to this, then. The arms that once held her ... the hands that once kept her afloat might as well be drowning her right now.
Three words she never pictured herself saying leave her shivering lips:
"I hate you." Her voice breaks.
Eren's face doesn't waver. "The feeling is mutual."
She shoves him off and scrambles to her feet, part of her hair dripping along with her skirt and blouse. A gust of wind blows. She clutches herself at the biting cold and treks across the sand, refusing to look back. She can't. It'll kill her to look back at him.
Her mind is scattered. The world feels tipped upside down. All she needs right now is to get away.
The streets are blurry. Her eyes bleary with tears, she wanders without really seeing. Not that it matters where she's going. Frankly, its hard to believe anything matters.
After thirty minutes of being cold and wet, she grows tired of bumping into people or having people bump into her, so she decides to be cold and wet away from the night crowd in a desolate, wire-fenced playground. She has no idea what part of town she's in. And although the dangerous possibilities should worry her, it doesn't.
She vaguely registers a raggedy, older man leaning against the fence some feet away, the smell of a burning cigarette clouding him.
Jo numbly slides down to the grass, her back resting against the fence. Her bloodshot eyes fixate on the swings as they sway hauntingly with the now calm breeze. Crickets sing faintly. Eren's words replay over and over and another rush of tears steals her breath. She's cried so much— a dull headache is starting to form.
She takes the engagement ring off her finger and immediately feels naked without it.
"Hey little lady," the nearby man approaches sluggishly, stopping at a comfortable distance. Jo doesn't look up at him. Whether it's because she doesn't care enough or because this man's energy doesn't raise any red flags, she's not sure.
Jo sees his hand extend in her peripheral vision. She already knows what's in it.
"Need a cigarette?"
END OF CHAPTER