Friday, November 13th- 3:50 p.m.
I think I'm starting to realize how I use my defense mechanisms to, in turn, hurt myself because I care too much about protecting all those around me.
I see the best in people and I do everything to keep them safe. When I realize I'm what's holding them back, I will inflict every inch of pain on myself necessary to make sure they will be okay.
I think it's a form of repression and denial, but I know what I'm doing when I push him away. I just refuse to accept that maybe a good thing is allowed to happen to me. Maybe I am allowed to be happy. Maybe I am allowed to want to live.
But my mind can't wrap around that idea, so instead, I push people away.
That's what I did yesterday with Ashton. I sensed a chance I could get hurt when he left, so I pushed him away to 'protect myself' which in the end would only end up hurting us both.
But I'm broken. He knows that. He knows that I don't know how to act around the idea of pain. I fear it so much that I push everything and anything away that could cause it- including him.
That why I'd stuck to exactly that pain response for the past 24 hours. Every time Ash would reach out, I tried to ignore it. I didn't want to hurt him and I knew that was in turn what I was doing, but I had to protect myself this time. We all remember what happened when I didn't last time.
I wasn't sure how it was truly affecting him- he never let me see his pain- but I just hoped he was okay. I knew he was alive because we periodically texted since he feared I'd done something again, but I had no clue how he actually felt. He always put my safety over his own emotions, but I hoped for once he was valuing himself like I was trying to make him.
I knew this game was going to be rough... It was the last home game before we moved onto districts. It was senior night and Ash's mom was supposed to be there. There were still supposed to be scouts there like last time. Ash was set to score his 100th career goal, and he and I were back to the same terms we had been on square one. The worst of all? This was the first game I'd have to play after finding out my second family had been lying to me- the lie that almost killed me.
But another one of those coping mechanisms I was talking about was disassociating people from the memories they'd burned in my head. I'd been doing it for months with Andrew and Ashton, what was one more game? At least the season would be over soon.
That's why I treated everything that day like they weren't who they were. I ignored everyone around me, ready to play my game as if I didn't know a single person on that field. It was the easiest way for me to force myself to do it, and in the long run, it was the best for everyone.
I only ever get hurt by the people I love and he only hurts the people he loves. We were a recipe for disaster from the start. No wonder they always leave that part out of the fairy tales.
I'd managed to make it through the locker room without a hitch, ignoring everyone around me and arriving late to avoid a specific someone. I made sure to time myself well enough to put the smallest amount of time between when I'd arrive and when Coach would appear to take us out to the field.
Thankfully I timed it quite well, Coach walking in as I finished tying my cleats. I pulled the headphone out of my ears at his presence, listening to his usual pep talk as I finished my last-minute things.
He explained how senior night would work, and how at halftime they would each walk across the field with their parents and have their final recognition as an eagle on their home field.
Thankfully I was a junior still, so I didn't have to worry about it, but Ash did. Everyone else I was close with did, but none of us were on speaking terms.
Coach tried his hardest to get us all pumped up, which wasn't hard for the seniors readying to have their last debut on that field, but I was numb to everything again, and none of their emotions affected me anymore.
But of course, when my eyes fell to him, I couldn't force myself to look away, no matter how much energy I tried to put into it. I loved everything about that authentic green- about that man in general- but here I was pushing myself away, allowing us both to sulk in our pain instead of just putting in the work and trust to fix it.
The whole world around me cut out as we stared at each other from across the room. He could read me like a book- I was the novel he'd written- and he could tell I was falling back to that stage of numbness again.
I could see the pain in his eyes too. He didn't deserve what I was doing to him, but he and I both didn't deserve what would have to happen down the road to keep us together.
Everything around me was silent even though all the commotion happening around me. That's why when his lips moved, it felt like we were back in the front seats of his Jeep, driving with the panels off and fine line on the stereo- exactly how it had been when he's said it to me for the first time- or like his arms were around me as I nuzzled my face into his chest- exactly how it had been when he'd said it just days earlier.
"We'll be alright, Angel."
I could see and sense the movement around us as the team started filing out to the field, but in this moment I was on the roof- the world was continuing to spin, but time froze between us.
I slowly fell back to earth as the last few bodies left, leaving us as the last two.
"We'll never be alright," I whispered back, raising from my bench to leave him in the silence of the locker room.
There were no lockers rattling, no bodies jumping in excitement, no loud cheers. It was completely silent, and it was at that moment I realized how detrimental true silence can be.
I walked myself behind the team out to the field, hearing the locker room door swing open behind me as I finally reached the outside- meaning Ashton had followed behind to join me in my blissful ignorance of pretending we'd never even met.
I caught up with the team as they set up on the bench, everyone here now as Coach gave us our final rundown of the game.
"Listen up guys," he started, making us all quiet down as we looked up to him. "It's your last game on this field for this season. For many of you, it's the last time you will ever play on your home field as an Eagle. I'm beyond proud of this whole team. Your records are good enough for this season that you would make it to districts even if we lost today, but you guys haven't lost one yet- don't let today be a first. I know the strength you all carry, as people and as a team. You know this game and you know each other, so play like it. Leave your heart out on that field. You guys have got this. Just play like you always do."
I felt myself smile lightly, even if it was back to being fake, Coach deserved to know the impact he had on each and every one of us.
"Okay, now let's go!" he said more excited. "For our last home game, every senior is lined up to start so they can call your number one last time as you step on the field, but there is only ten of you..." he slowed his words as he looked over to me. "And I think our seniors need their little firecracker on the field with them."
I shook my head at first. There were so many other underclassmen who deserved to start the last game more than me, but when Ash spoke from the end erupting agreements from the rest of the team, I didn't get much of a choice.
"Auni, you have to," Ashton started. I slowly looked over at him. He knew this was the only season I was going to play, so technically this was my last start on this field too.
The rest of the team let out words of agreement, forcing me to look back at Coach with a nod. "Thank you."
He smiled to me before going back to pumping up the rest of the team, but I couldn't help but notice the person who'd walked up to Ashton on the other end of the bench.
The man looked important, his outfit screaming professional. I wanted to know what he was saying, but I couldn't hear over Coach.
My curiosity got the best of me, and I stood up from where I sat, slowly walking over to the other end where the water jug was, readying to fill mine to give myself a chance to eavesdrop.
I watched as Ashton stood up from the bench, walking a few feet off to the side to talk with this man, and I'd finally gotten close enough to listen in.
"My name is Jackson Little," the man spoke as he faced Ash, just a few inches taller than him but many years older. The name rang a bell, but I couldn't remember exactly where from. "And I'm the Eastside Eagle who's record you beat multiple games ago."
I could see Ashton in my peripheral, watching his reaction as he connected the same dots I just did. Jackson little had been the student in 1993 who has set the most goals in one player's high school career that Ashton had wiped clean back in October. I felt myself smile too as Ashton laughed, his happiness contagious as he continued on.
"Dang, I'm sorry," Ash laughed out, collecting himself to continue on. "I know how much work I had to put in to beat it, I can't imagine how much you had to put in to set it."
"No, don't be sorry," the older man assured. "I admire seeing your love for the sport and the effort in these younger generations. You show both of those, Mr. Irwin. I admire how much effort you put into each game."
Ashton nodded, mouthing a "thank you" as the man continued.
"I've been watching you for a few games now, and I adore the drive and admiration you have for this game," he continued to compliment. "I also watched your wipeout last game, how's your leg? Or maybe foot? I saw you were limping as you walked off."
"Yeah, my ankle," Ashton started explaining. I continued to pretend to fill my water bottle, moving on to the team ones for an excuse not to move. "I just rolled it. I had a boot on until I got it x-rayed but nothing was broken so they moved me down to a supportive brace so I could get back on the field for my last game."
"Yeah, I wouldn't want you to miss the chance of breaking 100 goals," Jackson laughed back, quieting again to ask more questions. "I saw you were still on the bench after you got hurt last time, but who was on the field with your number then? It confused me at first until I saw you on the sidelines."
"Oh, yeah, that's Anastasia Hemmings," Ashton started, and I felt his glance on me as he stuttered over the next part. "She's my... Uh. My g- she's my teammate. My best friend. But she's the only girl and the only uniform that would fit her just happened to be my number, so she's been wearing duck tape to make the 5 and 6 but the rain messed it up last time."
Jackson laughed at Ashton's explanation, cause in reality it kinda was a funny situation. "It confused me at first but then I saw after she shot on goal, you were on the sidelines talking to her and I noticed the long hair and was like, 'oh, that's definitely not him'. The foot height difference probably should have been enough too, but it just took me a minute. She was good though. I didn't notice it wasn't you because she plays just like you."
Ashton chuckled a bit to himself, looking between me and the ground beneath him, biting his cheek just like I do. "Yeah, she does play just like me. We have a lot more in common than I'll ever admit."
"You're close with her then?" Jackson continued asking.
"Uh, yeah. You could say that," Ash replied, kicking the ground beneath him for a distraction.
"Do you know anything about her?" Jackson pushed, obviously making Ashton uncomfortable since we knew literally everything about one another.
He took a deep breath before continuing. "There is so much more to that girl than you or I will ever understand. She's... She's something else...."
Jackson just laughed. "Oh definitely. Has to be something special to play on an all guys team as the only girl. Is she looking to play in college too, do you know?"
"I'm not sure what her plans are yet. She's only playing right now as a qualification for the scholarship she has been looking at but maybe she'll fall in love with the game once I'm gone," Ashton replied, trying to avoid eye contact the longer he spoke about me.
"She's definitely got some spark in her, and I can see her love for the game in the way she plays," they continued talking about me, not realizing I could hear it all. "Like I said, a lot like you."
Ashton nodded again, looking back over to Coach to see how close we were to go on field. Jackson patted his shoulder quickly to catch his attention, readying to part ways.
"Well, I don't want to stress you out too much before you go play so for now you stay focused on getting that 100th career goal, and make sure to wait around after the games over," Jackson told him. "I want to talk to you one last time before you get going."
"Yes, Sir," Ashton nodded one last time, starting his goodbyes as I quickly got myself back down to the other end to avoid him.
I didn't know what Jackson's intentions were, but I guess we'd find out after the game, cause for now we all had to keep our minds focused.
We had a game to win. And I had a smile to fake for the next hour and a half.