Chapter Twenty-Nine.
“Reina I just think that you need to honestly think about what you’re doing.”
“And I have thought about it Casey. I’ve thought about it for a week now and after today I’m even more certain that this is what I want to do.”
Sliding on a pair of jeans, I heard her let out a sigh but I ignored her and rummaged through the dresser drawer to find a sweater. This is just what needs to happen.
“I don’t really see what you’re getting at Reina. All Justin did was show that he cared about you. Scott acts like he doesn’t give a shit whenever I talk to someone but I wish he did because it’s reassuring to know they don’t want you with anyone else. I think you’re being a bit selfish right now.”
“I’m not being selfish Casey! It’d be one thing if it only happened once but it’s been happening constantly and I’m so tired of it. Beyond tired.”
When she was silent I knew she was upset with me and that she had just given up. It’s hard enough to have to put some distance between Justin and I but I just think a little space will do us some good. There’s no denying that I’m in love with him but as far as this whole jealousy thing goes he needs to know that I’m not going to put up with that. It drives me crazy.
“Casey, don’t be upset with me. I’m not going to end things completely but I need my space because I’m getting distracted with my schoolwork too because of him. This is just nothing like I thought it would be.”
“Hard work? Yeah Reina, welcome to a relationship.”
“And I know it’s hard work! We’ve been together for a few months now and it’s been great but I can’t get over the jealousy. I just can’t.”
“Then maybe you-“
Knocks on the door interrupted us and Casey gave me a look as if to say, please think about what you’re doing but I was thinking about it and when I opened it to reveal Justin looking better than ever I got short of breath like I always seemed to get by just one single glance. He completely did this on purpose.
“You wanted to talk?” He asked bitterly.
His lips looked better than ever and he styled his hair so it was spiked upwards in the front with a leather jacket and a light pair of jeans. He looked so damn good and I just nodded my head, leading him out into the hallway of the dorms so that Casey wouldn’t hear our conversation.
“Uh, yeah.” I said. “I did.”
We walked down into the lounge where there were these ugly patterned couches with a television set that got all fuzzy and you had to smack it at times. Thankfully no one was there so I took a seat and watched him plop down beside me, his elbows resting on top of his knees.
When I pictured this conversation in my head a thousand times I never thought it would be this difficult but staring at him and noticing how scared and vulnerable he looked in this exact moment felt like a knife got pressed through my heart. Justin could make so many girls happy and I know that what I’m doing to him isn’t fair and this is part of the reason why I’m ending things. In time he’s going to find out how annoying I am and how hard I am to put up with and he’s going to leave just like everyone else in my life has. He deserves better than me and he just needs to realize that. I need to let him go before he lets me go.
“Justin I just think that over the past couple of weeks things have been… difficult. The jealousy is just getting to be-“
“Please don’t.” He whispered. “If you’re about to say what I think you are then please just don’t.”
“I’m not saying things are over Justin I’m just saying that I need some time apart for a little bit.”
“And how much time do you exactly need Reina? We haven’t spoken for a week. Is that not enough time to figure things out?”
“I did think about it and when you came to the library even more jealousy came up. You’re so insecure about us. How the hell could we ever be in a long term relationship?”
I thought maybe we could talk about things more and I thought that maybe we could come to some sort of an agreement but he stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets and had his jaw clenched beyond belief.
“You’re a piece of work Reina.” He scoffed.
“Justin I tried to-“
“YOU DIDN’T TRY ANYTHING!” He screamed, throwing his hands up into the air. “IF YOU TOLD ME WE’D BE OVER BECAUSE OF THE JEALOUSY I WOULD HAVE STOPPED. BUT NOW IT’S A ONE-TIME THING AND IT’S OVER? ONE STRIKE AND I’M OUT?”
“I DID TELL YOU! I TOLD YOU THAT NIGHT WITH YOUR FRIENDS THAT I HATED IT AND THEN YOU STORMED INTO THE LIBRARY DOING THE SAME DAMN THING!”
“BECAUSE HE FUCKING RAPES GIRLS REINA! THIS IS WHAT HE DOES AND I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE YOU BE NEXT.”
“HE RAPES GIRLS? DO YOU REALIZE HOW INSANE YOU SOUND? LUKE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT NICE JUSTIN AND I’M JUST HELPING HIM STUDY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.”
“HAVEN’T YOU HEARD EVERYONE TALK ABOUT HIM ON CAMPUS? HE’S ALL OVER THE DAMN SCHOOL AND YOU DON’T EVER WANT TO THINK THAT MAYBE FOR A SECOND THAT I’M RIGHT. YOU NEVER DO.”
“AND YOU CAN’T EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND THAT MAYBE IT’S JUST FUCKED UP RUMORS ABOUT AN INNOCENT PERSON!”
Two girls who came out of their dorm room paused for a second at the two of us and I just let out a sigh, wiping away a couple of tears that had stupidly come onto my face from fighting with him. I can’t even believe this right now and all I want is just some time away to think about everything. I know it’s been long enough but I just can’t be around him right now.
“Justin, look I don’t want things to be over between us. I just need some time, okay? We just-“
“What about Vegas Reina? We’re supposed to go with everyone and now we have to be single on this trip? I don’t want to lose you. Please just let me try again to make things better.”
“And hopefully by Vegas things will be fixed. I just need some time Justin. Please give me that.”
The worst part about all of this is that I didn’t want him to go. I think love is like this sometimes though. I think that sometimes we become so obsessed and infatuated with the idea of love that when it actually comes to us and we get to experience it we realize it’s not truly what we wanted. This is what I’m afraid of with him because to me, I’m so in love with him it’s ridiculous but no one except me knows the depth of the affection I have for him while he on the other hand could just be pretending. Granted, I know that’s far-fetched, but still. You never know someone’s intentions for you and I hate that I can’t read their minds to see if you’re something they really want or if you’re just someone they want to screw every once and awhile. Call me insecure because that’s exactly what I am and I know it but there’s no getting rid of it. This is something I can’t cure.
“Reina I know that you think this is what you need right now but I don’t think that at all. I’m afraid you’re going to leave Reina and if you do then-“
“Then what? Justin you’re going to be just fine without me. I am nothing special and I can assure you of that.”
“But you’re special to me and that’s what you don’t understand. Maybe other guys haven’t treated you fairly and maybe you’ve never been truly cared for by someone before but I’m trying to be that guy for you and you’re making it so difficult for me. I’m trying here Reina and I feel like my effort isn’t enough. If you want time apart then fine but I don’t think this is what we need. I fell in love with you for a reason and I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep you. I mean that.”
“But why?” I emphasized, trying everything to not break down and sob. “You can do so much better Justin. I’m just a person full of problems that’s seriously fucked up in the head and you should know that by now. I’ve played mind games with you since day one because I’m so insecure about myself and everyone around me so why are you still sitting here? Why are you even slightly interested in me?”
“Because sometimes we don’t have a choice.”
No sound could be heard right now as soon as the words left his lips and I sat there in shock at his sentence because his voice was soft and melodic almost. It was calming and relaxing and so reassuring to me that I just stared at him and waited for him to continue. I didn’t have anything to say.
“Sometimes you meet someone and it just fuckin’ clicks. I don’t know how to explain it. No part of me remembers how or when it hit me but one day I just looked at you and that was it. It just fuckin’ clicked.”
“Yeah well you’re going to feel that way about a lot of girls most likely Justin. And for whatever reason I was just the first one.”
That wasn’t what I wanted to say at all. What I wanted to do was break down and sob into his arms and thank him for being such an amazing and incredible guy but he just needed to leave and go find someone that can actually love him full heartedly and can love him with everything they have. I can’t love him completely if I can’t love myself first. That’s being unfair to him and he needs someone who can treat him fairly.
“Reina, please.” He begged when I stood to my feet. “Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do whatever you want.”
“I need you to give me some time Justin. That’s what I want, okay? We’re not over I just need to get things sorted out right now in my life before I can have you in it as well. That sounds stupid but it’s just the truth.”
I watched him look at me for a couple of moments to see if it was what I really wanted and when he realized that it was, he let out a sigh and nodded his head, staring down at his feet.
“Okay.” He replied meekly. “Just let me know when you’re ready and I’ll be here Reina. You know that I’ll always be here.”
A/N:
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