This chapter is dedicated to MrsJadeDicaprio thank you soo much for all the love you've been giving my story. It always makes me happy to see your comments. Love you!
I know you all have lives :) but please make sure to read the author's note at the end.
***
He sits so still that for a moment, I wonder if he heard me. He stares at me unblinkingly and then shakes his head as if in denial.
"I've always wanted to live in Paris, and this seems like a good time to do it. I'm moving in with my cousin, Alex until I figure out the housing there. I can use the summer to get to know the campus and surroundings." I explain.
Liam shakes his head again, holding his head between his hands.
"Please tell me this is a joke, Jess. Please."
"I know this is sudden. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I applied there. I didn't actually think I would consider enrolling."
He takes a ragged breath and looks at me. The vulnerability and pain in his eyes is so stark it makes me wince.
"You're leaving me?"
"Liam,..."
"No, you promised, Jess. You promised you wouldn't give up. I told you I can't handle losing you." He gets up and walks over to me.
I take a startled breath when he takes my hand in his, sitting next to me.
"I know I deserve this. I do. You have every right to want to leave. But you can't, Jess. You can't end us. I will give you space if you want. We can take a break, and I won't bother you. Everything will be on your terms."
His hands are trembling in mine, and I grip them firmly.
"I'm sorry, Liam. But this can't go on. It has to end before we trap ourselves in a vicious cycle of causing each other so much pain. We can't keep depending on each other for our happiness. We both have past wounds that made us who we are, and we need to work on healing them. We need to be able to stand alone before we can stand together. "
He shakes his head again, his face contorted with confusion and anguish.
"You're actually breaking up with me?" He grimaces. "We love each other. I love you more than life itself. I would do anything for you, Jess. Anything."
"But I don't just want to be loved. I want to be trusted. I want to be respected. I need communication. I don't want to cry more than I laugh. I don't want to wake up wondering if I'm going to find out something that will crush me. You keep so much hidden, Liam. I am always trying to understand, but how can I when you're always hiding from yourself? I just can't do it anymore. It's too painful. I don't want to go through the same thing my mom went through. We both deserve better."
"No, we are not them, Jess! I hurt you by trying not to hurt you. But I will never do anything like that again. I promise you."
"Please, Liam. Don't fight me on this." I am barely holding on to my resolve.
He lets out a shaky breath and takes his hands out of mine, shoving his fingers through the dark strands of his hair.
"I can't believe this is happening."
I know this is hurting him. It's hurting me. But he must have expected this would end with a goodbye. Except, I don't think that he did.
"You can't move across the world where I won't be able to see you. You can still go to NYU. I can stay away for as long as you need me to, for God's sake. Don't fucking move across the ocean!"
If I stay another hour, he will make me change my mind. I need to be firm if this is to go as planned. But inside, I am losing grip. It feels like every breath I'm taking is burning my lungs. My chest feels like it's being crushed by a ton of bricks. And I just want to jump into his arms and never leave. But I'm afraid staying might hurt worse than leaving.
"I want to move. You have so many people who care about you here, Liam. I'm sure you know this. The world doesn't begin and end with us."
He looks at me like I am causing him so much pain, and for a moment, I hate myself for putting that look in his eyes.
"It does for me." He says quietly.
"Don't you see that isn't healthy? I don't like what we are becoming."
"Since when? We love each other. I don't see a problem with that. Everything started to make sense when I found you. I don't know how to live without you, Jess."
"You do. We're so young. We will figure it out."
I tell him about how I have been coping lately with counting the stars.
"I know it sounds stupid at first. But try it. It really helps."
He looks at me incredulously.
"That won't help me, Jess. If I look up at the sky, the only thing I'll look for is a shooting star, so I can wish for you to change your mind about this. We can figure this out. I know we can! Don't leave."
"I can't stay."
He takes a long, steady breath.
"Okay, then. Let me come with you."
I look at him with surprise.
"You can't. You have got your whole future mapped out."
"You were supposed to be a part of it, Jess. I can enroll in culinary school in Paris or take some courses. You don't have to see me often. We can be friends."
My eyes widen further. I knew he would try to convince me to stay, but I didn't think he would actually consider moving across the world just to be my friend. He is selling himself short, telling me he'll take whatever he can get. And that makes my heart hurt.
"We can never be friends, Liam."
He looks at me with eyes filled with desolation.
"I don't want to lose you."
"I don't either. But this is for the best. I need to leave, and you need to let me."
He takes a shaky breath, eyes so full of anguish it hurts to look at him.
"Please! Please, don't do this."
"If we stay together, I will resent you. I will resent myself. You broke something in our relationship that I'm not sure can be mended. We can't continue to be two halves that need each other to be whole. This isn't the kind of love I want. I want to be whole on my own. And I want to love someone who is whole. We both deserve that. If you love me, you'll let me go."
I know this will break me just as much as it'll break him, if not more. But I know the only thing worse than leaving would be staying.
Liam buries his face in his palms for a long time, and only when I see the tears running through his fingers do I realize he is crying. He doesn't make a sound. He just sits there, his shoulders shaking silently.
My heart clenches, and I reach for him but then stop myself. My eyes fill with tears, and it takes everything in me not to wrap my arms around him and take back everything I said. I am afraid if I let him hold me, it'll be easier to never let go. But I need to do this. I knew this would be difficult. I knew coming here that we were too entangled to have a clean break. So even though seeing his pain is killing me, I need to give us a chance to find ourselves before we drown in each other forever. And I need to find a way to forgive his betrayal in my own time.
"I need to go. It's getting late." I say, but he doesn't look up.
My heart aches in my chest when I realize he isn't going to look up and watch me walk away.
I hesitate for a second and then get up. I don't want to leave him like this. But what would staying here accomplish? The damage is already done. I'll call Sophia and tell her he needs her. I have a lot of support around me, and I want Liam to have the same. It hurts knowing he might choose to not confide in anyone. But I know that if he turns to his mother, she will care for him as a mother should.
"I'm leaving," I say quietly.
"I will always love you." He says, his voice strangled, his face still in his palms.
Tears burn my eyes, and my throat feels clogged.
I will always love you, too, Liam.
"Goodbye, Liam," I croak before rushing outside.
I dial Sophia and tell her Liam needs her. Then I get inside my car, and I cry all the way home. Leaving Liam is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and the pain of knowing that it's truly over takes my breath away.
***
When you are hurting, time seems to pass painfully slow. The last couple of days felt like decades. I nearly called Liam about a hundred times. I have no idea how I'm going to survive this. I feel like I am going to snap with every minute that passes without talking to him.
I step into my graduation gown numbly. I spent half of the last twenty-four hours trying to ignore my despair and the other half crying bitterly. I'm honestly surprised that I even have the energy to change and do my makeup, but I can mostly attribute that to Steff and mom.
"You look stunning." Steff looks at me through the mirror with a huge smile.
I return it with a smaller one.
"You're the stunning one. My face is so puffy."
She snorts.
"Nonsense. You look beautiful."
I'm wearing a short white wrap dress and nude heels beneath the maroon gown. And Steff is in a pastel yellow midi dress and white sandals.
We both grab our caps and walk out of the room. Jeremy greets us with a huge smile.
"You two look gorgeous."
He's in a black tux, looking as handsome as ever. I give him a hug.
"Look at you! You're the most handsome valedictorian I've ever seen." I tell him, and he grins at me.
"How are you doing?" He asks.
"I've been better."
He nods.
"And you will be again. As much as I'll miss you, I think you're doing the right thing."
I nod. I'm glad my friends are backing me up on this because it would have made it so much more difficult if they were against this move.
Mom sheds a few tears as we wait for Anna to show up, and once she arrives, the twins congratulate and give me a hug at the door on our way out.
My heart starts to pound erratically as we near the school. I am terrified of what my reaction is going to be when I see Liam. I wonder if Sophia will be there with him. This is a big day, and I hope he doesn't choose to spend it alone. Just the thought makes me feel awful. I don't want the end of our relationship to mean he disconnects from my family, but that is exactly what it means, at least while I'm still here.
"Here we are!" Mom announces as we park down the street because the parking lot is already overflowing.
It's a beautiful, bright summer day, and the place is buzzing with energy. We make our way to the football field where the ceremony is being held, and despite myself, my eyes wander, searching for Liam. A few minutes later, Jayden and Red show up. They greet Steff and Jeremy and hesitantly walk up to me.
"Jess," Jayden says with a pained smile. "You look beautiful."
"Thanks, so do you. Both of you." I glance over at Red, who flashes me a timid smile.
"I'm so sorry about what happened, Jess. We both are. We let you down." Jayden says.
"How did you find out?" I ask.
"From Ellyn. She heard it from Emily, who was there with them that night. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend." He says.
"No. You tried to warn me." I remind him. "I mean, you didn't exactly come out and say it, but you warned me."
"I just wish you didn't have to find out that way."
I nod.
"Me too."
"Please, forgive us. We feel awful. If not now, then eventually?" Red says, her eyes pleading with me.
I saw her shock and the tears streaming down her face that night. And I listened to every single one of her voicemails. I know they didn't mean to hurt me. But they did. Even if I can't say I forgive them now, I know I will eventually.
"Deal." I smile at her.
My father calls from Chicago and says congratulations. For once, we don't argue. He says he wishes he could have been here but that he is proud of me, and I tell him thanks. He was initially against my move to France, and we argued again for about an hour over the phone about how there is no real carrier in photography. Then mom gave him a call, and I don't know what she said to him, but he hasn't said anything negative to me after that.
We take a seat as Mr. Carter gives an opening speech, and I glance around once again.
"He isn't coming," Steff says, looking at me cautiously.
"What?" My head snaps around. "What do you mean?"
She sighs.
"He decided not to walk, Jess. Ellyn told me earlier."
I suck in a sharp breath. I hate the disappointment and pain that suddenly floods me. Why would he miss out on graduation after all the hard work we put into school? I hate that he did this. This is a time we could look all back on as a fond memory. Even if things have changed, we could have had today.
I feel my hands shaking, and a moment later, Steff's hand covers mine. I take deep breaths trying to swallow the tears that are threatening to burst forth. I have always imagined graduating with Liam, moving forward together. The fact that life has made a complete 180° makes my heart bleed.
After several speeches from guest speakers and our teachers, Jeremy walks on stage to give his valedictorian speech and leaves everyone in tears with his moving yet uplifting speech. And we are all in tears as we stand up and clap for him.
After we take our diplomas, we get pictures with several people. I catch Brittany's eyes in the crowd, and she waves at me. I wave back with a small smile. Shannon and the girls that were there that night avoid my sight, and I do the same.
The field is full of laughter and chatter as students beam and hug each other everywhere. Parents are eagerly taking pictures and congratulating their kids.
Mom and Eric join Steff's mom and Jeremy's parents, and we decide to walk around school one last time before saying goodbye to this place. I feel a sudden urge to call Liam and ask why he missed graduation. Ask if he is okay. But I decided to break up with him, so it wouldn't be fair to send mixed signals. As much as it hurts, his decisions are not my concern anymore.
We walk through the decorated halls and across buildings to get to our spot behind the English building and sit under the tall trees.
"Sad Ryan missed this," Steff says. "At the same time, I'm glad he is getting the help he needs."
She had confided in me a while back that she sometimes gets the urge to pop pills but swore that she would never do that again. Ryan had been using for years. And for someone who has struggled with an addiction that long, I am sure it is hard to quit without proper help.
"His dad is an asshole. But he did the right thing having him admitted." I say. "I wish Liam was here."
They both look at me sympathetically.
Steff clears her throat.
"I can't believe I'm going to say this. But I'm going to miss this place and seeing you guys every day. It's going to be so weird to not be here anymore." She says.
"I'm going to miss so much," I say with a sigh.
"We're going to miss having you around," Jeremy tells me.
"Yeah, well. You two are going to be roomies, so I'm not worried about you missing me too much."
I look pointedly at them, and Jeremy grins at me. We sit there for a while talking and reminiscing, then we get up and say goodbye to High School.
We have lunch together at an Italian restaurant in town with our parents, and Steff asks if I'm going to Jayden's graduation party. His aunt and grandma are throwing him a massive party, but I decide to skip it and pack instead. Mom and Eric shower me with graduation presents as soon as I get home, and I can't help but be happy that mom found someone great. He is perfect for her, and I know that she'll be in good hands while I am away.
***
I grab the last suitcase, and Jermey helps me load it into the car.
"You ready?" Mom calls from the driver's seat.
I turn around and glance at the house. I am going to miss my family and friends so much.
"Bring us lots of chocolate and mimes," Zach says.
I chuckle, giving him another hug. I think I have hugged my brothers about a thousand times.
"I'll see what I can do about the chocolate. But I don't know about the mime."
"Bring me Effiel tower key chains," Becky says. "Oh, and macaroons!"
"Easy." I grin down at her.
"Why do you have to go?" Dean asks, sulking.
I sigh.
"I'm going to school. You know that. Come on now, give me a hug."
He gloomily walks over and gives me a half-hearted hug.
"Have a safe flight." Anna smiles at me kindly.
"Thank you,"
I groan and pull my brothers into another hug before getting into the car. I hate goodbyes. I watch as my neighborhood fades out of the frame in the rearview mirror and feel a deep sense of loss. I haven't spoken to Liam since that day and I don't think I will for a long time.
My chest constricts at the thought of him. We drive most of the way in silence, and when we near the airport, mom starts laying out rules which consist of not drinking till I turn 21 despite the legal drinking age in France being 18.
We all make a big commotion at the airport, hugging and then hugging again. Steff makes me promise to call or text her every single day until we see each other again.
***
After checking in, I sit inside the terminal, watching the rain pour down through the massive window over looking the runway. And it gives me a sense of peace. Everything slowly dies and then slowly comes to life again. Seasons change. Life goes on, even when it hurts. Time doesn't care about your sorrow. It only cares about moving forward. It's up to you whether you choose to move with it or not. The impermanence of everything equally saddens and gives me hope. I don't know if this pain will ever go away, but someday it'll just be a dull ache. Because the bad news is: nothing lasts forever. The good news is: nothing lasts forever.
The End.
For now!
Hey, friends. Please don't yell at me! I know we all love happy endings and in a way, this is one too. Sometimes a happy ending is walking away from something toxic and wanting better for yourself. Heartbreak is awful, but it is never as awful as losing yourself. With that being said, remember how I said there is good news and bad news. Well, the bad news is Liam and Jess will be heading their separate ways. The good news is there is a Sequel. Yes, you heard that right. This isn't where it ends. I will update a new chapter tomorrow on the sequel for more information, so please stay tuned.
NOW, I just want to say I can't believe I actually finished a book. I know it isn't a big deal for writers who publish finished works left and right, and I admire them so much. But I, for one, have struggled a lot with different circumstances that prevented me from writing and I have picked up and put down this book several times. I would be sitting here crying if I didn't know I would be writing a sequel. Because it's hard to say goodbye to characters I love so much. I honestly feel like I have grown up with this story. It literally took me years to complete. At one point, I stopped writing it for three years straight! So I am so happy that we are here years later finally at the end, kind of.
If you have stuck till the very end THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for the votes and comments. Thank you for the encouraging messages. Thank you for adding my story to your reading lists. Thank you to those who support each chapter but didn't get a dedication. I wish I could dedicate a chapter to each and every single one of you but then the book would be a million years long, it's already longer than I ever planned for it to be. Thank you to my silent readers. I appreciate all of you so so much. If you enjoyed this story and want others to discover it, please recommend it to people you think would enjoy it and support it by going back and voting on just two or three chapters when you have time. It will help with the algorithm and help people find the story. If you want to quote me or share your favorite moment please tag me, my IG is in my bio and I will save it to my collection highlight.
If you have read this far, comment down a crown to let me know. Because you're all kings and queens!
Till next time,
Becca