Vee Vivis
"Ugh! F*ck! F*ck!" The frustration I felt at the moment was so strong that I continue on hitting the stone wall just outside of Masa's door, until the bones and cartilage in my knuckles complained in agony. I went outside of the younger person's condo unit as soon as he stepped out of his balcony leaving me aching and deprived on the top of his bed.
I don't know what came into his mind that he made that twisted game of his. At first I thought he wasn't that serious so I went along with whatever he wanted. I admit I find it kinky and perverse at first, but get excited and aroused at the same time when I was pulled in the mood by the constant provoking the kid was doing.
But I didn't know he was dead serious about that ridiculous rules he put up. How am I supposed to stop myself from calling out his name after he gave me so much pleasure with his mouth that I thought I'm gonna die.
Ugh. What's wrong with that kid! He was so into the mood with me earlier. Why did he suddenly do that? Does he know it's dangerous to leave a man in the middle of his raging desire? Sexual inadequacy could drive a sane man to madness. Anger and shame made me walked out of that room without even finishing myself. Damn it!
I was in a totally bad mood as I drive myself back at my place. Many times I have honk unnecessarily to the vehicles infront of me. One driver even gave me a rude hand gesture when I over take his car after honking from behind impatiently. I don't give a f*ck. I'm too mad to care about anyone right now.
I threw my backpack away as soon as I get into my room and immediately undress myself before I entered the bathroom. I let the cold water from the shower help me cure my raging desire. The coolness of the water calm me down a little as I closed my eyes and think of that damn kid. I don't know what I may have done to him if I don't love him this much.
I was already lying on my bed when my phone started ringing. Bringing it closer to my face, I saw it was the damn kid who was calling. I can't believe this guy's guts. I pressed the answer button anyway. There was only silence from the other line.
"Bastard! Are you still playing that stupid game of yours?" I made sure I emphasized my disdain to every word I said.
[P Vee...] His voice cracked and caught in his throat like he have been crying.
"What?"
"I..Well uhmm...Did you get home safe?" He stuttered softly.
"No! I'm on the morgue right now. Did you forget you killed me?" Actually, I have already forgiven him upon hearing his voice. But I wanted to tease him more to observe what he's gonna do.
"P Vee. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He said in a shaky tone. I wonder what face he is making right now.
"What do you plan to do about this?" I asked him keeping my tone as dark as possible.
"P. I...Do you want me to come to you right now?" It was a tempting offer but I looked at the time and see it was almost midnight already. I don't want him to drive this late.
"Can you open your camera right now?"
"Uhmm.. ok." I moved away my phone from my ears to see the screen. For a moment there was only darkness but then the younger child's face appeared suddenly. His hair in disarray while his eyes showed evident of crying as they were swollen and a little red. His swollen pink lips pursed tightly. He blinked to the screen and gave a force small smile when he saw me. Why do I think he's so adorable even after doing that unacceptable thing to me?
"Were you crying?" Masa rubbed his eyes with his hands when I said that. How can I remain angry when he's this cute and adorable?
"I did not." He denied. The side of his mouth twitching from his lie. It was so hard not to smile at this point.
"You were mean to me did you know that? Did you ever think about my feelings when you did that?" Masa averted his eyes and look like he's about to cry again.
"I'm sorry P Vee." He apologized once again. I could have hug him already if he's here with me.
"Hmmm. Then stay with me forever." I mumbled when my eyes started to get heavy.
"What P?"
"Stay with me. Don't go anywhere." I've been looking at his face sheepishly. I will never get tired of watching him.
"P. Are you sleeping already?"
"Hmm. Tired. Too worn out." I responded with my eyes half close. The exhaustion from all that happened that day have gotten into my system.
"P Vee." His voice was so sleep inducing.
"Hmmm.."
"Rak na P."
"Hmmm." I was too sleepy to process and respond but I think I heard him say he loves me. Yes, he said he loves me. This is the first time he said that. It was a good feeling.
Masa Masahiro
It is Saturday and as much as I wanted to laze on my bed the whole day because I wasn't able to sleep real well last night, I was forced to wake up at 9am. P Axel and I will be meeting up at 10.
I watched on P Vee's sleeping face on my phone until my eyes closes itself. I don't know what time I fell asleep, but I'm guessing it was between 3 to 4am in the morning. When I wake up, my phone's battery was already drained.
I called on P Vee last night because my guilt made me restless and my heart was constantly aching for doing such thing that hurt the person that it loves. I was also worried that he might get in trouble or an accident perhaps because he was surely suffering gravely when he left my room with his raging desire unsated.
I already accepted that he would get mad at me. What I did to him was unforgivable. If it was me on his shoes, I would surely raged in madness. What I was not expecting was for P Vee to forgive me that easily. He doesn't really say out straight that he forgives me but then I saw him smile at me before he dozed off to sleep. That person was really something. How can I not fall for him again and again?
Now is the day I would finally be telling some soul here in Thailand about the truth between niisama and me. I am mentally and emotionally unprepared but I will do it. I have to do it. I just prayed that P Axel would be able to understand.
I was about to leave my room when my phone, Mark's phone started ringing again. This time it wasn't Saya calling. It's my bestfriend, Kana.
[Mark! Sh*t head you're alive!"] Kana's swearing in Japanese immediately greeted me upon answering it.
"What do you want?" I asked him immediately as I walked to the lift. Kana and I had known each other since I first stepped on Japan. He was one of those few I considered my true friend from my early days in that new place. He thought me stuffs and introduced me to their culture until I get so familiar with it. We also went to the same school since elementary to high school. We were literally inseparable as he also took Medicine with me and also trained as a J-Pop Idol with me and Saya.
He was also one of those 2 male friends I mentioned earlier that confessed his feelings for me when we were in middle school.
[I missed you too Mark. So much that I'm flying over to Thailand to come pick you up.] He answered me sounding so amused.
"What the hell are you talking about Kana? Stop spouting nonsense and get to the point. Why are you calling?" This is not the time to play with him so I made my tone annoyed to make him stop messing around.
[Go back to Japan now, Mark no baka! You have been gone for too long already. Saya kept on pestering me to take you back. I'm lonely studying college without you Mark Chan. So I'm fetching you and I will take you home with me no matter what.]He said it like Japan was only an hour drive to Thailand.
"You're saying it as if it's too easy. Did I not tell you everything why I am doing this? We talked about that before I went here. My mom is not getting any better. I can't go back yet." I pressed on the 1st floor button when I was inside the lift. I checked my watch and it was already 9:30. I only have 30 minutes or less to drive to where P Axel had said we'd meet.
[Is it really just about your mom? Saya told me something interesting. Is it true Mark? You are dating your brother's boyfriend?]Kana's voice became more serious. This guy had been telling me he likes me since middle school and he is willing to stay around and wait for my feelings to change. Even if me and Saya dated, he doesn't really gave up just like that. I was glad that Saya just laughed it all out and treated Kana just the same.
"No. You got it all wrong Kan. The whole relationship was just a part of me pretending to be my brother. That's all." It was not entirely a lie. Was I too defensive though?
[Good. I would not accept it if it's true though. You were so damn blunt with your perpetual rejection to me insisting you only like girls. And I would hear something like this? It's unacceptable Mark!] What he said was true. I was so upright with my principle of not dating guys before. But it was all changed when I met P Vee.
"Aho! How's that even possible? You have to kill me first before I date some man." I covered the lie with my arrogant sounding voice.
[Ok. But I have to see it for myself. Come pick me up at the airport after 6 hours. Ja ne Mark Chan!] He said then finally hang up on me. The lift opened on the first floor but I wasn't able to move from where I was standing. Was he serious when he said he's coming to Thailand?
P Axel was already sitting inside the cafè when I arrived. He was smiling as he waved at me when he saw me entering the door. I smiled back timidly and hurriedly walked towards him.
"Hello Nong Mark. Go on and sit. I'll call the waiter to get your order." He said to me before waving his hand to the waiter.
"I'd like some iced machiatto, thanks." I gave my order to the waitress and smiled at P Axel when I was done.
"You did not order any food nong. Is coffee enough? You had your breakfast already?" P Axel looked down to the menu and tried to read more dishes to order.
"The coffee was enough P. I had eaten breakfast already." How can I eat anything solid? My stomach won't be able to take any food in with all the stress I am undergoing right now.
"If you say so." He closed the menu and smiled at me.
"P. Why did you call me out here?" I still asked despite knowing the reason all along.
"Because I wanted to know why a guy like you whom I known to be all good is doing something terrible to my little brother now. Why Mark? Why are you making him believe you are Nong Masa? And where is your brother right now? How come you are here instead of him?" P Axel immediately started throwing questions to me without hesitations. He was still amiling a little but his eyes were observing my wvery reaction. I won't be able to lie as I look into those eyes.
I inhaled and exhaled deeply before I started to tell my story to P Axel. I began with the day my parents got divorced and me and niisama got separated. I told him how our life has changed and how we lived differently from each other. I told him how niisama and me decided our future and took up medicine in order to help treat our sick mother. I told him about Saya and how we broke up on the night niisama visited me in Sapporo. He gasped loudly and almost dropped his fork when I got to the part where I revealed niisama's death. Then his eyes widened when I told him how I broke up with his brother as Masa only to fall in love with him as Mark after a few weeks of getting to know him more.
"Mark, you...Oh my God." He put his hands on his head like he was having a headache from all the information I just told him.
"But P, I am honestly in love with P Vee right now. This is the only part that isn't a lie. And I am falling in love with him more and more everyday." I was trying to hold back the tears. I didn't imagine this could get emotional when I started telling the truth to someone apart from the people I know back in Japan.
"But Mark, you are deceiving him. How can you deceive someone that you love? What do you think would he do if he knows all this?"
"I know he would hate me for this P. I know that all along. I also know that it was Masa oniisama that he loves, not me. And it is hurting so much P. I am hurting everytime he called on niisama's name while looking at my eyes. It hurts so much when he said he loves me but I know he's thinking of Masa oniisama and not me, Mark." I clenched on my chest just above my heart and tried to control the pain. It is hurting right now as I think of that person.
"Nong Mark." The older infront of me called my real name in a sad tone. But I like it anyway. I missed someone calling me by my real name. I just wished it was P Vee who did.
"I love him so much P. At first I thought I would be able to take everything just to stay by his side. I was willing to pretend to be my brother as long as I can experience being love by P Vee. But then as my feelings grew more, I realized I became more selfish. I wanted him to stop calling me by my niisama's name. I wanted it so badly and selfishly until I hurt P Vee in the process. And I hated myself for it. I hated myself so much." I covered my face with my two hands feeling shameful of what I had done to P Vee last night. I'm aftaid I'd do worst than that in the future when I'd get blinded by my selfish desire.
"Then tell me what is your next move nong? Are you planning on continuing this until your mother dies? Then after that what's your plan? Are you just gonna go back in Japan and leave my brother wondering why you suddenly left him?" The burden in P Axel's succeeding questions I felt instantly. The truth is I don't know what to do next. I am totally lost right now.
"P, just give me a few more days P, please? I know i should end this relationship with your brother soon. I'm just trying to figure out how. Just give me more time P. I beg you. Let me stay at your brother's side a bit longer." I begged him grabbing both of his hands and squeezed mine on them. I wanted to tell him how important every minute I spend with his brother. Because at anytime, it could be the last.
"Is telling him the whole truth not in your option, Mark?" He stared at me straight in the eyes, judging my every move.
"Yes P. I will just look for a chance to tell him everything. Just let me think about it first. I know that when he learns everything, that would be the end for me. He will surely hate me after that. No, he will loathe me." Would P Vee feel disgust upon knowing he kissed and slept with me instead of the person he truly loves? Would he say that to my face? I think I will die if I hear that from his mouth. But do I not deserve all of that? I think I deserved to be hated and be thrown away. P Vee will never love a liar and an imposter like me.
"Mark they say this about lying, that if you tell the truth today, it becomes a part of your past. But if you continue lying, it becomes a part of your future. The more you cover the truth with your lies, the more it gets narrower for you to get out. The more you add more lies, the more people that you hurt. It would never end until you decide to tell the truth. But what if telling the truth would be too late? Will you be able to get away with the consequences it would bring?"
I just listened to P Axel with my head bowed low. I know and understand what he was saying. But it's never that easy. I know it's all too late now. It's no difference telling P Vee the truth today or waiting for months to do so. He will still hate me anyway.
I have already accepted that this love of mine for P Vee is pretty fruitless. There's no hope of a future of any kind. No relationship would bloom out of a lie. It will all come out tragically in the end. I dreaded that end, but I cannot stop it. My lies are like my morphines. It gives instant relief but would bring adverse reactions and even death if I get too dependent with it everyday.
"I will tell him everything soon P. And when all that happens, I will break up with him. I promise." If these are lies once again, I don't know how messed up my life will be after this.
🎹🎹🎹
*please understand Mark everyone. He's too confused. It's the different emotions that he felt inside him making him unsure with everything that he does. 😞
*Kana 😁🤭🤫