FINLEY
I stared at the container of pills having already swallowed my normal dosage but decided to increase it slightly today. An immediate overwhelming, head rushing state of serenity draped over me like a thick blanket, followed by a slow, steady and relaxing calm like I was riding a wave with no exact destination.
All I needed was little boost to get enough the school day today, and hopefully I could make it through my first class of the day without feeling the need to jump out of my skin.
"Bambi!" Gruffly deep voice yelled out. Brynn. "Get down here. Aubrey said you need to eat breakfast before school!" I blinked slowly, my brain attempting to catch up with the movement of my feet and though I was alert, it felt like with every step I took, I was getting shifted backwards. I could hear loud voices in harmony as I descended down the stairs but my brain wouldn't allow me to make translate their words into meanings.
"Good morning, Champ." Bellamy greeted handing me a bowl of oatmeal. I mumbled a soft good morning in response to his greeting, placing the bowl on the counter before grabbing my cold brewed coffee from Brynn.
"Everything okay, Bambi? You look a little out of it today." Brynn turned me around toward him and took my head in his soft, graceful hands forcing my eyes to meet his. His watchful gaze looked me up and down, coming up with a diagnosis for what was happening to me.
I shook my head slowly trying to reassure him. "I'm fine, a little sleep deprived but... but I'll be fine."
"Hm, you look fine but if you feel any different, let me know and I'll come and get you, okay?" I wanted — I needed to open my mouth to respond to his statement but all I could do was nod, shutting my eyes tight and clinging to Brynn, my fingers bunching up the fabric of his black leather jacket. "Hey... on second thought, maybe you shouldn't go to school today,"
"No, no. I'm fine, seriously." I took in a slow, deep breath and released it nodding so Brynn could be reassured from his worries. I couldn't miss any more classes than I had already missed this past week, Mama would be furious.
"Just stay home, kid." Darcy grunted swallowing a forkful of berries. He had a nonchalant stare as his anxious gaze flickered over me, concealing any worry he ever presented.
I sighed slowly desperately wishing they could— would understand the situation. "No, Darc. I really can't miss any more days."
"Okay. Okay, boys. Finnie, I want a text from you every hour telling me how you feel, and if you don't respond then I'm coming to get you. Deal?" Bellamy asked in his no-no-that's-final tone he used whenever he needed me to listen.
"Mama—"
Bellamy softly interrupted me. "-Blake will understand, all right? Missing another day is not a big deal. I wouldn't want you passed out on the side of the road somewhere."
Reluctantly I nodded then grabbed my iced coffee from Brynn, giving him a slight scowl in response to our previous conversation.
Without giving my brothers another opportunity to chastise me about walking to school alone or trick me into staying home against my wishes, I quickly slipped into my dark converse shoes and adjusted the buttons of the white long sleeve buttoned sweater I garnered the courage to wear this specific morning.
"Bambi!"
"That sneaky little kid!"
I greeted my brothers a loud goodbye waving my hands back and forth before I bolted out the doors, filled with anticipation to be released from their overbearing and protective Alpha male personalities.
As I walked down the bustling New York streets, I played with the buttons of my jeans in unison with the feeling of numbness that spread across my nimble fingers, my vision disfigured blurring into colors and spots as if I was looking through a tinted fish eye lens.
Everyone's shouts of paranoia and annoyance sounded distant and far off and the world around me started to blur as I stared at the scene that unfolded in front of me but I couldn't make any sense of it. The feeling of being underwater, stuck in stasis with no effort to pull my myself out of this horrible nightmare snuggled me like a child who had just been lured to sleep and suffocated my body's instinct of flight or fight.
I could hear the blood in my ear quieting, my breathing became unusually calmed, my body stilling as my feet unknowingly led me to a bench. My nimble fingers dung into the wood of the bench trying to wade off the foreign feeling of invasion that overwhelmed my senses and froze me to the very spot.
It felt as I couldn't move, my whole body stuck in a fine line between fight or flight, wide eyes fixated on one direct spot as unexpected lone tear slipped down my cheek and tainted my freckled cheeks.
I wasn't a foreigner to the feeling of having a panic attack but this was no panic attack. If anything I felt more displaced yet blissfully numb than I had ever felt in my life; There was no feeling of pain or anger, everything I had struggled to bottle up remained secure and locked inside me. And I liked that feeling despite how temporary it would remain.
"Topolina," Rich and sensual deep voice spoke, the softest of sounds effectively managed to draw me attention from the battle between my mind and body. Octavius. What is he doing here? I could hear the slow clicks of his expensive deliciously sinful Italian shoes as they settled a few feet away from me, but I didn't dare look up.
I didn't want him to see how much my hands were shaking in response to the sound of his voice or how pale my face undoubtedly was or the tears that were filling my eyes because that was what happened when I was having a stupid, unexplainable feeling. I cried. Every time.
He bent down slightly on par with my height, cradling my chin between his large, massive palms and tilted my head sideways before I met his gaze. The look of tranquility that had once rested on his features transformed into a look of urgency filled with shallowness. "Are you fuckin' high?" His dark deep voice demanded from me, long slender fingers pried my eyes wide open examining my pupils. "Merda. What did you take?"
Before I could even begin to translate his disoriented words into actual meaning, Octavius pulled me upright from the bench; Large, warm hands gripped my hips gently and patted it demanding my consent before I silently nodded and unexpectedly I was hefted against his tall, masculine body.
Instinctively, my legs encircled his waist, parentheses around his lean hips. I let my arms fall against his strong neck, slowly lowering my head and snuck my face into the crook of his neck. His touch felt like being shocked by a thousand lightning bolts forcing my heart to pound faster than ever, responsive to his little touches.
"Dovrei portarla io?" A deep, confident male voice asked out of ear shot. It wasn't a voice I recognized which made me perplexed but regardless I couldn't bring myself to even lift my head and check. My body felt completely limp and empty like I was floating in a never ending wave of numbness that would never end. Temporary. Whoever said ignorance was bliss was disastrously correct.
(Should I take her?)
"No. Non toccarla. Drive."
(Don't touch her)
Though my eyes were wide open I couldn't think of why my heart was pounding, and my mind remained active but my mouth was frozen in a state of stasis where I could think about the words I wanted to convey but I couldn't form coherent sentences. It was as if a hypodermic of adrenaline had been emptied into my carotid. I stared into the gorgeous depth of his eyes, my empty gaze reflecting back and I stared into the utter darkness of my eyes, my breathing rate beginning to accelerate.
"Devo sapere cosa sta succedendo,"
(I need to know what's going on)
"Well... given that her pupils are dilated and she doesn't seem too responsive but I'm not too sure yet. May I step inside to take a closer look... sir?" The low, baritone voice responded albeit I could sense utter nervousness behind his tone.
Loud, deep voice boomed inside the room and vibrated bouncing off the walls like strung musical notes. "You will not speak to her or even attempt to touch her. If you as so much look in her direction... Non credo di dover continuare,"
(I don't think I have to go on)
"Yes, sir."
Several pair of sparkling eyes prodded into mine, a certain pair of darkened blue eyes flashed a warning, his troubled gaze came back to my face pacing from my emotionless empty eyes filled with restless pit of darkness to my lips, desperately searching for the delight that had once accompanied my big honey brown eyes.
No. It's him. Not again. He's coming. He's coming for me.
Without warning, it felt like the world would collapse on me, it made me feel like ripping myself apart, tugging on my curls, hurting myself in any possible way to get rid of the foreign feeling of insecurity. No. No air. No help. My lungs cried and my body shook as my fingers pulled at my dark, messy curls with nimble fingers.
"Baby, sh. Breathe." His low, masculine voice cooed into my ear, warm calloused fingers swept my curls aside. "Baby, look at me." I opened my blurry eyes filled with hot, unashamed tears and saw his dark amber eyes trying to conceal the concern that still showed. He took a slow, deep breath and released it nodding. "Respirare. Breathe with me."
(a/n: not him calling her baby...simp. sorry sorry, go ahead. no more interrupting)
I nodded and slowly attempted to breathe in and out like he did. As my gaze flickered through the room, looking around as if I was looking for someone to help me, a pair of glowing blue eyes melted into mine, setting off the fire that had once been extinguished. "No, no, no. N-no! I can't... I can't! He's coming. He's coming for me. I-I don't.. don't want to go! Please don't make me go!"
My fingers became clammy and my eyes filled with tears. I could feel my heartbeat sped up, taking flight, only for my chest to weigh down and fall, into the ocean of despair. It felt as if I was stuck where I couldn't attempt to inhale deeply, couldn't will my body to perform the simple action of moving, couldn't pull myself to get oxygen that my brain and lungs needed.
I couldn't do anything.
"Vattene, cazzo." Octavius' low voice whispered calmly yet with strong authority. Darkened eyes turned back to me, flashing with the uttermost concern and fear, his gorgeous face transforming into a frantic and panicked expression. "He's gone, Baby. You're alright. Breathe. I'm here. Only me."
(Get the fuck out)
Breathe. That's what Evelyn always told me. Just breathe. My entire body started to shake uncontrollably and my legs buckled and finally gave out as I sank to the ground, the world spinning and roaring in my ears making everything seem like a horrible nightmare. I tried to slow my breathing and calm my heart but my mind and heart were racing each other, my mind winning, and I couldn't focus on anything. How was I supposed to breathe?
I vaguely heard a voice coming from somewhere behind me but then it was gone, the roaring in my ears now overwhelmingly loud. Every sound echoed loudly, my head hurt worse than a migraine, the air was dense around me but it felt like I was flying, not touching anything but myself.
Three steps forward, two steps back.
It felt as if I was straddling a timeline where the past was pulling me in one direction and the present another. Flashes of images and noises burst through, fear comes out of nowhere. My heart pounded with utter fear, my breathing started taking on another form of its own, dissociating from my racing heart, loud and crippled with anxiety and I no longer knew where I was.
Hushed voices gathered together, singing in harmony.
I writhed in pure anguish, a soft desperate cry escaped my lips, tethering me to the terror that currently resided inside my mind barred against invasion or escape. The mind was yet a powerful but fragile thing. A sealed fortress with no exit in sight.
Even a loving God wouldn't send souls to my kind of hell.
The place of eternal torture, the same bright blue eyes that haunted mine, in complete opposite my big, pathetic brown ones.
The same one I inherited from him.
Instead of silence, there were cries, my soft cries pleading and begging for serenity. It was futile. I knew that but I couldn't help it, like an impending obsession. Instead of eternal fire, there were memories - specifically mine. Memories of that night. The very night I lost what little soul that ever belonged to me.
The night I knocked on the elegant doors of hell.
"Please... please no!" A voice sobbed out, sweat glistening from my forehead, threatening to drip down my pale cheeks, drained of what little blood it held. I could feel my body went totally limp, slumping against the covers that had been wrapped around me. A half second later, a scream rang. It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curling shriek laced with agony. My body twitched, arched towards the mattress. "No! I-I, no, no!"
"Finley? Hey." Immediately, warm calloused fingers drew strands of my dark curls past my face, skillfully bunching my wild, tangled hair into a sophisticated loose bun. "Something is wrong. She's not here, Fabiano. She's frantic and scared. What the fuck is going on?"
A snap flashed past my eyes but I paid it no mind. "She may be having some sort of a flashback." Another voice spoke in response. "Careful. Try not to touch her. She may get frightened or perceive it as a part of the experience. Try to guide her out of the experience."
"Finley. Finley, you're okay. You're here with me," A voice spoke warmly yet with a firm tone. "It's all over. You've already survived this."
"I won't! No, please, n-no," The same voice shrieked out like a banshee. Not just any voice — my voice. I was having another one of those terrorized nightmares, in which I played the main character - the obsession of the terrors. In this twisted version of today's nightmare, it was those dark deep eyes, so unlike mine.
They seemed distant yet familiar, but I found no comfort in them.
They were his.
Deceptive and murderous.