~
"I want to go back
To a time before it was
Too late."
~
"So, how was your week?" Dr. Moore asks me the following Saturday.
After Monday's fight, our parents were called and detentions were given to Bridgett and I. Mom and dad weren't really that mad at me, maybe just a bit concerned.
"Just dandy." I sarcastically say.
"How so? Your mother mentioned you were involved in another fight." Dr. Moore says, raising an eyebrow.
Of course she did.
"It doesn't matter anymore. I'm over it." I say crossing my arms, pushing down the way I really feel. I don't want a reminder of what happened.
"You're clearly not." Dr. Moore says calmly, putting down the pen he was holding. "Emma, I just want you to talk to me, I'm here to help you." He continues softly.
I wish he would stop saying that.
I'm not worth it.
There's silence for a minute before I start to speak.
"I was just so angry." I say, glaring at the floor.
"At what?" He asks.
"Alex..." I trail off. "He uh...he turned out to be Mason's cousin."
I see Dr. Moore's eyes widened slightly. "What?"
I sigh before retelling the story about what happened with Alex and Mason, and the fight and when I finish, I feel my anger build up again.
"And when the entire fight was over, how did you feel?" Dr. Moore asks me and I feel my heart sink.
Like him.
"It doesn't matter." I mumble.
"I think it matters a lot Emma." He counters.
I look out the window, and I feel the anger kind of fall away, a different emotion replacing it.
"I felt like...like Mason. The same way I did the last time I fought Bridgett. It felt like I was having an outer body experience. I wasn't myself and I haven't been for a while." I take a deep breath and he nods at me to continue, not saying anything.
"I think...deep down I was somehow depending on Alex to fix me. That if I let him in and opened up to him, he would take all of the pieces that Mason shattered, and put them back together again. But instead, he just broke what was already broken." I say, emotion suddenly taking over my voice.
"Why do you believe that you're broken?" Dr. Moore asks softly.
"Because ever since that night, I haven't been the same." I say, taking a deep breath. I haven't fully talked about the way he made me feel ever.
"How so?" Dr. Moore asks, writing something down.
"It's hard to explain. When he started to...to-" I stop, my heart beginning to race as I'm trying to get that word out.
"It's okay Emma. Take your time." I nod, and take a deep breath.
"--to r...rape me." I start again, tears springing to my eyes as I say the word. "When he started, I felt so helpless in the situation. I couldn't...I couldn't make him stop..." A sob cuts me off, so I take a moment to breathe again before continuing.
"He made me feel so useless and so worthless. Like it was my fault..." I say, trailing off as the tears take over.
"Then, when I woke up in the hospital, so broken and bruised, it felt like everything was taken from me."
"As in?" He asks patiently.
"I woke up feeling so ashamed; to the point where I couldn't even tell my family what happened to me right away. I was suddenly this haunted person. Mason took my innocence away, in so many ways...he took the one thing that should have been mine to keep as long as I wanted. He took it so viciously and with no permission...and I'll never get that back.
"And I thought to myself, if I ever fall in love again, he'll see me in a different way once he finds out all that Mason took from me. He'll think that I couldn't possibly be worth anything, and he would be right."
"Emma, you are not worthless. What Mason did to you is on him, not you. He doesn't get to define you." Dr. Moore says, and I just continue to stare at the floor as tears fall.
"Alex knew about what happened to you, correct?" Dr. Moore asks me after a few minutes.
"Unfortunately." I mumble.
How could I have been so stupid?
"And did he tell you that you weren't worth anything?"
"Dr. Moore, he probably didn't mean anything that he said to me. He was working with the one who made me this way." I snap.
He raises his hands in surrender and there's a pause before he begins to speak again. "Let's go back to the anger that you feel. When you got into the fight with Bridgett, you mentioned that the anger was really directed at Mason. Was that how you felt this past week?"
"Yes!" I say throwing up my hands frustratedly. "It always is! Mason is seemingly everywhere in my life, I'm never able to escape him! The guy I had come to like and trust, of course turned out to be related to Mason! Why!?" I feel my voice crack again as the next words come out of my mouth.
"Why did he choose me Dr. Moore? Why? What did I ever do to him? To both of them?" I cry out.
"Emma, you have to know that you didn't do anything wrong."
I look up at him through my tears.
"Mason saw the good in you and decided to take advantage of that. He chose to do that on his own. It's not your fault."
"What about Alex?" I manage to choke out.
"From what you told me it would seem that Alex, although working for Mason, developed real feelings for you along the way. Now this is up to you, but I suggest you sit down with him and talk, without any interruptions."
"I don't know Dr. Moore...I don't see the point in potentially getting hurt again.
"And that's your choice."
I look over at the clock and see that there's still twenty minutes left, causing me to sigh.
"Just think about it, okay? I'll let you go early today since we made a lot of progress. Have a good Thanksgiving."
"Thanks. I'll try to, happy Thanksgiving."
'~'
"I'm home!" I yell as I walk into the house, stopping at the mirror in the foyer to see if I'm looking any better.
After my therapy session today, I continued to have my breakdown in my car. My eyes are still puffy and I have a massive headache, but I think I'll be able to shrug off the questions.
"In here dear!" I hear my mom yell back, and I walk to the kitchen, seeing my two older brothers sitting at the island.
"Oh my gosh! What are y'all doing here?!" I ask, running over to Jordan first and then to Trevor to hug them. They weren't supposed to be here until Wednesday.
"We figured you missed us too much so we decided to come early." Jordan says, smiling at me.
Jordan is my oldest brother, at twenty-four, and we surprisingly have different features. He has blonde hair along with green eyes, and is tall, towering over me.
"Yeah right. Why are you really here?" I ask, taking a seat on a chair next to Jordan.
"Katelyn and I just wanted to spend more time with y'all." Trevor says.
Trevor is the second oldest, at twenty-three. He has the same color hair as Jordan but with blue eyes and also towers over me with his height.
"And Arianna and I wanted to spend more than just three days with y'all and her family." Jordan says.
"Nice. So where are y'all's family?" I ask them, getting up to get a drink.
"We are staying in a hotel." Trevor says, his voice hard. Probably because of Katelyn's parents.
"We're staying with Arianna's parents. They wouldn't stop complaining about how we always stay here and never with them when we finally come home." Jordan says.
"Sounds about right." I say, laughing a little.
"You okay little sis?" Jordan asks, looking over my face.
"Uh yeah, just a rough therapy session." I mutter, trying to ignore the thoughts coming back.
They don't say anything, but Jordan squeezes my shoulder before changing the subject. We continue talking for a little while longer before Caleb comes barging in and tackling Jordan.
Jordan and Caleb have always been the closest with each other. I always thought it was funny that the oldest and the youngest were as close as those two are.
"Nice to see you too bro." Jordan says, laughing.
"Dude I've missed you so much. I've been stuck with the twins for too long." Caleb says, fist bumping Trevor, making Jordan and Trevor laugh while I roll my eyes.
"I've missed you too." Trevor says.
"We'll see you later sis." Jordan says before the three of them get up to go do whatever it is guys do.
'~'
As I'm watching tv with my dad, Trevor, and Jake a little while later, the doorbell rings...multiple times.
"I got it." Trevor says, laughing as the doorbell doesn't stop ringing.
As soon as I hear the door open, I hear a small girl's voice loudly yell "daddy" and a smile fills my face.
I get up, along with Jake, and we go into the foyer to greet Trevor's family. The first thing I see is Kinsley, his oldest daughter, already in his arms. Kinsley is five years old, and she got her dad's looks.
Trevor and Katelyn, Trevor's wife, were high school sweethearts, and they had Kinsley when they were seniors. My parents were furious with Trevor over the pregnancy and there was tension between Trevor and my parents for a long time. They eventually got over it once Kinsley was born and did all they could to help them.
Trevor worked at my parents law firm and took college classes to become a lawyer at the same time, and Katelyn worked as well. We became babysitters without a choice because Katelyn and Trevor were living with us at the time.
By the time Trevor actually got his degree, he and Katelyn had just had their second baby, and wanted to get out on their own. My parents needed someone to work at their firm in New York City, so they gave the job to Trevor and they've been there ever since.
"Hey girl!" Katelyn says. She's tall, close to the same height as Trevor, with short brown hair and brown eyes.
I laugh as she reaches out to give me a side hug as she's currently holding Cheyenne, their youngest baby. She's one year old, and she has brown hair, taking after Katelyn.
"Hey! I haven't seen you in so long!" I say, hugging her tightly.
The last time I saw his whole family was when Cheyenne was born. When Trevor transferred to New York to work at the law firm there, his whole family obviously moved with him, and we don't get to see them too often.
Only Trevor was able to come home for the holidays this past year though, Katelyn having to work and the kids staying with her. Katelyn's family went to New York to spend the holidays with their grandkids since Katelyn couldn't come with Trevor.
"I can't believe how much they've grown!" I tell them, grabbing a hold of Cheyenne as she reaches out for me.
"I know, Cheyenne's in her talking phase. She speaks so much, but it's so difficult to understand what she's saying." Trever says, laughing.
"Sounds about right." I say, laughing.
"Hey bud." I say, reaching down and ruffling up Zach, their second child's, hair. Zach has a good mixture of both Katelyn and Trevor in him. He has Trevor's blonde hair, but his eyes are hazel.
He smiles at me with his big smile and laughs, causing us to laugh.
I carry Cheyenne with me to the living room and sit her down on the floor next to me, while Kinsley climbs up to sit next to me.
"So how is your job going? How did you get off work?" I ask Katelyn. She works in real estate, and for some reason they're ridiculous about giving her time off.
"It's going really well. I haven't had too much time off recently, but I made a deal that if I worked constantly, they'll give me a week off for each holiday." She says, laughing a little bit.
"I still can't believe you weren't able to have Christmas off last year." I say and Katelyn and Trevor stay silent, giving each other a look.
"What's that look for?" I say, raising my eyebrows.
"Nothing." Trevor says, casting a look at dad and Jake.
"You too?" I say.
"Em it's not like it's a big deal." Jake says.
"Just big enough to where everyone else in the family knows but me." I say, feeling frustration rise in me.
I'm so tired of everyone keeping secrets from me.
"It's not like that Em." My dad says.
"Then what is it like dad?" I snap.
"Uh I'm gonna let y'all hash this out." Katelyn says, picking up Cheyenne and leading Zach and Kinsley out of the room.
"I'm tired of all the lying and sugarcoating. Just be honest with me." I plead, looking between the three of them.
Trevor takes a deep breath before starting.
"Last year the holidays were the perfect time for me to come home. For both Jordan and I to come and check on you. You probably don't remember this because of everything going on, but Arianna and the kids weren't here either. Madison was mainly just alone every time she came to visit you in the hospital, and we didn't do Christmas dinner. We mainly stayed in your hospital room." He says, causing the memories of last year to come back.
There were so many things happening around November and December last year that I really don't remember much. I remember the hospital room and seeing Trevor and Jordan, but I just figured that their families were at the house. I only found out that Trevor's family wasn't here because I overheard a conversation.
"So they didn't come because Katelyn had to work and y'all didn't want to overwhelm me with the kids. Why keep that a secret?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.
Trevor just sighs. "Katelyn didn't have to work Em. We had been planning on coming back here for the holidays for a really long time. She had even taken off work for that long. We didn't want to make you feel bad so we came up with the lie that Katelyn had to work."
What?
"So she didn't get to have the trip y'all had been planning because of me?" I ask, my heart pulling a little.
"It wasn't your fault Em." He says quietly.
"Yes it was! She didn't get to spend the holidays with her husband because of me. Same goes with Arianna and Madison. It's all my fault. It's always my fault."
Suddenly it feels like the air is sucked out of the room as I think about how much everyone gives up for me.
Why do they still want me around?
"Em no it's not. Everything happens for a reason." Trevor says.
"Don't feed me that bull crap Trevor. I should have taken care of my body better! I should have been better. Now, because of me, you missed your daughter's first Christmas. You can't get that back and that's my fault." I say, clenching my fists.
Why?
Why is everything always my fault?
This isn't the first time either. Something similar has happened before. The gang didn't go to homecoming because of me.
"Em come on, it wasn't your fault." My dad says softly.
"Repeating it isn't going to make it more true." I say, feeling the sudden need to just get out.
"Em, just know that none of us blame you for what happened. We still love you regardless."
I just shake my head silently.
I'm tired of always being the burden in this family.
I have to get out of here.
"Em?" Jake asks me worriedly.
"I-I just need some air. I'll be back."
I quickly walk out of the room, grabbing my keys as I leave. As soon as I get to my car, I let out the tears that were threatening to escape.
I'm so angry with myself and my family, but most of all I just feel alone.
And there's no one to blame but myself.
Like always.
'~'
I don't know how I ended up here.
But I'm not complaining.
This is exactly what I need.
I lost count of how many I had. Two? Three?
"Hey! Can I have another round?" I yell, waving my shot glass at the bartender.
He nods before turning to fill five more shot glasses with tequila.
Maybe I've had more than three.
The bartender comes over with my shots and I smile in glee.
"Thank you!" I yell at him even though he's still right in front of me.
I start knocking them back and quickly biting into a lime after each one, loving the slight burn they leave on my throat as I continue.
"Shot! Shot! Shot!" A crowd gathered around me by the time I took my third shot a while back. I'm not sure how long I've been here, but they're a fun time.
"Another one!" Someone from the crowd yells.
Who would I be if I didn't give in?
"Oh bartender!" I slur excitedly.
He seemed to have already read my mind, coming back with another round.
I eagerly start drinking all my shots and the crowd goes wild. I give a few of the high fives before starting to wave again to my best friend, Mr. Bartender!
Before I can even put my hand up someone grabs it.
"Wha--?" I whip around to the person and he looks very familiar.
Another person in a leather jacket was shooing away my lovely companions.
"Alright everyone, shows over."
"Hey! Why are you pushing them away?"
My eyebrows furrow at the guy who has my wrist in a light grip.
"Em? Are you okay?" He says.
That voice...oh!
"Hey Dwight! Fancy seeing you here!" Now I remember! He's one of my best friends. Sorry Mr. Bartender, you've been demoted.
"Jeez Em, how much have you had to drink?" A voice from behind me says.
"Travis! Look Dwight, Travis is here too!" I say laughing.
"Dude she's wasted." Travis says to Dwight.
Why do they look sad?
I know! They just need a couple of shots too!
"Mr. Bartender!" I sing out. "Another round? Bring some for my sad best friends too!"
"Em-"
"Nuh uh, shot time!" I slur, grabbing a shot as they come over.
Dwight immediately takes it from me before I can do it, and Travis moves the tray.
"Hey! Meanie." I pout.
"Em, you're drunk. Come on, we're taking you home."
"Hell no!" I snap, angry suddenly.
I am not going back to a place of liars.
"Liars? Em, what are you talking about?" Travis asks.
Did I say that out loud?
Oopsie.
"Nothing silly, everything is fine."
"Everything is not fine Em. Come on, let's go." Dwight says, grabbing my hand to walk out.
"Fine." I pout. "Bye Mr. Bartender!"
He waves slightly, but looks indifferent.
How rude.
As I begin to walk, the ground kind of gets fuzzy, and next thing I know, I'm running into a chair.
"Geez Em, be careful." Travis says frustratedly.
I salute him before giggling. Him and Dwight exchange a look, causing me to get annoyed.
"What is with all of the secrets and looks people give people? Like just be honest people!" I slur and somehow manage to get it out.
Dwight sighs and picks me up bridal style.
"Oooh I'm going for a ride." I squeal in excitement.
He rolls his eyes and follows Travis out to the parking lot.
"Where are your keys Em?" Dwight asks me softly.
"Hm, I don't remember." I say, laughing.
Dwight stands me up and I get dizzy from the motion, reaching out to grab his shoulders. My hands trail down from his shoulders to his chest and I look at him in awe.
"Woah...Dwight, your chest is so hard." I slur.
"Okay, we need to find your keys asap." Travis says, laughing at the look that Dwight is giving him.
"What keys?" I ask in confusion.
I see Travis facepalm and walk away.
Where's he going?
"Hey Dwight? Where's he going?" I ask tugging on his jacket.
"To look for your car Em."
"Is it lost?"
"Yes Em, your car is lost." Dwight says, sighing.
I gasp loudly.
Oh no!
"Dwight! What are we gonna do? If my car's gone, how am I gonna get home? Where will I stay? What if it's scared...all alone, in the dark."
"Dwight!" I yell.
"Yes Em?"
"There's my car!" I say excitedly, seeing it being driven and stopped right in front of us.
"You came back!" I yell, running towards my car, and then having to hug it so I don't fall over.
"Where were the keys?" Dwight asks Travis, ignoring me.
"Under the driver's seat." Travis says, running a hand through his hair.
"Seriously Em?" Dwight says, looking at me.
"Huh?" I ask, pulling away from the hug I gave my car.
"Nothing, come on, let's go."
Dwight opens the door for me and I jump in excitedly.
We're going on a trip!
"I'm gonna ride back here with her." Dwight tells Travis before sliding into the backseat with me.
"Hi Dwight! What are you doing here?"
I hear Travis chuckle before starting the engine and taking off.
"Hey Trav?" I call out.
"What is it Em?"
"Can you roll down the windows pretty please?" I ask as a sudden wave of nausea hits me.
"Sure." He says, rolling the windows down.
"You okay?" Dwight asks me.
"Yeah, I just haven't been this nauseous since--" I quickly cut myself off.
They don't know about that Emma.
"Since what?" Dwight asks from beside me.
"Ooohh look at that star!" I say pointing outside and ignoring him completely.
He rolls his eyes, but sits back.
Travis pulls up in front of my house and Jake is standing outside.
"Look! It's my brother!" I say excitedly.
I quickly climb out of my car, but I guess the ground missed me because I slipped and fell straight onto the ground.
"Em!" Jake says as he quickly rushes to help me up.
"Hi Jakey poo!" I yell waving at him. Damn, I've been doing a lot of waving today. My poor arm is getting tired.
"Em, shh everyone's asleep. Where have you been? You've been gone for hours." Jake says all at once while helping me up.
"We found her at a bar downtown. She's wasted bro, I doubt you'll get anything out of her."
Jake sighs and nods at the guys.
"Here take my truck to get back, you can return it tomorrow." Jake says, throwing his keys at them.
Was his truck lost too?
"Thanks man, we'll see you later." Dwight says. He gives me one last look of concern before following Travis to Jake's truck.
"Okay Em, you've got to be quiet." He tells me.
"Okay shh." I say putting a finger to my lip.
Jake opens our front door quietly and closes it gently, taking my hand and leading me upstairs.
Everything is going well until I miss a step and come crashing down.
"Ow!" I yell.
"Emma!" Jake hisses at me into the dead of night,
"I'm sorry." I say pouting.
A light flickers on and we look over to see Caleb looking down at us from the top of the stairs.
"Could you two be any louder?" He says.
"You're Chandler Bing!" I yell loudly, referencing friends.
"Emma!" Jake says frustratedly again.
"You're just lucky mom and dad are heavy sleepers." Caleb says, rolling his eyes before walking away.
Jake leans down and scoops me in his arms, carrying me the rest of the way.
He goes into my room and lays me on my bed, pulling the covers over me.
"Jake?" I ask, and he sits on the edge of my bed.
"Yeah?"
"Why wasn't it me?" I ask, staring at the ceiling as sadness suddenly envelops me.
"What?" He asks softly.
"They didn't even have a chance at life. It's not fair Jake." I say, a tear rolling down my face.
I have two stages when I'm drunk: hyper and out of control, and depression. I guess I hit the depression phase.
"Em...I'm so sorry." He says, holding my hand. "But you're gonna be okay, you're gonna get through this."
"Yeah..." I slur, feeling my eyes begin to get heavy.
"It's okay Em, go to sleep. It'll all be okay tomorrow." He says softly, and before I know it, darkness consumes me.
'~'
Hey guys!
Don't forget to comment and vote!
~Marie Black :)