Steele
Sleeping was something people needed, so was food, but I didn't want either of them. I was terrified to sleep for fear that I'd wake up to a tear streaked face saying she was gone. I sat in my wheel chair outside the room the doctors had her in, the alienated-looking one. I reused to go back to my room, so a few times a day, some bitchy nurse would come check to make sure I healing up okay; I was able to get out of this god damned chair tomorrow afternoon. The locks on the wheel chair were put in place, and I had my feet on the small will of the picture window between Ace and I as I read "If I Stay", a book she'd wanted me to read before she found out the bet
"You can't do this to yourself, Steele." I heard my father mumble from beside me
"I'm not doing anything." I muttered, looking at him
"That's the problem dammit! All you do is sit here and sulk over Ace! Do you really think she'd want to see you like this?!" He snapped, tugging his hair a little
"No, but she'd have to get over it, because I'm not leaving." I stated, going back to my book
"Steele...please. We're begging you to look after yourself." He begged, putting his hand on his on my shoulder
"I'm not leaving." I snapped, glaring at the words on the page
"I'm not sure this is a world I belong in anymore. I'm not sure that I want to wake up."
Tears filled my eyes as the words glared back at me. What if this is what she was thinking right now? What if out-of-body experiences were real, and she was watching all of us fall apart at the seems? With a slight sob, I threw the book at the wall, watching it fall to the floor with a thud. There was a doctor inside the room, checking the machines that were hooked up to Ace before writing something on a paper attached to his clipboard
"Your parents are worried about you, you know." A voice chipped from behind me
"I know." I mumbled
"They're just trying to help you." The voice explained further after a moment
"I know that too." I hissed, not bothering to look at the young doctor who stood behind me
"Why are you doing this to yourself?!" He questioned, moving so he stood in front of me
"Because she's worth it. Because even though I've fucked up big, she forgave me and looked passed my stupidity." I explained, looking past him to where Ace laid on the bed, the line on the heart monitor keeping a steady pattern. Line, zig, line, zig, line, zig-
"There's more than a 50% chance she might not even make it and your here throwing yourself away!" He snarled. How the hell did this man get his doctoring liscence?!
"It doesn't matter. All that matters is that woman lying on that bed." I snarled, forcing myself to feet as I stood in front of the man as I pointed at Ace through the window next to us
"What are you gonna do if she dies?! Sit in the god damned cemetary until you join her?!" He snapped, throwing his hands in the air
"I think your in the wrong profession pal." I hissed, pushing him away from me
"Your pathetic. Sitting here pining over a girl who might not even live." He snarled before turning and stomping down the hall
"Stupid prick" I thought as I sat back down in the wheel chair and watched Ace some more. Another hour or so ticked by before I noticed the book on the floor and picked it up, glancing at the page it had flipped to. This wasn't the page I'd been on, but one passage stood out more that the others
" 'It's okay,' he tells me. 'If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.' His voice cracks with emotion. He stops, clears his throat, takes a breath, and continues. 'But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting.' "
Tears swam in my eyes as I read that part, and slowly, I shut the book. I couldn't read that. I knew that I wouldn't be able to say that to her, because I was selfish. I needed her.
-----------------
The rest if the week passed quickly, I was out of the chair, and there were doctors bustling around Ace's room
"They're moving her to a different room today." A nurse explained as she came to a stop beside me "Its got two cots, that way you won't have to leave her." She continued, rubbing my shoulder
"That's great..." I mumbled, watching as the doctors bustled around some more "Are they gonna take her off the life support?" I asked, finally looking up at her
"No, she still needs that. But I'm sure everything will be okay. You love her, don't you." She stated, looking at the redheaded woman who had managed to wrap me around her finger in such a short amount of time
"Yeah, I do." I whispered, watching as they wheeled her from the room.
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"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR ONLY GIVING HER ANOTHER WEEK WITH THE LIFE SUPPORT?!" I yelled at her parents after they'd told me. It was a day or so after the doctors had moved Ace into her new room
"Its what she wanted, son." Kelly told me, looking at the floor
"How would you know?!" I snarled, jumping off the bed
"Because she wrote a letter when she was 9, and she updated it just after the two of you got back together." George explained, his voice cracking at the end and his eyes filled up with tears. He took a step towards me, a letter in his hand. Slowly, with shaking hands, I reached out and took the letter from him. The first part of the letter was written in sloppy children's writing, the second part in the scrolly writing I was used to seeing
"To who it concerns;
After watching Bubby lay so still and be in so much pain for so many months, I have decided that if I ever have an accident like his, I only want to feel pain for two weeks. I don't want to be in pain. After those two weeks are gone, I want daddy to push the button that will send me to see bubby, he'll look after me, I know he will.
I love you; Ace Dawn Jobins"
Confusion filled my thoughts; brother? I don't recall her ever mentioning she'd had siblings. What had happened? Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I continued on to read the more recent addition to the letter
"I figured I might as well update this, I mean its been about 8 years right? Anyways, the two week thing still goes. I don't want to lay there and be forgotten as everyone moves on with the world, and I don't want to wake up years later only to realize I have no place in the world anymore. Mom, I want you to look after daddy for me, lord knows he needs it. I want you to take everything out of my room and give everything to someone who needs it. I want you to repaint it and give it a new life. Daddy, I don't want you to stop her, or sit in my old room staring at the hole we put in the wall. Remember when we put it there? We were wrestling and you fell, your foot went right through the plaster. We switched my mirror and my desk, telling mom it was because I wanted a change. I want you to look after Molly for me. I don't want her sold, or rented. I want her retired, so she can live the lazy life she deserves. I want her to live happy until she decides she's ready to come find me. There's a sepperate letter for Steele, and if we're still together, make sure he gets it.
I love you all, and someday, when its your time to join me, I'll wait for you at the gate and show you around."
There were tears on my cheeks, my mother and Kelly were both crying, my dad had watery eyes, and George had silent tears dripping off his face
"Here." He muttered, holding an envelope out towards me. Once my shakey hands had grabbed it, he ushered everyone out of the room, saying they would give me some space to read in peace
"Steele
At this point, I'm sure you have some questions. When I was nine, my brother Storm was gored by a steer, the horn punctured his chest. The steer, by that point terrified, trampled him. They were able to fix him up, but the steer had created enough damage that his braon put him in a self induced coma to protect itself. He laid there for months, 18, to be exact. He never woke up. One day the machine just wasn't enough to keep him going. He was only 13 at the time.
Anyways, on to you. I love you. I know I haven't been the most vocal about it, but I love you, I have for years. Since grade 9, actually. I honestly never thought you'd notice me, I was just the quiet little girl who had a crush on this kid who had a thing for baseball caps and cowboy boots. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to be happy, and move on, fall in love, get married, and live a long life. I want you to find a girl worthy of you, and go after her. Do that whole 'don't take no for an answer' thing. Love her, take care of her, and for the love of god, you idiot, don't let her go. I love you, and I'll meet you at St Peters gate to give you a hug before leaving you to wait for her. I put a CD in the hole behind my mirror, and if I do die, I want you to play that for my funeral. I know its a lot to ask, but I felt like I should as you. If you don't I'll understand. I love you.
Ace"
Tears ran down my cheeks as I rested my elbows on my knees. How was I expected to move on? Hell I've loved her before I'd talked to her for the first time
"Baby please, I need you." I sobbed, holding her hand tightly.
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A week flew by, and there was no sign of movement, and today was the final day. Everyone was in the room. George, Kelly, Sarah, Lexi and her parents, Kira and her parents, Josh, River, Luke, my parents, and myself all fit into the roop surrounding the cot where Ace lay
"Steele, why don't you and the boys sing a song? As a goodbye?" Kelly suggested. They'd heard me sing at a family bonfire I'd attended wihmth Ace
"I'll sing if the girls sing after." I smiled, trying to lighten the mood
"We'll sing first." Kira smiled, taking the guitar from River, who rested his hand on her shoulder. The girls talked for a moment before the Kira started strumming the guitar
Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
By the end nearly everyone in the room was smiling through their tears, clapping for them. We all knew Ace wouldn't want us sad
"Your turn boys." George smiled, wiping the tears from his cheeks before slapping me on the shoulder as Kira handed River his guitar back and I told them the song
“Sorry you missed me
I’ll get back with you as soon as I can
Thank you and god bless”
Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I’m supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While I’m writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
I got up and dialed your number
And your voice came on the line
That old familiar message
I heard a thousand times it just said
Sorry that I missed you
Leave a message and god bless
I know you think I’m crazy
But I had to hear your voice I guess
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
So play your upside-down, left handed
Backwards bass guitar
And I’ll see you on the other side
Superstar
I’m gonna miss that smile
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I’m not crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m crying for me
I’m still crying
I’m crying for me
I’m still crying
"Ace had a song she wanted played at her funeral, do you mind if I play it? Kind if like her goodbye." I mumbled, wiping away my tears
"Sure honey." Kelly smiled, hugging me as I handed George the CD
"Its just the one track." I mumbled, pressing the button. It was silent as the first chords started playing
What will I say?
Lookin' back upon this life
Standin' there at the pearly gates
To a golden street paradise
Feelin' humble, no room up there for pride
What will I say?
Well, I know that I've
Messed up more than a time or two
I've lived like hell, I've done it well
And I've got the scars to prove
When I show up alone at heaven's door
Will I be proud of what I've done
Or will I be begging for
One more time
One more chance
One more trip around the sun
One more dance
Another day
To get it right
Yeah, one more kiss
One more touch
Another song
Another night
Just one more time
Just wanna make sure
That I did it all right
I just wanna make sure
I loved and cared and gave with all my might
'Cause there'll be a moment
Yeah, there always is
When I won't get another day like this
One more time
One more chance
One more trip around the sun
One more dance
Another day
To get it right
Yeah, one more kiss
One more touch
Another song
Another night
Just one more time
Crying filled the room, everyone was hugging, and whether they were crying aloud or in silence, there were tears on everyone's faces
"Its time." George croaked, holding his wife
"Okay." Was mumbled or sobbed throughout the room as we all gathered around Ace's cot, George standing next to the machine
"Tell Storm we said we love 'im, and that until we get there, he's gotta look after you." Kelly sobbed. Time slowed down as George's thumb rested on the button
"Any last words?" He asked, looking around
"I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It’s okay if you have to leave us. It’s okay if you want to stop fighting." I whispered, kissing her once more. I nodded at George and he pressed the button.