I hold my breath as the video begins to play...
"Shhhh" Rafe says with a chuckle. The three of them are wandering through some bushes, the camera hits against the leaves, until they reach an opening. The camera lowers indicating the filmers crouching down. You can see the backs of two bodies, a girl and a boy, and you can clearly make out who one of them is. The moon is bright enough to see his face as he turns to talk to the stunning blonde girl.
The voices filming start chuckling about something, meaning that you can't hear what is being said by JJ and the girl. The laughter of the couple is loud, and the girl shuffles closer to JJ.
"here we go" one of the filmers whispers, zooming in slightly.
"So tell me about your friends" the girl asks.
"Oh yeah, they're awesome." JJ beams, "been with them through thick and thin. I've known John B since the 3rd grade, he's like my brother. Pope's weird as fuck, but we still love him. He's into dead bodies though, which is kinda freaky. The three of us are very close."
"They sound cool" she pauses, "Wait. The three of you? What about the girl? The one I always see you with?" she questions
"What girl?" JJ questions
"The one you guys always hang with. I don't want to be mean but she's slightly larger? Wears glasses?" she clarifies,
"Oh Juliet" JJ confirms
"Yeah, you guys seem really close. You a couple?" she asks, pressing for information.
JJ lets out a large laugh, "Oh god no" he chuckles.
The girl turns around subtly to look at the camera, before returning her gaze to JJ.
"Why not?" she bats her eyelashes.
"Ha. Let's be realistic. If you were a guy, would you date her?" he asks with a pointed look.
"I don't see why not. She seems nice." she says, faking innocence, tilting her head.
"Sure, she's nice." JJ nods, "but she's annoying as fuck. Plus, no guy actually wants a 'nice girl'. He wants someone who they can bare to look at for more than a few minutes." he says looking at his feet.
"If you don't like her, then why do you always hang out with her? You seem to be having fun whenever I see her with you"
"I wouldn't say I 'hang' with her. One day I saw Rafe and Topper bothering some kid, and so I saw it as an excuse to hit them. I'm always down for hitting a kook" he jokes, "but now she won't leave us alone. She always rocks up to John B's house, and invites herself along to everything. She's like an itch you can't scratch. Just another Pogue wannabe."
"Why don't you just tell her that you don't want to hang out?" she presses more.
JJ shrugs, "she has a nice house. And she buys food for us."
The girl nods as two more bodies come into view.
"What's going on here then?" John B asks suggestively.
"JJ was just telling me about you guys" the girl perks up, "and that girl you hang out with. Why don't you guys tell her to piss off if she bugs you so much?" she half-jokes.
Pope and John B share a look of confusion as they sit down next to JJ. He whispers something to the pair, making the two of them nod reluctantly.
"My dad seems to like her" John B says, "he told me that if I hang out with her, he'll cut the amount of chores I do. But at this point I'd take the chores over spending every day with her"
Pope is looking at his feet, but when JJ elbows him and gives him a pointed look he speaks up, "it's just that she's already fragile. I mean we're afraid to do anything with her because we're scared she'll break. She doesn't fit in"
"See, it's not a me thing!" JJ exclaim, shuffling closer to the girl, throwing an arm around her shoulder, "we keep her around because she has her uses. I mean someone has to pay for the shit we do. But in reality, she's just as unwanted here as she is at the Kook academy."
John B and Pope share a look of confusion at the boy's behaviour, but they make no move to stop his ramblings.
"And don't you worry sun... sweetheart" he winks, "I'm as free as a bird. No one weighing me down" he pauses before chuckling, "no pun intended"
He puts his hands up for a fist bump and both boys oblige.
That's when the camera flips round to show Rafe, Topper and Kelce making stupid faces at the camera, sticking up their middle fingers.
"I hate to say I told you so" Rafe whispers, "but I told you so Sumo"
He smiles one more time before the screen goes black.
I look up to gauge their reactions, tears in my own eyes, reliving that pain again. Pope continues to stare at the phone in disbelief, regret and sadness show all over his face. John B has his hands in his hair, leaning back in his chair his eyes closed, but the way they're scrunched together, I know he's upset.
I turn my gaze to Kie, surprised to see her glaring at each of the boys in disbelief. I can tell she wants to say something, yell at them. But I also know that she respectful of me and knows that if I wanted them to feel my anger, they would. And for that reason, she stays silent.
I take a deep breath before switching my gaze to JJ. He's leaning forward, elbows on his knees, hands holding his head. His entire body is tense and shaking slightly. I can't gauge what he's feeling because I can't see his eyes. JJ's eyes show all his feelings. He can school his face into any emotion he wants, but I can always see his true feelings through his eyes.
Suddenly, he jumps up, scraping the chair against the floor harshly and rushing out the door, slamming it behind him.
I can't say I'm surprised at his reaction. I actually expected it.
I keep my gaze fixed on the door, not entirely sure what to do next. The only thing I know for certain is that I need to give JJ some time before I go to him.
"Jules" John B croaks, bringing my attention back to him. His eyes are slightly red and the his eyes are flooded with guilt and regret. Pope is in a similar state.
"I'm so sorr-" he tries, but his voice breaks, "-I'm so fucking sorry."
Not knowing how to answer, I play with my fingers, keeping my head down.
"We're such idiots." Pope mumbled, "such fucking idiots. We lied for no good reason."
"Jules, please look at me" John B coaxes. I fix my eyes to his.
"I can't tell you how fucking sorry I am. There are literally not enough words in the English language to explain how sorry I am. I'm sorry I said what I said, I'm sorry I didn't stop what JJ said. I'm sorry for fucking lying" he explains, "But listen to me now, because now I'm telling the truth. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me Jules. You filled a gap in my life I didn't even know I had. You're like the little sister I always wanted. You're brave, strong, beautiful and so many other things. I'll never be able to make up for what I did, but I'm going to do everything I can to try" he finishes, not once did his eyes leave mine.
I feel a small smile tugging at my lips. No matter how much their words hurt me, I know that they were lies. These guys do truly love me. They truly want me here. I've already forgiven them for this. I'll never forget, but they are forgiven.
"Wow Johnny" I chuckle, wiping my eyes, "wasn't expecting a heartfelt monologue. A plate of fries and a few free beers would've done just fine." I joke, trying to relieve the tension. It kinda works as John B, Kie and I let out soft laughs.
When I look over at Pope, he looks like he's about to breakdown. I get up off my sofa and make my way over to him. I pull him up from his seat and engulf him in a hug. His arms wrap around my waist instantly, and his head goes into the crook of my neck. He mumbles apologies over and over again into my neck.
"It's okay Pope" I comfort, rubbing his back softly.
"No. No it's not Juliet. We were just as bad as them. We're your friends and we hurt you" he says panicky, his voice breaking.
I pull him back to look in his eyes,
"You are nothing like those guys Pope. Did you say some hurtful things? Yes. But the difference is, you regret it. Pope I can see how much you regret it. Hell, you can see it in the video." I reassure him, "I forgive you." I say, making his eyes widen. He goes to refuse but I cut him off, "I forgive you"
I turn to look at John B, "I forgive you all" I smile.
Suddenly, another pair of arms join Pope and mines embrace. I turn my head to see Kie hugging us. Then John B joins as well. We stay here for a bit, just enjoying the moment, but the weight hasn't been fully lifted off my heart yet.
We break apart, all sobbing messes.
"Well. She may of forgiven you, but you're all in my bad books" Kie jokes, wrapping her arm around my shoulder before turning pulling me slightly away from the boys, so they can't hear us.
"You okay?" she asks softly.
"Surprisingly, yeah" I chuckle, "it feels good to know that I'm not hiding it anymore"
She smiles at me, "Thank you" she says,
"For what?"
"For trusting us enough to show us. I know you won't know this, but the boys have been killing themselves wondering why you left. And they all knew better than to ask you, but the amount of conversations they had blaming themselves..." she pauses, "Especially JJ. Turns out he had a reason to" she finished quietly.
I just nod slightly, not being able to argue with anything she said.
"How did you do it?" she asks, "manage to forgive them"
"Well for one, I had a year to think about it. To get over it. I mean, I'll never get totally over it, but it's allowed me to try. I also read something that really stuck with me. It said that 'Holding a grudge doesn't make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn't make you weak; it makes you free'" I pause, "I wanted to be free. I wanted to be happy. I didn't want this video hanging over me for the rest of my life. So I figured a good first step was to forgive them" I explain.
"I get that. You deserve to be happy Juliet" she smiles, pulling me in for another hug.
When I pull away, we walk back towards the boys. They've both calmed down a little, but when they look at me, I still see the guilt in their eyes, and I suspect it'll be there for a while.
We all look at the door and I can tell we're all thinking the same thing.
"Think he's had long enough to cool off?" I ask softly, knowing the hardest conversation is yet to come.
"The longer you leave it, the worse it'll get. You know what he's like." Pope says.
With that, I nod and make my way out the door and go to find my best friend.
**
I see his silhouette sat at the end of the small dock, his legs hanging over the ledge, his head still in his hands.
I take a deep breath and walk up behind him. If he knows I'm here he doesn't show it. I place a hand on his shoulder causing him to tense up and let out a sigh.
"Jay?" I ask softly.
He shakes his head, that is still in his hands, and refuses to look at me.
"Jay?" I repeat, shaking his shoulder slightly.
"I can't" he croaks. His voice is hoarse, suggesting that he's been crying. "I can't look at you after what I did"
I can hear the pain in his voice as he speaks. I sigh, knowing that JJ will probably never forgive himself for this.
I sit down next to him so that our shoulders are brushing. I lean forward slowly, and grab his hands to pull them away from his face. It takes a few attempts, but he finally lets me take his hands.
"Look at me Jay" I instruct, drawing soothing circles on his wrist.
He shakes his head vigorously in refusal.
"Please Jay. I need you to look at me" I almost beg. To help, I bring a hand up to the side of his face furthest away from me, and guide his face to look at me.
I gasp when he finally turns to meet my gaze. His eyes are glassy and red, confirming my thoughts that he'd been crying. His eyes hold so much emotion, it's hard to pick out exactly what's there. I'm not entirely sure what to say, so I say the only thing I can.
"I forgive you" I whisper.
He immediately tenses up, as conflict crosses his face. He begins to shake his head.
"Jay. I. Forgive. You." I say slowly, hoping it will resonate with him. Unfortunately, it's not that easy with JJ. He rips my hands away from his face, stands up and starts pacing on the deck, his hands behind his head.
"You can't" he says, "I won't let you. Not after what I did. Not after I hurt you." he mutters.
"I promised I would never hurt you. But I did. I hurt you. I hurt you bad. I made you leave. It's my fault. I made you leave. It's my fault" JJ rambles quietly to himself as he paces.
My heart breaks at his words, tears gathering in my eyes again. I stand up and walk over to him. I reach up to grab him, but he jumps away from me like I'm poisonous.
"NO!" he shouts, "I don't deserve your forgiveness. You can't give it to me!"
"Jay, listen..."
"No." he cuts me off, leaving me slightly stunned at his tone.
"JJ Maybank. You will listen to me"
"I can't. I'm so fucking sorry about everything Sunshine. But you deserve better." he says before beginning to walk off.
"You said you'd never hurt me JJ!" I shout after him, making him stop in his tracks, "If you walk away from me now, you'll hurt me more than you ever have before"
He slowly turns around and looks at me. The guilt is still there on his face, but his eyes are laced with frustration.
"Why can't you see that I'm no good for you?" he mumbles, "all I ever do is hurt you"
"That's not true." I start, walking towards him slowly, "You protect me. You make me feel safe"
"No I-"
"Yes you do." I say with conviction, "JJ, you're everything to me. Did you hurt me? Yeah, you did. Really fucking bad"
JJ's face contorts with pain, making me carry on quickly,
"But who was the one who saved me from Rafe that day? Who was the one who introduced me to my best friends? Who was the only one who understood me? Who was the one person I knew I could always count on?" I ask, taking slow steps forward, so I'm now directly in front of him. I take his face in my hands, forcing him to listen.
"It was you JJ. You were my best friend. You still are my best friend. You saved me JJ. Did you know that? because honestly, I didn't know how much more bullying I could take. You call me sunshine right?" I ask, tears flowing freely now, "why is that?"
He takes a breath, also ignoring his tears, "Because you light up everything. You light up my life" he whispers.
"You're my light JJ." I clarify. His eyes start filling with an unknown emotion.
Just when I think I've got through to him, he closes his eyes and growls.
"You can't forgive me. What I did was too bad." JJ speaks, as he pulls away from me again.
"Jay..." I start, but don't entirely know what else to say.
"No Juliet" he shouts, making me take a step back slightly, "did you not hear the things I said! Those disgusting things I said. How can you even bare to look at me!" he pauses before continuing his rant. I don't cut him off, knowing that he needs to get this off his chest, "How can you stand there and forgive me after what I said. Jules, you were the best. You are the best! You always looked after me when my dad got bad. You always helped me with my school work so that I wouldn't fail. You always listened! You did so much for me!"
"And what did I do in return? I lied. Every single thing I said, was a fucking lie. And the reason I lied was even more stupid." he scoffs.
"Why did you lie?" I ask without thinking.
"Because I'm a coward. Because I didn't know how else to deal with it."
His eyes, meet mine. He must see the confusion on my face because he decides to clarify,
"I was so fucking scared of doing what I wanted. I was too scared about what everyone else would think. I was scared that you'd get bullied more. I was scared of it all."
Well that clarified nothing. I realise he's talking more to himself than to me.
"I thought that it was a phase. That if I told enough lies about you, I'd start to believe it. I thought that if I hooked up with that girl, it would help." he mutters, "But it didn't. It just made me feel worse. I thought as long as you never found out, it'd be okay."
"But you did. And now you know how disgusting I am." he exclaims.
I take a moment to process everything, but I can only come up with one question. It flies out of my mouth before I can stop it.
"What were you scared of JJ?"
He turns to face me, conflicting emotions showing on his face. Suddenly, his demeanor changes as though he's made up his mind, and he starts walking towards me.
"I was scared of doing this" he mutters. I don't have time to get a reply out before his lips come crashing down on mine.
I'm so shocked at his actions, that I don't reciprocate. I just stand there.
Picking up on my stiffness, and the way I'm not kissing him back, JJ pulls away, eyes wide.
"I'm sorry." he huffs as he begins to walk away, "for all of it"
Thoughts swirl in my head rapidly. JJ Maybank just kissed me. He likes me. He's fucking liked me all this time. He liked me before I got slim and decent looking. He liked me for me.
I watch as JJ walks slowly down the dock, his head hanging.
It all makes sense now. The butterflies, the subtle touches, the jealousy. I like him. He likes me. So what the fuck am I doing?
When my brain finally clicks into gear, I start running after him.
When I'm a few steps away, I shout, "JJ!"
He turns around quickly, and I practically jump on him. My legs wrap around his waist, and his arms instinctively come up to catch me.
He looks at me confused, but I don't answer him. Instead I smile and bring my lips down to his.
He freezes for a split second, but then I feel him smile and kiss me back. His lips are slightly chapped, but feel so good against my own. I bring my hand up to the back of his head, playing with the hairs on the nape of his neck. He lets out a small groan as I do it, urging me on.
Our lips move in synch, one of his hands coming up to hold the side of my face. He takes two steps forward, perching me on the railing, not breaking the kiss.
After a few seconds, we both pull away breathlessly. I lean my forehead against his, before he leans in place a soft lingering kiss on my lips.
We both open our eyes and smile at each other.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that for" he admits as he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.
"Trust me I have some idea" I chuckle, closing my eyes, shaking my head.
"Sunshine?" he questions, making me open my eyes to meet his. There is a new vulnerability to them as he continues, "I'm really fucking sorry."
I smile softly at him, bringing a hand up to his face, stroking his cheek with my thumb.
"I know" I whisper before leaning in for a quick kiss.
I pull away, before pulling him between my legs and wraping my arms around his neck in a hug. His arms snake around my waist and holds me to him as close as possible, his head tucked into my neck.
I don't know how long we stay here for, but I do know that wrapped up in JJ's arms is my new favourite place to be.
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There we go! I know a lot of people have been waiting for this one!
I'm going to be going on a family holiday for a week, and so I won't be updating for a little while. Thought I'd better post this chapter before I went away!
Hope you enjoyed x