The silence was so loud and unbearable in Jeongguk's car, suffocating and deafening Taehyung. He was surrounded by his thoughts that did nothing but torment him. He fucked up so bad and he knew he did.
Taehyung was sick of fucking up, especially as bad as he was. He often asked himself if coming back was worth it at all because so far, it's brought him nothing more than pain and agony.
He would've been better off alone with the new friends he made back in Daegu, South Korea.
But no, he decided that he was going to try again after seeing one of the twins face-to-face. Oh, how Taehyung wished he could've made the ultimate choice of never chasing after the group.
Perhaps he would be a bit happier than this.
"Stop throwing yourself a pity party." Jeongguk's voice cleared the silence, saying that as if he could read Taehyung's mind. "It only pisses me off more."
The elder sighed, he had looked over once he heard Jeongguk speak but soon looked back away, eyes focusing on the moving objects outside of the vehicle.
Taehyung knew he shouldn't talk but he felt like he had to. "I told him not to tell anyone," he remarked.
Jeongguk huffed. "One fucking rule, Taehyung, it was all I asked for."
"Yeah, well, too bad." Taehyung shook his head, arms loosely crossed over his chest. "He wasn't trying to find me and when I saw him, he was just as surprised as I was. He was pissed too, believe it or not. I just had him promise me he wouldn't tell anyone."
"Why?" Jeongguk asked sternly. He had one hand on the stirring wheel while the other rested on rolled down window, the outside air bringing just a tad bit of relief to his raging nerves.
"Because I didn't want you guys knowing. And, if you were going to find out, it was going to be from me. Not Yoongi, not Hoseok, not anyone else. It's not their job to relay the mistake I made." Taehyung kept his eyes forward, a pathetic look playing his face.
Jeongguk thought it over, not saying anything as a response to what Taehyung admitted to. He was unsure on what to say, the boy making him speechless.
"Leehyun told me something similar," The brunet started up again. "He told me that I should just tell you guys because lying about it wasn't the answer. I told him I couldn't and he said then it was on me. He said he wasn't going to do my dirty work for me, he said it wasn't up to him."
"At least he wasn't as dumb as I thought he was." Jeongguk remarked. "What's he up to anyways? After Jimin dumped him, I didn't hear much about it."
"I'm not sure, the last I saw him was the day I left." Taehyung said, shrugging a bit. "But, whatever, I just want you to know that—"
"You're sorry, you regret it, you would take it bad, I get it." Jeongguk shook his head but to himself. "I don't want to hear it. I get what you're trying to do but it's like every time you say sorry, there's another thing for me to be upset about and—" He cut himself off, thinking of what to say. "Ugh, you make it so hard."
Taehyung directed his attention over, listening to what Jeongguk had to say. He could hear the distress in his voice.
"I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of running in circles with you, backpedaling, spinning in spirals just to end up nowhere."
"Then let's end somewhere," Taehyung whined, turning his body a bit to face Jeongguk. "We can end somewhere but it's you who doesn't want to. I'm trying so hard to move on from it but—"
"But fucking nothing, Taehyung." Jeongguk rolled his eyes, a forever-frown lingering. "Nothing, Taehyung. It's fucking nothing and I need you to just stop talking, please."
Taehyung didn't want to but he decided that it was probably the best thing he could do.
Just until they got home which was sooner than later, Jeongguk parking the car and leaving it as soon as he could.
Taehyung was quick to do the same, following the twin through the lobby and all the way to the elevator.
There was that silence again but Taehyung didn't want to live in it anymore, not being able to tolerate it much longer.
"Let's talk about it, please," Taehyung pleaded, hating this entirely way too much. He just wanted a bit of communication, just a bit of something between them.
"Give me some space, won't you?" Jeongguk crossed his arms over his chest, tapping his index finger off of his bicep.
The elevator doors pulled open and Jeongguk excused himself, having a traveling shadow right behind him. He was trying to create some distance, just wanting the personal space but the elder was totally relentless.
Taehyung made every step Jeongguk made, trying to get a word in but Jeongguk didn't want any parts of it. He was so sick and tired of everything at this point.
"Please, Jeongguk," Taehyung whined, stopping the twin's bedroom door from shutting when it was shoved back to stop him. He continued to enter, closing it behind him. He learned from his mistakes of 'letting it go', he didn't want to do it again. "Just let me talk."
Jeongguk groaned, walking to the other end of the room and turning back towards Taehyung. "Talk, say whatever you got to."
The brunet gulped, nodding but more to himself. "Jeongguk, babes, it was never an intention to hurt you. I—"
"No, I don't want to hear it from the beginning. I don't care what you got to say about you cheating, that shit's dead." Jeongguk gave attitude, sick of the broken record.
"Then . . . What do you want to hear?" Taehyung wondered, taking two steps forward. "Tell me what you want me to say."
"I shouldn't have to tell you what to say, this isn't a story or a script, Tae." Jeongguk huffed. "It's two grown men dealing with a childish issue. If you don't know the words to say then you oughta leave."
Taehyung understood and took a few more steps, Jeongguk watching him closely. "I want to learn to love you, Jeongguk. I want to love you and be able to hold you and call you mines again. I'm hoping for a relationship again if I'm being honest."
The younger felt his heart halt, hearing the words that left Taehyung's lips. He looked genuine; serious but Jeongguk was unsure whether or not he could buy it. He didn't think Taehyung would hit him with something like that, wasn't expecting that.
"I'm willing to give us . . . A relationship with you and Jungkook a chance, I want to try. I'm trying to move past this because I still have those feelings deep down. I still care." Taehyung spoke softly, feeling his eyes swell. "I still want you."
"You ruined that." Jeongguk said, his voice cracking towards the end. He didn't want to look or sound so vulnerable, knowing the obvious tone of voice sounded just like that.
"I didn't ruin anything."
"Yes you did, you ruined it, it's too late." Jeongguk sighed, dragging his fingers through his black locks. He stepped closer and went to his bed, sitting on the edge.
The elder attended his side, sitting directly beside him. "No—"
"Taehyung, please stop." Jeongguk sounded like he was begging. He could hear how close Taehyung was to crying and he couldn't deal with it. "We can't. We can't do that, not me and you."
Taehyung didn't know why it hurt like they were breaking up, maybe because they never actually had to go through it. It felt like they were rejecting each other and deciding this was it.
Ironically enough, Jeongguk felt the same feeling. He could feel his own eyes sting, the salty tears filling his eyes.
"Ggukie, I-I'm sorry . . ." Taehyung cautiously placed his hand on Jeongguk's shoulder, wanting the comfort of him. He could feel a tear roll down his cheek, the warm wetness leaving its trail down his skin. "But . . . But we can do this, you don't even want to give it a chance. Let's try."
Jeongguk turned his body and faced Taehyung, hearing his heart crack in his chest. He moved his hands and cupped Taehyung's face, using the pads of his thumbs to take the tears away.
"I-I want you too, Taehyung, but," he closed his eyes and gently placed his forehead against Taehyung's, feeling his bottom lip quiver.
"Y-Yes you can, you can have me, you can love me." Taehyung didn't close his eyes, trying to stop any tear that wanted to come out. "Please give it a shot."
"Taehyung, I can't."
"You can, baby, you can give it a shot. I promise I won't mess up, I won't cheat on you." Taehyung felt more warm droplets of tears rush down his cheeks, feeling a pang in his chest. "Please, I'll do better— be better. We can take this slow, Jeongguk, baby steps. I can show you I'll be a better man, that I've learned."
"I can't, I can't, I can't . . ." Jeongguk whispered in a chant, shaking his head. He had his own tears rolling down. "I can't."
"Jeongguk, I miss you."
"Stop, Taehyung."
"I miss your touch"
"Please,"
"Your smile, your voice."
"You can miss it as a friend." Jeongguk pulled his head back and looked at Taehyung who looked just a pained as he did. It was so much heartache and tons of emotions that were never released up until this point.
"I miss calling you my lover, my boyfriend, my heart and soul." Taehyung kept going. "I know you don't want me out of your life, I know you don't want to give up."
"I don't but I can't have you!" Jeongguk cried out. "I can't put myself through that again, Taehyung. I loved you way too much and way too hard . . . I gave my everything to you and still left with a broken heart." He whimpered, pulling his hands back as Taehyung tried to grab onto him. "We can be friends but . . ."
"One more shot, I won't fuck up! I promise!" Taehyung was bawling his eyes out by this point, hands trembling. He tried to pull Jeongguk into a hug but the man refused and kept a distance. "I want you back, I want to love you again."
"I do too," Jeongguk lowered his voice and spoke calmly. "I want to love you again because when I loved you, I felt nothing but happiness . . . I felt pure joy and relief. I never felt so in love and it took me forever to get over you. I want to believe that we can be together until the day we die, fight for us but I'm not fighting anymore. If loving you is going to hurt me this much, then I shouldn't love you at all."
"Let me take away the pain," Taehyung finally got him when he was weak, placing his hands on his hips. "Let me love you, let me take care of you, give you better memories. I won't mess up, not again." He wrapped his arms around him, hearing Jeongguk cry on his shoulder as he cried himself.
Jeongguk sniffled, broken winces leaving his lips. He pushed away, not looking up at Taehyung who decided not to force another hug on the broken adult as much as he wanted it.
They stood there in silence for a moment, both thinking of the best thing to say. Breakups hurt, they hurt bad but maybe this would bring the closure each of them needed.
"Taehyung," Jeongguk looked up at his ex-lover, eyes red and nose snotty. "Nothing will ever take your place in my heart . . . I'll never love anyone the way I loved you, not even you. I might still have feelings deep inside me, a yearn for you to be mine once more but we can't. Nothing will ever be the same and you know that." He whispered. It was so sad yet so true. "We can try and try and try again but you broke me. Loving you is a losing game, loving you only hurts me and I think it's time I fix my priorities. You were worth it at one point but you're not worth it now, not again."
"Baby," Taehyung made Jeongguk look at him, hands moving to his cheeks and eyes locked. "I'm sorry. I really am, I'm so sorry." He uttered. "But I'll be better."
"I can't trust that you'll be better. The one person I thought would never turn on me, turned on me. The one person I thought would never hurt me, they ended up hurting me more than I could imagine. The one person I thought would always be by my side ran away and left me. So, please, Taehyung, tell me why I should trust you now." Jeongguk could feel his tears rush down his pale cheeks the more they spoke. "Why?"
Taehyung felt speechless, looking up at the crying NFL player. He couldn't provide a reasonable response, an acceptable one. He just shut his mouth, trying very hard not to break down more than what he was.
His lips quivered and he placed his head on Jeongguk's chest, arms falling to his side as quiet sobs left his lips. This is not what he thought would happen and it hurt so much.
Jeongguk wrapped his arms around Taehyung and pulled him close to his chest, rubbing his back gently. He tried to relax his own nerves, wanting to calm down but it was harder than he ever imagined.
It hurt like hell. It hurt more than Taehyung ran away. More than he founded out the boy cheated.
It was like they were back together, emotions high and wore proudly on their sleeves. It was like the happily in love like they were once before. And, finally, it was like they were officially breaking up for the first time ever.
Like it was a goodbye.
Taehyung pulled his head back, looking away. He wiped off his fresh tears, feeling his chest tighten up. He wanted to walk away and just cry his heart out in the shower.
Jeongguk felt the pain, feeling it all too well. He didn't want to let go or give up but it felt like the best possible idea.
He, however, pulled Taehyung back and cupped his cheeks in his hands like before. "I will forever cherish the love I once had for you." Jeongguk spoke softly, leaning close and placing a feathery kiss on Taehyung's wet lips. Their tears mixed on the other's face, bodies close together. No lust, no anger.
Maybe it was a goodbye.
________
A/N:
Don't say you hate me. Believe it or not, this is a good step for them. They're getting closure.