Maddy lays on her horn as she swerves around the car in front of us, her foot almost pressed down all the way on the gas. She curses loudly at the other driver like he can hear her when he flips her off, while I hold onto the dash for dear life. I would say I owe her everything for doing this, but finally, after all that we've been through, we're just friends. And this is the kind of things friends do for each other. She didn't even debate it with me when I called her, in fact she hung up before I could finish telling her the whole story and showed up right after, ready to help me catch Jonah before he disappears. She's dedicated to making that happen now, as evidenced by how she blows through the next intersection without stopping.
"Jesus, Maddy! Slow down before you get us killed!" Nobody wants to get there faster than I do, honestly, but I'd like to be in one piece when we do.
"I know what I'm doing! Do you want to make it or not? Geesh, I thought maybe you'd be a little more thankful that I agreed to shlep your ass all the way across town," the sun glints off of her designer sunglasses when she shoots a glare my way. As soon as I start to protest she yanks the wheel dramatically until I hit my head on the window, and whether it's intentional or not, she shrugs, "it's fine, I do this all the time—we'll get there."
"If you say so," I grumble, looking down at my phone to see if anything's changed, if maybe Jonah or Lilah or anybody has decided to call me back. They haven't, which only hammers in what a huge help Maddy really is, so I bite my tongue and use up all that blind faith I've never been good at keeping on her and her driving abilities. "Thanks again for doing this, it means a lot."
"Oh stop, it's the most exciting thing to happen to me in months. Which is really sad come to think of it, but at least I can rub it in Devin's stupid face that I was here to help and he wasn't." Another of Maddy's talents—finding the silver lining in anything, no matter how bitter. After I don't laugh at her obviously hilarious retort she catches me looking at my phone again and rolls her eyes. "Make yourself useful and see if you can find a faster route."
"Just take a left up here, get on the freeway."
"What? The airport's in the complete opposite direction!"
"We're not going to the airport, we're going to the house."
"Why the hell are we going there? Don't you know how this is supposed to work? Seriously?" When she looks at me now, incredulous, it's for longer than a glance, and I'm more than a little nervous that she won't keep her eyes on the road.
"I mean, what else do you expect me to do? If he's already at the airport he'll be gone before we get there, and even if he's not what am I supposed to do then? Jump the fucking gate and make a break for it through customs? This isn't some goddamn Nicholas Sparks' movie, get real." It's a novel idea, and I'm desperate enough that I would probably even try it if it came to that, but this chance—this one, slim chance that they haven't even left the house yet—is the only one I have.
"I love Nicholas Sparks." Maddy says defensively.
"Of course you do. Now would you turn left here, please?" Even though I throw the please in there at the end to be polite, she still mutters about it under her breath as she turns. For the rest of the way there I mostly ignore her commentary, choosing easy one word replies while I unconsciously wring my hands and tap my feet on the floorboard. I've never been a particularly anxious person and I've been in plenty of situations like this before, but nothing has ever felt quite so dire—not even coming out. I don't have to wonder why that is, not when I know what's on the line.
My heart sinks when we pull into the driveway and I see that Jason's car isn't here, but hope refuses to die just yet when I also see that Lilah's still is. I tell Maddy to wait for me as I hop out, almost tripping when I get tangled up in the seatbelt in my rush to get to the door. I knock as calmly as I can my first try, but before I even give Lilah a reasonable chance to waddle to the door I ball my hand into a fist and pound on it frantically instead. She appears then, bewildered, softening only when she sees that it's me.
"Hi, honey. Is everything okay?" Her eyes dart around immediately as she analyzes the situation quickly, taking note of me standing in front of her breathing heavily, and of Maddy over in the driveway. No doubt she's able to make a comfortable jump—pregnant and all—to a succinct conclusion, but I make it easy for her nonetheless.
"Is he here? Jonah?" I try to spare her the agony of the mystery, but she doesn't do the same. After I ask it she just looks at me, pursing her lips, so instead of waiting for any kind of answer I look passed her and call into the house frantically. "Jonah!"
"He's not here!" Lilah's forced to make the confession before she's ready. She sighs deeply and touches the side of my face, running her thumb over my cheek. "They left a while ago, Brent. There's nothing more you could've done."
"What? No." Gone. All of this for nothing. Even when in my heart I always knew I would be too late, why does it hurt so fucking much? The world blurs and my ears start to ring, but Lilah's not finished yet.
"I'm so sorry, do you want to come in and talk about it?" She apologizes like it can fix anything, but the ringing only gets louder when I shake my head and walk back towards the car. Or I thought I shook my head, I'm not completely sure now that I hear her calling after me, but I don't stop. It's too loud in my head and it's like there's a hundred-pound weight on top of me because it feels like I can't breathe either, but I get back into the car with Maddy.
"Are you going to tell me what happened? He's not here, is he? I told you we should've gone to the airport." Everything she says sounds all muffled and wrong, yet I still can't concentrate on anything but the ringing as she goes on and on and on and on. So many familiar and powerful things go through me like tidal waves, and it feels like I might scream right up until I do. Maddy jumps when I yell and punch the dash as hard as I can out of nowhere, finding that once I do the ringing subsides. Then the weight does too, when I break down and start to cry.
"I'm sorry," I whisper my own apology, but for what right now I'm not sure. Punching her car? Wasting her time? This completely inappropriate meltdown I'm having in front of her? I've lived an entire life being strong when it was absolutely necessary, I don't know why I can't do that now, I don't know why I can't stop myself from crying. I turn my face away and try to hide it because I feel so ashamed and overwhelmed, but she touches my back gently when I do.
"It's okay. And it's not too late, we can still go if you want—we might still catch him, you never know. Or, you could call him when he lands in New York and tell him everything you wanted to say then. Just, tell me what you want to do." Her question is dangerous, because my immediate answer is to drink. I don't mention that though, she doesn't deserve to be saddled with my grief, which is why I also don't point out how pointless it would be to still go to the airport—or to even call Jonah later. No matter which way she wants to look at it, it's too late. It's over.
"Take me home." It's over.
"You're joking, right? After all the crap we went through, don't tell me it was just so it could end like this. I'll take you home if that's what you really want, but I refuse to let you give up. I'll come over tomorrow so we can make a plan. Deal?" She's back to finding the silver lining, but I'm back to grappling with the reality of it as she puts the car in gear. I had thought it was done with Jonah before, when we broke up, but having him right there made me feel like maybe it wasn't for forever. Now that he's truly gone I realize how horrible it feels to know that it really is, finally, over.
It's a long and painful drive back to the frat house, and I'm grateful that Maddy doesn't say anything else the whole way there. It feels funny now that Jonah's gone, not like with my dad, it's not a relief. It almost feels like I don't know what to do, what's the right way to get on with my life? All that work I've been doing, and all this way I've come, and I'm back to being so devastatingly heartbroken. I guess that's what it feels like though, to lose someone like him, to have had so much hope that just turns to dust—especially after I left Bill's side for nothing. It seemed impossible before, but maybe karma really is more powerful than destiny.
When we get to the house Maddy gives me one last affirmation before I get out of her car. I thank her for doing what she could, but that's all I have in me as I start up the path, ready to drink. Even my sobriety doesn't feel all that important right now, but I can somehow still remember that it is, so I'll probably just write. Or sleep. After I step up onto the porch I suddenly catch sight of Devin standing off to one side of the door, leaned against the wall as he watches me quietly. It's weird enough, and I almost question him, but then I notice Grace is standing on the other side, watching me in exactly the same way.
"What are you guys doing here?" I ask, praying I don't sound nearly as pathetic as I feel. They don't answer though, not exactly, Devin steps forward with a smile and pats my back hard, trotting down the steps. Grace starts to follow him, but not before nodding her head back towards the house. The foolish thought crosses my mind before I can stop it but I go inside anyway, that same hope roaring back to full flame when I find that maybe destiny has prevailed after all. "Jonah?"
"Brent." Jonah turns to face me, standing in the middle of the room, in the flesh. His brow hangs low and I know that look of sadness on him all too well when he tries to speak, but there are no words.
"You came back," I fill the empty space, taking more than enough hopeful steps forward. I want to touch him, to hold him, to ask him why he's here, to ask him what it means. I want to tell him again all the things I've already said so that this standoff between us can be over. Seeing him here now in my living room, I start to believe that maybe he really does want all those same things, but I can't quite figure out to ask it without being unfair to him.
"I thought maybe you'd show up at the airport, you know, before I got on the plane." He tells me all in one breath, the smallest smile playing on his lips as he considers the silly sentiment. "But I guess that's stupid, this isn't one of those dumb movies."
"No," this is the cruelest hell, having to stand my distance when every part of me is pulled to him so intensely that it hurts. It's that same, undying kismet attraction that I cannot resist, but I love him enough to still give him that space he so desperately needed. "I wanted to, I went to the house, but Lilah said you were long gone."
"You did?" For whatever reason, knowing that is important to him, and that small smile only grows. "I even thought about what I'd say to you if you came, about how this was necessary, or how I wanted a fresh start, or how it takes time to build trust again."
"I know it does, that's what I wanted to tell you—that I would wait as long as it takes." I hang my head.
"You're not listening to me, that's what I thought I would say but its bullshit." Jonah remarks gruffly, a clean break from the grief he'd worn no more than a moment ago. When I glance back at him I see that his expression has changed too, to something more resolved. "I had this whole thing planned out, and when you didn't show up I was surprised by how sad it made me. It broke my heart, and I realized that maybe this isn't what I really wanted after all. I could go to New York—I could—and I could probably learn a lot and even make a name for myself, but how would I ever be happy there if all I can think about is you?"
"That's not what this is, I'm not asking you to give up on your dreams. I don't want that." Being able to say that really is a testament to how far I've come, because everything he said is all I've wanted to hear, but the love I have for him is too powerful, and I don't want to be the one standing in his way anymore.
"Why are you always so stubborn?" With long strides Jonah closes the distance between us, "I'm not giving up on anything, New York was never my dream and there will be other opportunities. Or maybe there won't, I don't know, but even if I never get another shot I'll be fine because, what I do know, is there will only ever be one you."
"But Jonah—", whatever painfully altruistic objections I may still cling onto are silenced when he grabs my face in both of his hands roughly, his lips crashing into mine. It's automatic, in total disregard to right or wrong or fairness or objectivity, and all my common sense disappears when I give in to him. I grab him by the back of the neck to pull him closer, my other arm snaking around his waist to do the same. His breath is shaky and excited as he kisses me fiercely, so much of that passion and desperation and longing coming through when he pushes himself into me harder.
It's like the nightmare ends and I forget about the mistakes I made and the awful fight we had, and I just remember all the best. I remember walking home from work hand in hand, and a tired boy who would always fall asleep on my chest, and how I would try not to breathe too deeply so I wouldn't wake him. I remember the look on his face when I asked him to marry me, and the way he used to cheer for me at every one of my games. It all comes back to me with a kiss that still feels a lot like electric, those sparks continuing to fly when Jonah eventually pulls away, slowly.
"No more excuses. You're it for me too, you're the only thing I can't live without, and I don't want to spend another second away from you—I just want us to be together again." The tender notion falls sweetly on my eager ears when he mumbles it, his hand resting on my chest, right over my heart. He leans his head against mine and I can't fight him, not when I want this more than I've ever wanted anything else. His smile returns as he leans in for another kiss, "I love you, Brent Ian Fox, I've always loved you. And I still want to spend the rest of my life with you."