Chapter 40
Even when people have done me wrong, I never wish for their death. Death is not always the payment for everything a sinner has committed— because everyone in this world is a sinner, and death remains our final destination.
For all the bad things I did in life, I'm still doing my best to reflect and repent. I might not be able to seek forgiveness directly from the people I've had inflicted any pain, and I might not be a woman of God, but I go straight to Him for atonement... and to redeem myself.
Years ago, when I saw the mixture of pain and concern in my mother's eyes, my father's indifference and upsetting stare on me, and the disappointment in Raghnall's eyes toward me... I already knew I failed as a daughter and a sister. But that night, when I cut myself, it wasn't yet time for a wake-up call. That's how stubborn I was... and perhaps until now.
They were expecting me to tell them my problem because I belong to a family where discussion is always open, but instead, I hid it from them, formulated a foolish decision, and acted recklessly that I intentionally hurt the people around me just to protect them.
My muse of the past volatilized when a palm landed on my cheek, stinging and numbing it in pain.
"Ang kapal ng mukha mong pumunta rito!" Daniah Wang, Dwight's mother, pointed her shaking finger at me with nothing but loathe in her eyes.
Dumalo sa akin si Harley na kasama ko ngayon sa sementeryo kung saan inilibing si Dwight. Her stance screamed protectiveness as she stood in front of me. My chin almost touched my collarbone to avoid everyone's stares at me.
"Mrs. Wang," she calmly said. "Nandito lang ho kami para makiramay at hindi para gumawa ng gulo. Kung ayaw niyo po sa presensiya namin dito, aalis na lang kami."
"Makiramay?!" Daniah Wang exclaimed with sarcasm. "My son trusted you, Izzy! I trusted you, too, and even let you sleep in our house that night! But what did you do, huh? You framed him up! Ikaw ang pumatay sa anak ko!"
I bit my bottom lip and swallowed the lump in my throat. She's a mother, and I know where her hate comes from. Dwight died, and I think it is only natural for a mother who loves her child to be hostile to someone who brought her son six feet under.
"Mrs. Wang, when will it sink into your mind that your beloved son, Dwight, is not just a kidnapper but also a rapist. Your son ought to be in prison because he's a criminal!"
My best friend's head turned sideways after the crispy slap echoed. Hinawakan ko ang braso ni Harley at hinila siya palayo kay Daniah Wang. Bumaling ako sa kanya nang nagsilapitan ang ilang bisita niya para pigilan sa ambang paglapit sa amin.
May dalawa pang lumapit sa amin para hilahin kami palayo sa nanay ni Dwight pero hinampas nang malakas ni Harley ang humawak sa braso ko kaya agad ding napalayo.
"H-how dare you!" Daniah Wang's voice was still shaking, as if barely breathing, and crying. "If I only knew you were nothing but a manipulative bitch behind that pretty face of yours, hindi ko hahayaang tumapak ni isang daliri mo sa paa sa pamamahay ko! You! Killed! My! Son!"
Harley stirred from my touch, and she was about to snap back again, but my words escaped from my mouth faster than hers.
"I understand that you are still mad at me, Mrs. Wang, but I want you to know that Dwight, your son, had done something to me and to our former classmate, Fatima. Nagkausap na po kami noon pa man nang nasa kulungan na siya at humingi na rin siya ng tawad sa ginawa niya. I accepted his apology, but what about what he did to Fatima?"
I let out a shaky breath. Marahang pinisil ni Harley ang aking kamay na nakahawak sa kanyang braso.
"It is true that I lured him to let me stay in your house that night so it would be easy for the authorities to catch him. Alam ko pong mali iyon pero... pero si Dwight na rin po mismo ang umamin na may kasalanan din siya. He had no choice but to confess dahil marami na kaming hawak na ebidensya laban sa kanya."
It was all a plan to catch him. Our plan. When I tried to break up with Axasiel that day in our house, it was the day I had told him about everything. From Fatima, the kidnapping and her death that I believed was true and my fault, until Dwight's made-up revenge for her.
Then, he told me that he'd help to investigate and gather pieces of evidence against Dwight. With her father's connection, her mother's money, and even Ajasiel's strategic plan, we were able to collect proofs against Dwight. Kay Aji rin namin nalaman na habang nag-iimbestiga sila, nakausap niya ang nanay ni Fatima at sinabi nitong hindi talaga sigurado kung wala na ba ang anak niya. That only led further investigation to search for Fatima, and the truth unveiled eventually.
Kasama rin sa plano na magpanggap na hiwalay na kami ni Axe para hindi rin magduda si Dwight habang nag-iimbestiga, at dahil na rin sa usapan namin na makikipaghiwalay nga ako. My parents and Harley knew about it, too, and I told them that they should pretend that we were not in good terms because of the fake break up. They opposed my plan at first but I assured them that everything would be all right. That I'd be all right. According to the plan.
Kaya naman sa tuwing magkikita o magsasalubong kami sa campus, nasa paligid man si Dwight o wala, minabuti naming magpanggap na galit sa isa't isa. Kahit nahihirapan at nasasaktan din akong gawin iyon... lalo na sa tuwing nakikita ko ang sakit sa mga mata ni Axasiel kapag nakikita niya kaming magkasama ni Dwight. Sa kagustuhang protektahan sila at ako lang ang madamay, ako na rin pala mismo ang nananakit sila.
I told Dwight about it to earn his sympathy, and he really fell for that. Everything just for my plan.
"Pieces of evidences that were probably made up! You trapped him! Ikaw na mismo ang nagsabi!"
I blinked rapidly. No. Of course, the shreds of evidence were authentic. But yes, I trapped him.
"He kidnapped and raped Fatima multiple times," I continued, ignoring what she just said. "For years, I thought she's already dead but it turned out, Dwight was hiding her. He was using her... and me at the same time. Mrs. Wang, hindi ko po ginustong mamatay si Dwight habang nasa kulungan siya at alam ko po na kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas mula nang makulong siya, hindi niyo pa rin kayang tanggapin ang katotohanang ginawa ng pinakamamahal niyong anak..."
She cried in a man's arms beside her who was trying to pacify her. My tongue cruised over my lips as I watched them throw gazes like they were ready to bury me underground right here.
"Sana po ay maisip niyo rin na hindi lang si Dwight ang biktima rito," Harley said in a cold tone. "Walang may gustong mawala si Dwight. Pinagbabayaran niya na rin ang kasalanan niya sa kulungan dahil inamin niya na rin iyon. Alam niya ang kasalanan niya. Kaya bakit ayaw niyo pang tanggapin ang katotohonan na iyon? Hindi po ba kayo naaawa sa kaibigan ko? Sa kay Fatima at sa nanay niya? Na mga biktima ng mga ginawa ng anak niyo?"
Pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon ay may lumapit sa amin na matangkad na babae at kasingtangkad ni Harley. My mouth hung open when she pushed me on my chest that I almost tripped backwards.
"Umalis na kayo rito! Hindi namin kayo kailangan dito!"
Harley aggressively pushed the girl back. "Don't you fucking dare lay a finger on her or else!"
"Or else, what?!"
"Harley, that's enough!" I tugged her arm. "Let's just go home..."
Taking her away from those people was nearly a hard row to hoe. Her car door slammed close with a thud after she plopped into her seat beside me. Inabot ko ang box ng tissue na nasa dashboard at kumuha roon bago ibinigay sa kanya.
"Calm down, Li."
She pinned me an irate look. I noticed the red mark on her left cheek, probably because of Daniah's slap.
"How would I calm down when those people hurt you? Not just once but twice, Eria! Sa harap ko!"
I smiled a little. "I thought we should always remain patient and kind even if it is hard?"
"Yes! I can always be kind and patient! But not when those people hurt you right before my eyes!" She raked her hair from her forehead to the back using her fingers.
"But I am fine." My voice was low. "It's nothing compared to Dwight's mother's feeling right now."
"No, babe," she argued. "It is natural for us—I mean us," she said, motioning her finger at herself and then to me. "To be empathetic after what happened to her dear son. But you should not compare two different kinds of pain and weigh what's more painful. Your pain is valid. Her pain is valid. What's not valid is putting all the blame on you just because she can't accept the fact that her son died behind bars paying for the crime he had committed."
I tore my eyes off her and folded my arms across my chest. She exhaled loudly.
"Balak mo pang pumunta nang mag-isa, ha? E, baka kung hindi ako sumama, hayaan mo lang ang sarili mo na api-apihin ka roon!"
"Hindi naman."
"They should be thankful that we are trained, as I can say, to be patient and kind enough to handle this kind of situation. Difficult situation, difficult people. Dahil kung hindi, baka unang sampal pa lang sa 'yo kanina ng nanay ni Dwight, nasampal ko na rin siya."
My fingers dug into my palm. "No, you would not."
"Oh, I definitely would. You know how I could be violent when someone hurt you back then. Right before my eyes or even from my back, whoever they are. I'm just controlling myself, Eria. Kung hindi ko lang natutuhang magpigil, hindi ito ang landas na tatahakin ko. I won't be who I am right now if it's not because of you—if it's not for you. Alam mo 'yan."
A moment of silence kinged between us. My cheeks warmed when I remembered something from a couple of years ago. Shaking my head to brush off the idea and clearing my throat, I twirled my head in her direction and found her staring at me.
I also prolonged my gaze on her and spotted the subtle dark bags under her round eyes hiding behind the thin layer of her makeup. She just graduated months ago and currently works as a hotelier in a 5-star hotel in Makati.
"Umalis na tayo rito. You still have a duty tonight," I told her.
Her eyes narrowed. "You are blushing. What were you thinking just now?"
"Wala!"
She didn't draw out her eyes on me for another series of seconds until she jerked her chin lightly.
"Saan ba kita ihahatid? Sa bahay niyo na?"
"Just drop me off to the nearest LRT station. Baka ma-late ka pa sa trabaho mo mamaya kapag dumiretso pa sa bahay."
"Alright."
I checked my phone while she was starting her car. There are missed calls and messages from Axasiel and Raghnall. Ang group chat muna namin para sa research ang binuksan ko. Mga chat agad ni Mason ang bumungad.
Mason (Lider niyong pagod na punyeta):
@IZZY ASTURIAS @JAMAICA JOY ASAN NA PAPEL NIYO MGA BABAITA ANO NA
Mason (Lider niyong pagod na punyeta):
I SEEN NIYO PUNYETA MAMAYA NA PASAHAN NITO
Mason (Lider niyong pagod na punyeta):
KUKURUTIN KO MGA UTONG NIYO SIGE
The last message earned 3 laughing emojis and I added another one. Nagta-type pa lang ako nang nauna na siyang mag-chat ulit.
Mason (Lider niyong pagod na punyeta):
Kaya today, Izzy?
Izzy (Chef Canton):
pwede bukas na lang???
Mason (Lider niyong pagod na punyeta):
Yung grade mo pwedeng singko na lang?
Izzy (Chef Canton):
HSHSHSHSHSHS T_T
SENDING NA NGA
SA EMAIL MO NA LANG NAKA-CP LANG AKU
PDF BA
Mason (Lider niyong pagod na punyeta):
Kahit i-mp3 mo na sige
Ako na magko-convert into docs para sa 'yo mahal na reyna
My mood somehow lighted because of Mason. Kapag naging kagrupo talaga siya at mas lalong kapag naging lider, walang kaibi-kaibigan sa kanya. Mabait naman siyang lider at kagrupo pero istrikto lang talaga pagdating sa pasahan. He's always one step ahead of us. At kung kagrupo pa namin ang tatlo, baka tuluyan na lang siyang sumuko sa amin.
Nasa LRT station na ako nang bumuhos ang ulan. Ngayon ko pinagsisihan na hindi gumamit ng sasakyan. Sobrang haba ng pila. Wala pang laman 'yong beep card ko kaya mas natagalan pa.
Nakauwi naman akong buhay kahit pa medyo nabasa dahil walang dalang payong. Nakasabit na lang sa braso ko ang itim na coat na parte ng uniform namin ngayong senior year. Front office uniform is our regular uniform since last year.
"I'm home!" I announced the moment I opened the door.
I combed my hair with my fingers and turned my heels, only to catch sight of Axe in our living room. In his signature white shirt and grey khaki shorts, his long legs took long strides toward my direction. He automatically placed his hand on my waist and dipped his head to kiss my forehead. Ngumisi ako at hinalikan siya sa pisngi bago bahagyang lumayo.
"'Di mo ako sinabihan na pupunta ka rito," puna ko at humaba ang nguso. "Didn't see your car outside."
"I didn't bring the car," he answered. "I was waiting for your callback. You haven't read my messages?"
My lips thrust forward to their extent. Naglakad na kami papunta sa sala habang nasa likod ko pa rin ang kanyang kamay.
"I'm sorry. Inasikaso ko lang 'yong sa research namin tapos hindi ko na na-check ang ibang messages. Balak kong mag-reply sana ngayong nakauwi na pero nandito ka pala."
Tumango siya at ngumiti nang tipid. "I understand. Magpalit ka na po muna..."
Tumingin-tingin ako saglit sa paligid. "Where's Ral, by the way?"
"Out."
"Out?" Kumunot ang noo. "Umuulan, ah?"
He blinked away, and his shoulders lifted. "May kikitain po yata."
"Kikitain!" bulalas ko habang tinititigan siya. "Ah, that bella!"
Ngumiti ako nang malawak. Naningkit ang mata ni Axe sa akin sa pagtataka kung bakit siguro ako nakangiti.
"Oh... so did he know that we are left alone here in our house?" I asked. "Nasa France si Mama para sa isang cooking competition kaya wala rito. Si Papa, nasa Batanes. Parehong hindi uuwi."
His lips parted as if realization had just hit him. His hand abandoned my arm like he was suddenly burnt by merely touching the white fabric of the long sleeves and hugging my arm.
I threw my coat on the sofa and flipped my hair over my shoulders before pulling my necktie to untie the knot. Umangat ang sulok ng aking labi nang umatras siya at tumingin-tingin sa paligid habang namumula ang pisngi at tainga.
"Izzy, do you want some cake? M-May dala ako—"
"I don't want some cake. I want you," I sliced him off and winked.
His brows met, and he continued to step backward while I advanced. When I began unbuttoning the first button of my long sleeves, his eyes finally snapped in my direction, and he halted from shying away from me.
He smiled, holding my hands to stop me from what I was doing. My smirk grew wider.
"I'll prepare the cake. Go upstairs and change your clothes first, please."
I pouted and craned my head back. "Kiss muna."
I let myself embrace the chaste and fleeting kiss he bestowed on my lips for my relish. It was already enough for me—more than, even. But when our lips detached, I shivered when his other hand fondled the back of my neck, pulling me closer to his face and almost devouring my mouth, making me chuckle.
I pressed my palms on his chest and gently pushed him, shooting him a teasing grin.
"Look who's craving kisses," I jested and continued, "As you should. Hindi puwedeng ako lang."
"Thank you," he breathed and closed his eyes, blushing, and a short soft chuckle followed.
I barked out a laugh. I cupped his cheeks and felt their warmth underneath my palm. His throat bobbed when he flipped his eyelids open to reveal his hungry but rather innocent spheres.
Aside from being good at making my heart jump in euphoria in every little thing he does to me and with every kiss he gives me, his tongue's talent when it comes to making out could kill me for sucking and drinking all my vigor.
"I must change," I said, still beaming at him. "And you should prepare our merienda. The cake."
Kinagat niya ang ibabang labi at nanatiling nakatungo sa akin. "Yes. The cake."
"The cake that is probably sweeter than me."
His head bobbled. "Yes, the cake that is... I mean, no!" he quickly revoked his words.
The corner of his lips tipped down as he pulled me into his chest for a hug, setting his head on the side of my neck.
"Stop it, please," he mumbled softly, tickling me. "I know what you're doing..."
I giggled. Pagkatapos kong kunin ang gamit sa sofa ay umakyat na rin ako sa itaas at bumungad sa pinto ko ang isang yellow paper na may nakasulat na, "AXASIEL'S NOT ALLOWED INSIDE THIS ROOM WHILE I'M GONE." It was even written using my handwriting style.
Humagalpak ako sa tawa at hinayaan na lang muna iyon doon. After changing into a spaghetti trap and sweatpants, I brought my phone with me before I slipped out of the room and climbed down the stairs.
"Ral left you a note."
Lumapit ako kay Axasiel nang sabihin niya iyon. Inilapag niya sa lamesita ang dalawang platito kung nasaan ang hiniwang cake na dala niya.
I read the note he gave me, which said, "Just in case you have not read my text yet (since you're not answering my call), I will be back before dinner, Ate. Don't dirty our house, please." Sa likod ay inutusan pa akong mag-grocery at sinabi kung saan nakalagay ang iniwang pera para doon.
Ngumisi ako. I climbed onto the sofa using my knees and settled myself beside Axasiel who was holding out the saucer plate with a slice of cake. I tucked my crossed legs underneath me and placed my phone on my side.
Dinukot niya sa bulsa ang kanyang phone at binuksan iyon. I leaned on his shoulder and took a peek on his screen. May tumatawag. Miss Wina ang pangalan.
He declined the call and glanced over me.
"Nabasa mo na po?" tukoy niya sa note na hawak ko. "Wala naman akong gagawin kaya sasama na lang ako sa 'yo mag-grocery ngayon."
"Bakit hindi mo sinagot? Kaklase mo 'yon, ah?"
I have already explored his phone before, and he let me do anything with it. Wala naman akong masyadong tiningnan bukod sa mga game app na naroon at sa contacts niya. All the names of his girl classmates—which he said for very important academic purposes only, and there were only ten numbers as far as I can recall—I found out that there's always a 'Miss' before their first name.
"Nakausap ko na siya kanina," simpleng sagot niya.
"Nakausap mo na kanina? Bakit tawag nang tawag pa?"
He sighed. Kumuwit siya sa cake gamit ang tinidor at isinubo sa akin. He watched me munch the dessert.
"It's about my application in the US..."
I shifted on my seat and faced him. "Oh? Anong meron doon?"
"I pulled out my application—"
Bumagsak ang hawak ko sa aking hita. "You pulled out? Ha? Bakit? 'Yong sa exchange program ito, hindi ba? Hindi ka tutuloy?"
Kumunot ang noo niya.
"Bakit hindi ka tutuloy, Axasiel?"
He lowered his gaze. "I already told you that I won't go."
"Pero sayang 'yon, Axasiel! Ang sabi mo ay may allowance naman! The scholarship! The opportunity! Bakit hindi ka pa tutuloy?"
"Why are you still upset?" he asked in a worried tone. "You were also upset with me when I told you about it last week..."
"Oh my gosh, Axe!" I shut him off, uncurling my legs and putting the saucer on the table. "So, parang kasalanan ko pa na hindi ka tutuloy? Ganoon?"
Napalunok siya. Ibinaba niya ang hawak sa lamesita at sinubukang hawakan ang aking braso kaya naman lumayo ako. His lips parted and the apparent fright flashed in his eyes.
"That's not what I—"
"Yes, I was upset when you told me about it! Pero hindi naman dahil lang sa aalis ka! Kundi dahil sinabi mo iyon kung kailan malapit ka nang aalis! You should have told me about it at least months beforehand if you were really concerned with my feelings so I could prepare myself! Because you know that for almost three years in our relationship, we've never been separated for too long!"
Tuluyan nang nawalan ng kulay ang kanyang mukha, lalo na ang labi niya pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon. Nang tumayo ako ay ganoon din ang ginawa niya para hawakan ang baywang ko at pigilan sa ambang pag-alis.
"That's why I don't want to pursue that exchange program. Hindi dahil lang sa nagalit ka... kundi dahil ayaw ko ring umalis dito at iwan ka. The idea of leaving you here for at most half a year pains me, too," he said silently as if trying to convince me.
I looked away when he gently pulled me into him. My throat was clogged with suppressed sobs seeking freedom through my lips.
"M-Magiging ayos lang ako rito." I nudged his side. "So take that opportunity. Ilang... b-buwan lang naman," I said to him and to myself.
Bumuntong hininga siya at hinilig ang aking ulo sa kanyang dibdib kung saan rinig na rinig ko ang mabilis na pintig ng puso niya.
"I hate putting off important things if I can just do it now. I hate throwing chances if I have it now. I know that in life, we will be apart from each other. That time will come... for us to grow individually until we can make it together. But not now, please..." he whispered in his shaking voice.
"Axasiel..." Tumingala ako sa kanya pero hinawakan niya ang ulo ko at ibinalik sa kanyang dibdib.
"I'm sorry if you think I'm being... immature. I promise I'm not going to blow another opportunity like this in the near future unless our relationship is compromised. Just not now, Izzy. Please, don't let me go now..."