{twenty-eight}
i need her
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the bell rings and i jump, only to realize it's the end of school. without a sound, i pull my body out of my chair, drifting out of math class with my bag. head down, still stuck on my inhale.
it had been a week since patrick was arrested and the incident with zayn happened. i had spent the entirety of my days without much to say. somehow natalie didn't mind my aloofness, strangely, she allowed me to aimlessly roam alongside her, searching for answers in the breaches of my mind. too wrapped up in myself and what will happen next that i haven't realized that someone special is beside me, waiting patiently for my consideration.
it occurred to me on the friday afternoon that my fear was entirely misplaced. i spent the majority of my time locked away in my room, unable to breathe when a gust of wind blew against my window in a certain way that would send panic down my spine. i had spent far too long convincing myself that the sounds i'd hear alone in the shower or the rustling of bushes as i walked home from school were in fact sinister. when in actuality, nothing had ever happened. i wasn't grabbed in the middle of the night or attacked in my room as much as i suspected i would be. after that day, when i escaped from zayn after what he had done to me -- i thought i had everything to lose.
i had confronted someone who was capable of anything. of course i was afraid.
yet, as seven excruciating days passed, i realized that it had been far too long to expect anything to happen anytime soon. a lot of damage could be done in a week - and my silence seemed to make me safer than i had ever been. it seemed i had the advantage and zayn didn't know what to do with that. he had done something he couldn't take back and now the ball is in my court, waiting to be dropped. so instead of thinking irrationally - zayn did the smart thing to do which was to disappear.
i, however, was just filling in time.
after a while, it dawns on me that my attention had been on entirely in the wrong place. it was natalie that required my attention. the glowing force of someone special, sparkling amongst a crowd of dull lights. waiting patiently for someone so wrapped up in themselves to realize that she's beside me -- willing to hang around. instead of vanishing, she smiled in the silence as i tried to claw myself out of the burrow i had dug myself into. at that point, i realized i couldn't fuck this up. i couldn't lose her.
i didn't know how to explain to her why i insisted on walking her home every afternoon. or to her obnoxious friends that whenever she wasn't around, my body would tense up into a rigid mess until she'd appear again. i couldn't tell her that the fear of losing her had completely consumed me into an unresponsive ghost living off of her warmth. i couldn't tell her that after that day -- when the fire alarms went off at school for 'no apparent reason' and i disappeared -- that i haven't slept since.
but when i stare at natalie who walks alongside me, as her honey-brown hair dances past her cheeks in the wind, i realize i'm completely selfish. because even if i assigned myself as her personal bodyguard without disclosure, it still wasn't enough. inevitably -- i'm just protecting her from myself. from the mess i started. i'm too greedy to walk away from someone too good for me. because for the first time in my life, the feeling that resides in my chest when i look at her is relief.
"hey, where did you go?" suddenly i hear her voice and just the sound of it yanks me out of my tormented mind. i almost had to thank her, because i completely lost myself for a second there. once i take in my surroundings, i realize we're outside of school and walking towards the mall with her bizarre friends. and for once, i wasn't alone.
i've always enjoyed listening to natalie talk, even if i have nothing compelling to add. her voice was always bridging on hilarity, even when she became passionate and got increasingly louder and ruthless. she spoke with her hands and let her whole body rattle with whatever she's feeling in the moment. even if the entire room found her to be explosive and too brash, she didn't care. if she left the entire room in flames and rubble after her, it only made her smile more.
however, now, it's completely different. her eyes are gentle and she sounds small, as if she didn't want to wake the beasts swaggering in front of us. the more i blink, the faint sensation of her fingers curling around my wrist anchors me back down to earth. the emerald freckles in her serene eyes surrender me into a lul, where i can taste the fresh air on my tongue and the biting breeze that twists around my body. like a sail flailing in the wind, i hold on to her heat and breathe out, letting my body lean into the force of her. dangling over the edge, my heels press into the souls of my shoes and i hang on.
"uh, i..." my voice is far too hoarse to pretend that i'm not panicking. she lets go of my lower arm, trying not to pressure me. when in actuality, the second she's not touching me anymore, my pulse stutters across my neck warningly. the withdrawal of her only causes my rapid heartbeat to thrash inside of my chest painfully. i swallow the nerves clawing up my throat, trying not to freak her out, "yeah, yeah -- i'm good."
clearly, i don't sound good. she's completely aware of this, as she whispers under her breath, "are you sure?"
i had no idea know how to handle it when someone pays attention to me. especially not her, when she's standing in front of me with her pink cheeks and rosy lips looking at me with concern. natalie is so beautiful that sometimes i struggle to stare into her pale eyes, as her striped shirt rustles in the wind across her hips. i want to brush the caramel hair that hangs over her eyes behind her ears and let her kindness consume me, but i just can't. i'm too afraid. everything is beginning to make sense and i'm not sure if i can handle it. my doom is racing towards me with promise, tangling around my ankles and pulling me under.
it was clear that something bad was going to happen sometime soon -- i just couldn't let her drown with me.
"sorry, i'm... being a major space cadet," i murmur, flickering my gaze towards her friends walking ahead of us. kris, the blonde-haired punk, is on her fourth cigarette and wrapped around one of the boys that usually hang around in hopes to get lucky. she's cackling loudly about something and the garish boy is growing impatient, tightening his fingers around her waist. she's torturing him with her careless ways, fluttering away from his heat and then teasingly entwining herself around him when he slips away. gus, the naive fool that doesn't quite fit in amongst them, is kicking his soccer ball aimlessly with another kid i don't recognize.
they make me want to disappear. except her, except natalie--
"hey, let's leave these bozos behind. fuck the movie." she seems to have the ability to read minds, as i stand on the skirts of warmth. her smile is perfectly toothy in all the ways that make my chest throb with want. the feeling resides across my ribcage heavily, nesting safely in her presence. her eyebrow quirks with careful interest, as if she might be overstepping. "want to come and hang at my house?"
"yeah," i don't even have to think about it, "i'd like that."
this seems to make her happy, or at least satisfied that i want her around. her cautiousness confuses me, how could she not see how smitten i am by her? i lean in closer, needing to count the little freckles on her chin. her body makes my pulse ticker across my neck and the closer i get, i can see her heartbeat thumbing across her pale chest rapidly. the world blurs past us, as she inhales deeply and expands her sternum in a way that makes me delirious. the hushed sound of her breathless voice awakens me from my daydream, as she asks, "how fast can you run?"
for the first time in a while, i genuinely smile. my cheeks tense from the foreign feeling, as i take a glance at the pack of fiends marching ahead of us. natalie gazes up at me, as i reach my hand out towards hers. i clasp my fingers around hers, as her cheeks pinken. i whisper, "get on my back."
her eyes sparkle and without hesitation, i hoist her small body around me. she laughs quietly and it's the best thing i've ever heard, as her thighs cling around my waist tightly. i feel her desire now, up against mine, as her arms flop over my shoulders onto my chest. my hands burn holes into her thighs, as she presses her full breasts into the thin fabric across my back. i try to control the thrumming need in my fingers as she hangs the upper half of her body over my neck. brushing past my ear, murmuring to me, "i like it up here."
god, i'm not sure how much more i can take.
"hold on." i secure her against me, and soon enough i'm breaking off into a full-blown sprint.
this seems to make her laugh hysterically as she bounces in the wind behind me, tightening her hands across my shoulders. she sounds so happily exquisite that i can't help but chuckle with her, trying not to fall onto the pavement in front of me. we must look like nutcases as we roar down the street with laughter. i didn't understand how we could shift from shameless flirting to a genuine, unadulterated friendship within the span of seconds. but i couldn't deny how content i felt when we embraced each other's absurdity and let ourselves be exactly who we are without any judgment. her friends, however, suddenly notice us and immediately scream in protest down the street.
"hey, what the fuck?!" i hear kris howl down the suburban neighborhood as natalie snorts above me, "where are you guys going?!"
the little hellion on top of me only rises to the challenge and shouts, "we're not watching that lame-ass movie that's for sure!" i snicker at that as she flips her middle finger at them.
"fuck you dude!" kris quarrels and natalie makes sure to get the last word in.
"you wish, bitch." she finishes, cackling as i continue to run forward. running on the feeling bubbling inside of my chest, beaming with how good it feels to be alive. the further away we get, i begin to slow down into a lazed walk, hoping she wouldn't want to get off me. she doesn't move to split apart and somehow it only makes me happier.
"you have no idea how much fun i'm having insulting people when you're fast enough to save me from getting my ass beat." natalie hugs her arms around my shoulders, questioning innocently, "how the hell did you become such a fast runner?"
"my dad." i say, and then burst out laughing again. she giggles along with me but i can tell it's bothered her. i don't elaborate much more from there.
she notices and changes the subject, "well, i might just have to sell my car and make you my new mode of transportation."
i twist my neck around to look at her hanging over my shoulder, as the sun beats down onto her sandy hair. her lashes fan across her cheeks and her lips are so close, i grin, "it's gonna cost you."
"oh yeah? and how do i repay you?" she licks her bottom lip and quips back.
kiss me. push me onto the grass and use me in whatever way you want.
"--alcohol." i wheeze out.
"i can do that." she recovers. thank god -- because i didn't.
-
it seems as though i'm really drunk once the fairy lights above me begin to blur. natalie's bedroom is whirring past me as my feet stumble around in a pathetic attempt to dance. despite how belligerent we both are after half a bottle of smirnoff, natalie somehow twists her body in the most infatuating ways possible. her hips sway along to the music playing in her room and i can't help but gawk at how incredibly endearing she is. under the dim light, she's grinning ear to ear and i'm unable to stop the hammering of my pulse across my neck at the sight of her.
she isn't like anyone i've ever known.
her bedroom is warm and the walls are covered with her bizarre drawings. her parents aren't home and we're drinking their alcohol, listening to her favorite albums from the 80's, and, basically — i'm just trying to keep up with her. i feel happy and safe when i stare at her, smiling and singing to a particular song i enjoy from gary numan, from a song called 'are friends electric?' the singer questions — 'i wonder what i'm doing in a room like this?' i ask the same question, letting my body dance in all the worst ways possible.
she doesn't care that i look like a fool, instead she reaches out and touches my hands. her fingers card through mine and the closer her warmth feels to mine, unexpectantly, an influx of panic resides in my chest. this sick feeling pulses through me, like i might collapse at any moment, as the song drones on. everything is beginning to speed up in front of me and suddenly i can't take it. numan sings another line — 'and just for a second i thought i remembered you.'
it hits me right in my chest, as i blink and in a flash, i'm staring into cold brown eyes. a boy devoid of warmth, someone with bad intentions. someone i can't trust. my body freezes and suddenly i feel like his hands are on me again, twisting around my neck and letting my body go limp against his. the pain of the memory surges through my sternum as it travels along my pelvis to my feet. my throat closes and i can feel fingers pressing into my flesh with the intent to bruise, sinking into my bloodstream without mercy. i can't breathe and he's laughing now, letting his body shake with his hysteria. it's as if i'm standing across from a stranger, as his teeth bare at me and my eyes well up with tears. squeezing my eyes shut, i stumble backwards.
he's going to hurt me. my body thuds.
"hey, hey — maybe we had too much to drink. let's sit down." natalie catches me and helps me to the ground, across her colorful carpet. i lean back and let myself lie across the floor, as my heart tears a hole through my chest. my eyes are tightly closed, trying to reign in some control over my panic. it's not real, i tell myself, but even i don't believe it. i can feel natalie's comfort beside me, sitting only a small space apart, as she hesitates to touch me. my chest heaves up and down as the pressure of my fear lays across my legs, keeping me paralyzed. in position -- waiting for it. waiting for him.
natalie decides to get up, tripping over a bit, murmuring out, "i'm going to get us water."
it feels like torture waiting for her to come back. like i might just sink into her floor and never get out. the second i feel her next to me, i feel like i can breathe again. my body aches across the ground and the ceiling above blurs with my watery vision. suddenly natalie is sitting cross legged from me as i try to swallow the tightening in my throat. but it seems i'm stuck on my shaky exhale, too scared to move.
"you should try and sip this," she tries to smile, leaning across the bedframe behind her. the sound of her sweet voice awakens me from my nightmare a little, as she holds out a glass of water. it's cold enough to leave the imprints of her fingertips behind, the condensation dripping across her knuckles. she continues, as i stay stuck across her carpet, "i know this sounds stupid, but for some reason -- whenever i feel this way, the feeling of cold water calms me down. just on my hands or on my tongue, i think it just snaps me out of it."
i listen to her intently, as my body slowly stirs up into a half slouch. leaning across my elbows, i gaze deep into her eyes, wondering how on earth i met someone like her. i try not to mull over the thought of her in this state, because the idea of her feeling this way pierces my chest with concern. my mind is short-circuiting and i'm trying not to become even more senseless, so i hope to god that whatever makes her feel this way isn't because of someone like zayn.
my hand brushes past hers as i slowly take the glass from her fingers. i nod quickly and shakily take a deep breath in, sipping the cold water in my grasp. as soon as the icy feeling hits my lips, i start to understand what she meant. the slight pang across my teeth at the feeling of it rouses me out of my dissociation. something so small and simple seems to work right away and the blur starts to fade.
i sit upright and open my eyes, staring at her with a sense of stability i have never felt before. she smiles with relief swimming in her eyes and my cheeks warm at the sight of it. my voice is only above a whisper, as i feel myself come down from it all. she doesn't make me feel embarrassed by my outburst, instead she sits perfectly still and lets me breathe. "thank you, really."
"of course, liam." she murmurs sincerely and i place the glass back onto the ground, feeling my rapid infatuation hammer through me. the way i feel about her makes my hands shake and considering with how loose i am right now, i couldn't really hide it. she's beautiful in the dim light and a part of me wonders if it'd be okay if i leaned in closer. if i could touch her hair and her cheeks, if i could kiss her and tell her how much i need her. if she would let me.
"after that day, when i..." i hear her murmur, breaking me away from my daydream. she's slightly nervous but it's a comfortable pause, as she continues, "before the fire alarm went off. do you remember?"
i flashback to the moment when i stared at her in the hallway and for the first time in my life, i felt like maybe everything would be okay. that in that moment, i wondered if this is what i've been searching for my entire life. that all the time i spent alone suddenly felt worth it when she pierced my chest with her finger. her green eyes shimmer and i can barely contain how much i so desperately need to touch her.
"yeah," i say, moving closer to her so that she begins to stare up at me, as my shoulder brushes past her arm. she's so cute when she's beside me, her lips pouting sweetly and her chest stuttering for breath. i'm sucked into her warmth, unable to let go, "i do." god, i do.
"did i go too far?" she asks me seriously, as she sinks her teeth into her pretty bottom lip nervously. the sight of it nearly makes me lose any control i thought i had, wanting so badly to kiss her and card my fingers through her hair. it's so unlike her to become so worried over something like this. just the fact she's doubting herself makes me wonder how much more i could adore her and she wouldn't even realize.
"did i freak you out?" she asks genuinely. so much so, that i actually laugh. god, how could she be so unbelievably gorgeous and clueless at the same time?
my laughter makes her recoil suddenly. her hands begin to block her face, as she stutters, "fuck, i'm sorry. i-i knew i was being weird and--"
before she continues, i reach forward to pull her hands away from her face. without any more notice, i kiss her. my lips are soft and unassuming, not wanting to overstep too much. but nonetheless, i kiss her with everything i have left. my fingers wrap around her wrists, pressing in to feel her pulse skyrocket through her. as soon as it clicks in and she realizes i'm completely into her -- a sound escapes her lips. it's this small moan i can't forget and god, i'm done for.
i press my lips against hers briskly, needing to take a breath. we're on the floor leaning on her bed and her lips are red with affection. i'm holding onto her closely, as she pants with surprise and lingers closer to me for more. my hands sway down to her waist as my fingers buzz with want, whispering into her mouth, "i think about you all the time."
her eyes flutter open into a soft gaze, appearing to look stunned by my admission. she murmurs my name quietly, lost in the heat of my need, "liam..."
she pushes forward and latches her hands across my shoulders, swiveling her body around to face me. i eagerly take in her openness, brushing my hands down her thighs and wrapping one of her legs around my waist. my lips find my way on her delicate mouth, sucking at her bottom lip and trying to reel more sounds out of her. natalie is so responsive to my advances that i'm beginning to get lost in it. the warmth in between her legs drives me up the wall, as i pull her against my chest. being with someone who wants me as much i want them is completely foreign to me, so i revel in it.
she keens deep in her throat when i trail my mouth down her neck, hushing sweetly into her flesh, "i really like you." i'm on top of her now, as she lies on the carpet and runs her fingers through my hair. i'm lying between her thighs and i can feel everything now, the way her body reacts to me pressed into her warmth. my pants feel tight now and the friction from her circling her hips against me isn't helping the situation. the feeling of me against her core only elicits more delicate sound out of her, as i suck on her neck with biting kisses.
"i-i like you too, a bit too much." she admits, out of breath. i wonder if this is how this should always feel -- kissing someone who wants you and feeling comfortable to be intimate with someone you like far too much for your own good. when i roam down her freckly skin towards her chest, this is all entirely new for me, yet completely familiar. she seems to really like it when my hand plays with her bra, wanting to feel her on my mouth. she arches up into my lips, as i mouth at her breasts and unhook her bra. as if i couldn't adore her enough, without any hesitation, she rips her shirt off and pants out, "i wanted this the second i met you."
her chest is completely bare and she's confident with herself, running on the adrenaline that pricks at her veins. she's completely sexy when she grins at me, reaching her fingers out to pull at the hem of my shirt. i smile and take mine off as well, diving forward and mouthing across her plump breasts. i feel my need tightening in my throat, flatting my tongue across her nipple as she hiccups with pleasure. her skin is so soft and the way she grinds on my cock is enough to make me lose my mind. i couldn't understand why natalie let me do this with her, why i deserve her in this way. i didn't feel worthy when i roam down her stomach, murmuring, "you're too good..." her legs quiver sensitively when i brush past her navel, continuing, "too good for me."
i hold onto her hips, gazing up at her chest from between her legs. she's twisting and turning across the ground and touching her breasts mindlessly. she isn't afraid to enjoy herself and that's why i love to look at her and experience her from below. i don't want this to be about me, i just wanted to watch her in her most carnal state. she's free with her body and doesn't care about being too loud or too provocative. she's just herself and that's exactly what i'm attracted to. even if i'm merely an observer, she's too lost in the way i mouth across her thighs to flip this around onto me.
and i was glad -- because i didn't know if i was ready yet.
"i don't know who made you feel like you're not enough." she hums out as i continue to press kisses into her thighs. i'm far too enthralled with the way her body moves and the way she trembles with lust while i'm between her legs. she sucks on her bottom lip and clasps on my hair absentmindedly and lets me take control. without any hesitation, she trusts me and i trust her.
disregarding her question, i hook my fingers into her underwear and tug them across her hips. while i'm pulling at them ever so slowly, i find myself murmuring into her warmth, "i want to taste you."
"shit," she moans out at the filthy-ness of my words, sputtering and nodding,"jesus, liam -- yes."
the second my tongue touches her, she starts to scream out. between her thighs and sucking at how wet she is for me, i realize how different sex is with someone who is safe. someone who doesn't fight for dominance or tries not to enjoy it too much. someone who looks at me with fondness and open intensity. someone that doesn't dig their fingernails into my scalp with the intent to hurt enough to remind me who's in control. natalie doesn't shove me or mutter out insults, she is without an ulterior motive. she's with someone she likes, a guy who's flicking his tongue across a particularly sensitive spot inside of her. someone she assumes is good.
and i wondered if i had always been good, if she found it in me. especially when she comes quickly and lets her body shake with it. if i'm good at this -- being with her like this. that maybe i'd be okay if she was mine. maybe i'd forget about him someday.
move on with someone new.
someone good.
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