Chapter 21
Natulala ako. Para akong nabingi at nanlalabo ang paningin dahil sa mga luhang sumusubok na kumawala sa mga mata ko.
The hope that I have was slowly becoming blur. The hope to see her, to feel her warmth, to hear her voice and talk to her again, was slowly fading.
N-No... Athena is not dead! Mathilde's just making fun of me. Athena can't be dead, right? She's healthy when I left her, how come...
"Y-You're.... You're.... You're lying! Athena's not dead. Nasa States lang siya... Makikita ko pa siya! Wearing her lab gown as what we promised. Y-You're lying, Mathilde! Stop joking around!" I said but my heart was shattering as Mathilde's tears continues to fell and her lips quivering.
She laughed at me and she wiped away her tears when the waitress came and served her orders. Mathilde thanked her and she walked away swiftly, giving us some privacy.
Mathilde looked at me with hurtful eyes. She closed her eyes, and the emotions she had automatically went gone when she opened her eyes again. It was like the emotions I've seen earlier wasn't there at the first place, at all.
"Stop being plastic, Elaine. Alam kong masaya ka dahil nalaman mong wala na talaga siya, hindi ba? Na hindi na siya babalik, 'di ba?"
Natigilan ako sa sagot niya. Bawat pagbigkas niya ng salita ay may diin, may halong galit. Agad akong umiling habang nararamdaman ko ang paninikip ng dibdib ko.
"Ikaw ang sinungaling!" she spatted angrily as she pointed at me.
I can feel other people eyeing us as we make a scene, but I did not mind them at all.
"You're selfish, Elaine! Don't act like you care about Athena kasi makasarili ka—"
"I cared for her dahil best friend ko siya! K-Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit... Bakit wala man lang nagsabi sa akin na wala na siya... B-bakit hindi niyo sinabi sa akin? I'm her friend... B-best friend ko siya..." Napayuko ako at hinayaang tumulo ang mga luha sa aking mga mata.
"I hate you, Elaine. And now, you'll ask why did the people around you did not bother to tell you the truth that Athena's dead? You don't deserve it! You're selfish!"
Nanlalaki ang mata akong tumingin sa kaniya dahil sa pagkabigla sa mga salitang binitawan niya. Tears are forming in the sides of her eyes and her lips quivered as she looked at me.
"You took the opportunity to marry Zeiger when you knew that Athena was gone! That the both of them ended! And now you'll have the guts to tell me that you have the right to know the truth just because you're her best friend? Ahas ka! A-Athena don't deserve you as her best friend! You don't deserve to have Zeiger! You don't deserve the both of them! I don't see anything special with you, yet you have Athena and now Zeiger. How unfair." Her tears fell.
"I was there for Athena, yet she still loves you more than she loves me. You know how it hurts when you considered someone as your best friend, yet they don't see you as that? That the person you see as your best of friend, only sees you as a cousin. Iyon lang." As I stared at her, the tears that I've been holding, fell.
I want to tell her that it wasn't true but I couldn't. I know Athena doesn't just love and see her as a cousin, but that's not the point. Even so, Athena's... dead. My heart's hurting so bad. My chest's too heavy and my tears won't stop from falling.
Gusto kong ipaglaban ang sarili ko mula sa mga paratang ni Mathilde sa akin. But somehow, I understand Mathilde's loathe towards me. Mali ako. Mali ako kasi hindi ko tinanong kay Zeiger kung ano ang mangyari sa kanila ni Athena. Mali ako kasi kahit anong sabi ko na pinakasalan ko lang si Zeiger dahil gusto kong makatulong sa kaniya, alam ko sa sarili ko na pinakasalan ko siya hindi lang dahil doon kundi dahil mahal ko pa din siya. Mali ako dahil minahal ko ang lalaki'ng sobrang minahal ng best friend ko. Maling-mali ako at hindi ko itatanggi iyon. She's right. I've been really selfish.
"A-Athena.... Athena died at your wedding day.... A-after your wedding ceremony." Yumuko siya para punasan ang mga luhang patuloy na tumutulo sa kaniyang mga mata. "S-She died because of heart cancer," she added.
Sinapo ko ang dibdib ko dahil sa sobrang sakit nito. Napayuko kasabay ng paghagulgol ko. B-Bakit.... Bakit hindi ko alam? Bakit ngayon ko lang nalaman?
Napatakip ako sa bibig ko habang patuloy na tumulo ang aking mga luha. You know what hurts more than a heartbreak? It's that knowing that your best friend died and you weren't there by her side. You weren't there by her side when she's suffering with pain and her sickness.
Losing your best friend is not just losing a friend, but a sister, a family as well.
Kung hindi lang ako nagpadala sa inggit at selos ko noon, sana nanatili ako sa tabi niya at hindi na pumunta sa States para samahan at damayan siya. Kasi kahit na sobrang masasaktan ako, kung alam ko lang na may sakit siya.... mananatili pa din ako. Kasi mas mahalaga siya kaysa kay Zeiger.
"She was there when you get married, Elaine. She was there in your wedding." Agad akong napatingin sa kaniya sa gulat sa sinabi niya.
A faint smile curved on her lips as she looked at me, eyes still blazing with tears. "A-And... She's happy. And I couldn't believe that the happiness I've seen in her eyes was genuine. Kasi kung ako iyon... Hindi ako magiging masaya kung alam ko ang taong mahal ko ay ikinasal sa iba. S-Sabi niya... I don't have to worry about Zeiger anymore because I know Elaine will love him more than I do. And I don't have to worry about Elaine too because I know she still loves him. I love them both... And all I could wish for was their happiness."
Mahina akong natawa at napayuko habang pinapunasan ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. Pero ayaw talaga nilang tumigil sa pagtulo.
"I'm saying this to you.... Kasi I just realized that no matter how much I hated you, you have to know the truth... Because you're one of the people who made Athena the happiest when she's still alive. And I can't argue with that."
Ikinuyom ko ang kamay na nasa aking hita habang nanlalabo pa din ang aking paningin dahil sa mga luhang patuloy na bumabagsak.
"I-I'm sorry..." That's all I could say.
"That's all I have to say." Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo niya.
"Ako na ang magbabayad sa in-order mo. I have to go." Hindi ako umimik at nanatiling nakayuko sa aking mga kamay.
Nang umalis si Mathilde sa cafe as saka ko inayos ang sarili ko. Pinunasan ko ang luha sa aking pisngi bago tumayo at kinuha ang aking mga gamit. Hindi ko na masagot ang pagpasalamat ng waitress sa akin at dire-diretsang lumabas ng cafe.
Para akong lumulutang habang naglalakad patungo sa aking kotse. Ang utak ko ay blanko at para akong namanhid. I weakly opened my car door and closed it. Hindi ko agad pinaandar ang sasakyan ko at nanatiling tulala sa kawalan.
Things slowly sunk into me. From the things I've heard in Zeiger's office and what Mathilde have said to me, all I can do is to let myself be drown by my tears. I leaned my back on my seat and closed my eyes tight as tears kept on falling and falling again. Akala ko wala na akong maiiyak dahil sobra-sobra na ang luhang nailabas ko sa araw na ito.
I'm sorry, Athena... I'm so sorry. I love you, please f-forgive me... I'm so sorry.
I just let myself cry my heart out and it seems like I don't know what to do. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko at kung saan ako magsisimula. Basta ang alam ko lang ngayon ay pagod na pagod ako.
Binuka ko ang aking mga mata at tinignan ang repleksyon sa bintana ng kotse. As I stared at my own reflection, I just realized that I don't know who's that girl that I've been staring at. Hindi ko na makilala ang sarili ko.
I bit my lip and closed my eyes again then whispered a thousand of I'm sorry to her, hoping that it will changed everything, that it will washed away the regret and everything that I am feeling right now.
The last time I've talked to her, was before my flight to U.S.A. because after that, I shut down my communication with everyone I know here in the Philippines including Athena.
Akala ko makikita ko pa siya. Akala ko makakausap ko pa siya. Akala ko maramdaman ko pa ang presensya niya. If only I knew that the day I left was the last day that I could talk to her, I should've stayed even jealousy, envy is killing me. Athena is more important than the love I have for Zeiger.
"I'm sorry, Athena. I h-have to leave... I need to..." I bowed my head as my eyes starts to water.
She chuckled. Napatingin ako sa kaniya at nakita ang mata niyang namumula but there's a genuine smile plastered on her lips.
"It's okay, Laine. No need to explain and say sorry. Hindi naman maling uunahin mo ang sarili mo, ang pangarap mo, e. You don't owe anyone an explanation for choosing yourself because it is what you ought to do."
My tears fell as I stared at her. I admit that I was envious of her. She's always been the number one, she's always been the chosen one while I am just one of the choices. Second choice. But what I hated the most is that despite the envy I felt towards her, she never made me feel like I was only a second choice even if I'm really am.
I felt bad because my dreams wasn't only the reason why I'm leaving. And I don't want to tell her so.
She hugged. "Fly for your dreams, Laine. Even if you'll leave, I will always be here for you... No matter what." Athena smiled at me as she let go.
"Aalis na ako. I'll see you soon, hmm? That moment I'll come back, I'll be calling you Doctora and see you wearing a lab gown." I smiled as I wiped my tears away.
I smiled genuinely as I imagined her with a doctor's suit with a stethoscope hanging around her neck.
"Of course! And that time I'll expect you to have your own restaurant or shops, right?"
"Kung papalarin." We both laughed.
"Go, Elaine. Baka maiwan ka." She pushed me lightly.
My lips trembled as I looked at her. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit at siniksik ang mukha sa kaniyang leeg.
"I'm going to miss you so much." I cried.
She slowly wrapped her arms around me as I felt something wet on my shoulder. "I'll miss you too."
I let go of her as I grasped at my luggage tightly. I waved at Athena and she stared at me with tears flowing down her face and a small smile before I turned my back and started to treads towards the airport.
After that, I only heard that she went to States to study Med when I came back. But little did I know that... she's already gone.
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