Wednesday, November 11th- 8:25 p.m.
| Touch Move |
The rule that says if you touch a piece, you have to move it.
× Anastasia ×
"You know, there isn't a single drop of alcohol in this cabin anywhere," I finally spoke through our silence.
I turned my head towards him, opening my eyes to see the angel behind his as I stared back.
"My grandparents always hated my mother for marrying an alcoholic, so this was supposed to be a safe place away from it all," he explained to me.
"Kinda sucks when I couldn't find anything and just wanted to drown out the world around me," I shrugged as I turned back to look up to the sky.
"Yeah," he agreed, looking away too. "You learn to bring your own with when you know it's going to be a rough night."
The silence fell back between us as the memories from this place flew past like a movie- but this time I knew the ending already.
This time I knew those words on this same dock had been foreshadowing- I knew I needed to hate him this time around. I knew the way he pushed me away was a warning sign, not a reason to fall deeper.
I knew the way he kissed me had been a craving building up for years for us both, and it was finally being released.
I knew the way he stopped himself that night had been a guilt trip within his mind, not a worry for me.
I knew the way he danced with me in the kitchen just feet away from where we lay had been part of his plan all along.
I knew the way he held me on that couch, explaining my every quirk he picked up on, had been a way to tie me in further.
I knew the way he'd dried my clothes had been a way to pull me in deep and make sure I didn't want to leave.
I knew the way he'd wrote me a whole note explaining my own cassette had been built off a lie.
I knew the way he'd continued to ask me if I was sure wasn't to make me feel better, but rather to make himself feel better as the bet danced through the back of his head.
I knew the way we connected that night hadn't been real, because the trust I had been handing over was set to break just a day later.
I knew the way he took care of me after had been his way of stopping his guilt, not because he genuinely cared.
I knew the way he messed with me in the kitchen had been a cruel joke in reality.
I knew the way he'd taught me his favorite pasta recipe would become an excuse in my head later on to keep taking those little white pills.
I knew the way he'd held me had been a lie.
I knew the way he'd kissed me had been a lie.
I knew the way he'd treated me had been a lie.
I knew the way he'd spoken to me had been a lie.
I knew the way he'd cared for me after sex had been a lie.
I knew the way he'd called me Angel had been because he was the devil that would eventually kill the Angel.
I knew the way he'd burnt me in the end.
I knew the way he'd loved me would kill me.
I knew that our whole movie had been a lie, and each scene only hurt more because of it.
I pulled myself from my own thoughts, refocusing on
the rain coming down against my skin. It felt like peace for a few moments, finally being free from all expectations just for a second.
Those expectations had been what almost killed me, and letting go of them for a moment was what was keeping me alive right now.
"What would have happened had you not found me
that night?"
I heard Ashton shuffle beside me, turning to look towards me as I stayed still. I refused to give up my
break from reality, but I still wanted to know the only questions I had left for him.
"The number of pills you took would have killed you," he whispered, turning to look back up to the sky again. "Had you not thrown them up and they fully entered your system, you wouldn't be sitting beside me right now."
"Did you ever consider for a moment that maybe I did want to die?" I continued asking my questions, knowing the longer I was speaking, the more he was learning.
"Yeah," he sighed back. "When you locked your jaw and refused to throw them up until I threatened to take you to the hospital."
"I still don't know if I wanted to die or not," I admitted to him. "I know I didn't want to live like this, but I didn't think I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop."
"Yeah," he nodded along, remembering everything I had said that day.
"But looking back," I started. "I-... actually, I don't know. Forget it."
"I'm still yours," he reminded me just like he had a week earlier. "I'll still listen to your every word."
"Why would I have refused help if I wanted it?" I finally admitted out loud, both to him and myself.
"I know," he sighed, obviously understand what I was getting at. "That's why I constantly have to know you're okay. That's why I refuse to leave you on your own. That's why I drove all across town to find you. 'Cause I know you won't accept the help you deserve."
"Because I'm not help-able," I stated simply, remembering the night previously I'd said those exact words.
"I would say the only way to help yourself is to not close off everyone around you," he started, pausing to take a deep breath. "But I know the only way for you to truly help yourself now is to close me out."
"I wish I would have closed you off earlier," I confided in him. "I knew I wasn't help-able, and I sure as hell knew you weren't going to be able to fix me."
"That's not going to stop me from keeping you alive at all costs," he explained from beside me. "We accept the love we think we deserve, and you deserve so much more than what I broke you with. You deserve to feel help-able. You deserve to fall in love with life again, even if I have nothing to do with it this time."
"The only reason I started to fall in love with life again was because of the world I was building with you," I told him, breathing in deep as the rain fell down against my skin.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated the same words he'd told me so many times in the past week. "You deserve so much better than what I ever gave you."
I didn't reply, rather took a deep breath. In a way, I could agree. I did deserve better than him, but he deserved better than me too.
He started again, slower this time like he hated admitting it to himself and me both, "and I know you might never trust me again-"
I stopped him as I looked over to him for the first time in a while, "Ash."
He looked over to me too, his eyes reading only pain.
"I hate how much I still trust you," I admitted to him. "Even after everything you've done to hurt me, I still trust you with some part of me."
"I'll never deserve you," he whispered back, shaking his head lightly in disbelief.
"And I'll never deserve what you did to me," I said back, turning to look back up to the sky again. "But that will never change that I can't live without you."
I listened as he moved beside me, sitting up near my head as I continued to lay. "It'll take time," I admitted into the sky. "And we may never be who we used to be... but I know we'll be alright."
I slowly sat up with him, keeping my back to him as I looked off the end of the dock. "I'll trust you again one day," I admitted, both to him and myself. "It took me a while the first time, but everything deserves a second chance, right?"
"I promise I will protect you from me if you ever do give me that chance," he spoke behind me.
"I know," I whispered back, slowly turning to look over my shoulder. "That's why there is still some part of me that loves you."
I slowly looked back out to the water, standing from my seat. I stepped out to the end of the dock, looking down at my silhouette reflecting up off the water as his appeared beside me.
"I'll jump if you do."
He laughed at me, not realizing I was serious this time around. "I'm not going to let you just into a lake in the dark, alone."
I reached for the straps of my dress, starting to pull them down off my shoulders. "Then you better take your shirt off before I pull you in with me."
At first, he looked at me in disbelief, just like I had when he told me the same thing months earlier. I shimmied my dress down off my hips, stepping out of it before pulling the sweater over my head, leaving me in just a bra and panties.
He stood still, dressed in all of his suit but the jacket he'd shed before he'd got here. I reached for the clip in my hair, pulling it out as I sent him one last warning glance.
"You're dead serious?"
"Yeah, so strip before I pull you in with me," I told him, running my pile of wet clothes to just inside the door of the cabin before running back out to the end.
Ashton had started undoing the buttons on his shirt when I reached him again, and I couldn't help but smile. He was going quite slow, and I was slowly growing impatient. I reached for his belt buckle, trying to speed up this process. I didn't even think of the sexual connotation that went along with it, but Ashton knew the trust I was still rebuilding so he took it as nothing other than my impatience.
With his pants no longer as tight, he pulled the bottom of the shirt out and untucked it, shaking it down off his shoulders. He turned his back to me as he headed to set his clothes inside the door too, and my eyes danced across the way his muscles flexed as he moved.
He turned and caught me, making me look away and bite my lip in embarrassment. I turned towards the water again, jumping off the end of the dock before he returned.
I pushed myself back up to the surface, pushing my hair back out of my face before spinning back to face the dock. Ashton still wasn't there yet, so I floated my body up to the surface. I could feel the rain even hitting against me in the water, just like it had on the dock.
"You were supposed to wait for me," his voice finally called from the dock as I continued to hold my eyes shut.
"You take too long," I called back, lying still as the water held me up.
I laid there silently until I heard the water break beside me. I moved back to treading water as I saw the ripples form from where he'd jumped. I looked around the water for where he'd gone, but couldn't find him.
I screamed as I felt something grip around my legs and slowly lifted me from the water. My hands fell to his shoulders, pushing up against them to support myself. When he lifted me almost completely out of the water, I watched as he broke to the surface too. He shook the water out of his hair, trying to get it out of his eyes as his chin rested on my stomach, looking up at me.
"You scared me," I told him as I brought my hand to his curls, pushing them back out of his eyes. "Sometimes I forget you're 6ft and can touch in places I can't."
He laughed as he slowly loosened his grip, allowing my body to slide back down to being level with him. I wrapped my legs around him for support, feeling the way his hands laid carefully against my skin.
I couldn't help but smile as I held myself close to him. I'd missed him, and this, for way too long. I still feared his intimate physical touch, not knowing if it would set me off again or not.
For now, I continued reminding myself that it was him, and he wanted to keep me safe. I'm not sure how long that would work to keep me sane, but for now, it was enough.
His glance danced across my face as I watched him closely, making me laugh at how he couldn't stay focused on one thing for too long.
"What?" I finally asked as he looked back up to me.
"Nothing," he tried to cover it up. "I just missed everything about you."
It made me chuckle under my breath as I leaned my forehead down against his. "I missed you too."
Even if there were parts of him that I still feared a little, I missed the parts that brought me peace. It was parts like this- the side of him that laid in the rain with me and swam under the stars- that brought me peace with him. These moments are what keep me alive.
My glance couldn't help but fall to his lips. I wanted to kiss him so badly again. I wanted to forgive him, even if I shouldn't.
But I did want to forgive him, and I did want to kiss him again, so I leaned into him, slowly bringing my lips to his.
But in true Ash fashion, he stopped before he let himself connect his lips to mine. "You sure?"
"Yes."
With my reassurance, he closed the distance between us. Every time our lips connected, that spark for him that had burnt me previously was being reignited. This time it wasn't burning like wildfire everywhere- he acted as phos-chek, keeping it contained so I didn't get burnt again.
He was burning himself alive to keep me safe from him.